College is a Scam

In 1517, a monk named Martin Luther announced that the Catholic Church is a scam. Said church was scamming people by telling them that their sins can be atoned if they pay the church enough money.  Year 2017, the scam continues, except now it’s the University (which has its origins in the Church) scamming people by telling them they’ll never live The Dream if they don’t have a college degree.  That they can’t do this and that if they don’t have a degree in this and that.

Scams work because people are scared.  Look to the past to know how scared people are and who the scammers are today. People don’t change.

How the Catholic Church Scammed People

They told everyone that they need the Church to achieve salvation and to live a good life.  That one can’t earn God’s grace on one’s own. The scam worked because it offered an easy way out for those who wanted salvation without taking full responsibility for their fuck ups.  When paying the Church didn’t lead to a good life, people reasoned that it was because they didn’t pay the Church enough money.

How Universities Scam People

Same shit happening today, except it’s the University instead of the Church scamming people.  Here are some parallels:

Church says: You will be punished for your sins if you don’t pay us to atone them.  

University says: You will never live a comfortable middle class life if you don’t have a college degree

Church says: Bad shit happened to you even after you confessed your sins because you didn’t pay us enough

University says: You’re still flipping burgers after your college degree because you need a Masters degree to work in your field of study.  

Church says: One cannot know God except through the Church

University says: One cannot receive an education and become learned except at college

Church says: Only we can interpret the Bible for you.  

University says: Only we can teach you how to do that job and to read that book.  

Church says: You’ll never live a good life or find salvation if you join the Protestant Church (Protestant nations are wealthier than Catholic ones)

University says: You’ll never live a good life if you work redneck jobs like underwater welding (which pays $150,000/year)

Church says: Money you give us will help the poor

University says: Money you give us will educate the poor

Church says: You’re a heretic if you don’t believe us.

University says: You’re stupid if you don’t have a college degree.

The University takes responsibility for educating oneself away from the individual and offers an easy but expensive way for someone to appear intelligent, educated, and cultured without actually being any of those things.  They’ve convinced many people that a college degree *certifies* its recipient as intelligent, educated, and decent, ready for big big things.

Free Community College Movement

It’s on the platform of both Seattle mayoral candidates. Meaning, it’s probably going to happen and eventually they’ll stick the bill to businesses because they think they’re doing businesses a favor by “training” people to be employable.  Yet most schools and courses of study train students to become UNEMPLOYABLE and they have to be retrained by the businesses that hire them.

The only traits you need to do any job is grit and curiosity, and most colleges and courses of study don’t teach that precisely because they take the responsibility for educating and improving oneself away from the individual. College doesn’t educate anyone — it’s a social networking event — only you can educate yourself.


Bondage comes in many forms, it doesn’t have to be slavery.

Seattle passed a soda tax, which is a humiliating tax on the poor.  They now want to that tax to fund free community college to the poor.  That’s fucked up: tax the poor and then put them through programs that will ensure they become unemployable and remain poor while dressing it up as White benevolence.  This is the same shit the Church pulled on people 500 years ago: take money from the poor to “help” the poor while fucking them up in fundamental ways.

We can do as Martin Luther did, which is to call bullshit on these stupid college programs that produce a lot of fuck ups and instead develop apprenticeship programs.  Luther translated the Bible into the vernacular so that non-clergy could read and interpret it for themselves, making salvation a personal matter rather than mediated by a bunch of crooks.  We can do the same for people with apprenticeship programs that give people the confidence to educate themselves instead of being told what and how to think. Let’s do it.





College Makes People Fat and Stupid

You’ve already heard about the Freshman 15, when no amount of college dorm sex burns enough calories gained from 4-7 days of binge drinking per week.  So let’s move on to how college makes people stupid.  Question:

Why do people want so badly a college degree?

a) They want to be smarter
b) They’re scared of not appearing at least middle-class
c) They want lots of sex and booze and drugs

There’s some truth to all of the above options but when you dig deep into people’s choices about anything, it’s nearly always fear, fear and fear that drives people’s actions.  The correct answer is B.  I’ll prove it.


This college Freshman won’t be this skinny by the time he flunks out.

College is an Insane Car Dealership

Your kid wants a car so it’ll be easier for him to get a job.  Makes sense.  You’re nice and stupid so you give him 250k and tell him to pick a dealer and buy one. Any dealer, any car.   So he goes to the dealer with the hottest receptionists and all you can drink soda and all the cars in the lot cost 250k.  All sorts of cars: a new Ferrari; 2014 Toyota truck with 30k on it; 1986 Yugo; dead 1970 Vanagon with a homeless person living in it.  Insane, right?  Well that’s what’s happening when someone sends their kid to college, except the Toyota truck is an Electrical Engineering degree while the Yugo is a Fine Arts degree and the broken down Vanagon is a Social Justice degree (that’s a real major at some schools!). And the only way to explain this insanity is that people will accept insanity when they’re scared to death.

“But college graduates earn more than those without college degrees.”  

They would’ve earned even more if they hadn’t gone to college.  Right, Bill Gates?  Yeah, Steve Jobs?  And that’s why Peter Thiel is paying $100000 to the best students to *drop-out* of schools like MIT.  College doesn’t make anyone smarter and more employable. Only you can make yourself smarter and more employable.  Khan Academy is on Youtube if you need a free tutor.

Value of College Education.

Question: What should Jamie major in if she wants to be a journalist?
a) Physics
b) Communications
c) Journalism

Answer is “A” because there’s high demand for journalists who can write about science.  If you got this question wrong then you’re not ready for college.  You’re going to pick the Yugo simply because it’s an automatic and you can’t drive stick (math), so no Toyota truck (most sensible option) or Ferrari for you.


