Answers to application questions

This is how sane, highly functional people think about themselves and others. Ask: who is more likely to live life as one of the working poor with all sorts of mental health problems, the person who thinks the CEO of Walmart works 40 hours a week, or the one who thinks he works 100 hours a week?

Your son is sick. What do you do?
a) stay home with him to dote on him until he gets better
b) let him die, he’s going to be a meth addict anyway
c) have him get better in the spare room in the basement, throw out his favorite toy

Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”

Why are unhappy people chronically unhappy?
a) They think they should be happy all the time
b) They’re stressed out all the time
c) They’re poor

You move to another city and your child enrolls in a new school. He was a B and C student at his previous school, he’s now a straight A student. What do you do?
a. Congratulate him for being so smart and working so hard.
b. Tell him that this school must have low standards and put him in another school.
c. Tell him teachers at previous school were idiots, this is a much better school.

The bus shows up 10 minutes late, making you 10 minutes late to work. Whose fault is it that you’re late?
a) Bus driver’s
b) Traffic’s
c) My fault

Customer walks in (you don’t know his name). How do you greet him?
a) Hey!
b) Hello sir, how are you this evening?
c) Wussup, fuckface?

Customer greets you with: “Hi, how are you?” How do you respond?
a) I’m doing very well, thank you. How are you?
b) What do you want?
c) I’m making rice and beans. Try some!

Your co-worker moved something to wrong place and you know it’s in the wrong place. Manager asks why it’s in the wrong place. How do you respond?
a) She put it there, not me.
b) I don’t know, no idea how it got there.
c) I’ll move it.

Owner teaches you to make something one way. Manager teaches you to do it another way. You’re working with the manager, owner is watching. Whose way do you follow?
a) Manager’s
b) Owner’s
c) Do your own thing, show them you’re a superstar!

Jane walks in and orders two 32 oz jars of juice, which will take you 15 minutes to make. Jared walks in immediately after she places her order and orders a small juice, which takes 2 minutes to make. Sam enters immediately after Jared places his order and orders a smoothie, which takes 30 seconds to make, whom do you serve first?
a) Jane
b) Jared
c) Sam

You’re the principal of the school. You visit a class where students are either goofing off or sleeping. What do you do?
a) Tell everyone that anyone who doesn’t pay attention will get failing grade for the day.
b) Don’t do anything. Privately tell teacher that he sucks at teaching, that’s why nobody is listening.
c) Explain to students why it’s important for them to pay attention to their teachers.

How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
a)100
b)70
c)40

How many hours a week does Taylor Swift work?
a) 100
b)70
c)40

Your car battery dies so you’re late for work. Whose fault is it you’re late?
a) Nobody’s, sometimes shit happens
b) The battery’s.
c) My fault

Customer asks you what’s the most popular drink. How do you respond?
a) Tell him what you think is most popular.
b) Ask him which flavors he prefers.
c) Ask the manager to answer his question.

As you’re focused on a complicated order, condescending customer tells you that you should smile more if you want a tip. How do you respond?
a) “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day.”
b) Smile more.
c) Ask her if she’d like a side order of “Fuck Off” to go with her order.

How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
b) Never. Hire me and you’ll see my awesomeness.
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.

What happens when school district gives middle-class high school students their own laptops?
a) Playing field is leveled, they perform almost as well as those rich privileged kids at elite private school like Lakeside.
b) They use it to watch movies and play games, no change in academic performance.
c) They perform worse, laptops make people stupid.

Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) I’m not stupid.
c) I’m too lazy to ask enough questions.

How do you produce kids who will become confident adults with healthy self-esteem?
a) Tell them how amazing, wonderful and special they are.
b) Set higher and higher expectations and expect them to achieve them.
c) Try to build a stress free environment for them so they can achieve their goals.

How do you improve overall academic performance at a school?
a) Increase funding so facilities can be improved.
b) Increase number of Asian (from Confucian cultures only) students
c) Increase salaries so teachers perform better

Your partner tells you you’re lazy. How do you respond?
a) Takes on to know one, asshole.
b) How am I lazy?
c) You never see all the things I do for you.

Who will most likely grow up to be batshit crazy?
a. Asian kid who gets bitch slapped for getting a “B” because “B” is for Bitch.
b. Black kid molested by his football coach
c. Middle-class White kid who gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

Someone leaves knives in soapy water. What do you do to make sure that person never does it again?
a) Tell her that doing that can hurt someone, that she needs to think about the consequences of her actions.
b) Lock her in the freezer for an hour.
c) Fill sink with soapy water and knives. Have her wash knives.

Your 8 year old is new at school. He gets shoved out of lunch line and is told to get to the back. He responds by beating the shit out of the kid who bullied him. What’s your response?
a) Ground him and make him apologize to kid he beat up.
b) Tell him he did the right thing and to never worry about lawsuits, you’ll take care of those if they come up.
c) Have your kid apologize to the kid he beat up and have them talk it out. End with hug.
.
Your daughter loves gymnastics and is about to enter her first meet. She’s confident about winning and even thought about the perfect place to hang her blue ribbon. While she did well, she didn’t medal, and was devastated. What do you, as a parent, tell her?
a) Tell her you thought she was the best
b) Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.
c) Tell her she doesn’t deserve to win because she didn’t work hard enough.

