Frequently Asked Questions XIV

Business
Are you selling the juice bar and dance studio?
Yes, to an employee. She’ll take over in 3 years and she’ll do a better job of running it.

What are you going to do instead? 
Open and run Redneck Bistro.

Where’s that going to be?
Same neighborhood (SnoKing).  Having trouble finding a landlord in this neighborhood who is ok with name.

Why don’t you open it in Ballard or Capitol Hill instead?  They’d be ok with the name.
I’m emotionally invested in SnoKing neighborhood.  We’ll figure it out.   

General
Why is the blog so focused on narcissism?
Influence from The Last Psychiatrist (who probably isn’t a psychiatrist), who says that narcissism is the fundamental human condition. Originally, the blog was about Original Sin, and that sin could be anything depending on the individual.  Now I think narcissism *is* our Original Sin and that other sins (eg. envy, sloth, greed) are its expressions.

Are millennials more narcissistic than other generations?
No.  Even though some (poorly designed) studies suggest they are.

You really don’t think millennials are more narcissistic?
They’re about as narcissistic as their parents. Cultures evolve slowly and don’t change much.

Are there cultures that aren’t narcissistic?
No, it’s our Original Sin.  But the Amish come the closest.

amish

They’re less narcissistic than you because you wear buttons. And also because you receive more compliments in one day than they do in a lifetime.

How do we become less narcissistic?
According to The Last Psychiatrist, the moment you stop thinking of yourself as a narcissist — the moment you deny your Original Sin — is when you become one. You’ll stop noticing your narcissistic habits, such as virtue signalling and fishing for compliments. Never let your guard down.

What’s an example of a subtle narcissistic act?
When someone says: “It is with unbearable grief and deep sadness that I announce the unexpected death of our dear friend…”  that person is bringing inappropriate attention to himself.  Attention should be on the person who died.

Education
Are American schools really that bad?
No.  The quality is uneven, the top 100 American schools can compete against the best in the world, while 80 percent of high schools and colleges (Pareto Principle) shouldn’t exist because they produce no or negative value.

What do you mean by negative value?
They make students dumber.

How do they make students dumber?
Good schools teach grit.  Shit schools are obsessed with the emotional health of students.  Which ironically makes students emotionally frail and stupid.

Do you think schools in China are much tougher than those in the US?
The top schools in the US are *at least* as tough as the top schools in China.   The average school in China, however, is much tougher than the average school in US.

How do you know?
People point to China’s college entrance exam — gaokao, a 3 day exam — as example of how far ahead of us they are.  But they’re comparing it to the SAT, a 3 hour exam that tests basic skills.  That’s not a fair comparison.  American students who get into schools like Harvard and CalTech typically ace 8-12 AP exams and then ace a slew of SAT Achievement tests in addition to acing the SAT.  Top American students take MORE, not fewer exams than their Chinese counterparts.  And American tests are more difficult.

So you don’t think we should emulate Asian schools?
No need to emulate them, our schools need to emulate top American schools.

chinesestudents

Chinese students have it easy, they only have to take 3 days worth of entrance exams.  American students aiming for top college take 2 weeks worth of standardized tests spread over 3 years.

Why doesn’t average school emulate top American schools?
Middle-class America is the too fucktarded and delusional and soft to emulate the best Americans.  American middle-class was made by Redneck work ethic and values.  Then they decided to abandon and demonize those values as a way to get ahead.  Now the middle-class finds itself slipping and is scared about its future, even while high-paying Redneck jobs go unfilled because middle-class no longer want them.

dirty-jobs-with-mike-rowe

This redneck is smiling because he makes $200,000 a year doing shit that the minimum wage college grad who majored in Social Justice won’t do.

Will American middle class disappear?
No.  They’ll self-correct.  While American parenting is soft, American society is tough on its people and its businesses operate as do stereotypical East Asian families.  American society will crush you if you don’t work hard and long.  People eventually figure it out.

 

Caption: How the best American companies are run: Steve Jobs makes Tiger Mom look like a kitten.

 

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Notes on How to Write a Resume

We have our own free resume writing workshop for our employees (and customers).  Let us know if you want to attend.  Notes from workshop below.

Four Rules:

    1. Don’t be a fraud.  Never write what you think someone wants to hear.  Besides, you’re not good at figuring out what other people really want to hear. So be honest about your intentions.  Be authentic. But it’s hard to be authentic when we’re trained and encouraged to be frauds and fucktards.  To cut the bullshit, allow yourself to list only one goal (aka “Objective”), the most important one to you, on the resume. So turn this:
      .

      Objective: Hardworker seeking a position that will allow me to utilize my knowledge and great communication skills to help customers make better lifestyle choices so they live more productive lives.  

      Which sounds fucktarded, to this:

      Goal: To make enough money so I can move away from my parents.

      Not saying wanting to “help customers make better lifestyle choices so they live more productive lives” is a lie.  It’s not, *everyone* wants to do that. But it’s bullshit because in most cases, that’s not the primary motivator. Everyone wants to help other people as long as it’s convenient to do so.  Few will help people when it’s painful to do so.

      Writing this way will also help you stay focused and block out the noise of people telling you who you should be to fit in.
      .

    2. Don’t assess yourself (eg. I’m hardworking, I’m smart).  List your achievements instead.  It’s up to the reader to decide if you’re hardworking or smart. When you assess yourself, you’re showing your standards.  If you think you’re smart because you graduated from Sonoma State University, there’s someone who graduated from Princeton who thinks you have low standards.  So avoid using phrases such as:
      .
      * Hardworking and cheerful
      * Dedicated and smart
      * Great communication skills
      .
      Another way to put it: be humble.  Show, don’t tell. Let your actions do the talking.
      .
    3. Less is more, elegance in simplicity.  This principle applies to everything, from fashion to cooking to architecture to writing.  Use as few words as possible and opt for word with fewest syllables.  Examples:
      .
      “Goal” instead of “Objective”
      “Use” instead of “Utilize”
      .
    4. Avoid euphemisms.  Euphemisms are a waste of time and energy, be direct and honest.  English professor Paul Fussell, on fraudulent, pompous language:

The middles cleave to euphemisms not just because they’re an aid in avoiding facts.  They like them also because they assist their social yearnings towards pomposity.  This is possible because most euphemisms permit the speaker to multiply syllables, and the middle class confuses sheer numerousness with weight and value.