College is a social and intellectual filtering system, and an ineffective one at that.  Most degrees from most schools can’t even ensure that its recipient can do basic arithmetic and isn’t a psychopath.  A college degree is as good a filter as Catholic schools are at ensuring your daughter remains a virgin till married and son doesn’t become gay.  But employers don’t give a shit that colleges suck at what they do because they’re not the ones paying for an overpriced filtering system. It’s the batshit crazy and the government who pay for things that don’t work.

And the best companies  — from Microsoft to Amazon to McDonald’s to Apple — know college is a broken filtering system so they avoid using it to select applicants.

Another question:

What did Peter Jennings major in college?
a) Journalism
b) Communications
c) He dropped out before deciding on a major because he thought that college is stupid.

Correct answer is C.

When Robert Maynard Hutchins was president of the University of Chicago, he said this about education:

“The object of the educational system, taken as a whole, is not to produce hands for industry or to teach the young how to make a living. It is to produce responsible citizens…and promote the intellectual development of the people.”

College isn’t supposed to make you employable.  It’s supposed to be more of a monastic experience, a “life of the mind” that the University of Chicago is known for.  From Wiki, on Hutchins’s observations on higher education:

Hutchins also explores some of the improper directions educational institutions have taken in the United States. He argues that education is becoming nothing more than a trade school, and a poor trade school at that. As an example, Hutchins discusses the relationship between a foundry and the local college in a particular town in California. This college offers courses on doing foundry work, which instruct students to become workers at the foundry. In this way, the college is satisfying the need of the community for foundry workers rather than the intellectual needs of the individual. Further, Hutchins asserts that the foundry students actually receive poor training since educators do not have the practical experience of working in the foundry. Hutchins believes the students would receive a much more efficient and thorough education on working in a foundry by actually working in that foundry.

It’s the occupation’s responsibility, not the school’s, to train employees because schools suck at training workers. Yet we have politicians who want to help businesses by offering free tuition to all students (so they can take classes that’ll make them dumber and unemployable).  This isn’t a new development, Hutchins was writing in the early 1950s, and colleges were already fucking students up in their own fucked up way.

Hutchins also warns that education has shifted its focus from being educational to custodial. He charges that many schools have become no more than baby-sitting services for adolescents, protecting them from the tumultuous world of youth.

Like today’s “safe spaces.” Again, he’s writing in the early 1950s so stop saying the whining started with Millennials.  Millennials didn’t learn their habits from technology, they learned it from their parents, who learned from their parents, and so forth.  Most colleges are just reinforcing what students learn from their parents.

Even an undergrad degree from Harvard doesn’t make one employable at a socially acceptable job. Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello graduated from Harvard with a BA in Social Studies, also known as Left-Wing Studies.  Since few wanted to hire someone with his mindset and attitude, he made a living with his giant penis.

“When I graduated from Harvard and moved to Hollywood, I was unemployable. I was literally starving, so I had to work menial labor and, at one point, I even worked as an exotic dancer. ‘Brick House’ (by The Commodores) was my jam! I did bachelorette parties and I’d go down to my boxer shorts. Would I go further? All I can say is thank God it was in the time before YouTube! You could make decent money doing that job – people do what they have to do.”[9]

Stripping is a great job actually, just not one expects from a Harvard grad.  So he became an alternative rock star, one of the few jobs (such as academia) for leftist Harvard grads.

Not saying there’s no value to attending Harvard and if a kid from working class Mountlake Terrace gets in, I’ll tell her to go, that it’ll be worth the debt, even if she picks the wrong major and ends up unemployable. This is her chance to experience one of the most competitive environments in the world, and that’s priceless.  This may be her only chance to be socialized into the sort of leader Harvard wants their students to become, to act as Mark Zuckerberg (Harvard drop-out) does in this scene:

Just don’t expect Harvard to socialize every student into a Mark Zuckerberg. A lot of students choose the wrong major and turn into narcissistic victims, like the Yale undergrads from scene below:

Even Yale, which requires its undergrads to live on campus till graduation so they can be socialized into well educated Yale graduates, has trouble socializing some of its students to stop acting like children.  (Well educated people aren’t easily offended).  Imagine what it’s like at a less competitive school, what are students there turning out to be?  Are they trained to be offended by everything?  Point is, the value of an elite school is in the experience, not in the results.  And there are many comparable experiences that don’t cost anywhere near 250k and don’t have anything to do with college, if you’re willing to let them have it.

Free College Movement
Yet some, led by Bernie Sanders (who ironically graduated from University of Chicago) and President Obama (who ironically was an adjunct at the University of Chicago), support free college education — even at the community college level — in an effort to help businesses and the poor.  This is another misguided effort. It won’t help businesses, it’ll burden them with taxes for education that produce fuck ups they’ll have to retrain.  It won’t help the poor, it’ll humiliate them and teach them that they alone are not capable of becoming well educated and well employed.  It won’t help anyone except for the envious and those who channel their contempt for those less fortunate as feudal benevolence.  The Last Psychiatrist, commenting on this madness:

All the system had to do, starting around 1965, is not incentivize this madness.  If there were not guaranteed student loans, up to any amount, available equally across majors and across colleges, independent of skills or promise or societal need, none of this would have happened.  Easy money got us into this mess, and easy money will keep us sailing until we go right off the edge of the map.

And into the abyss, where we’ll be serving Big Mac and fries to a new Master.


Despite his degree from University of Chicago, nobody wanted to hire him because he had no skills and was uncoachable.  So he became a politician.



Seven Years Old

Thanks to those who’ve supported us, you’ve had a positive role in not just the growth of the business, but also in a lot of people’s lives.  You’ve helped us bring in a demographic we’ve worked hard to attract — Thugs and Rednecks — that other juice bars ignore. You’ve worked with us to make the Alive Juice Bar experience more about conviviality than pomposity.  You’ve also helped us keep prices down so people of all economic backgrounds can afford the experience.