What should Mother say to get her son to eat something he doesn’t want?
a. Drink that kale smoothie or I’ll kick your ass.
b. Drink that kale smoothie if you want to grow a nine inch cock and find a girlfriend who’ll ride it.
c. Baby, drink that kale smoothie, it’s good for you, do it for mommy, ok?

Who is most likely batshit crazy?
a. Tiffany
b.Olga
c.Phuc-Dat Bich (real name)

Who is most likely suicidal?
a. Carmela, she’s a prostitute
b. Jimmy, he’s a social justice activist
c. Tyrone, he’s in jail

The Soup *Blank* Kitchen FAQs

Why did you take off the “word” Nazi?
The sign was putting neighbors in danger — there was a drive by shooting and graffiti last night — and we don’t need police officers getting hurt if a mob shows up. I feel bad about inconveniencing people and grateful that my neighbors are so patient with me. (Oh the perils of letting Andrew be Andrew).

What’s the new name going to be?
I don’t know? A customer had an excellent suggestion: Alive Soups. Leaning toward that, as it differentiates and links brands. Still tempted to experiment with, just to see how differently people would react:

  • Soup Lenin Kitchen
  • Soup Mao Kitchen
  • Soup British Kitchen
  • Soup Korean Kitchen

Would there be double standards? Probably. I mean, I consider the Brits the most murderous and racist empire — colonialism was justified by racism — of the past two centuries. How problematic would Korean xenophobia be? Point is, if we go by a single standard, there wouldn’t be many words left to choose from. Every regime has blood on its hands, every person has sinned, and all words can be interpreted as diabolical.

Why didn’t you stick with the original name and debate the triggered?
People rarely want to debate, it’s usually a waste of time.

Do you get triggered by words and images?
I don’t know. I watched a BBC piece on China the other day and their coverage, which I found unfair, and it made me angry and frustrated. So I feel emotions. But is that the same as being triggered? I’m not sure what triggered means.

Is the censorship going to get worse?
I don’t think so, trends run in cycles. And Bill Mayer, a liberal, is starting to push back at the cancel culture movement.

Will the controversy generate more business?
Everyone in Everett knows who I am now but don’t know if it’ll generate more or less business.

Was it worth it?
I don’t know.

FAQs about The Soup Nazi Kitchen

Why did you choose the name?
It refers to the moniker — Juice Nazi — customers gave me for my focus on efficiency. It references Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi episode, nostalgia for the 90s really, when there was nowhere this amount of censorship (Eminem, NWA, Quentin Terantino). Finally, it refers to the present, this business was created in response to the lockdown and social distancing measures.

Were you trying to be provocative?
Yes.

Does it bother you that you’re offending a lot of people?
No, I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings, only my own. The moment you become responsible for other people’s feeling is when you stop being responsible for your own feelings. And that’s not a healthy way to live.

Can’t you at least try to not be offensive?
That’s impossible because every expression and behavior is offensive to someone somewhere. The way Americans drink soup with a spoon is offensive to me, for instance (See How to Eat Like an Asshole), but it doesn’t affect my well being. You can’t be inoffensive, you can only not let external events affect your well being.

Are you an asshole?
I don’t know.

Doesn’t Seinfeld own the trademark to this name?
No, I do.

What’s the purpose of using a provocative name?
Help put an end to tyranny. There’s no end to what’s unacceptable, businesses need to push back before everyone and everything is cancelled. During the Chinese Cultural Revolution, people were sent to education camps for cooking and eating the politically incorrect meal. Appeasing the mob won’t make the situation better, it emboldens the mob to ask for more concessions until there’s nothing left.

Aren’t you going to attract White supremacists’?
No, I’ll attract the same customers I’ve always attracted: people of all races, religions, sexual orientations, ages, who just want to be left alone, get shit done, and laugh at life.

How is this appropriate when White supremacy is on the rise?
No, White supremacy is not on the rise. Nationalism — wrongly conflated with White supremacy — everywhere is on the rise, which is a reasonable response to globalism, the rule of transnational corporations with the US as its private security force.

Are you going to change the name?
Maybe, to The Soup SJW Kitchen.

More to come as I collect questions.

Description and Intro to upcoming book: “How to Look Fuckable While Pregnant”

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08F25B281

Book Description

Are you preggers and horny?  How horny are pregnant women and why aren’t they thought of, especially by the fashion industry, as sexual beings?  What does the prevalence of young White women getting knocked up by “persons of color” reveal about hipster fashion?  Why is college a scam and how does it make people fat and stupid?  Which nets a better return on investment,  giving heroin users a $1000 a month or using that money to fund schools?  

