Seven Years Old

Thanks to those who’ve supported us, you’ve had a positive role in not just the growth of the business, but also in a lot of people’s lives.  You’ve helped us bring in a demographic we’ve worked hard to attract — Thugs and Rednecks — that other juice bars ignore. You’ve worked with us to make the Alive Juice Bar experience more about conviviality than pomposity.  You’ve also helped us keep prices down so people of all economic backgrounds can afford the experience.

We’ve been in our new space for two years and are just about done with its build-out and interior design.  It’s designed to encourage conviviality and playfulness and to be an escape from ridiculous suburban middle-class manners that make people delusional. We’ll keep improving on it — adding details — and your feedback is encouraged.

At Alive Juice Bar, we demand you be rude.

We’ll continue to explore the links between culture, mental health, and diet.  Diet isn’t just a reflection of a person’s character, it’s an index of a culture’s health.  That’s why the obesity epidemic coincides with declining mental health in the US, which also began in the 1980s.

We started a quarterly cooking show and expect more episodes.  They’re meant to be silly and educational.  Let us know if there’s something you want us to show you how to make.

We also started a monthly Art Show that includes live music and art from local artists.  That should continue through the end of the year.  Stop by to enjoy their work.  The long hallway in the back has become an art gallery.

Miranda likes hanging out at Alive Juice Bar because here she can say “motherfucker” without getting kicked out.

Future Plans
We’ll likely turn the clothing store — which now features products from local designers and artisans — into an office, employee lounge, and juice bar storage because the juice bar needs more space.  Clothing store will either close or be moved to another location.  Contact us if you want to take over the clothing store and build its online presence.

We’re training an employee to take over the juice bar in three years. Current owner will move on to other projects.

One project we’re working on is Redneck Bistro, which will redefine what it means to be a Redneck and what is Redneck cuisine. Currently seeking a space for it — 1000 to 1500 sf — let us know if you know of such a space. Warehouse, instead of commercial retail, is preferred.

Alright motherfuckers, let’s do it, let’s do it!  Agape.

Check out our dance studio. Ask about classes or about renting it out for rehearsals or to teach your class.

We now sell turmeric, $10/lb.

Frequently Asked Questions XIII

Food and Service
We love your ordering system, especially not having to wait in line. So why don’t some people like it?  
Some people are so used to bad service that they freak out when they get good service.

When are you going to serve cricket cookies?
Cricket brownies instead, on sale now for limited time.

Why limited time? 
Too expensive.

Then why serve it at all?
To encourage customers to explore what’s possible to eat.

“BE RUDE, it’s more efficient” campaign.
What’s the point of the new campaign? 
It’s a critique of ridiculous American middle-class manners that are fucking things up.

What’s wrong with American middle-class people? 
This isn’t about middle-class people.  There are middle-class people who don’t practice middle-class culture. It’s middle-class culture that’s practiced by anyone, regardless of socio-economic class, that’s fucked up.

What’s fucked up about American middle-class culture?
This culture produces people who are fake, pompous, delusional, inefficient, hypersensitive, passive-aggressive, and batshit crazy.  Professor of English Paul Fussell puts it best:

The middles cleave to euphemisms not just because they’re an aid in avoiding facts.  They like them also because they assist their social yearnings toward pomposity.  This is possible because most euphemisms permit the speaker to multiply syllables and the middle class confuses sheer numerousness with weight and value.

American middle-class culture is like the pilot whose plane is sinking complaining about how the plane *ought to be* instead of describing *how it is* and fixing the problem.  It’s trying to create Disneyland in our everyday lives.

Can you give an example of how American middle-class culture is fucked up?
Light turns green.  Car in front doesn’t move.  Nobody honks to tell car in front to move because everyone thinks it’s rude to do so.  That results in environmental damage (car stays on road longer), lost productivity, and worse traffic.  Watch this PEMCO commercial:

Now that’s fucked up.  This polite bullshit needs to go, shit needs to get done.  Oh, and these people won’t slurp noodles because they think it’s rude.  That’s really fucked up.

Is this a Seattle thing?
Nah, it’s an American issue, as Paul Fussell has noted.  Seattle is the politest major city in the US, so the problem is a lot worse here than say, NYC, which is culturally more continental European than Anglo.

What do you suggest we do to stop being so polite and passive-aggressive?

*Use fewer euphemisms (be precise and accurate)
*Rely less on sarcasm (veiled hostility isn’t funny)
*Use fewer adverbs (they’re pretentious and distracting)
*Be less sentimental (don’t create drama)
* Use the word “motherfucker” at least once a day (will make your piss smell good)
* Never, ever use the phrase “pardon me.” (just say “sorry,” sheesh)
* Slurp your ramen (it’ll taste better)
* Lick your plate (have fun!)

What should I do when someone asks me “How are you?”
Tell the truth, don’t follow middle-class script.  Then you’ll see if person was sincere when asking the question or just acting like a middle-class zombie.

General
Is the porn novel finished?
Yes!

Can I read it?
Yes! Ask us and we’ll show you where to find it.

Is there another novel coming?
Yeah, we’re working on: “I Drank Vodka While Pregnant: Confessions of a Nice Girl.” And “Daddy Dearest,” a story about a guy who falls in love with his girlfriend’s father so he marries her to be with him and then murders her and her mom so he can have him all to himself.  Kinda like Nabokov’s Lolita.

And he thinks I’m batshit crazy?
Yep.

What’s up with the monthly Art Show?
Live music, funny drinks, live painting, tarot card readings, and artists showing their works.  Check Facebook for more info.

Diet
What diet should I follow to lose weight?
Salad for breakfast.  Drink it if you don’t have time, try the Supermodel: avocado, collards, kale, ginger, other greens and protein. That’ll help you regulate serotonin levels so you don’t get pissy later in the day.  Pissiness is what triggers emotional eating.

Notes on How to Write a Resume

We have our own free resume writing workshop for our employees (and customers).  Let us know if you want to attend.  Notes from workshop below.