So “Secretary” instead of “Project Coordinator.”  “Dishwasher” instead of “Team Member,” “Stripper” instead of “Dancer.” “Shopkeeper” instead of “CEO.” Don’t be a fraud, frauds are unattractive except to other frauds, and they’re all batshit crazy.

Example resume and cover letter:

Boy Wants Job to Get Laid

Frequently Asked Questions XIII

Food and Service
We love your ordering system, especially not having to wait in line. So why don’t some people like it?  
Some people are so used to bad service that they freak out when they get good service.

When are you going to serve cricket cookies?
Cricket brownies instead, on sale now for limited time.

Why limited time? 
Too expensive.

Then why serve it at all?
To encourage customers to explore what’s possible to eat.

“BE RUDE, it’s more efficient” campaign.
What’s the point of the new campaign? 
It’s a critique of ridiculous American middle-class manners that are fucking things up.

What’s wrong with American middle-class people? 
This isn’t about middle-class people.  There are middle-class people who don’t practice middle-class culture. It’s middle-class culture that’s practiced by anyone, regardless of socio-economic class, that’s fucked up.

What’s fucked up about American middle-class culture?
This culture produces people who are fake, pompous, delusional, inefficient, hypersensitive, passive-aggressive, and batshit crazy.  Professor of English Paul Fussell puts it best:

The middles cleave to euphemisms not just because they’re an aid in avoiding facts.  They like them also because they assist their social yearnings toward pomposity.  This is possible because most euphemisms permit the speaker to multiply syllables and the middle class confuses sheer numerousness with weight and value.

American middle-class culture is like the pilot whose plane is sinking complaining about how the plane *ought to be* instead of describing *how it is* and fixing the problem.  It’s trying to create Disneyland in our everyday lives.

Can you give an example of how American middle-class culture is fucked up?
Light turns green.  Car in front doesn’t move.  Nobody honks to tell car in front to move because everyone thinks it’s rude to do so.  That results in environmental damage (car stays on road longer), lost productivity, and worse traffic.  Watch this PEMCO commercial:

Now that’s fucked up.  This polite bullshit needs to go, shit needs to get done.  Oh, and these people won’t slurp noodles because they think it’s rude.  That’s really fucked up.

Is this a Seattle thing?
Nah, it’s an American issue, as Paul Fussell has noted.  Seattle is the politest major city in the US, so the problem is a lot worse here than say, NYC, which is culturally more continental European than Anglo.

What do you suggest we do to stop being so polite and passive-aggressive?

*Use fewer euphemisms (be precise and accurate)
*Rely less on sarcasm (veiled hostility isn’t funny)
*Use fewer adverbs (they’re pretentious and distracting)
*Be less sentimental (don’t create drama)
* Use the word “motherfucker” at least once a day (will make your piss smell good)
* Never, ever use the phrase “pardon me.” (just say “sorry,” sheesh)
* Slurp your ramen (it’ll taste better)
* Lick your plate (have fun!)

What should I do when someone asks me “How are you?”
Tell the truth, don’t follow middle-class script.  Then you’ll see if person was sincere when asking the question or just acting like a middle-class zombie.

General
Is the porn novel finished?
Yes!

Can I read it?
Yes! Ask us and we’ll show you where to find it.

Is there another novel coming?
Yeah, we’re working on: “I Drank Vodka While Pregnant: Confessions of a Nice Girl.” And “Daddy Dearest,” a story about a guy who falls in love with his girlfriend’s father so he marries her to be with him and then murders her and her mom so he can have him all to himself.  Kinda like Nabokov’s Lolita.

And he thinks I’m batshit crazy?
Yep.

What’s up with the monthly Art Show?
Live music, funny drinks, live painting, tarot card readings, and artists showing their works.  Check Facebook for more info.

Diet
What diet should I follow to lose weight?
Salad for breakfast.  Drink it if you don’t have time, try the Supermodel: avocado, collards, kale, ginger, other greens and protein. That’ll help you regulate serotonin levels so you don’t get pissy later in the day.  Pissiness is what triggers emotional eating.

Hate Mail Contest II

(Posted on craigslist)

Alright Motherhuggers,

It’s time for Alive Juice Bar’s Second Hate Mail Contest.  Prizes are bigger this time, so let’s do it.

This time, we’re not just doing it to improve the quality of hate mail we receive.  We want to remind people that hate is best expressed via ART, not GUNS.  And this being Seattle — the most passive-aggressive city outside of Japan — it’s especially important for us to recognize the hate and anger within all of us and embrace it before it embraces us.  No one gets shot the next time Milo Yiannapoulos shows up at UW, ok?

And the *quality* of the hate mail we get after we piss someone off still sucks. Example (real):

“What a fucked up job posting. Who the hell would want to work for you after reading that shit? You can tell by what kind of person you are with the attitude you portray on Craigslist. You don’t have the right to talk like that. I feel sorry for the slaves that have to labor under an asshole.”

Boring. Unacceptable. To improve the quality of hate mail we receive, we’re hosting Alive Juice Bar’s second Hate Mail contest. Winner gets $200 gift card. Second place, $50.  Third place, $25.  Everyone else gets a free add-on to their drink.  Employees select finalists to be judged by customers. Your name will be redacted, we will protect your privacy so don’t go chickenshit on us, ok? So let’s get this going, Motherfuggers.