Read this book if you’ve ever thought that nearly everything you learned in school is bullshit.  Read it if you want to know how the world really works.  Read it for insights.  Read it for laughs.  Read it because you want to scream: “FUCK THIS SHIT!!!”      

Introduction

I owned a now defunct clothing store, The Privileged Poor.  I opened it because I wanted to think about how Americans imagine and manage their identities vis-a-vis fashion choices and how these choices become meaningful.  I also wanted to see what happens when we scramble identities.  

The sorting system at a typical clothing store begins with gender.  The segregation is spatial, with the Women’s section occupying this space, Men’s that space, the division clearly marked so Julio doesn’t embarrass himself.  In these gendered spaces, products will be further sorted by apparel type (eg. sweaters, skirts, lounge wear, suits, shoes), which are then arranged systematically by sizes. Some other classifications include event (eg. bridesmaid, prom, beach party) or style (eg. J. Crew’s “Style At Every Age” campaign, which explicitly matches fashion sensibility with an age group).

Are such gendered spaces necessary? What’s their function? Julie already wears her boyfriend’s jeans, boxers, and button downs, why not make it easier for her to continue her style after he dumps her?  Do we really need to tell Jimmy that his package isn’t going to fit well in those red thongs? My favorite pair of sweatpants was a boot-cut “Women’s” pair (discontinued) from Club Monaco that fit perfectly and didn’t make me look like a slob, as Men’s sweatpants usually do to men.  I’d pair it with a soft and thin tail-less button down — also from Club Monaco — and accessorize with a simple canvas messenger bag and a well-trained Siberian Husky for a comfy lounge-wear look good enough to get me great service wherever I went shopping.

At The Privileged Poor, we got rid of gender distinctions and stopped sorting by apparel and size and instead organized clothing and accessories by identity.  Ironic identities.  For instance:

  • The Bourgeois Bohemian
  • The Pretentiously Frugal
  • The Over-Educated Dirtbag
  • The Redneck Poseur
  • The Privileged Poor
  • The Frat Boy Hippie
  • The Champagne Socialist

We provided the pieces, re-branded in our own fucked up way.  Where does that thick and coarse 1989 Bud Bowl T-shirt go, to the Redneck Poseur or the Frat Boy Hippie?  The tagless soft cotton button down from who knows when and where except it came at a Third World cheap price, to the Bourgeois Bohemian or the Pretentiously Frugal? The point of this experiment was to give customers an opportunity to explore possibilities and put together an outfit, a persona — an *identity* — that enters and disrupts narratives of migration, alienation, and belonging.  We wanted (American) customers to feel like immigrants — to try new and confusing identities, as immigrants often do — so they can reclaim their immigrant heritage, the essence of  Americanhood.  

This book — a collection of essays about American culture and politics —  is divided into four parts.  Part I, titled American Fashion, isn’t just about clothes and their accessories, it’s about what’s culturally fashionable.  It begins with an eponymously titled satirical reading of American identity politics.  Instead of asking why there aren’t more Black physicists and Asian basketball players, I wonder why the fashion industry treats horny pregnant women as non-existent and how we can change that.  Suburban White Trash is the title and subject matter of chapter two, where the voice of an eighteen year old self-identified suburban White trash woman explains why high fashion begins not in hip cities but in overlooked suburban White trash communities.  Chapter three, Why She Got Knocked Up, is a story about why the (White) girl next door got knocked up by a cholo and what that tells us about hipsters and American culture.  Chapter four reviews 2019’s romantic comedy hit film, Crazy Rich Asians, and asks if it’s still fashionable to be an American.  

Part II is titled and about Schools, because Americans have a fetish for them.  Chapter five’s title asks “What if They Spend the Money on Heroin?” — a reference to 2020 presidential candidate Andrew Yang’s proposal to give a universal basic income of $1000/month to *all* Americans —  to begin a discussion about the value of schools.  Chapter six tells you How to Not Become Stupid in College by examining the history and original purpose of the University.  Chapter seven, Free College is the Second Dumbest Idea Ever, shows how public policy’s fetishization of college as the solution to all social problems leads to social disaster.  Chapter eight, College is a Scam, draws parallels between the Catholic Church and the University.  College Makes People Fat and Stupid, the title of Chapter nine, provides more examples of how college is a bad option for nearly all people.  Chapter ten lists How We Can Improve Schools Without Spending More Money.  

Part III is about Resumes, how Americans are taught to write them and what they reveal about the typical American psyche.  We approach this topic didactically, beginning with chapter eleven, Notes on How to Write a Resume.  Chapter twelve, Boy Wants Job to Get Laid, is an example of how I think resumes should be written, which is the opposite of what they teach in school.  Chapters 13-15 shows you how to write a resume like the one in chapter twelve.  