Four Rules:

    1. Don’t be a fraud.  Never write what you think someone wants to hear.  Besides, you’re not good at figuring out what other people really want to hear. So be honest about your intentions.  Be authentic. But it’s hard to be authentic when we’re trained and encouraged to be frauds and fucktards.  To cut the bullshit, allow yourself to list only one goal (aka “Objective”), the most important one to you, on the resume. So turn this:
      .

      Objective: Hardworker seeking a position that will allow me to utilize my knowledge and great communication skills to help customers make better lifestyle choices so they live more productive lives.  

      Which sounds fucktarded, to this:

      Goal: To make enough money so I can move away from my parents.

      Not saying wanting to “help customers make better lifestyle choices so they live more productive lives” is a lie.  It’s not, *everyone* wants to do that. But it’s bullshit because in most cases, that’s not the primary motivator. Everyone wants to help other people as long as it’s convenient to do so.  Few will help people when it’s painful to do so.

      Writing this way will also help you stay focused and block out the noise of people telling you who you should be to fit in.
      .

    2. Don’t assess yourself (eg. I’m hardworking, I’m smart).  List your achievements instead.  It’s up to the reader to decide if you’re hardworking or smart. When you assess yourself, you’re showing your standards.  If you think you’re smart because you graduated from Sonoma State University, there’s someone who graduated from Princeton who thinks you have low standards.  So avoid using phrases such as:
      .
      * Hardworking and cheerful
      * Dedicated and smart
      * Great communication skills
      .
      Another way to put it: be humble.  Show, don’t tell. Let your actions do the talking.
      .
    3. Less is more, elegance in simplicity.  This principle applies to everything, from fashion to cooking to architecture to writing.  Use as few words as possible and opt for word with fewest syllables.  Examples:
      .
      “Goal” instead of “Objective”
      “Use” instead of “Utilize”
      .
    4. Avoid euphemisms.  Euphemisms are a waste of time and energy, be direct and honest.  English professor Paul Fussell, on fraudulent, pompous language:

The middles cleave to euphemisms not just because they’re an aid in avoiding facts.  They like them also because they assist their social yearnings towards pomposity.  This is possible because most euphemisms permit the speaker to multiply syllables, and the middle class confuses sheer numerousness with weight and value.

So “Secretary” instead of “Project Coordinator.”  “Dishwasher” instead of “Team Member,” “Stripper” instead of “Dancer.” “Shopkeeper” instead of “CEO.” Don’t be a fraud, frauds are unattractive except to other frauds, and they’re all batshit crazy.

Example resume and cover letter:

Boy Wants Job to Get Laid

How to Get Kids To Eat Their Veggies and To Love Their Parents

Let’s back up so we can get to the source of the problem.  How do you get someone to fall in love with you?  Pick:

a) Be really really nice to that person.
b) Hire a witch, cast a love spell.
c) Get that person to do things for you.

Option A doesn’t work, it gets you either ignored or used because nice is cheap, it’s ineffective, it’s too easy to pull off, there’s too much of it around.

Option B comes with a lot of side-effects and it can get weird when the spell hits the wrong target so better not.

Option C works, not because “relationship experts” say so, but because it’s the option that requires the most work.  Life isn’t supposed to be easy.

Why Kids Don’t Love Their Parents
People assume their kids love them because they think it’s a law of nature for kids to love their parents.  Not so, according to the Story of Oedipus, that motherfucker murdered his dad and then fucked his mom.  This story endures in public consciousness because it reminds us of the uncomfortable truths we’d prefer to not think about, or to only consider academically. Deep down, and in spite of incessant bromides about self-love as the solution, we know we’re no longer in the Garden of Eden and we’re unsure of what to do about it.

What makes the Story of Oedipus so unsettling and compelling is that while every character in the story knew what was supposed to go down, nobody knew what was happening.  That’s the most terrifying kind of horror. If it had just been a story about some kid throwing a shit fit for getting grounded and killing dad and raping mom in the process, we’d treat it as a sad and tragic spectacle and assume the kid became a sociopath because he was molested by his football coach and his mom was a drunk who called him a “stupid, useless, cunt” one too many times.

Instead, it’s a story about funked up shit happening to good people who try their best as parents.  Oedipus was born to good parents who had to make a difficult decision — abort their only child to save the kingdom and themselves. So they left him for dead in the middle of nowhere.  Oedipus, luckily (or unluckily), was found and saved by someone and then adopted by good parents — king and queen from another kingdom. And he tried to be a good son — when a prophet told him that he’d kill his dad and fuck his mom, he exiled himself, not realizing that he would soon unknowingly encounter his birth dad.

Only encounter with birth dad, they squabble and Oedipus beats the shit out of him, killing him. First prophesy fulfilled and nobody realizes it. Which invites us to ask unsettling questions about ourselves: would I love my parents/children if they weren’t my parents/children? Would I hate them and want to kill them, as Oedipus did? Would my kid love me if she didn’t need me to survive?

How many of us are Oedipus?  How many of us don’t want to kill dad and rape mom, but do so anyway, without realizing it?

How to Teach Kids to Love Their Parents

The Story of Oedipus reminds us that we live in a cruel and lonely world and nothing should be taken for granted. We can’t assume there’s an unbreakable and spiritual love-bond between a parent and a child.  And whatever bond there is is sociological and ephemeral, love requires a lot of work and perseverance.  Check out the confessions section of Scary Mommy if you don’t believe me.

If love is an action and not a feeling, then like most actions, it has to be taught and practiced, it doesn’t just happen. Teaching a kid to love a parent requires the same effort as making friends or getting someone to fall in love with you, it’s the same dynamic.  To make friends, you have to figure out a way to get that person to do something for you so they become emotionally invested in you. Benjamin Franklin, from his autobiography, on how to make friends:

He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.[

Make the person do something for you. Make them invest in you.  Below is an example of how Franklin turned an enemy into a friend:

Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book, and requesting he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days. He sent it immediately, and I return’d it in about a week with another note, expressing strongly my sense of the favour. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.