Guidelines: we want well-written, we want art. Don’t just tell us what you think about the person who wrote this ad, tell us WHAT YOU’D LIKE TO DO TO HIM, or HAPPEN TO HIM. Dig deep, find your inner rage, reveal your inner freak — we know there’s some Marquis de Sade in you, we can feel it. Example:

“To the sick fuck who wrote this piece of shit ad, I hope you get gang-banged by giant orangutans until your butthole looks like a donut. You deserve to be buried alive in your own shit because even horse shit is too good for you.”

Some keywords you might want to use or at least consider to get your creative juices flowing: porcupine, jalapenos, Wonder Woman, Donald Trump, pink, King Kong, handcuffs, mini-me, dolphins, charcoal, pirhanahs, Justin Bieber, The Gimp, Michael Jackson, Hello Kitty.

Now to inspire you Motherfuckers, to get you angry enough to turn on the (she)Hulk so you can write some hate mail art: here are a few reasons owner deserves hate mail from you:

Owner is insulting, rude and abusive. Examples:
1) Charging customers $1 to change the music.
2) Telling customer to go to Jamba Juice
3) Calling customers Dumbass for asking for wheatgrass
4) Forcing employee to call customer Fuck-Face. And then charging customer a dollar for the abuse.
5) Charging customer $1 for better service when customer is unhappy with and requests better service
6) Inhumane, slave driving owner who does unspeakable things with jalapenos
7) Telling customers how they fucked up their kids.
8) Calling employees “Stupid, Useless, Cunts.”
9) Demanding improved quality of hate mail sent to him
10) Calling Oprah Winfrey a “House Nigger”
11) Rants about how White people are fucking things up
12) Random misogynistic musings.
13) Routinely playing misogynistic music like “Me So Horny” and “Taught Her How to Fuck.”
14) Prominently displaying Milo Yiannapolous’s book Dangerous
15) Playing videos of Donald Trump’s Top Ten Insults
16) Telling customer he can’t serve him because he doesn’t like him

Guidelines

Less is more.  Nearly all entries we received first time around were too long.  We were touched by how hard and long some worked on their hate mail art but quantity doesn’t make quality. So again, LESS IS MORE.  Write as much as you want, but the real work is EDITING and EDITING it down to something we and our customers can read within 2 minutes.

Don’t hesitate to pretend we (or and especially the owner) is someone you really hate.  Like the boyfriend who ran off with your Dad, who in the process left your Mom.  The girlfriend who convinced you to tattoo her name on your penis, only to dump you after you did it.

Embrace your anger to unleash your imagination.  Listen to Eminem for inspiration. Alright, let’s do, motherfuckers, let’s do it.

If you want examples of owner making misogynistic comments, read: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/11/16/frequently-asked-questions-part-v/

Examples of owner calling his employees “stupid, useless, cunts,” read: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2015/01/06/why-we-dont-change/

Owner telling customers how they fucked up their kids: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/03/26/how-the-cult-of-self-esteem-produces-fuck-ups/

Owner calling Oprah a “house nigger”: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/10/22/why-we-dont-carry-wheatgrass/

Owner forcing employee to call customer a Fuck-Face: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/08/31/how-to-break-rules-and-get-away-with-it/

Kale Chip Hand-job Technique and Recipe

First episode of our cooking videos, How to Make Kale Chips.  Arlene shows you the proper way to prepare the kale chips for baking.

More videos to come, including “How to Make Black Bean Brownies,” “How to Slurp Noodles Like a Chinaman,” and “How to Make Your Kid Eat the Nasty Shit.”

Are You Batshit Crazy?

They say food regulates emotion and vice versa.  From Dartmouth College:

The past 80 years have seen immense progress in research, primarily short-term human trials and animal studies, showing how certain foods change brain structure, chemistry, and physiology thus affecting mood and performance. These studies suggest that foods directly influencing brain neurotransmitter systems have the greatest effects on mood, at least temporarily. In turn, mood can also influence our food choices and expectations on the effects of certain foods can influence our perception.

Which explains why Phreaky Phil Brenchley acts like a hairy cunt two hours after having her Americano and muffin for breakfast; why Marla gets so much shit done after starting her morning with a kale smoothie and an avocado salad.  Why Chelsea gorges on donuts when Francisco’s wee wee malfunctions from eating and drinking only pizza and beer for an entire week.
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Point is, the proper balance of nutrients is crucial to our emotional well-being.  Pick the wrong diet and you’ll become batshit crazy. We’ll discuss more about the link between diet and emotional health later.  First, let’s figure out what it means to be “batshit crazy.”
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Quiz time!  Pick:
.

  1. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Trust fund kid slumming it with the hobos
    b. White trash who knows she’s White trash
    c. Middle class who thinks she’s high society.
    .
  2. Who will most likely become batshit crazy?
    a. Asian kid who gets bitch slapped for getting a “B” because “B” is for bitch.
    b. Black kid molested by his football coach
    c. Middle-class White kid who gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.
    .
  3. Who will most likely become batshit crazy?
    a. Kid living in Syrian war zone
    b. Middle-class White kid
    c. Bill Gates’s kids
    .
  4. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Psychology major
    b. Sociology major
    c. Math major
    .
  5. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a.Tiffany
    b.Olga
    c.Phuc-Dat
    .
  6. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Grocery store cashier, enjoys reading Cosmo
    b. Therapist, reads New York Times everyday
    c. Juice bar owner writing a porn novel
    .
  7. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Carmela, she’s a prostitute
    b. Jimmy, he’s a social justice activist
    c. Tyrone, he’s in jail
    .