Part IV is about American Politics.  Chapter sixteen, Notes on the 2020 Sino-US Trade War, examines the impetus for the aforementioned trade war and what it reveals about how Americans pereceive themselves and the world.  Chapter seventeen, Passage of Seattle 15 Minimum Wage: Notes and Predictions (from 2014) examines the assumptions of the Democratic Socialist wave in American politics.  We end with Chapter eighteen, Notes on the 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidate Andrew Yang, to dissect his key proposal — Universal Basic Income of $1000/month to all American citizens ages 18-64.   

While the placement of chapters aren’t random, each essay can be read independently of the others.  Comments are welcome and can be sent to foodyap@gmail.com.  

Book Description and Intro to Paradise Frost: Satan as Santa (coming soon)

Book Description

Think Hell is hot?  Think again, it’s as frigid as Hillary Clinton.  John Milton wrote the literary classic Paradise Lost to give us Satan’s perspective of his predicament and The Fall of humankind.  Dante Aligheri wrote The Inferno, part one of his Divine Comedies, to give us a look at life in Hell.  When you combine the two and set Hell on the North Pole, you get Paradise Frost: Satan as Santa.  Read it to learn how much of a sinner you are.  Read it to be surprised by who is stuck in Hell.  Read it to find out how the deviant Mrs. Clause uses her elves as dildos.  Read it to discover how Santa satisfies his carnal urges with human whores.  Read it to decide if this is a work of blasphemy.  

Introduction 

I’d been writing this book with no intention of publishing it. It was a private project, one of self-reflection.  I wrote this to think about the seven deadly sins — lust, sloth, wrath, gluttony, greed, envy, and the deadliest of them all, vanity — and how I commit them.  

As a published work, this is a story about our Total Depravity and our Original Sin.  The underlying theme is that we are born corrupt and sinful, and we sin in ways we don’t realize.  Our suffering has little to do with external events, it’s the result of the dissonance between how we think of ourselves and who we really are.  

I struggle to understand what is and isn’t a sin. And my intuition tells me that the most dangerous sins are those we don’t recognize as such. To some, the Christian notion of sin is outdated, it’s an atavistic concept.  In other words, morality is relative and “sin” is contingent on cultural standards.  Fine, but keep in mind that I’m not interested in debating about cultural expressions of sin —  Mormon prohibition against alcohol, for instance.  I just want a better understanding about human nature.  Whether or not stoning an adulteress is a sin is irrelevant to me.  I’m only interested in why an adulteress is stoned —  was someone envious of her?  Another example: I put Hitler in Hell for being sentimental (emotional gluttony), and not for mass murder.  Because this is a story about human nature, about how everyone, across all cultures, are tempted by lust, sloth, wrath, gluttony, greed, envy, and vanity.  How someone expresses vanity may vary from culture to culture, and I don’t care about that.  I’m only interested in what vanity  — and the other six deadly sins — does to people.  

This book is Part I of an ongoing series which may never end because there’s so much moral ground to cover and so many people to send to Hell.  The main theme of Part I is that what seem like harmless, benevolent acts, are actually manifestations of our sinful nature.  Is sentimentality a sin?  James Baldwin thought so.  How about self-love, is that a sin, is that narcissism re-branded as a virtue?  What about self-care, is that a euphemism for selfishness?  What’s the hidden meaning behind popular cultural tropes?  My aim here is to desecrate the sacred, also known in the Bible as false idols.  False idols are everywhere and the worship of them is a sign of depravity.  

The title, Paradise Frost, is a play off of John Milton’s literary classic, Paradise Lost, which gives us Satan’s perspective on his predicament and The Fall of humankind.  This book combines the thematic content in Paradise Lost with that of Dante Aligheri’s The Inferno, part I of his Divine ComediesParadise Frost is a story about Satan and those who’ve unexpectedly joined him in Hell.  Biblical stories also figure prominently in Paradise Frost.     

To make reading more fun, I wrote in gratuitous and lascivious sex scenes inspired by some of the more grotesque sex scenes in the Bible.  No need to read deeply into these scenes for hidden meaning.  It’s pornography and it’s in here because sex sells.  

And yes, I’m a Christian and I consider this book an exploration of Christian theology.  

Enjoy!  

10 Years Old

Hey Everyone,

Alive Juice Bar has been in business for 10 years!  Thanks for the awesome memories, you’re the best for making this milestone happen.

The Shoreline location will close and move to downtown Everett in September.  To customers who live in Everett, I’ll see you there.  To those who live in Shoreline/Edmonds/Lake Forest Park/Mountlake Terrace, I’ll miss you so much.  I’ll continue to patronize Juicy Power Yoga, I’ll see some of you there.

We’re publishing books — including two Alive Juice Bar cookbooks — as a going away present, love letters really.  You’ll at least have the recipes to make your own Alive Juice Bar drinks and food.

We’re also opening The Soup Nazi Kitchen adjacent to Alive Juice Bar in Everett.  We’ll have a Facebook and Yelp page set up for it when it’s close to opening.