Take something away from someone if you want to make an enemy.  Give something away for free too often if you want to be used and disrepected. Have someone give you something if you want a friend.  Same dynamic when seeking romantic love,  according to random “romantic relationship expert”:

In fact, when people see you doing stuff for them for free, unsolicited, or uncompensated, their thought is never, “Wow, what a great guy! I should repay him in spades!” but rather, “Oh, that’s nice – it’s nice having nice people around like this who give me stuff. Thanks, nice person!”

Yeah yeah, I know your friend paid you back with food and drink when you helped her move.  That’s why you’re friends. You wouldn’t be friends anymore if she hadn’t reciprocated, right? Because it’d be disrespectful to not reciprocate.  Yet there are parents who keep giving and giving and giving to their kids while getting little or nothing in return; or the nice guy who keeps paying for dates and buying gifts but can’t get a commitment or even a make out session from his crush. Parents will then blame technology and culture for producing entitled, disrespectful and narcissistic kids; the nice guy will blame women for preferring assholes.  Both of which are lame excuses that prevents them from blaming the source of the problem: themselves.

Nice people are liked, but not respected, we learn from history and classical literature and political philosophy.  “Now that’s fucked up,” some of you are thinking, “I won’t play that game.” Fine, but don’t play martyr when disrespected because it’s a lot easier to play Santa than to empower someone to become who she wants to be.  Kobe Bryant, one of the most disliked AND respected NBA players of all-time on what he wished he had done with his money when he made his first millions early in his career:

You will come to understand that you were taking care of them because it made YOU feel good; it made YOU happy to see them smiling and without a care in the world…While you were feeling satisfied with yourself, you were slowly eating away at their own dreams and ambitions. You were adding material things to their lives, but subtracting the most precious gifts of all: independence and growth.

“While you were feeling satisfied with yourself,” because Kobe’s been there, he’s done that. He knows a handout is the quintessential narcissistic douche bag act that’s neither effective nor an act of love precisely because it’s the easy thing to do to gain short-term pleasure at the expense of another person’s dignity and long-term happiness.  Kobe on how he wished he had treated people when he earned his first millions:

When your [NBA] dream comes true…you need to figure out a way to invest in the future of your family and friends. “I said INVEST. I did not say GIVE.

Invest means not giving girlfriend the weekend getaway she wants until she passes a section of the CPA exam she’s been studying for; no blowjobs until husband sets personal sales record for the month; no squeeky toy for dog until she learns a new obstacle course; no catnip until the cat catches that mouse.  This is how people and animals learn to perform at high levels. And that’s why it’s so hard to do so, why it’s easier to give than to invest: investing requires self-denial, patience, respect, and the ability to enter another’s spirit. Giving merely fulfills immediate needs, it’s like giving heroin to someone who is in pain, or candy to a kid so he stops crying.  Kobe on the effectiveness of investing rather than giving:

As time goes on, you will see them grow independently and have their own ambitions and their own lives, and your relationship with all of them will be much better as a result.

So how do we *teach* a kid to love his parents?  To begin with, teach the kid to become *emotionally invested* in the parents.  And it starts early, by drilling habits. Meaning, parents don’t tie a kid’s shoes, kid ties parents’s shoes and shines them.  Parents don’t spend money to entertain kid, kid entertains parents by memorizing and reciting parents’s favorite poems and performing their favorite songs. Parents don’t pay for kid’s pedicure and massage session just because, kid massages her parents feet every day after school to earn that right once a quarter. Parents don’t cook and clean for kid, kid cooks and clean for parent and if the food sucks, send it back, have kid redo it because that’s how it is in the real world.  Parents don’t take kid out to dinner to celebrate first job; kid takes parents out to dinner when he gets his first paycheck to thank them for the opportunity to have a job and for driving him to and from. Parents don’t pay for kid’s grand tour after college graduation, kid saves and saves and saves to send parents on all-expense paid vacation to thank them. Parents don’t buy their kids their first house,  kid buys parent a vacation home before buying their first. That’s how to teach a kid to not send parent to a decrepit rat-infested nursing home when parent turns geriatric.  That’s how to teach a kid that love is an act, not a narcissistic and impressionistic feeling.

“But they won’t do any of the above,” some parents are thinking. Then reject them, just as you should reject an abusive spouse or a friend who stabs you in the back.  Because when a kid takes and takes and takes and never gives only asks for more, that’s abuse, they’re learning how to be abusive and they’re going to be abusers as adults. Why put up with it? Why feed it?  Only people who suffer from Battered Spouse Syndrome put up with that kind of shit.

helovesame

She knows, because she forgave him after she caught him fucking her sister.

batteredwifesyndromecycle

She gives all her money to her daughter. Her daughter routinely calls her a “cunt” and tells her to “shut the fuck up” when asked to do the dishes.

How to Get Kid Who Doesn’t Want to Eat Veggies to Eat Them

Answer is the same as how to get a kid to love parents.  Back to the question asked in the beginning:

How do you get someone to fall in love with you?  (Or, how do you get your kid to love you)? Correct answer in bold:

a) Be really really nice to that person.
b) Hire a witch, cast a love spell.
c) Get that person to do things for you

Which is easier said than done.  It takes a lot of work to get a kid to be emotionally invested in parents’s well being by teaching and training her to take care of her parents the moment she can walk on her own. If she doesn’t get in the habit of doing things for her parents early in her life, she won’t do it when parents are late in their lives. Amy Chua (aka Tiger Cunt to some) knows that so she trains her daughters — even at ages 20 and 23 — to be her bitches.  Here’s a contract she wrote and had them sign when she sensed her daughters were going to take advantage of her generosity:

WHEREAS Amy Chua and Jed Rubenfeld are the owners of Apt. [XXX] at [XXX], and their children are not;

WHEREAS Children owe their parents everything, even in the West, where many have conflicted feelings about this;

NOW THEREFORE

In exchange for Amy and Jed allowing them to stay in their NYC apartment from June 1, 2016 to August 1, 2016, Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld and Louisa Chua-Rubenfeld agree to the following irrevocable duties and conditions:

1. To occupy only the junior bedroom.

2. To greet Jed Rubenfeld & Amy Chua with spontaneous joy and gratitude whenever they visit.

3. To make their (joint) bed every day, and not to fight about who does it.

4. To never, ever use the phrase, “Relax—it’s not a big deal.”

5. To always leave all internal doors in the apartment wide open whenever Jed, Amy or any company whatsoever (including relatives) are in the apartment, with an immaculately made bed in full view and no clothing or other junk on the floor of the bedroom in sight.