From Steven Seibold, a former professional tennis player and a performance coach to professional athletes:

In 20 years of competing, coaching and working with performers from various fields, I’ve discovered most amateurs suffer from mild to severe delusion in relation to their efforts and competencies. In other words, most people delude themselves into thinking they are working harder then they are, and that they are more competent than they actually are. Of the five major levels of conscious awareness, (poverty, working, middle, upper, and world) my experience has been that performers at the middle-class levels of consciousness suffer the grandest delusions. The poverty level is barely surviving and living in a very harsh set of circumstances. The working class is punching a mental time clock and counting the days until retirement. They’re usually not expecting much, and no one around them expects much, either. They are typically not concerned about climbing any higher.

Being poor doesn’t make one batshit crazy. Not knowing one’s place, not having an accurate sense of reality about oneself and others is what makes one batshit crazy.  Siebold on why the middle-class is batshit crazy:

It’s the middle class that is most incongruent with reality. They are operating at a high enough level to understand that higher levels exist. Although they don’t expect to get there, the thought crosses their minds from time to time. Because of their low expectations, their actions are incongruent with their desires. In other words, they want to live the life of the world class, but are unwilling to pay the price. Since this reality is too harsh to bear, they delude themselves into thinking they are doing everything in their power to get ahead. Of course, they’re not. They’ll tell you they’re putting in far more time than they are. They’ll swear they are thinking about their vision all the time, but they’re not. The world class is brutally honest with themselves, and they tend to look reality in the face. They err on the side of over-practicing and over-preparing. Champions know that, to ascend to the top, you must first be operating from a mindset of objective reality. Self-deception and delusion have no place in the professional performer’s consciousness.

The lifeline of the middle-class delusions are its lame excuses for why they can’t get to the next level: the teacher is racist, the test is sexist, the boss is culturally biased, the game is rigged, but but but…   Siebold on the mismatch between middle-class mindset and their aspirations.

Amateur performers operate from delusion, pros operate from objective reality. The great ones’ habits, actions, and behaviors are totally congruent with the size and scope of their ultimate vision. That’s why we call them champions.

Keep in mind that being middle-class doesn’t make one batshit crazy.  It’s the pairing of middle-class mindset with championship aspirations that makes one batshit crazy. A middle-class person who is comfortable and satisfied with middle-class life isn’t batshit crazy.  Middle class guy with middle-class habits and middling results who is waiting to be discovered by Snoop Dog and win his Grammy is going to be batshit crazy.
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Are you batshit crazy?  Take the test, part I!

  1. Do you believe in self-love?
    a) No, only those who are chronically unhappy and deeply troubled believe and need that shit.
    b) Yes, in this time of hate, we all need to love ourselves more so we can love others more.
    c) No, self-love is a moral flaw, like vanity and selfishness
    .
  2. How many of your close friends routinely preach “self-love” philosophy?
    a) 0
    b) 1-5
    c) 6 or more
    .
  3. Do you consciously practice self-love each day?
    a) Yes, of course!
    b) Nah, don’t have time for that, got better things to do.
    c) I jerk off every day, does that count?
    .
  4. Why are you so stupid?
    a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask enough questions.
    b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
    c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
    .
  5. Why are you so smart?
    a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
    b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
    c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.
    .
  6. How often do you screw up?
    a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
    b) Never.
    c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.
    .
  7. Why are you so lazy?
    a) I daydream a lot.
    b) I’m not lazy.
    c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.
    .
  8. Why are you so stupid?
    a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
    b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
    c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question for the third time.  This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.
    .
  9. What’s Plato’s Republic about?
    a) Why we’re all dumbasses
    b) The meaning of life
    c) How to be happy
    .

Take another one, Part II!
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  1. What happens when school district gives middle-class high school students their own laptops?
    a) Playing field is leveled, they perform almost as well as those rich privileged kids at elite private school like Lakeside.
    b) They use it to watch movies and play games, no change in academic performance.
    c) They perform worse, laptops make people stupid.
    .
  2. Your 8 year old is new at school.  He gets shoved out of lunch line and is told to get to the back.  He responds by beating the shit out of the kid who bullied him.  What’s your response?
    a) Ground him and make him apologize to kid he beat up.
    b) Tell him he did the right thing and to never worry about lawsuits, you’ll take care of those if they come up.
    c) Have your kid apologize to the kid he beat up and have them talk it out.  End with hug.
    .
  3. Your daughter loves gymnastics and is about to enter her first meet.  She’s confident about winning and even thought about the perfect place to hang her blue ribbon.  While she did well, she didn’t medal, and was devastated.  What do you, as a parent, tell her?
    a) Tell her you thought she was the best
    b) Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.
    c) Tell her she doesn’t deserve to win because she didn’t work hard enough.
    .
  4. How do you get someone to love you? 
    a) Go out of your way to do things for that person.
    b) Get them to do something for you.
    c) Hire a witch and cast a spell.
    .
  5. How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
    a)100
    b)70
    c)40
    .
  6. How many hours a week does Eminem work?
    a) 100
    b)70
    c)40
    .
  7. How many hours a week does 50 Cent work?
    a) 100
    b) 70
    c) 40
    .
  8. What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
    a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
    b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
    c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers.
    .
  9. What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
    a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
    b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
    c)Recording himself banging his hot secretary.
    .
  10. What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
    a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince.
    b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
    c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.
    .
  11. What was 50 Cent doing on a random Saturday night, 2006?
    a) Getting fucked up his ass by his trainer, who resembles Justin Bieber
    b) Working out, writing songs and negotiating business contracts.
    c) Sucking your mom’s big black dick, what the fuck does this have to do with my mental health?
    .
  12. Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
    a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
    b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
    c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”
    .
  13. Who is most likely to describe oneself as “brilliant?”
    a. Bill Gates
    b. Psychology major in community college
    c. Justin Bieber
    .
  14. Who is most likely to describe himself as a “genius?”
    a. White kid majoring in  Social Justice at University of Washington
    b. Asian kid majoring in Computer Science at Harvard
    c. Mexican working in kitchen.
    .
  15. You move to another city and your child enrolls in another school. He was a B and C student at his previous school, he’s now a straight A student.  What do you do?
    a. Congratulate him for being so smart and working so hard.
    b. Tell him that the school must suck and put him in another school.
    c. Tell him teachers are previous school were idiots, this is much better school.
    .
  16. Your partner tells you you’re lazy.  How do you respond?
    a) Takes one to know one, asshole.
    b) Why am I lazy?
    c) You never see all the things I do for you.
    .