Stay strong, hugs and kisses,

 

 

 

 

Intro to upcoming book “Juice Nazi Seeks Head of Secret Police: A Guide to Running a Juice Bar”

Book Description

Wonder what it’s like to start a neighborhood juice bar?  Curious about how the Juice Nazi runs his notorious juice bar?  Can you correctly answer the infamous Alive Juice Bar application test questions?  Will you find the questions funny or mind blowingly offensive?  Read this to find out how to run a juice bar and if the Juice Nazi thinks you’re batshit crazy.  

Introduction

They say the Chinese government is run like a business.  The President is the CEO and the Premier is the COO.  The Politburo are the board of directors and Communist party members are shareholders.  Provincial leaders are district managers and so forth and so on, all the way down to the student interns.  Chinese citizens are the customers.  

Restaurants — businesses in general — are run like the Chinese government.  Juice bars, even more so because unlike most restaurants, my job at my juice bar isn’t solely to entertain customers, but also to guide them about matters of health and diet.  I don’t just cook nutritious drinks and meals that taste good to the customer, I’m expected to nurse sick customers back to health, to prescribe remedies to heal an injury, and to absolve those who’ve committed dietary debauchery.  Which means my job isn’t to give customers what they ask for, my job is to build trust.  That means I treat customers differently from what you’d get at a typical restaurant.  I expect customers who are transparent about what they want and need.  

I might poll customers about their preferences (focus groups) but I don’t let them decide what and how I serve because most of them, like American voters (myself included), don’t know what the fuck is going on on my end business-wise and on their end health and diet-wise.  Want wheatgrass?  Go to Jamba Juice, I’m not serving bullshit shots.  Want an acai bowl?  Go get one at Costco, that shit is a waste of time and resources.  The customer isn’t always right, the customer is usually wrong, ok?  My job is to cut through the bullshit to give my customers not what they want, but what they need to be healthy.   

An employee who makes an excuse gets chewed out.  No, not later when the customers are gone, immediately because otherwise, they’ll forget what happened.  Managers run the store as they want as long as we’re getting good results, and if the results aren’t good, they’re fired.  There’s no states rights or voting.  There’s surveillance.  Employee input and checks and balances, sure, we have those in place, just like how it is in China.  But no more than that because businesses need to be nimble to survive, we don’t have time for long debates and hesitation.  

It’s not my intention to conflate the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) with the Nazi party, the two parties are nothing alike unless you believe Western — especially American and British — media’s representations of the CCP and China (I don’t).  Rather, the “Juice Nazi” moniker that customers gave me references Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi, who is based on a real person.  In any case, I haven’t done anything extraordinary to earn this praise — I’m not at the same level as great chefs like Marco Pierre White, Jiro Ono, and Charlie Trotter, or great athletes like Tom Brady and Michael Jordan.  I’m nowhere as demanding, strict, and disciplined as any of them, which is why I’m nowhere as successful as they are.  

My purpose here is to show readers how to run a juice bar without boring those who aren’t planning to do so.  You can read this book as a behind the scenes reveal of a notorious juice bar, similar to Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential.  

This book is divided into five parts and thirty eight chapters.  Part I, Mindset, shows you my mindset and the reasons for it when I work.  Part II, Hiring, is mostly a collection of my most controversial application questions and shows how far we go to find the right employee.   

Part III, Employees, has musings about human nature — which you have to understand to run a juice bar and most businesses — considers how employees should be compensated, and reflects on why the labor market is what it is.  Part IV, Customers, explains why I treat customers as I do.  Part V, Nuts and Bolts, shows how Alive Juice Bar is run, from its use of music attract and repel customers to its batshit crazy way of luring new customers.  

This book can be read in whatever order you want.  Feedback and questions are welcomed, send it to foodyap@gmail.com.  Enjoy!  

 

 

Prologue
How it began

Part I — Mindset

Chapter one — Sixty rules I learned about owning a business
Chapter two — Mindset of a bad cook
Chapter three — Your hobby is not your passion
Chapter four — So you want to be a porn star?
Chapter five — Ten worst reasons to open a juice bar
Chapter six — Devil in the Kitchen: Review of Marco Pierre White’s memoir
Chapter seven — Ideas are worthless
Chapter eight — To whom I’d sell Alive Juice Bar
Chapter nine — How the cult of self-esteem produces fuck ups

Part II — Hiring  

Chapter ten — Reader reactions to Juice Nazi application
Chapter eleven — Juice Nazi seeks head of secret police
Chapter twelve — Alive Juice Bar seeking angry people
Chapter thirteen — Alive Juice Bar seeking very very very nice people
Chapter fourteen — Seeking Darth(ette) Vadar to join the Dark Side.
Chapter fifteen — So you want to manage a controversial juice bar
Chapter sixteen — Example of management material
Chapter seventeen — Answer key to

Part III — Employees

Chapter eighteen — On human nature
Chapter nineteen — How to spot bullshit
Chapter twenty — Training employees guidelines
Chapter twenty one — Passage of Seattle $15 minimum wage: notes and predictions
Chapter twenty two — $15/minimum wage: bring it on, motherfuckers
Chapter twenty three — What’s a fair wage?
Chapter twenty four — What’s a living wage?
Chapter twenty five — Who deserves a living wage?
Chapter twenty six — Jobs for all is the dumbfuckingest idea ever
Chapter twenty seven — How schools train students to not be responsible.  