We’ve been in our new space for two years and are just about done with its build-out and interior design.  It’s designed to encourage conviviality and playfulness and to be an escape from ridiculous suburban middle-class manners that make people delusional. We’ll keep improving on it — adding details — and your feedback is encouraged.

At Alive Juice Bar, we demand you be rude.

We’ll continue to explore the links between culture, mental health, and diet.  Diet isn’t just a reflection of a person’s character, it’s an index of a culture’s health.  That’s why the obesity epidemic coincides with declining mental health in the US, which also began in the 1980s.

We started a quarterly cooking show and expect more episodes.  They’re meant to be silly and educational.  Let us know if there’s something you want us to show you how to make.

We also started a monthly Art Show that includes live music and art from local artists.  That should continue through the end of the year.  Stop by to enjoy their work.  The long hallway in the back has become an art gallery.

Miranda likes hanging out at Alive Juice Bar because here she can say “motherfucker” without getting kicked out.

Future Plans
We’ll likely turn the clothing store — which now features products from local designers and artisans — into an office, employee lounge, and juice bar storage because the juice bar needs more space.  Clothing store will either close or be moved to another location.  Contact us if you want to take over the clothing store and build its online presence.

We’re training an employee to take over the juice bar in three years. Current owner will move on to other projects.

One project we’re working on is Redneck Bistro, which will redefine what it means to be a Redneck and what is Redneck cuisine. Currently seeking a space for it — 1000 to 1500 sf — let us know if you know of such a space. Warehouse, instead of commercial retail, is preferred.

Alright motherfuckers, let’s do it, let’s do it!  Agape.

Check out our dance studio. Ask about classes or about renting it out for rehearsals or to teach your class.

We now sell turmeric, $10/lb.


Why People Prefer Bad Service

For the same reason the drunk sailor mistakes the tranny for a woman. For the same reason people like bad writing:  some mistake pompous service for good service just as they mistake pompous writing (aka purple prose) for good writing.  Here’s an example of bad service that people think as good service, from social critic Mark Randall (from Not That You Asked):

“Good evening, sir…And how are you this evening?…May I get you something from the bar? …I’d be happy to, sir….And would you care for anything else right now?…I’ll be back with your drink in just a moment.”

Randall describes such service as:

…superfluous little phrases…but as they pile up they begin to irritate with their pretentiousness.  One realizes that they do not add to the service or quicken it.  They do not even make it more pleasant since one is forced (out of politeness) to parry each one of these pointless and limpid thrusts.

Another social critic, Paul Fussell calls that shit “pretentious greasy-swarmy rhetoric of the servitors.” It’s like bad porn, watching a guy eat pussy as if he’s eating a hot dog.  There’s the ridiculous use of “Sir” to suggest to the customer that at that moment, he is a feudal lord and his serfs are at his command, ready to do anything — anything — he wants them to do.  Then there are the stupid questions or questions phrased stupidly.  And finally, the unnecessary comments.  That’s why Randall is pissed:

One wants to say, ‘well of course you’ll be back with my drink in a moment!  SHUT UP ABOUT IT!’

Randall, on the purpose of pretentious service:

One sees…that this style is designed, not to promote service, but to call attention to what we are supposed to regard as the edifyingly refined manner of the server.  It is the establishment’s self-congratulatory way of reminding you that you are in a fancy place….What we have here is neither good manners nor good service; it is politeness grandstanding, a kind of obsequious bullying.  

This “bullying” is similar to what people do when they want others to think that they have a lot of money. They pull the same shit, except instead of meaningless words they use meaningless bling, clothes, and cars to communicate what they may or may not have.  Some have money, many are frauds. Many of those who practice “politeness grandstanding” are similar frauds, using unnecessary or stupid words and phrases to create the impression of sophistication and class when in fact they’re simply putting on airs.

What is Good Service? 

Good service is similar to good writing. Less is more, elegance in simplicity, and stay focused on the job. Good writing is effective communication — clear, concise, and precise — never self-indulgent by showing off vocabulary or writing dramatic prose (aka purple prose) because it’s always focused on the topic.  Good service is about giving what customer wants with precision and alacrity without violating your integrity (don’t act like serf ready to suck dick unless that’s what you want or are paid to do). Good service doesn’t rely on flattery, and it’s not garrulous, intrusive, or unnecessarily formal.  It’s observant, helpful, and insightful. Good service is convivial and conviviality is a Redneck virtue. Randall on Redneck conviviality:

…an American friendly style, one that is outgoing and engaging.  It is, I believe, an authentic national characteristic.  The new “luxury” style though is a hybrid bastard, one that tries to combine American friendliness with European formality.

When you combine Redneck conviviality with middle-class putting on airs, you get embarrassing results.  The self-indulgent garrulous and formal exchanges waste time, increasing costs.  Randall again:

What one gets is a style that’s too friendly to be formal, and too formal to be friendly. It consists entirely of a dozen or so phrases, premeditated, flatulent, pseudo high-class, none of which improve upon “good morning…”thank you,” and “you’re welcome.”

American middle-class politeness may not be rude, but it may be bad manners and certainly is bad taste. Curmudgeon Paul Fussell on why middle-class Americans talk like this:

The middles cleave to euphemisms not just because they’re an aid in avoiding facts. They like them also because they assist their social yearnings towards pomposity. This is possible because most euphemisms permit the speaker to multiply syllables, and the middle class confuses sheer numerousness with weight and value.

And good manners.

Examples of Bad Writing

There are several Bad Writing contests, one which invites writers to submit their own worst first sentence for a novel.  Here’s one that won in 2008:

Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city, their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist breath through manhole covers stamped “Forged by DeLaney Bros.