No answers yet.  We’ll provide them in Part II: Why You’re Batshit Crazy.  In the meantime, show your friends, see if they answer as you would.  Emotional states are contagious.

Frequently Asked Questions XII (Politics Edition)

Links to FAQ XI

Rumors
Is it true that an employee once pointed a loaded gun at a guy’s nut-sack?
Yes, but she was off hours and he wasn’t a customer.

Is that little girl the owner’s daughter or someone he hired from an orphanage?
She’s not his daughter.

How did Roxanne G. end up in jail?
Who told you she’s in jail?

Who is Phreaky Phil Brenchley?
He’s a dickhead.

Politics
Why did Trump win the White Trash vote?  
He didn’t.  White Trash *who know* they’re White Trash voted for Trump.  White Trash *who don’t know* they’re White Trash voted for Clinton.

How will the election affect the juice bar?
No significant impact.  Business will continue as always.

Why is that?
We don’t let external events affect us.  We instead adapt to new conditions.  That’s more effective than trying to control what we can’t control.

You’re not worried that produce prices and labor cost will go up when all illegal immigrants are deported?
Not going to happen. And if it does, we’ll adapt, as always.

So you’re ready for recently passed Initiative 1433, which raises state minimum wage to $13.50 by 2020?
Yep, we’ll adapt.

Will you increase prices?
Probably not until 2018.  We’ll first become more efficient.  For 2017, we’ll better enforce the $1 surcharge for not following ordering guidelines.  Will also add an “Asshole Charge,” $1. Again, no significant changes.

Do presidential elections matter?
Not as much as some think.  Tufts University political scientist and former legal council to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee Michael Glennon on presidential power:

The presidency itself is not a top-down institution, as many people in the public believe, headed by a president who gives orders and causes the bureaucracy to click its heels and salute. National security policy actually bubbles up from within the bureaucracy.

For Glennon, this explains why, six years into Obama’s presidency, the:

Obama version of national security looks almost indistinguishable from the one he inherited. Guantanamo Bay remains open. The NSA has, if anything, become more aggressive in monitoring Americans. Drone strikes have escalated.

When Obama tried to implement his foreign policy:

Obama and his team being shocked and angry to discover upon taking office that the military gave them only two options for the war in Afghanistan: The United States could add more troops, or the United States could add a lot more troops. Hemmed in, Obama added 30,000 more troops.

Under Obama, there have been US interventions in Libya, Syria, Yemen, Ukraine, and more. The only difference between Obama and Bush administrations has been that the former prefers interventions while the latter prefers invasions.

So you don’t think Trump can “drain the swamp”?
Don’t think he can or will. Last president who tried was assassinated. But it’ll be fun to see what Trump advisor Steve Bannon can do about the problem. Trump is just an “imperfect vessel.”

Is America in decline?
No.  It just feels like it is to some people, which has and will always be the case.  As David Brooks has noted, the new American elite — think Silicon Valley executives and immigrant research directors — are far more productive and prescient than the Old Money elite.  They’ll continue to produce jobs for nearly every segment of society, regardless of skill.  The US will continue to be unusually stable for a nation of its size and diversity.

Food
Which food item is overrated?
Orange juice. OJ lobby has convinced Americans that orange juice is the best, most convenient and cost-effective source of vitamin C.  It’s not, it’s full of sugar.  A couple bites of bell pepper gets you as much as vitamin C as does a calorie dense cup of orange juice.  Click here for alternatives to OJ

What’s underrated? 
Popcorn.  So much fiber, so few calories!  Eat this if you want to feel full and lose weight.

 

Why She Got Knocked Up

Posted from our sister blog — privilegedpoor.com — to remind everyone that we have a (neglected) clothing store, a project that’s related to the Juice Bar mission.  We’re working on updating inventory.  Check it out when you stop by the Juice Bar: Hours 7am-2pm; 6pm-9pm.

To better understand the clothing store — its purpose and mission — read offensive material below.

I.

In controversial 2012 New York Times op-ed How to Live Without Irony,  Princeton professor Christy Wampole calls Gen-Y hipsters fucktards for being irresponsible poseurs:

Manifesting a nostalgia for times he never lived himself, this contemporary urban harlequin appropriates outmoded fashions (the mustache, the tiny shorts), mechanisms (fixed-gear bicycles, portable record players) and hobbies (home brewing, playing trombone). He harvests awkwardness and self-consciousness. Before he makes any choice, he has proceeded through several stages of self-scrutiny. The hipster is a scholar of social forms, a student of cool. He studies relentlessly, foraging for what has yet to be found by the mainstream. He is a walking citation; his clothes refer to much more than themselves. He tries to negotiate the age-old problem of individuality, not with concepts, but with material things.

Is Wampole’s critique part of the tired cycle of one generation gratuitously belittling the next generation’s habits, attitudes, and sensibilities, or is there substance to Walpole’s observations? Let’s explore both possibilities and see where this takes us.

Wampole anticipates being called a hypocrite who is making a big deal about nothing.  So she confesses:

 I, too, exhibit ironic tendencies. For example, I find it difficult to give sincere gifts. Instead, I often give what in the past would have been accepted only at a White Elephant gift exchange: a kitschy painting from a thrift store, a coffee mug with flashy images of “Texas, the Lone Star State,” plastic Mexican wrestler figures. Good for a chuckle in the moment, but worth little in the long term. Something about the responsibility of choosing a personal, meaningful gift for a friend feels too intimate, too momentous. I somehow cannot bear the thought of a friend disliking a gift I’d chosen with sincerity. The simple act of noticing my self-defensive behavior has made me think deeply about how potentially toxic ironic posturing could be.