6. Whenever any guests visit, to come out of the bedroom immediately in a respectable state, greet the guests with enthusiasm, and sit and converse with the guests in the living room for at least 15 minutes.

7. To always be kind to our trusty Samoyeds Coco and Pushkin, who Sophia and Louisa hereby agree have greater rights to the apartment than Sophia and Louisa do, and to walk them to the dog park at least once a day when they visit, within 30 minutes of being asked to do so by Amy.

8. To fill the refrigerator with fresh OJ from Fairway for Jed on days when he is in town.

9. To keep the pillows in the living room in the right place and PLUMPED and to clean the glass table with Windex whenever it is used.

ADDITIONALLY, Sophia and Louisa agree that the above duties and conditions will not be excused even in the event of illness, hangovers, migraines, work crises or mental breakdowns (whether their own or their friends’).

Sophia and Louisa agree that if they violate any one of these conditions, Amy and Jed will have the right to get the Superintendent or a doorman to restrain them from entering the apartment; and to change the locks.

All of which are reasonable requests since they’re getting free rent in one of the most expensive real estate markets in the world. Tiger Cunt on above contract:

The fact is, we’re never off the hook as parents. Even when your kids are in their 20s, it’s still a constant balancing act. Are we asking too much of them or too little? Are we being strong and holding them to a high standard, or just being too critical? Are we teaching them by example how to live a happy, meaningful, giving life?

More importantly, she’s teaching them how to reciprocate and to not take advantage of other people’s kindness.  She’s teaching them how to be gracious. She’s teaching them how to love. She doesn’t hope for reciprocity and respect, she demands it.

From UK Guardian:

Food researchers at Ohio State University and Cornell University in New York found that children are five times more likely to eat salad when they have grown it themselves.

Children who are *emotionally invested* in the food in front of them are more likely to eat it. They don’t necessarily have to grow it — they can prep or serve it, for instance — they just have to be involved in the work of making a meal happen to become emotionally invested.

kidgrow

Her smile isn’t fake, she wasn’t forced to smile.  She grows and eats her veggies.

Japan_Lunch_161358640906

Third graders in Japan serving food to classmates. Even though they’re not smiling, they’re still happy.  Or maybe they’re not happy about having to drink milk because they’re lactose intolerant, as are most Asians.  Either way, they’re going to eat their veggies.  Unless the Washington Post reporter is lying.  If he is, he’s a dickhead.

How to Get Kids Involved in Making Their Own Meals

But some kids don’t want to be involved in making their own meals. Which brings us back to the source of the problem: kids who’ve never been trained to love their parents (don’t misread that, read it carefully). That’s where it begins.  A lot of people think that pain-in-the-ass kids are the way they are because their parents haven’t loved them enough, haven’t done enough for them.  No, look around, look especially at the middle-class fuck ups, they’re the way they are not because they grew up poor or their parents have neglected them or they weren’t loved enough, but because they’ve never had to do anything for their parents.  They never had to earn their parents’s love.  They never learned to love.

A child who doesn’t know how to love another isn’t going to be able to learn how to love eating veggies.  Such a child is accustomed to receiving love (pleasure) from his parents without having to work for it.  So why would he want to work at improving his palate when he’s been trained to receive pleasure immediately and often, without pain and effort? Getting such a child to eat vegetables is the least of our worries. There’s going to be meth addiction.

Love isn’t the solution, it should be the end result.  By making love the solution, it becomes the problem. Children don’t need more love, they need to learn how to love. Only when they learn to love will they be ready to experience how good a succulent bite of sausage can be when preceded with a crisp bite of lightly sauteed zucchini; and appreciate the effort put into loving them from those who love them the most.

Kale Chip Hand-job Technique and Recipe

First episode of our cooking videos, How to Make Kale Chips.  Arlene shows you the proper way to prepare the kale chips for baking.

More videos to come, including “How to Make Black Bean Brownies,” “How to Slurp Noodles Like a Chinaman,” and “How to Make Your Kid Eat the Nasty Shit.”

Are You Batshit Crazy?

They say food regulates emotion and vice versa.  From Dartmouth College:

The past 80 years have seen immense progress in research, primarily short-term human trials and animal studies, showing how certain foods change brain structure, chemistry, and physiology thus affecting mood and performance. These studies suggest that foods directly influencing brain neurotransmitter systems have the greatest effects on mood, at least temporarily. In turn, mood can also influence our food choices and expectations on the effects of certain foods can influence our perception.

Which explains why Phreaky Phil Brenchley acts like a hairy cunt two hours after having her Americano and muffin for breakfast; why Marla gets so much shit done after starting her morning with a kale smoothie and an avocado salad.  Why Chelsea gorges on donuts when Francisco’s wee wee malfunctions from eating and drinking only pizza and beer for an entire week.
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Point is, the proper balance of nutrients is crucial to our emotional well-being.  Pick the wrong diet and you’ll become batshit crazy. We’ll discuss more about the link between diet and emotional health later.  First, let’s figure out what it means to be “batshit crazy.”
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Quiz time!  Pick:
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  1. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Trust fund kid slumming it with the hobos
    b. White trash who knows she’s White trash
    c. Middle class who thinks she’s high society.
    .
  2. Who will most likely become batshit crazy?
    a. Asian kid who gets bitch slapped for getting a “B” because “B” is for bitch.
    b. Black kid molested by his football coach
    c. Middle-class White kid who gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.
    .
  3. Who will most likely become batshit crazy?
    a. Kid living in Syrian war zone
    b. Middle-class White kid
    c. Bill Gates’s kids
    .
  4. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Psychology major
    b. Sociology major
    c. Math major
    .
  5. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a.Tiffany
    b.Olga
    c.Phuc-Dat
    .
  6. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Grocery store cashier, enjoys reading Cosmo
    b. Therapist, reads New York Times everyday
    c. Juice bar owner writing a porn novel
    .
  7. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Carmela, she’s a prostitute
    b. Jimmy, he’s a social justice activist
    c. Tyrone, he’s in jail
    .