Overwrought and pretentious.  An example of author preening and of self-indulgent writing.  Yet some are impressed with this passage simply because of its use of metaphors, however inane and vacant they may be.

There’s a lot of bad writing in academia too, especially in disciplines that have inferiority complex. UC Berkeley Comp Lit professor Judith Butler won an award for bad academic writing in 1998.  The winning sentence (don’t try to read all of it, it’ll ruin your day):

The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the rearticulation of power.

Translation: “Stop looking down on me, Math/Physics/Engineering profs who unfairly make twice as much as I do.  Comparative Lit. major is just as difficult and important and my writing is tougher to understand than multivariable calculus, so fuck you.”  Yet many think the author is intelligent and erudite simply because the passage is impenetrable.

Bad service uses similar gimmicks, intimidation tactics really.  When the person serving you sounds like a muppet or talks like a pompous academic, don’t show approval.  Approval is why there’s so much bad service.  And encouraging people to be frauds is bad for them and society. That’s how batshit crazy starts and there’s a lot of batshit crazy in middle-class America, the most medicated demographic in the world.

Randall on why Americans enjoy bad service:

The American corporation, no doubt with the aid of market research, has taken something that ought to have been…pleasurable and simple and made it self-serving, burdensome, and complicated.  No wonder we’re not very polite even when even the experts can’t get it right, when politeness becomes this insipid and interminable fugue of gratuitous endearments and self-flattering concern.

Put simply, bad service is narcissism disguised as good service.

Which do you prefer, rude service or bad service?  They’re not the same.

Examples Good Service and Good Customers

(At random sit-down restaurant, first time customer arrives)

Server: Good evening.  Something to drink?
Customer: Jack Daniels straight.
Server: One Jack Daniels straight.
Customer: Yes.
Server: Anything else?
Customer: Maybe, I’ll look over the menu.

Note: This is how normal people communicate.  The conciseness means fewer communication errors.

(At Alive Juice Bar, regular customer enters)

Server: Hey Susan!
Customer: Hey! Summer Berries.
Server: One Summer Berries.
Customer: Yep!
Server:  Summer Berries, ready! Haven’t seen you in awhile, how have you been?
Customer: yada yada yada yada and how have you been?

Note: Good service begins with acknowledgment, followed by giving what customer wants.  Personal talk is last because that’s not primary reason customer is at store.  Unless customer is trying to hook up with server.

Examples of Bad Service and Bad Customers

(At random sit-down restaurant)

Server: Hello and good evening, sir. My name is Rodney and I’ll be your server this evening.  How are you this evening, sir?
Customer: I’m doing rather well, thank you.  And how are you this lovely evening?
Server: I’m doing great, thanks for asking.   Can I start you with something to drink?
Customer: Yes, I’d like a Jack Daniels, straight, please and if you don’t mind.
Server: Oh no, I don’t mind at all.  I’ll be right back with that for you.
Customer: Thank you very much.
Server: Oh you’re welcome

Note: Polite small talk is poor sign that someone is a decent person.  According to one study, serial killers excel at polite small talk.  That’s why they’re able to get away with killing so many people.

(Alive Juice Bar)

Server: Hi, how are you?
Customer: I’m great, thank you!  How are you?
Server: I’m doing well.  Wow, you look great in that skirt.  Where did you get it, if you don’t mind me asking?
Customer: Awww, thanks!  I got it at Biji’s.
Server: Thanks!  What can I get for you this evening?
Customer: Can I please have a Summer Berries when you get a chance?
Server: Excellent choice maam, I’ll get that started for you.

Note: Flattery is douchebag and obsequious way to get a bigger tip, like a guy trying to fuck a woman.  Save it for after the transaction is completed so it doesn’t come off as flattery. That is, manipulation. Server should instead focus on doing a good job.   

Examples of What Happens When You Refuse to Play Along

(At random sit-down restaurant)

Server (voice an octave higher than usual, bubbly and sweet) : Hello sir, welcome to Claim Jumper.  My name is Ruby and I’ll be your server this evening.  How are you this evening?
Customer: Jack Daniels, straight.
Server: (confused pause). Excellent choice, sir, I’ll get that out for you, just give me a sec.
Server: Here you go, your Jack Daniels.  Have you had a chance to read over the menu?
Customer: Fish and chips.
Server: Fish and chips, excellent choice, sir.  Would you like anything else with that?
Customer: I’d like a side-order of suck my dick.
Server: Excuse me?
Customer: I said I’d like a side-order of suck my dick.  Because you sound like you want to suck my dick while I eat my fish and chips.
Server: (pauses and looks shocked) uh, pardon me, I’ll be back.
Manager: Hello and good evening sir.  How are you this evening?
Customer: Hungry and horny.
Manager: Now, if I may ask, what did you order?
Customer: Fish and chips and a side order of suck my dick.
Manager: (pauses and looks shocked) Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave and never come back, if you don’t mind.

Note the number of vacant phrases — eg. “if you don’t mind,” “if I may ask” used by customer service.  And why does the customer need to know the server’s name if he’s not planning on meeting her again?  If he does want to meet her again, he’ll ask for her name.  

(At Alive Juice Bar)

Server: Hey!
Customer (on her way to past juice bar to dance studio): Hi, how are you?
Server: Do you care?
Customer (stops): Yes, as a matter of fact, I do!
Server: Then why were you walking away from me instead of sitting down to talk to me?
Customer (pauses): Ooook.  I’ll be right back to talk to you.  I just have to drop this off in the dance studio.
Server: Ok.


Chinaman in the middle is Edsel Fong.  Known as the rudest waiter in America.  But at least he didn’t give bad service.




Frequently Asked Questions XIV

Are you selling the juice bar and dance studio?
Yes, to an employee. She’ll take over in 3 years and she’ll do a better job of running it.