She tells us that she’s not perfect, that she too is guilty of insincerity — which in this context is ironically itself ironic posturing and self-defensive behavior — and uses an example that’s disingenuous at best. If “finding it difficult to give sincere gifts” is the best she can come up with, then I guarantee you she’s either hiding a dead body or there’s a lot of self-deception and repression going on here. People give insincere gifts to friends and family because deep down they don’t like and give a shit about them, yet are are obligated to pretend to like them.  There’s nothing ironic about shitty gifts, the giver is giving and communicating exactly what she intends to give and communicate. It’s the social context — spending the holidays with people you can’t stand — that’s drenched in irony, that allows the shitty gift to appear ironic so no one gets hurt.  It’s the denial of one’s true intentions — not ironic posturing — that’s toxic. 

This is a fashion blog, so here’s another way to look at it.  If you were surprised that that “nice White girl” from that nice conservative family with sterling reputation got knocked up by a cholo who wasn’t her boyfriend at the time of the tryst, and then tried to hide the pregnancy from everyone until she couldn’t, there’s something wrong with you too. “But she dresses so modestly, and seemed like the nicest girl in the world.” As if promiscuity and taste in men and impulse control have anything to do with hemlines and push-up bras and ridiculous middle-class manners.  “But I taught her Christian values and how to behave and to avoid the wrong crowd, I taught her to wait, at least until he’s accepted as a boyfriend,” mulls confused Mom. Sorry Mom, but protecting your daughter from the latest slut-wear trends doesn’t protect her from developing an addiction to flattery that got her knocked up by a trashy sweet talker you can’t stand. And remember, the apple doesn’t fall far from its tree, one of those apples will eventually be eaten by the person who planted that tree.

II.

Who below is most ironic?

a) Forty year old tow truck driver drinking Mountain Dew and smoking cigarettes while listening to Bach and Mozart.

b) Trust fund kid majoring in Russian Lit. at Oberlin College, dressed like a hobo, listening to Casiotone for the Painfully Alone (obscure band specializing in ironic remakes of pop songs)

c) Thirty year old county prosecutor dressed in Brooks Brother’s suit, listening to Outkast (hardcore gangster rap) on his way to work

d) Modestly and mainstream dressed (with frilly accents and excessive patterns) 27 year old office manager who listens to Aaliyah and Norah Jones, attends church every Sunday.

a. That’s an amusing sight and sound.  He’s worth a look.

b. That’s a tired look. Usual old money rich kid dealing with feelings of guilt, pride, and ennui by trying on different personas. Which is why editorials on why it’s a tired look are themselves tired.

c. Mildly interesting.  Nah, nothing to look at, who gives a shit.

d. Looks and sounds boring. And that’s precisely why it’s my pick.  There’s a lot more to this look than it seems. This is the person we should be worried and talking about. This person, not the hipster, is the archetype of our collective madness.

III.

Wampole says it’s wrong to appropriate styles one doesn’t understand. Which means she lives with a copy of her dissertation up her ass. Are we not allowed to listen to Bach if we don’t understand the purpose of counterpoint? Is it wrong for a woman to watch football to make herself more attractive to guys? Or for a guy to take ballet lessons for the babes? Attend opera to appear cultured and sophisticated, and not for the appreciation of opera?

Once read about a guy who took ballet lessons for the babes.  Ended up liking it so much he became more interested in ballet than the babes (which brought him more babes). Sincere appreciation often begins with exposure and disingenuous interest.

IV

People don’t repress horrible memories.  In fact, people are far more likely to make-up horrible memories (to elicit sympathy, to play victim).  People only repress that which threatens their identity. And rage against those who threaten their identity.

V

Ironic mode of living isn’t new. It’s 1950 and Gloria Vanderbilt is slumming it with James Dean bad boy types and eventually goes on to popularize working class blue jeans for people of all social backgrounds. The tension created by ironic gestures — in this case, a blue blood trying out working class life — drives change in fashion.  What’s new for Wampole is the scale of ironic living and the availability of ironic modes.  Wampole on Internet’s impact on lifestyle options:

Life in the Internet age has undoubtedly helped a certain ironic sensibility to flourish. An ethos can be disseminated quickly and widely through this medium.

Not sure what she means by “a certain ironic sensibility” (do certain sensibilities thrive better in Internet age?).  Let’s set that aside for now and compare pre-Internet to Internet. In 1980, the small-town White girl could only imitate the lives she reads about in Glamour and Cosmopolitan (ha, you really think she read Pride and Prejudice?), the shows she watches on three (only!) TV channels (lives too far from films). Her options were limited to whatever a few Jews were telling actors and models who were pretending to be White Anglo-Saxon Pricks to act and wear.  In her world, homosexuality doesn’t exist, the French are romantic, NYC is scary, and the Japanese are boring.

Take same girl, have her experience 2015. Now every girl has to have a gay friend to be cool, the French are rude, NYC is exciting, and the Japanese are the funniest people on earth. That’s what happens when you have access to youtube, 100s of tv channels, streaming movies from around the world, and a far more diverse cast of American writers and actors.

And so?  All I get out of this comparison is that both have access to quick fixes and one person has more options to choose from when developing her identity and sensibilities. Wampole, in contrast, argues that the Internet age has somehow made Gen-Y hipsters morally, intellectually, and aesthetically deficient and that we should all strive to “live without irony.” Here’s an example Wampole provides of how hipsters have lost the ability to be patient:

Furthermore, the nostalgia cycles have become so short that we even try to inject the present moment with sentimentality, for example, by using certain digital filters to “pre-wash” photos with an aura of historicity. Nostalgia needs time. One cannot accelerate meaningful remembrance.