From Steven Seibold, a former professional tennis player and a performance coach to professional athletes:

In 20 years of competing, coaching and working with performers from various fields, I’ve discovered most amateurs suffer from mild to severe delusion in relation to their efforts and competencies. In other words, most people delude themselves into thinking they are working harder then they are, and that they are more competent than they actually are. Of the five major levels of conscious awareness, (poverty, working, middle, upper, and world) my experience has been that performers at the middle-class levels of consciousness suffer the grandest delusions. The poverty level is barely surviving and living in a very harsh set of circumstances. The working class is punching a mental time clock and counting the days until retirement. They’re usually not expecting much, and no one around them expects much, either. They are typically not concerned about climbing any higher.

Being poor doesn’t make one batshit crazy. Not knowing one’s place, not having an accurate sense of reality about oneself and others is what makes one batshit crazy.  Siebold on why the middle-class is batshit crazy:

It’s the middle class that is most incongruent with reality. They are operating at a high enough level to understand that higher levels exist. Although they don’t expect to get there, the thought crosses their minds from time to time. Because of their low expectations, their actions are incongruent with their desires. In other words, they want to live the life of the world class, but are unwilling to pay the price. Since this reality is too harsh to bear, they delude themselves into thinking they are doing everything in their power to get ahead. Of course, they’re not. They’ll tell you they’re putting in far more time than they are. They’ll swear they are thinking about their vision all the time, but they’re not. The world class is brutally honest with themselves, and they tend to look reality in the face. They err on the side of over-practicing and over-preparing. Champions know that, to ascend to the top, you must first be operating from a mindset of objective reality. Self-deception and delusion have no place in the professional performer’s consciousness.

The lifeline of the middle-class delusions are its lame excuses for why they can’t get to the next level: the teacher is racist, the test is sexist, the boss is culturally biased, the game is rigged, but but but…   Siebold on the mismatch between middle-class mindset and their aspirations.

Amateur performers operate from delusion, pros operate from objective reality. The great ones’ habits, actions, and behaviors are totally congruent with the size and scope of their ultimate vision. That’s why we call them champions.

Keep in mind that being middle-class doesn’t make one batshit crazy.  It’s the pairing of middle-class mindset with championship aspirations that makes one batshit crazy. A middle-class person who is comfortable and satisfied with middle-class life isn’t batshit crazy.  Middle class guy with middle-class habits and middling results who is waiting to be discovered by Snoop Dog and win his Grammy is going to be batshit crazy.
.
Are you batshit crazy?  Take the test, part I!

  1. Do you believe in self-love?
    a) No, only those who are chronically unhappy and deeply troubled believe and need that shit.
    b) Yes, in this time of hate, we all need to love ourselves more so we can love others more.
    c) No, self-love is a moral flaw, like vanity and selfishness
    .
  2. How many of your close friends routinely preach “self-love” philosophy?
    a) 0
    b) 1-5
    c) 6 or more
    .
  3. Do you consciously practice self-love each day?
    a) Yes, of course!
    b) Nah, don’t have time for that, got better things to do.
    c) I jerk off every day, does that count?
    .
  4. Why are you so stupid?
    a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask enough questions.
    b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
    c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
    .
  5. Why are you so smart?
    a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
    b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
    c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.
    .
  6. How often do you screw up?
    a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
    b) Never.
    c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.
    .
  7. Why are you so lazy?
    a) I daydream a lot.
    b) I’m not lazy.
    c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.
    .
  8. Why are you so stupid?
    a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
    b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
    c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question for the third time.  This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.
    .
  9. What’s Plato’s Republic about?
    a) Why we’re all dumbasses
    b) The meaning of life
    c) How to be happy
    .

Take another one, Part II!
.

  1. What happens when school district gives middle-class high school students their own laptops?
    a) Playing field is leveled, they perform almost as well as those rich privileged kids at elite private school like Lakeside.
    b) They use it to watch movies and play games, no change in academic performance.
    c) They perform worse, laptops make people stupid.
    .
  2. Your 8 year old is new at school.  He gets shoved out of lunch line and is told to get to the back.  He responds by beating the shit out of the kid who bullied him.  What’s your response?
    a) Ground him and make him apologize to kid he beat up.
    b) Tell him he did the right thing and to never worry about lawsuits, you’ll take care of those if they come up.
    c) Have your kid apologize to the kid he beat up and have them talk it out.  End with hug.
    .
  3. Your daughter loves gymnastics and is about to enter her first meet.  She’s confident about winning and even thought about the perfect place to hang her blue ribbon.  While she did well, she didn’t medal, and was devastated.  What do you, as a parent, tell her?
    a) Tell her you thought she was the best
    b) Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.
    c) Tell her she doesn’t deserve to win because she didn’t work hard enough.
    .
  4. How do you get someone to love you? 
    a) Go out of your way to do things for that person.
    b) Get them to do something for you.
    c) Hire a witch and cast a spell.
    .
  5. How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
    a)100
    b)70
    c)40
    .
  6. How many hours a week does Eminem work?
    a) 100
    b)70
    c)40
    .
  7. How many hours a week does 50 Cent work?
    a) 100
    b) 70
    c) 40
    .
  8. What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
    a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
    b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
    c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers.
    .
  9. What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
    a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
    b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
    c)Recording himself banging his hot secretary.
    .
  10. What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
    a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince.
    b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
    c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.
    .
  11. What was 50 Cent doing on a random Saturday night, 2006?
    a) Getting fucked up his ass by his trainer, who resembles Justin Bieber
    b) Working out, writing songs and negotiating business contracts.
    c) Sucking your mom’s big black dick, what the fuck does this have to do with my mental health?
    .
  12. Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
    a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
    b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
    c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”
    .
  13. Who is most likely to describe oneself as “brilliant?”
    a. Bill Gates
    b. Psychology major in community college
    c. Justin Bieber
    .
  14. Who is most likely to describe himself as a “genius?”
    a. White kid majoring in  Social Justice at University of Washington
    b. Asian kid majoring in Computer Science at Harvard
    c. Mexican working in kitchen.
    .
  15. You move to another city and your child enrolls in another school. He was a B and C student at his previous school, he’s now a straight A student.  What do you do?
    a. Congratulate him for being so smart and working so hard.
    b. Tell him that the school must suck and put him in another school.
    c. Tell him teachers are previous school were idiots, this is much better school.
    .
  16. Your partner tells you you’re lazy.  How do you respond?
    a) Takes one to know one, asshole.
    b) Why am I lazy?
    c) You never see all the things I do for you.
    .