What are you going to do instead? 
Open and run Redneck Bistro.

Where’s that going to be?
Same neighborhood (SnoKing).  Having trouble finding a landlord in this neighborhood who is ok with name.

Why don’t you open it in Ballard or Capitol Hill instead?  They’d be ok with the name.
I’m emotionally invested in SnoKing neighborhood.  We’ll figure it out.   

Why is the blog so focused on narcissism?
Influence from The Last Psychiatrist (who probably isn’t a psychiatrist), who says that narcissism is the fundamental human condition. Originally, the blog was about Original Sin, and that sin could be anything depending on the individual.  Now I think narcissism *is* our Original Sin and that other sins (eg. envy, sloth, greed) are its expressions.

Are millennials more narcissistic than other generations?
No.  Even though some (poorly designed) studies suggest they are.

You really don’t think millennials are more narcissistic?
They’re about as narcissistic as their parents. Cultures evolve slowly and don’t change much.

Are there cultures that aren’t narcissistic?
No, it’s our Original Sin.  But the Amish come the closest.


They’re less narcissistic than you because you wear buttons. And also because you receive more compliments in one day than they do in a lifetime.

How do we become less narcissistic?
According to The Last Psychiatrist, the moment you stop thinking of yourself as a narcissist — the moment you deny your Original Sin — is when you become one. You’ll stop noticing your narcissistic habits, such as virtue signalling and fishing for compliments. Never let your guard down.

What’s an example of a subtle narcissistic act?
When someone says: “It is with unbearable grief and deep sadness that I announce the unexpected death of our dear friend…”  that person is bringing inappropriate attention to himself.  Attention should be on the person who died.

Are American schools really that bad?
No.  The quality is uneven, the top 100 American schools can compete against the best in the world, while 80 percent of high schools and colleges (Pareto Principle) shouldn’t exist because they produce no or negative value.

What do you mean by negative value?
They make students dumber.

How do they make students dumber?
Good schools teach grit.  Shit schools are obsessed with the emotional health of students.  Which ironically makes students emotionally frail and stupid.

Do you think schools in China are much tougher than those in the US?
The top schools in the US are *at least* as tough as the top schools in China.   The average school in China, however, is much tougher than the average school in US.

How do you know?
People point to China’s college entrance exam — gaokao, a 3 day exam — as example of how far ahead of us they are.  But they’re comparing it to the SAT, a 3 hour exam that tests basic skills.  That’s not a fair comparison.  American students who get into schools like Harvard and CalTech typically ace 8-12 AP exams and then ace a slew of SAT Achievement tests in addition to acing the SAT.  Top American students take MORE, not fewer exams than their Chinese counterparts.  And American tests are more difficult.

So you don’t think we should emulate Asian schools?
No need to emulate them, our schools need to emulate top American schools.


Chinese students have it easy, they only have to take 3 days worth of entrance exams.  American students aiming for top college take 2 weeks worth of standardized tests spread over 3 years.

Why doesn’t average school emulate top American schools?
Middle-class America is the too fucktarded and delusional and soft to emulate the best Americans.  American middle-class was made by Redneck work ethic and values.  Then they decided to abandon and demonize those values as a way to get ahead.  Now the middle-class finds itself slipping and is scared about its future, even while high-paying Redneck jobs go unfilled because middle-class no longer want them.


This redneck is smiling because he makes $200,000 a year doing shit that the minimum wage college grad who majored in Social Justice won’t do.

Will American middle class disappear?
No.  They’ll self-correct.  While American parenting is soft, American society is tough on its people and its businesses operate as do stereotypical East Asian families.  American society will crush you if you don’t work hard and long.  People eventually figure it out.


Caption: How the best American companies are run: Steve Jobs makes Tiger Mom look like a kitten.



Notes on How to Write a Resume

We have our own free resume writing workshop for our employees (and customers).  Let us know if you want to attend.  Notes from workshop below.

Four Rules:

    1. Don’t be a fraud.  Never write what you think someone wants to hear.  Besides, you’re not good at figuring out what other people really want to hear. So be honest about your intentions.  Be authentic. But it’s hard to be authentic when we’re trained and encouraged to be frauds and fucktards.  To cut the bullshit, allow yourself to list only one goal (aka “Objective”), the most important one to you, on the resume. So turn this:

      Objective: Hardworker seeking a position that will allow me to utilize my knowledge and great communication skills to help customers make better lifestyle choices so they live more productive lives.  

      Which sounds fucktarded, to this:

      Goal: To make enough money so I can move away from my parents.

      Not saying wanting to “help customers make better lifestyle choices so they live more productive lives” is a lie.  It’s not, *everyone* wants to do that. But it’s bullshit because in most cases, that’s not the primary motivator. Everyone wants to help other people as long as it’s convenient to do so.  Few will help people when it’s painful to do so.

      Writing this way will also help you stay focused and block out the noise of people telling you who you should be to fit in.

    2. Don’t assess yourself (eg. I’m hardworking, I’m smart).  List your achievements instead.  It’s up to the reader to decide if you’re hardworking or smart. When you assess yourself, you’re showing your standards.  If you think you’re smart because you graduated from Sonoma State University, there’s someone who graduated from Princeton who thinks you have low standards.  So avoid using phrases such as:
      * Hardworking and cheerful
      * Dedicated and smart
      * Great communication skills
      Another way to put it: be humble.  Show, don’t tell. Let your actions do the talking.
    3. Less is more, elegance in simplicity.  This principle applies to everything, from fashion to cooking to architecture to writing.  Use as few words as possible and opt for word with fewest syllables.  Examples:
      “Goal” instead of “Objective”
      “Use” instead of “Utilize”
    4. Avoid euphemisms.  Euphemisms are a waste of time and energy, be direct and honest.  English professor Paul Fussell, on fraudulent, pompous language:

The middles cleave to euphemisms not just because they’re an aid in avoiding facts.  They like them also because they assist their social yearnings towards pomposity.  This is possible because most euphemisms permit the speaker to multiply syllables, and the middle class confuses sheer numerousness with weight and value.