Part IV — Customers

Chapter twenty eight — How to talk to customers
Chapter twenty nine — Obedience versus responsibility
Chapter thirty — What is means to be responsible
Chapter thirty one — Never say “no” to a customer
Chapter thirty two — How not to run a start-up business

Part V — Nuts and Bolts

Chapter thirty three — How to run a juice bar
Chapter thirty four — How to break rules and get away with it
Chapter thirty five — Use of music
Chapter thirty six — Guidelines
Chapter thirty seven — Etiquette
Chapter thirty eight — Are you batshit crazy?  

The Soup Nazi Kitchen business plan

Plans to open a bistro — Pot Roast — are on hold. We’ll instead open The Soup Nazi Kitchen. To the left, motherfuckers, to the left! Listen to this as you read:

Problem

Covid-19 has fucked everything up and getting back to normal is going to take awhile. This isn’t just about social restrictions, the economy is going to be fucked for awhile. Everett, where we were planning to open a sit down restaurant with patio seating, is a company town that’s dependent on Boeing jobs. Boeing, which was reeling before Covid-19 happened, is hyper fucked. I’m predicting an economic depression in Everett until it’s able to replace permanently lost Boeing jobs. It’s going to be hard to find customers willing to pay $30-$50 per person — a mid priced meal — for dinner.

While social restrictions will be relaxed, enough will remain in place for a long enough time to make owning a dine in restaurant unfeasible. Seating at half capacity, for instance, isn’t going to work financially for most restaurant owners. And I’m not sure if servers wearing masks is going to work for patrons. (Unless it’s a bandit themed restaurant? Hospital themed? Taliban themed, servers wear burkas and miniskirts?).

Solution

Quick service take-out restaurant, The Soup Nazi Kitchen, instead of a sit-down bistro. Whatever social distancing measures that are in place will be enforced with the zeal of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi (based on a real person, Albert Yeganeh)!

A meal of a 16 oz soup and an accompaniment can be had here for as little as $9, tax included, making it a well priced and hearty option in an economically distressed community. The 90s and Seinfeld themed nostalgia will hopefully lend comfort and inspire laughter.

Menu

What makes our soups distinctive is that we add garlic-onion-ginger juice to each broth. Broth is made in house using either a variety of bones or an assortment of seasonal vegetables. All prices include tax:

Soups, 16 oz ($6) or 32 oz ($10) options:

  • Beef stew (add $1)
  • Chicken or the egg? soup
  • Bacon and sausage chili
  • Salmon stew (add $1)
  • Vegan chili
  • Chinese dumpling soup
  • Tomato soup (vegan)
  • Coconut carrot soup (vegan)
  • Special weird shit of the week (eg head and tail soup [oxtail soup with beef cheeks]; pig trotters soup; lamb stew; cauliflower New England clam chowder; kimchi tofu shrimp soup; hot and sour egg drop soup)

Accompaniments ($3)

  • Curry brown rice and beans (16 oz)
  • Yam/kale/beet/apple chips
  • Half of a grilled cheese sandwich (add $1 for bacon)
  • Black bean brownie
  • Hummus
  • Chickpea salad
  • Kale salad
  • Pork and veggie dumplings
  • Raw carrot cake
  • Garlic cinnamon bread
  • Pineapple penises

Drinks ($7, add $1 to add alcohol)

Made and picked up at Alive Juice Bar

  • Fresh hacked coconut juice (add $1)
  • Kale smoothie
  • Green margarita
  • Summer berries
  • Tropical Bugs Bunny
  • Tropical Breakfast
  • Tropical Northwest
  • Old English malt liquor, 40 oz ($8)
  • Saint Ides malt liquor, 40 oz ($8)

soup_nazi_large

Description and Intro to “How to Cook Like a Racist” (upcoming cookbook)

Book Description

Want to know if you’ve been cooking like a racist?  Need tips on how to cook for an emotional eater?  Want to know how to serve dinner on a naked woman’s body?  Want to learn some of Alive Juice Bar’s recipes, including the one for its signature brown rice and beans and its black bean brownies?  Curious about how making kale chips is similar to giving a hand job?  Then this is the cookbook for you!  How to Cook Like a Racist doesn’t just feed you recipes, it explains what’s going on behind them, like how and why the infamous Juice Nazi came up with them so that you too can come up with your own.  You’ll also learn  how to consider the meaning of the food you cook and eat in the context of post-colonial identity politics.

Introduction

In the summer of 2016, Bon Appetit released a video of a White chef explaining a way to eat pho. Enough controversy ensued that Bon Appetit took down the video and apologized for its broadcast.