No answers yet.  We’ll provide them in Part II: Why You’re Batshit Crazy.  In the meantime, show your friends, see if they answer as you would.  Emotional states are contagious.

Frequently Asked Questions XII (Politics Edition)

Links to FAQ XI

Rumors
Is it true that an employee once pointed a loaded gun at a guy’s nut-sack?
Yes, but she was off hours and he wasn’t a customer.

Is that little girl the owner’s daughter or someone he hired from an orphanage?
She’s not his daughter.

How did Roxanne G. end up in jail?
Who told you she’s in jail?

Who is Phreaky Phil Brenchley?
He’s a dickhead.

Politics
Why did Trump win the White Trash vote?  
He didn’t.  White Trash *who know* they’re White Trash voted for Trump.  White Trash *who don’t know* they’re White Trash voted for Clinton.

How will the election affect the juice bar?
No significant impact.  Business will continue as always.

Why is that?
We don’t let external events affect us.  We instead adapt to new conditions.  That’s more effective than trying to control what we can’t control.

You’re not worried that produce prices and labor cost will go up when all illegal immigrants are deported?
Not going to happen. And if it does, we’ll adapt, as always.

So you’re ready for recently passed Initiative 1433, which raises state minimum wage to $13.50 by 2020?
Yep, we’ll adapt.

Will you increase prices?
Probably not until 2018.  We’ll first become more efficient.  For 2017, we’ll better enforce the $1 surcharge for not following ordering guidelines.  Will also add an “Asshole Charge,” $1. Again, no significant changes.

Do presidential elections matter?
Not as much as some think.  Tufts University political scientist and former legal council to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee Michael Glennon on presidential power:

The presidency itself is not a top-down institution, as many people in the public believe, headed by a president who gives orders and causes the bureaucracy to click its heels and salute. National security policy actually bubbles up from within the bureaucracy.

For Glennon, this explains why, six years into Obama’s presidency, the:

Obama version of national security looks almost indistinguishable from the one he inherited. Guantanamo Bay remains open. The NSA has, if anything, become more aggressive in monitoring Americans. Drone strikes have escalated.

When Obama tried to implement his foreign policy:

Obama and his team being shocked and angry to discover upon taking office that the military gave them only two options for the war in Afghanistan: The United States could add more troops, or the United States could add a lot more troops. Hemmed in, Obama added 30,000 more troops.

Under Obama, there have been US interventions in Libya, Syria, Yemen, Ukraine, and more. The only difference between Obama and Bush administrations has been that the former prefers interventions while the latter prefers invasions.

So you don’t think Trump can “drain the swamp”?
Don’t think he can or will. Last president who tried was assassinated. But it’ll be fun to see what Trump advisor Steve Bannon can do about the problem. Trump is just an “imperfect vessel.”

Is America in decline?
No.  It just feels like it is to some people, which has and will always be the case.  As David Brooks has noted, the new American elite — think Silicon Valley executives and immigrant research directors — are far more productive and prescient than the Old Money elite.  They’ll continue to produce jobs for nearly every segment of society, regardless of skill.  The US will continue to be unusually stable for a nation of its size and diversity.

Food
Which food item is overrated?
Orange juice. OJ lobby has convinced Americans that orange juice is the best, most convenient and cost-effective source of vitamin C.  It’s not, it’s full of sugar.  A couple bites of bell pepper gets you as much as vitamin C as does a calorie dense cup of orange juice.  Click here for alternatives to OJ

What’s underrated? 
Popcorn.  So much fiber, so few calories!  Eat this if you want to feel full and lose weight.

 

Why She Got Knocked Up

Posted from our sister blog — privilegedpoor.com — to remind everyone that we have a (neglected) clothing store, a project that’s related to the Juice Bar mission.  We’re working on updating inventory.  Check it out when you stop by the Juice Bar: Hours 7am-2pm; 6pm-9pm.

To better understand the clothing store — its purpose and mission — read offensive material below.

I.

In controversial 2012 New York Times op-ed How to Live Without Irony,  Princeton professor Christy Wampole calls Gen-Y hipsters fucktards for being irresponsible poseurs:

Manifesting a nostalgia for times he never lived himself, this contemporary urban harlequin appropriates outmoded fashions (the mustache, the tiny shorts), mechanisms (fixed-gear bicycles, portable record players) and hobbies (home brewing, playing trombone). He harvests awkwardness and self-consciousness. Before he makes any choice, he has proceeded through several stages of self-scrutiny. The hipster is a scholar of social forms, a student of cool. He studies relentlessly, foraging for what has yet to be found by the mainstream. He is a walking citation; his clothes refer to much more than themselves. He tries to negotiate the age-old problem of individuality, not with concepts, but with material things.

Is Wampole’s critique part of the tired cycle of one generation gratuitously belittling the next generation’s habits, attitudes, and sensibilities, or is there substance to Walpole’s observations? Let’s explore both possibilities and see where this takes us.