So “Secretary” instead of “Project Coordinator.”  “Dishwasher” instead of “Team Member,” “Stripper” instead of “Dancer.” “Shopkeeper” instead of “CEO.” Don’t be a fraud, frauds are unattractive except to other frauds, and they’re all batshit crazy.

Example resume and cover letter:

Boy Wants Job to Get Laid


Frequently Asked Questions XIII

Food and Service
We love your ordering system, especially not having to wait in line. So why don’t some people like it?  
Some people are so used to bad service that they freak out when they get good service.

When are you going to serve cricket cookies?
Cricket brownies instead, on sale now for limited time.

Why limited time? 
Too expensive.

Then why serve it at all?
To encourage customers to explore what’s possible to eat.

“BE RUDE, it’s more efficient” campaign.
What’s the point of the new campaign? 
It’s a critique of ridiculous American middle-class manners that are fucking things up.

What’s wrong with American middle-class people? 
This isn’t about middle-class people.  There are middle-class people who don’t practice middle-class culture. It’s middle-class culture that’s practiced by anyone, regardless of socio-economic class, that’s fucked up.

What’s fucked up about American middle-class culture?
This culture produces people who are fake, pompous, delusional, inefficient, hypersensitive, passive-aggressive, and batshit crazy.  Professor of English Paul Fussell puts it best:

The middles cleave to euphemisms not just because they’re an aid in avoiding facts.  They like them also because they assist their social yearnings toward pomposity.  This is possible because most euphemisms permit the speaker to multiply syllables and the middle class confuses sheer numerousness with weight and value.

American middle-class culture is like the pilot whose plane is sinking complaining about how the plane *ought to be* instead of describing *how it is* and fixing the problem.  It’s trying to create Disneyland in our everyday lives.

Can you give an example of how American middle-class culture is fucked up?
Light turns green.  Car in front doesn’t move.  Nobody honks to tell car in front to move because everyone thinks it’s rude to do so.  That results in environmental damage (car stays on road longer), lost productivity, and worse traffic.  Watch this PEMCO commercial:

Now that’s fucked up.  This polite bullshit needs to go, shit needs to get done.  Oh, and these people won’t slurp noodles because they think it’s rude.  That’s really fucked up.

Is this a Seattle thing?
Nah, it’s an American issue, as Paul Fussell has noted.  Seattle is the politest major city in the US, so the problem is a lot worse here than say, NYC, which is culturally more continental European than Anglo.

What do you suggest we do to stop being so polite and passive-aggressive?

*Use fewer euphemisms (be precise and accurate)
*Rely less on sarcasm (veiled hostility isn’t funny)
*Use fewer adverbs (they’re pretentious and distracting)
*Be less sentimental (don’t create drama)
* Use the word “motherfucker” at least once a day (will make your piss smell good)
* Never, ever use the phrase “pardon me.” (just say “sorry,” sheesh)
* Slurp your ramen (it’ll taste better)
* Lick your plate (have fun!)

What should I do when someone asks me “How are you?”
Tell the truth, don’t follow middle-class script.  Then you’ll see if person was sincere when asking the question or just acting like a middle-class zombie.

Is the porn novel finished?

Can I read it?
Yes! Ask us and we’ll show you where to find it.

Is there another novel coming?
Yeah, we’re working on: “I Drank Vodka While Pregnant: Confessions of a Nice Girl.” And “Daddy Dearest,” a story about a guy who falls in love with his girlfriend’s father so he marries her to be with him and then murders her and her mom so he can have him all to himself.  Kinda like Nabokov’s Lolita.

And he thinks I’m batshit crazy?

What’s up with the monthly Art Show?
Live music, funny drinks, live painting, tarot card readings, and artists showing their works.  Check Facebook for more info.

What diet should I follow to lose weight?
Salad for breakfast.  Drink it if you don’t have time, try the Supermodel: avocado, collards, kale, ginger, other greens and protein. That’ll help you regulate serotonin levels so you don’t get pissy later in the day.  Pissiness is what triggers emotional eating.


Hate Mail Contest II

(Posted on craigslist)

Alright Motherhuggers,

It’s time for Alive Juice Bar’s Second Hate Mail Contest.  Prizes are bigger this time, so let’s do it.

This time, we’re not just doing it to improve the quality of hate mail we receive.  We want to remind people that hate is best expressed via ART, not GUNS.  And this being Seattle — the most passive-aggressive city outside of Japan — it’s especially important for us to recognize the hate and anger within all of us and embrace it before it embraces us.  No one gets shot the next time Milo Yiannapoulos shows up at UW, ok?

And the *quality* of the hate mail we get after we piss someone off still sucks. Example (real):

“What a fucked up job posting. Who the hell would want to work for you after reading that shit? You can tell by what kind of person you are with the attitude you portray on Craigslist. You don’t have the right to talk like that. I feel sorry for the slaves that have to labor under an asshole.”

Boring. Unacceptable. To improve the quality of hate mail we receive, we’re hosting Alive Juice Bar’s second Hate Mail contest. Winner gets $200 gift card. Second place, $50.  Third place, $25.  Everyone else gets a free add-on to their drink.  Employees select finalists to be judged by customers. Your name will be redacted, we will protect your privacy so don’t go chickenshit on us, ok? So let’s get this going, Motherfuggers.