If this is her example, if using technology to play make-believe is a show of poor character, then she’s a Luddite and certi-fucking-fiably an Ivory Tower princess who makes a living complaining about stupid shit.  She’s calling someone who is creating an effect impatient. Next she’ll ask us to stop taking photos and do family portraits 18th century style, strike a pose until the artist is done some 6 hours later.  And toss all recorded music.  That’ll teach the philistines to delay gratification.

Wampole again on the difference between pre-Internet and Internet:

While we have gained some skill sets (multitasking, technological savvy), other skills have suffered: the art of conversation, the art of looking at people, the art of being seen, the art of being present. Our conduct is no longer governed by subtlety, finesse, grace and attention, all qualities more esteemed in earlier decades. Inwardness and narcissism now hold sway.

As if people’s conduct has ever been “governed by subtlety, finesse, grace, and attention.” And “inwardness and narcissism” have ALWAYS held “sway,” it’s our total depravity: you can read about that in Plato, Homer, Confucius, Sun-Tzu, Kierkegaard, the Bible, the story of Echo and Narcissus, pick any Classic from any culture and you’ll learn that people are born as fucktards and to live authentically is to struggle with one’s narcissism — our Original Sin — that basic human condition.

VI

You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re embarrassed to like.

VII

Ironic living isn’t the problem.  It’s not even the “ethos of our age.” Repression is.

When Wampole writes about hipsters, she’s primarily writing about upper-middle class kids and young adults.  The ones who don’t have to shop second hand and know they’re not supposed to watch Jersey Shore or listen to Justin Bieber but do so anyway with a smirk.  She feels qualified to write about them because, as she tells it, she grew up as one of them and now teaches them at Princeton.

Hipsters explore and negotiate the contours and boundaries of identity. Which is what non-hipsters in their age group are doing too.  As defensive and irresponsible as hipsters may appear, at least they recognize the shallowness of their experiments, the vulgarity of their desires, and the dissonant features of their lives. Let them be, they’re young, they’ll sort it out when they have real responsibilities.  And when they do sort it out, all their attempts at cool may produce something of value, something classic, and they’ll live out their lives either as the privileged poor (no money), or as bourgeois bohemians (have money).  I’m more worried about those who live ironically without realizing they’re doing so.  They’re the ones living a dangerous lie, they’re the ones who project on their bookshelves and closets and social media so they can repress repress repress: from their anger and fear and confusion to the miserable truths about their lives they prefer to not confront and fix.

VIII

Middle-class White woman, that “girl next door” we talked about above, had everyone fooled.  Her parents were fooled, her friends were fooled, but her ovaries weren’t.  When a cholo sweet talked her into spreading her legs, her body was saying: “this is the one,” even as her mind told her that mom and dad are going to be pissed, and friends are going to be shocked.

Why would she sleep with a cholo? She’s not slumming, only upper class women have the power to do that.

Because her public persona and look is a facade. Scan her bookshelf and you see middlebrow literature (New York Times best sellers that she thinks of as respectable literature but are in fact ridiculous and overwrought tales of redemption); artsy Hollywood films and mainstream foreign ones. Boring and middlebrow, right?  Look more closely. Her online subscription to New York Times shows she only reads articles on Restaurants and Travel. The Walter Isaacson’s Steve Jobs biography has never been touched. There are a few sappy romances in her movie collection. Now go into her room.  There you find dogeared murder mysteries and trashy romance novels and travel books. Her clothes may be from middle-class stalwarts like Banana Republic, but she picks items that are frilly or have excessive patterns. As much as she wants to be upper-middle class, as hard as she tries to maintain her middle-class identity, her baseline desires, habits, and worldview are thoroughly lower-middle class.  She doesn’t study for the CPA on dreary wet days, she doesn’t even curl up with a book, she binge watches TV while eating an entire tray of brownies. She works for rewards and praise, not for a sense of achievement and virtue.  She’s addicted to compliments. She’s afraid of being seen at McDonald’s. She’s easily hurt. She wears large hoop earrings.  She lives ironically without realizing it.

She tried dating into the upper-middle class. They didn’t like her, they weren’t impressed with her job or her bullshit college degree or her contrived taste.  The cholo, on the other hand, was impressed with all her books and her college degree and liked that she had a few extra pounds and thought she dressed pretty. He was sincere when he told her how smart she is, how pretty she is. Her ovaries responded accordingly.  This was the best thing to happen to her.  She’s finally free from living a lie and can be herself to her parents and friends.

The difference between a hipster and mainstream-knocked-up-by-cholo-girl-next-door isn’t in their desires, but in their approach to desire. The hipster doesn’t hide his desire to listen to Justin Bieber or his preference for ranch dressing or his urge for a McRib.  He wrly announces his baser desires, which is why he eventually outgrows them. The mainstream girl repressed her desires, or at least hid them from the public, which made them grow stronger and more infantile.

Everyone thought her life was over when she announced she was knocked up by a cholo (who by definition, doesn’t live ironically). Actually, her life was finally beginning. If she’d married that software engineer she and her parents hoped she’d marry, she’d be in therapy.  Ironically, it’s the cholo, despite not being able to provide her the life she and her parents once expected, who saved her. He showed her how free and happy she could be by living sincerely and authentically, as has he.