Wampole anticipates being called a hypocrite who is making a big deal about nothing.  So she confesses:

 I, too, exhibit ironic tendencies. For example, I find it difficult to give sincere gifts. Instead, I often give what in the past would have been accepted only at a White Elephant gift exchange: a kitschy painting from a thrift store, a coffee mug with flashy images of “Texas, the Lone Star State,” plastic Mexican wrestler figures. Good for a chuckle in the moment, but worth little in the long term. Something about the responsibility of choosing a personal, meaningful gift for a friend feels too intimate, too momentous. I somehow cannot bear the thought of a friend disliking a gift I’d chosen with sincerity. The simple act of noticing my self-defensive behavior has made me think deeply about how potentially toxic ironic posturing could be.

She tells us that she’s not perfect, that she too is guilty of insincerity — which in this context is ironically itself ironic posturing and self-defensive behavior — and uses an example that’s disingenuous at best. If “finding it difficult to give sincere gifts” is the best she can come up with, then I guarantee you she’s either hiding a dead body or there’s a lot of self-deception and repression going on here. People give insincere gifts to friends and family because deep down they don’t like and give a shit about them, yet are are obligated to pretend to like them.  There’s nothing ironic about shitty gifts, the giver is giving and communicating exactly what she intends to give and communicate. It’s the social context — spending the holidays with people you can’t stand — that’s drenched in irony, that allows the shitty gift to appear ironic so no one gets hurt.  It’s the denial of one’s true intentions — not ironic posturing — that’s toxic. 

This is a fashion blog, so here’s another way to look at it.  If you were surprised that that “nice White girl” from that nice conservative family with sterling reputation got knocked up by a cholo who wasn’t her boyfriend at the time of the tryst, and then tried to hide the pregnancy from everyone until she couldn’t, there’s something wrong with you too. “But she dresses so modestly, and seemed like the nicest girl in the world.” As if promiscuity and taste in men and impulse control have anything to do with hemlines and push-up bras and ridiculous middle-class manners.  “But I taught her Christian values and how to behave and to avoid the wrong crowd, I taught her to wait, at least until he’s accepted as a boyfriend,” mulls confused Mom. Sorry Mom, but protecting your daughter from the latest slut-wear trends doesn’t protect her from developing an addiction to flattery that got her knocked up by a trashy sweet talker you can’t stand. And remember, the apple doesn’t fall far from its tree, one of those apples will eventually be eaten by the person who planted that tree.

II.

Who below is most ironic?

a) Forty year old tow truck driver drinking Mountain Dew and smoking cigarettes while listening to Bach and Mozart.

b) Trust fund kid majoring in Russian Lit. at Oberlin College, dressed like a hobo, listening to Casiotone for the Painfully Alone (obscure band specializing in ironic remakes of pop songs)

c) Thirty year old county prosecutor dressed in Brooks Brother’s suit, listening to Outkast (hardcore gangster rap) on his way to work

d) Modestly and mainstream dressed (with frilly accents and excessive patterns) 27 year old office manager who listens to Aaliyah and Norah Jones, attends church every Sunday.

a. That’s an amusing sight and sound.  He’s worth a look.

b. That’s a tired look. Usual old money rich kid dealing with feelings of guilt, pride, and ennui by trying on different personas. Which is why editorials on why it’s a tired look are themselves tired.

c. Mildly interesting.  Nah, nothing to look at, who gives a shit.

d. Looks and sounds boring. And that’s precisely why it’s my pick.  There’s a lot more to this look than it seems. This is the person we should be worried and talking about. This person, not the hipster, is the archetype of our collective madness.

III.

Wampole says it’s wrong to appropriate styles one doesn’t understand. Which means she lives with a copy of her dissertation up her ass. Are we not allowed to listen to Bach if we don’t understand the purpose of counterpoint? Is it wrong for a woman to watch football to make herself more attractive to guys? Or for a guy to take ballet lessons for the babes? Attend opera to appear cultured and sophisticated, and not for the appreciation of opera?

Once read about a guy who took ballet lessons for the babes.  Ended up liking it so much he became more interested in ballet than the babes (which brought him more babes). Sincere appreciation often begins with exposure and disingenuous interest.

IV

People don’t repress horrible memories.  In fact, people are far more likely to make-up horrible memories (to elicit sympathy, to play victim).  People only repress that which threatens their identity. And rage against those who threaten their identity.

V

Ironic mode of living isn’t new. It’s 1950 and Gloria Vanderbilt is slumming it with James Dean bad boy types and eventually goes on to popularize working class blue jeans for people of all social backgrounds. The tension created by ironic gestures — in this case, a blue blood trying out working class life — drives change in fashion.  What’s new for Wampole is the scale of ironic living and the availability of ironic modes.  Wampole on Internet’s impact on lifestyle options:

Life in the Internet age has undoubtedly helped a certain ironic sensibility to flourish. An ethos can be disseminated quickly and widely through this medium.

Not sure what she means by “a certain ironic sensibility” (do certain sensibilities thrive better in Internet age?).  Let’s set that aside for now and compare pre-Internet to Internet. In 1980, the small-town White girl could only imitate the lives she reads about in Glamour and Cosmopolitan (ha, you really think she read Pride and Prejudice?), the shows she watches on three (only!) TV channels (lives too far from films). Her options were limited to whatever a few Jews were telling actors and models who were pretending to be White Anglo-Saxon Pricks to act and wear.  In her world, homosexuality doesn’t exist, the French are romantic, NYC is scary, and the Japanese are boring.

Take same girl, have her experience 2015. Now every girl has to have a gay friend to be cool, the French are rude, NYC is exciting, and the Japanese are the funniest people on earth. That’s what happens when you have access to youtube, 100s of tv channels, streaming movies from around the world, and a far more diverse cast of American writers and actors.