The controversy centered on the chef’s Whiteness and the politics of cultural appropriation. That is, the activists who demanded that this chef be boiled alive in his own broth insisted that it’s not ethical for a White chef to cook and talk about food from a non-White culture, in this case Vietnamese. Doing so, they argued, is an imperialist and Orientalist act, it’s stealing from and exoticizing another culture. It’s the same as a White person donning yellowface.

So the motive for the title of this cookbook isn’t to rouse or satirize or provoke, it’s to address a controversy that affects a lot of people. Don’t expect any jokes that include dunce hats, nooses, tape, and sombrero hats. The aim here is to think about what it means to cook and eat under the specter of post-colonial identity politics.

This cookbook is divided into five parts. Part one, Who are the racists?, questions prevailing assumptions about who racists are and are not. The eponymous first chapter reviews the controversies surrounding the Bon Appetit video mentioned above and the publication of the White authored Thug Kitchen vegan cookbooks, which has been accused of writing and cooking in blackface by using the black vernacular to narrate its recipes. (It’s not clear to me if swearing and acting like a “thug” while cooking is distinctly a Black activity, or if it’s simply a human activity after a few drinks).  This chapter also includes a scorecard to help you determine if you’re able to cook like a racist.  Chapter two, Harvard Hates Asians, takes a look at the 2018 discrimination lawsuit against Harvard University to reveal what Malcolm X saw in the motives of White liberals and asks who the most perilous racists are.  Part one ends with chapter three, which features Alive Juice Bar’s rice and beans recipe.  People of all races are free to appropriate it and all other recipes in this cookbook, you have the Juice Nazi’s blessing.

Part two, How to Cook for Emotional Eaters, is trying to get at the source of the obesity epidemic and considers how we can help emotional eaters eat and live better.  Chapter four asks Why Emotional Eating Happens and takes a hard look at American society and culture as the source of emotional dysfunction.  Chapter five, How to Stop Emotional Eating, offers solutions that turn the morals and manners, the sense and sensibilities of middle class America upside down.  More life hacks in chapter six, Why People Get Fat, this time on how to prepare oneself mentally for the tumult that triggers emotional dysfunction and eating.  Chapter seven uses porn star Ron Jeremy and anal sex to help explain why you shouldn’t think that carrot juice contains too much sugar.  It ends with a recipe for many people’s favorite comfort food — brownies! — except ours is made with black beans instead of flour and packed with nutrition instead of empty calories.  Tastes just as good too.

Part three, How to Cook for Hedonists, is a story about how fucking hard it is to own a juice bar because while everyone says they want to be healthy, most want to be hedonistic even more so.  Chapter nine, Doesn’t Everyone Want to be Healthy? brings home that point (the answer is no, no, no, even if everyone says yes).  Chapter ten, Food Isn’t the Enemy, It’s the Solution, warns against grouping food into healthy versus unhealthy categories and explains why doing so doesn’t make sense and can be dangerous (yes, you can overdose on kale).  Chapter 11 reviews Anthony Bourdain’s book, Medium Raw, because it’s about how great chefs stand firm with their vision and refuse to give into the customer’s basest desires.  You’ll know where the Juice Nazi gets his inspiration.  Chapter twelve, How to Prepare for a Potluck explains why potlucks are typically gross hedonistic revels instead of balanced feasts.  Chapter 13, How to Make Kids Eat Veggies and to Love Their Parents elucidates why getting kids to eat their veggies is as difficult as it is to teach them to love their parents.  Chapter 14 teaches you the Alive Juice Bar way to make smoothies.

In Part four, you learn How to Cook Like a MisogynistNyotaimori Dinner is the subject of chapter 15 and you’ll be taught how to prepare a woman’s body to be used as a serving dish at a dinner party.  The Politics of Eating Meat headlines chapter 16, and if you’re wondering what eating meat has to do with misogyny, I have no idea but “Meat is Misogyny” would make a great banner at a MeToo march and an even better book title.  How to Pick Out a Steak is the subject of Chapter 17 because most people do it wrong.  How to Cook a Steak is the title of Chapter 18 because most people cook it wrong.  Chapter 19 explains how to make oxtail soup.  Yum.

Part V, The Politics of Eating and Cooking, goes beyond identity politics to consider the merits and downsides of popular culinary trends such as the localvore movement and the modernist approach to cooking and eating.  It begins in chapter 20 with a review of Anthony Bourdain’s graphic novel, Get Jiro!, that summarizes how intolerant and myopic are these culinary trends.  Chapter 21, Punk Versus Classical Fine Dining, is a critique of a restaurant review that was used as an opportunity to bemoan the “punk” trend in dining.  Chapter 23 is a review of a documentary about legendary sushi chef Jiro Ono (memorialized in Get Jiro!) to show what it takes to achieve culinary mastery.  The next two chapters are recipes that reflect Alive Juice Bar’s philosophy of cooking — waste nothing.