Training Manual Part III: Employee Test

  1. Customer walks in (you don’t know his name).  How do you greet him?
    a) Hey!
    b) Hello sir, how are you this evening?
    c) Wussup, fuckface?
  2. The bus shows up 10 minutes late, making you 10 minutes late to work.  Whose fault is it that you’re late?
    a) Bus driver’s
    b) Traffic’s
    c) My fault
  3. Customer greets you with: “Hi, how are you?”  How do you respond?  
    a) I’m doing very well.  How are you?
    b) What do you want?
    c) I’m making rice and beans.  Try some!
  4. Your co-worker moved something to wrong place and you know it’s in the wrong place.  Manager asks why it’s in the wrong place.  How do you respond?
    a) She put it there, not me.
    b) I don’t know, no idea how it got there.
    c) I’ll move it.
  5. Owner teaches you to make something one way.  Manager teaches you to do it another way. You’re working with the manager, owner is watching.  Whose way do you follow?  
    a) Manager’s
    b) Owner’s
    c) Do your own thing, show them you’re a superstar!
  6. Jane walks in and orders two 32 oz jars of juice, which will take you 15 minutes to make.  Jared walks in immediately after she places her order and orders a small juice, which takes 2 minutes to make.  Sam enters immediately after Jared places his order and orders a smoothie, which takes 30 seconds to make, whom do you serve first?
    a) Jane
    b) Jared
    c) Sam
  7. Cassie’s daughter is throwing ice cubes at other customers.  What do you do?
    a) Tell them to “get the fuck out.”
    b) Politely ask Cassie to tell her daughter to stop
    c) Throw ice cubes at them.
  8. You’re the principal of the school.  You visit a class where students are either goofing off or sleeping.  What do you do?
    a) Tell everyone who doesn’t pay attention will get failing grade for the day.
    b) Don’t do anything.  Privately tell teacher that he sucks at teaching, that’s why nobody is listening.
    c) Explain to students why it’s important for them to pay attention to their teachers.
  9. You’re sampling drinks.  How do you say to get someone to try one?
    a) “Hi, would you like to try this?
    b) “Try this.”
    c) “Drink this or I’ll hit you.”
  10. You notice someone checking out your ass as you’re making drink.  What should you do?
    a) Continue as usual
    b) Tell him to stop because it’s making you uncomfortable.
    c) Wiggle it.
  11. Your car battery dies so you’re late for work.  Whose fault is it you’re late?
    a) Nobody, sometimes shit happens
    b) The battery’s.
    c) My fault
  12. Customer asks you what’s the most popular drink.  How do you respond?
    a) Tell him what you think is most popular.
    b) Ask him which flavors he prefers.
    c) Ask the manager to answer his question.
  13. As you’re focused on a complicated order, condescending customer tells you that you should smile more if you want a tip.  How do you respond?
    a) “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day.”
    b) Smile more.
    c) Ask her if she’d like a side order of “Fuck Off” to go with her order.
  14. Customer who doesn’t know what to order asks you what your favorite drink is.  How do you respond?
    a) Tell him your favorite drink
    b) Ask him which flavors he prefers
    c) Tell him you’ll tell him if he tips you $10.
  15. What matters most to MOST customers when buying something to eat?
    a) taste
    b) cost
    c) how healthy it is.
  16. What’s the appropriate way to talk to co-worker?
    a) Hey, would you mind getting me some beets when you get a chance?
    b) Hey fucktard, get me some beets or I’ll hit you.
    c) Get beets now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Frequently Asked Questions Part XI

Links to FAQ X

General

Who is Gary Johnson?
Libertarian candidate for president, polling it at around 10 percent. Check him out if you want another option. Link

Wouldn’t supporting him be a wasted vote?  
If his support reaches 15 percent, he’ll be invited to the National Debates.  He’ll win the election if he wins the debates.

Why hasn’t there been a second Alive Juice Bar Hate Mail Contest?
We want to host a second one but craigslist no longer allows for html links on their ad pages. Those links are crucial to the marketing success of the contest.  Link to first contest

What’s the point of the Hate Mail Contest? 
Marketing tool to attract relevant customers.

How many submissions did you get? 
A dozen or so.  Customers voted for finalists.  Employees selected winner.

Food

What’s in the Redneck Meal?
Today it’s redneck pulled pork w/brown rice and beans, kale, onion, and sweet peppers.

That doesn’t sound very rednecky, does it?
So what do Black people eat then?

Do you put monkey jizz in your drinks?
No, that’s a rumor started by pedophile Phil.  In any case, we don’t know where to get any.

Are you really going to serve crickets?
Yes, we’ll start with cricket cookies.  Next culinary frontier will be insects as protein.  Much more environmentally friendly than beef.

I hear there’s going to be a kid’s menu.  What’s up with that?
We’re working with an 11 year old on it.  She wants a G version of the menu so we obliged. It’s a way to make Alive Juice Bar more family friendly without sacrificing its edginess.

Any items on Kid’s menu not found on Adult version?
Maybe, we’ll see.  For now, we’re working on drink names that are meaningful to pre-teens.

Is it true Alive Juice Bar robust salads, chips, brownies, and chicken meals are sold at Wired Chicks Espresso?  
Yes, they’re located on Bothell-Everett Highway, next to Lake Forest Park Town Center.  Look for the Chevron station.

Customers

J Crispy says that he tried to pay off his tab but you wouldn’t let him.  What’s up with that?
He did, a year after we named a drink after him.  But owner already paid off his tab.  Meaning, we purchased the rights to use his name.

Wait, J Crispy is a real person?
Yes.  Check him out here: J Crispy

Does he really still come in?
Yes.  We give him good service too.  He’s a good kid, we like him.  He’s grown up a lot.

So why is a drink still named after him? 
Because customers enjoy saying “J Crispy Dickhead.”  It’s the best way to get customers to try a cactus smoothie.

Other
Is the porn novel about woman trying to get guy to tattoo her name on his penis and then dumping him done yet?  

No. Didn’t like first draft — too pretentious, too serious, tried too hard to be deep — so started over.  It’s more lighthearted and silly now.  New voice.  In middle stages.

Can I read it?
Yes, and comments welcome.

Where’s the link?
Ask in person.

Who is Roxanne G?
She used to handle customer relations.  Now she’s undercover. Great gal, tell her that if you see her.