Guidelines: we want well-written, we want art. Don’t just tell us what you think about the person who wrote this ad, tell us WHAT YOU’D LIKE TO DO TO HIM, or HAPPEN TO HIM. Dig deep, find your inner rage, reveal your inner freak — we know there’s some Marquis de Sade in you, we can feel it. Example:

“To the sick fuck who wrote this piece of shit ad, I hope you get gang-banged by giant orangutans until your butthole looks like a donut. You deserve to be buried alive in your own shit because even horse shit is too good for you.”

Some keywords you might want to use or at least consider to get your creative juices flowing: porcupine, jalapenos, Wonder Woman, Donald Trump, pink, King Kong, handcuffs, mini-me, dolphins, charcoal, pirhanahs, Justin Bieber, The Gimp, Michael Jackson, Hello Kitty.

Now to inspire you Motherfuckers, to get you angry enough to turn on the (she)Hulk so you can write some hate mail art: here are a few reasons owner deserves hate mail from you:

Owner is insulting, rude and abusive. Examples:
1) Charging customers $1 to change the music.
2) Telling customer to go to Jamba Juice
3) Calling customers Dumbass for asking for wheatgrass
4) Forcing employee to call customer Fuck-Face. And then charging customer a dollar for the abuse.
5) Charging customer $1 for better service when customer is unhappy with and requests better service
6) Inhumane, slave driving owner who does unspeakable things with jalapenos
7) Telling customers how they fucked up their kids.
8) Calling employees “Stupid, Useless, Cunts.”
9) Demanding improved quality of hate mail sent to him
10) Calling Oprah Winfrey a “House Nigger”
11) Rants about how White people are fucking things up
12) Random misogynistic musings.
13) Routinely playing misogynistic music like “Me So Horny” and “Taught Her How to Fuck.”
14) Prominently displaying Milo Yiannapolous’s book Dangerous
15) Playing videos of Donald Trump’s Top Ten Insults
16) Telling customer he can’t serve him because he doesn’t like him


Less is more.  Nearly all entries we received first time around were too long.  We were touched by how hard and long some worked on their hate mail art but quantity doesn’t make quality. So again, LESS IS MORE.  Write as much as you want, but the real work is EDITING and EDITING it down to something we and our customers can read within 2 minutes.

Don’t hesitate to pretend we (or and especially the owner) is someone you really hate.  Like the boyfriend who ran off with your Dad, who in the process left your Mom.  The girlfriend who convinced you to tattoo her name on your penis, only to dump you after you did it.

Embrace your anger to unleash your imagination.  Listen to Eminem for inspiration. Alright, let’s do, motherfuckers, let’s do it.

If you want examples of owner making misogynistic comments, read:

Examples of owner calling his employees “stupid, useless, cunts,” read:

Owner telling customers how they fucked up their kids:

Owner calling Oprah a “house nigger”:

Owner forcing employee to call customer a Fuck-Face:


Kale Chip Hand-job Technique and Recipe

First episode of our cooking videos, How to Make Kale Chips.  Arlene shows you the proper way to prepare the kale chips for baking.

More videos to come, including “How to Make Black Bean Brownies,” “How to Slurp Noodles Like a Chinaman,” and “How to Make Your Kid Eat the Nasty Shit.”


Are You Batshit Crazy?

They say food regulates emotion and vice versa.  From Dartmouth College:

The past 80 years have seen immense progress in research, primarily short-term human trials and animal studies, showing how certain foods change brain structure, chemistry, and physiology thus affecting mood and performance. These studies suggest that foods directly influencing brain neurotransmitter systems have the greatest effects on mood, at least temporarily. In turn, mood can also influence our food choices and expectations on the effects of certain foods can influence our perception.

Which explains why Phreaky Phil Brenchley acts like a hairy cunt two hours after having her Americano and muffin for breakfast; why Marla gets so much shit done after starting her morning with a kale smoothie and an avocado salad.  Why Chelsea gorges on donuts when Francisco’s wee wee malfunctions from eating and drinking only pizza and beer for an entire week.
Point is, the proper balance of nutrients is crucial to our emotional well-being.  Pick the wrong diet and you’ll become batshit crazy. We’ll discuss more about the link between diet and emotional health later.  First, let’s figure out what it means to be “batshit crazy.”
Quiz time!  Pick:

  1. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Trust fund kid slumming it with the hobos
    b. White trash who knows she’s White trash
    c. Middle class who thinks she’s high society.
  2. Who will most likely become batshit crazy?
    a. Asian kid who gets bitch slapped for getting a “B” because “B” is for bitch.
    b. Black kid molested by his football coach
    c. Middle-class White kid who gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.
  3. Who will most likely become batshit crazy?
    a. Kid living in Syrian war zone
    b. Middle-class White kid
    c. Bill Gates’s kids
  4. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Psychology major
    b. Sociology major
    c. Math major
  5. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
  6. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Grocery store cashier, enjoys reading Cosmo
    b. Therapist, reads New York Times everyday
    c. Juice bar owner writing a porn novel
  7. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Carmela, she’s a prostitute
    b. Jimmy, he’s a social justice activist
    c. Tyrone, he’s in jail

From Steven Seibold, a former professional tennis player and a performance coach to professional athletes:

In 20 years of competing, coaching and working with performers from various fields, I’ve discovered most amateurs suffer from mild to severe delusion in relation to their efforts and competencies. In other words, most people delude themselves into thinking they are working harder then they are, and that they are more competent than they actually are. Of the five major levels of conscious awareness, (poverty, working, middle, upper, and world) my experience has been that performers at the middle-class levels of consciousness suffer the grandest delusions. The poverty level is barely surviving and living in a very harsh set of circumstances. The working class is punching a mental time clock and counting the days until retirement. They’re usually not expecting much, and no one around them expects much, either. They are typically not concerned about climbing any higher.