Part VI  are More Recipes, including one that involves a hand job.  Enjoy!

Comments, including hate mail, are welcome.  Send them to foodyap@gmail.com.  Write in subject line, “Dear Racist.”

Part I – Who are the Racists?

Chapter 1 – How to Cook Like a Racist
Chapter 2 – Harvard Hates Asians
Chapter 3 – Rice and Beans

Part II – How to Cook for Emotional Eaters

Chapter 4 – Why Emotional Eating Happens
Chapter 5 – How to Stop Emotional Eating
Chapter 6 – Why People Get Fat
Chapter 7 – Glycemic Load versus Glycemic Index
Chapter 8 – Black Bean Brownies

Part III – How to Cook for Hedonists
Chapter 9 –   Doesn’t Everyone Want to be Healthy?
Chapter 10 – Food Isn’t the Enemy, It’s the Solution
Chapter 11 – Review of Anthony Bourdain’s Medium Raw
Chapter 12 – How to Prepare for a Potluck
Chapter 13 – How to Make Kids Eat Veggies and to Love Their Parents
Chapter 14 – How to Make a Smoothie

Part IV – How to Cook Like a Misogynist
Chapter 15 – Nyotaimori Dinner
Chapter 16 – The politics of eating meat
Chapter 17 – How to pick out a steak
Chapter 18 – How to cook a steak
Chapter 19 – Oxtail Soup Recipe

Part V – The Politics of Eating and Cooking
Chapter 20 – Review of Anthony Bourdain’s Get Jiro!
Chapter 21 – Punk versus classical fine dining
Chapter 22 – Review of Jiro Dreams of Sushi
Chapter 23 – Signature Salad Dressing Recipe
Chapter 24 – Avocado Salad

Part VI – More Recipes
Chapter 25 – Yam chip recipe
Chapter 26 – Kale chip recipe
Chapter 27 – Hainan chicken recipe
Chapter 28 – Gluten free quiche recipe
Chapter 29 – Raw carrot cake recipe

Introduction to “I’m Just Not That Kind of Girl: a sadistic basic bitch story” (upcoming book, April 10th release)

Available in paperback and Kindle.

 

 

Synopsis:

Roxanne G. is trying to get her boyfriend — Dummy Boy — to tattoo her name on his penis. He doesn’t want to do that. So Roxanne uses her womanly wiles to train Dummy Boy to do what he doesn’t want to do — go to a bookstore and hot yoga, eat sushi and dim sum, attend a symphony and bookreading…until he finally agrees to get the tattoo. She dumps him after he gets it, leaving him distraught and suicidal.  Read this misandristic story to find out if Dummy Boy survives to show his penis to another woman.

The original purpose of this satirical soft-core foodie porn novelette was to tell lewd jokes to make people laugh.  That’s it. No themes intended, just vulgar fun with a foodie bent that involves fictional Yelp reviews from an imagined basic bitch perspective.  Now that this book is done and I’ve read it a few times, themes emerge: the hypocrisy and cruelty of people; people as frauds; the lies we tell ourselves about ourselves; and the truths about ourselves we inadvertently reveal.  What other themes have I missed?    

I use the Yelp review format because I originally wrote most of this story on Yelp (and taken down by Yelp thrice).  Since Yelp doesn’t allow for fictional characters writing semi-fictional reviews on its site (and, okay okay, some of the reviews are mind-blowingly offensive to some people), I’m publishing it as a book, e and paperback.        

Why Yelp format?  Why not? I’ve seen “Elite” Yelp reviewers use Yelp pretty much as a diary.  “Last night my boyfriend and I went to Metro Grill and we had this and that and we liked this, didn’t like that…”  So what’s the value of using this format? I don’t know. I’ll let better literary critics assess the literary merits of this format, I’m just a pornographer.

Who is Roxanne G.?  She’s an experiment, she’s my alter ego. I created her to train myself to observe and feel from a different perspective.  Roxanne G. should have a voice dissimilar to mine — the voice you’re reading now — and I apologize if I fall out of character often enough to make your experience jarring.  Let me know what I can fix and I’ll see what I can do.  

Roxanne G. isn’t based on any specific person.  She’s just a Valley Girl, a basic Basic Bitch I imagined.  My imagination probably is informed by personal experience, but I don’t want to get into that right now.  I want the reader to focus on Roxanne G.’s story as her own story, to not get sidetracked by gender politics, at least not until after reading it. You decide how accurate the representations of, say, romantic relationships, BFF relationships between women, women and men in general…are in this book.  Send what you think to foodyap@gmail.com.  All sorts of comments welcome, including hate mail.  You must greet me with “Dear Misogynist” in the subject line. 

Like any weekly TV sitcom, each Yelp review can be read independently of the others.  But you won’t be able to follow the story arc if you do that for the first read, and you won’t get a feel for the build-up of tension.  Any way you read it, I hope you enjoy it!