Being poor doesn’t make one batshit crazy. Not knowing one’s place, not having an accurate sense of reality about oneself and others is what makes one batshit crazy.  Siebold on why the middle-class is batshit crazy:

It’s the middle class that is most incongruent with reality. They are operating at a high enough level to understand that higher levels exist. Although they don’t expect to get there, the thought crosses their minds from time to time. Because of their low expectations, their actions are incongruent with their desires. In other words, they want to live the life of the world class, but are unwilling to pay the price. Since this reality is too harsh to bear, they delude themselves into thinking they are doing everything in their power to get ahead. Of course, they’re not. They’ll tell you they’re putting in far more time than they are. They’ll swear they are thinking about their vision all the time, but they’re not. The world class is brutally honest with themselves, and they tend to look reality in the face. They err on the side of over-practicing and over-preparing. Champions know that, to ascend to the top, you must first be operating from a mindset of objective reality. Self-deception and delusion have no place in the professional performer’s consciousness.

The lifeline of the middle-class delusions are its lame excuses for why they can’t get to the next level: the teacher is racist, the test is sexist, the boss is culturally biased, the game is rigged, but but but…   Siebold on the mismatch between middle-class mindset and their aspirations.

Amateur performers operate from delusion, pros operate from objective reality. The great ones’ habits, actions, and behaviors are totally congruent with the size and scope of their ultimate vision. That’s why we call them champions.

Keep in mind that being middle-class doesn’t make one batshit crazy.  It’s the pairing of middle-class mindset with championship aspirations that makes one batshit crazy. A middle-class person who is comfortable and satisfied with middle-class life isn’t batshit crazy.  Middle class guy with middle-class habits and middling results who is waiting to be discovered by Snoop Dog and win his Grammy is going to be batshit crazy.
Are you batshit crazy?  Take the test, part I!

  1. Do you believe in self-love?
    a) No, only those who are chronically unhappy and deeply troubled believe and need that shit.
    b) Yes, in this time of hate, we all need to love ourselves more so we can love others more.
    c) No, self-love is a moral flaw, like vanity and selfishness
  2. How many of your close friends routinely preach “self-love” philosophy?
    a) 0
    b) 1-5
    c) 6 or more
  3. Do you consciously practice self-love each day?
    a) Yes, of course!
    b) Nah, don’t have time for that, got better things to do.
    c) I jerk off every day, does that count?
  4. Why are you so stupid?
    a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask enough questions.
    b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
    c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
  5. Why are you so smart?
    a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
    b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
    c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.
  6. How often do you screw up?
    a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
    b) Never.
    c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.
  7. Why are you so lazy?
    a) I daydream a lot.
    b) I’m not lazy.
    c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.
  8. Why are you so stupid?
    a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
    b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
    c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question for the third time.  This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.
  9. What’s Plato’s Republic about?
    a) Why we’re all dumbasses
    b) The meaning of life
    c) How to be happy

Take another one, Part II!

  1. What happens when school district gives middle-class high school students their own laptops?
    a) Playing field is leveled, they perform almost as well as those rich privileged kids at elite private school like Lakeside.
    b) They use it to watch movies and play games, no change in academic performance.
    c) They perform worse, laptops make people stupid.
  2. Your 8 year old is new at school.  He gets shoved out of lunch line and is told to get to the back.  He responds by beating the shit out of the kid who bullied him.  What’s your response?
    a) Ground him and make him apologize to kid he beat up.
    b) Tell him he did the right thing and to never worry about lawsuits, you’ll take care of those if they come up.
    c) Have your kid apologize to the kid he beat up and have them talk it out.  End with hug.
  3. Your daughter loves gymnastics and is about to enter her first meet.  She’s confident about winning and even thought about the perfect place to hang her blue ribbon.  While she did well, she didn’t medal, and was devastated.  What do you, as a parent, tell her?
    a) Tell her you thought she was the best
    b) Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.
    c) Tell her she doesn’t deserve to win because she didn’t work hard enough.
  4. How do you get someone to love you? 
    a) Go out of your way to do things for that person.
    b) Get them to do something for you.
    c) Hire a witch and cast a spell.
  5. How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
  6. How many hours a week does Eminem work?
    a) 100
  7. How many hours a week does 50 Cent work?
    a) 100
    b) 70
    c) 40
  8. What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
    a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
    b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
    c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers.
  9. What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
    a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
    b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
    c)Recording himself banging his hot secretary.
  10. What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
    a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince.
    b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
    c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.
  11. What was 50 Cent doing on a random Saturday night, 2006?
    a) Getting fucked up his ass by his trainer, who resembles Justin Bieber
    b) Working out, writing songs and negotiating business contracts.
    c) Sucking your mom’s big black dick, what the fuck does this have to do with my mental health?
  12. Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
    a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
    b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
    c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”
  13. Who is most likely to describe oneself as “brilliant?”
    a. Bill Gates
    b. Psychology major in community college
    c. Justin Bieber
  14. Who is most likely to describe himself as a “genius?”
    a. White kid majoring in  Social Justice at University of Washington
    b. Asian kid majoring in Computer Science at Harvard
    c. Mexican working in kitchen.
  15. You move to another city and your child enrolls in another school. He was a B and C student at his previous school, he’s now a straight A student.  What do you do?
    a. Congratulate him for being so smart and working so hard.
    b. Tell him that the school must suck and put him in another school.
    c. Tell him teachers are previous school were idiots, this is much better school.
  16. Your partner tells you you’re lazy.  How do you respond?
    a) Takes one to know one, asshole.
    b) Why am I lazy?
    c) You never see all the things I do for you.

No answers yet.  We’ll provide them in Part II: Why You’re Batshit Crazy.  In the meantime, show your friends, see if they answer as you would.  Emotional states are contagious.