And so?  All I get out of this comparison is that both have access to quick fixes and one person has more options to choose from when developing her identity and sensibilities. Wampole, in contrast, argues that the Internet age has somehow made Gen-Y hipsters morally, intellectually, and aesthetically deficient and that we should all strive to “live without irony.” Here’s an example Wampole provides of how hipsters have lost the ability to be patient:

Furthermore, the nostalgia cycles have become so short that we even try to inject the present moment with sentimentality, for example, by using certain digital filters to “pre-wash” photos with an aura of historicity. Nostalgia needs time. One cannot accelerate meaningful remembrance.

If this is her example, if using technology to play make-believe is a show of poor character, then she’s a Luddite and certi-fucking-fiably an Ivory Tower princess who makes a living complaining about stupid shit.  She’s calling someone who is creating an effect impatient. Next she’ll ask us to stop taking photos and do family portraits 18th century style, strike a pose until the artist is done some 6 hours later.  And toss all recorded music.  That’ll teach the philistines to delay gratification.

Wampole again on the difference between pre-Internet and Internet:

While we have gained some skill sets (multitasking, technological savvy), other skills have suffered: the art of conversation, the art of looking at people, the art of being seen, the art of being present. Our conduct is no longer governed by subtlety, finesse, grace and attention, all qualities more esteemed in earlier decades. Inwardness and narcissism now hold sway.

As if people’s conduct has ever been “governed by subtlety, finesse, grace, and attention.” And “inwardness and narcissism” have ALWAYS held “sway,” it’s our total depravity: you can read about that in Plato, Homer, Confucius, Sun-Tzu, Kierkegaard, the Bible, the story of Echo and Narcissus, pick any Classic from any culture and you’ll learn that people are born as fucktards and to live authentically is to struggle with one’s narcissism — our Original Sin — that basic human condition.

VI

You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re embarrassed to like.

VII

Ironic living isn’t the problem.  It’s not even the “ethos of our age.” Repression is.

When Wampole writes about hipsters, she’s primarily writing about upper-middle class kids and young adults.  The ones who don’t have to shop second hand and know they’re not supposed to watch Jersey Shore or listen to Justin Bieber but do so anyway with a smirk.  She feels qualified to write about them because, as she tells it, she grew up as one of them and now teaches them at Princeton.

Hipsters explore and negotiate the contours and boundaries of identity. Which is what non-hipsters in their age group are doing too.  As defensive and irresponsible as hipsters may appear, at least they recognize the shallowness of their experiments, the vulgarity of their desires, and the dissonant features of their lives. Let them be, they’re young, they’ll sort it out when they have real responsibilities.  And when they do sort it out, all their attempts at cool may produce something of value, something classic, and they’ll live out their lives either as the privileged poor (no money), or as bourgeois bohemians (have money).  I’m more worried about those who live ironically without realizing they’re doing so.  They’re the ones living a dangerous lie, they’re the ones who project on their bookshelves and closets and social media so they can repress repress repress: from their anger and fear and confusion to the miserable truths about their lives they prefer to not confront and fix.

VIII

Middle-class White woman, that “girl next door” we talked about above, had everyone fooled.  Her parents were fooled, her friends were fooled, but her ovaries weren’t.  When a cholo sweet talked her into spreading her legs, her body was saying: “this is the one,” even as her mind told her that mom and dad are going to be pissed, and friends are going to be shocked.

Why would she sleep with a cholo? She’s not slumming, only upper class women have the power to do that.

Because her public persona and look is a facade. Scan her bookshelf and you see middlebrow literature (New York Times best sellers that she thinks of as respectable literature but are in fact ridiculous and overwrought tales of redemption); artsy Hollywood films and mainstream foreign ones. Boring and middlebrow, right?  Look more closely. Her online subscription to New York Times shows she only reads articles on Restaurants and Travel. The Walter Isaacson’s Steve Jobs biography has never been touched. There are a few sappy romances in her movie collection. Now go into her room.  There you find dogeared murder mysteries and trashy romance novels and travel books. Her clothes may be from middle-class stalwarts like Banana Republic, but she picks items that are frilly or have excessive patterns. As much as she wants to be upper-middle class, as hard as she tries to maintain her middle-class identity, her baseline desires, habits, and worldview are thoroughly lower-middle class.  She doesn’t study for the CPA on dreary wet days, she doesn’t even curl up with a book, she binge watches TV while eating an entire tray of brownies. She works for rewards and praise, not for a sense of achievement and virtue.  She’s addicted to compliments. She’s afraid of being seen at McDonald’s. She’s easily hurt. She wears large hoop earrings.  She lives ironically without realizing it.

She tried dating into the upper-middle class. They didn’t like her, they weren’t impressed with her job or her bullshit college degree or her contrived taste.  The cholo, on the other hand, was impressed with all her books and her college degree and liked that she had a few extra pounds and thought she dressed pretty. He was sincere when he told her how smart she is, how pretty she is. Her ovaries responded accordingly.  This was the best thing to happen to her.  She’s finally free from living a lie and can be herself to her parents and friends.

The difference between a hipster and mainstream-knocked-up-by-cholo-girl-next-door isn’t in their desires, but in their approach to desire. The hipster doesn’t hide his desire to listen to Justin Bieber or his preference for ranch dressing or his urge for a McRib.  He wrly announces his baser desires, which is why he eventually outgrows them. The mainstream girl repressed her desires, or at least hid them from the public, which made them grow stronger and more infantile.

Everyone thought her life was over when she announced she was knocked up by a cholo (who by definition, doesn’t live ironically). Actually, her life was finally beginning. If she’d married that software engineer she and her parents hoped she’d marry, she’d be in therapy.  Ironically, it’s the cholo, despite not being able to provide her the life she and her parents once expected, who saved her. He showed her how free and happy she could be by living sincerely and authentically, as has he.

Training Manual Part III: Employee Test

  1. Customer walks in (you don’t know his name).  How do you greet him?
    a) Hey!
    b) Hello sir, how are you this evening?
    c) Wussup, fuckface?
  2. The bus shows up 10 minutes late, making you 10 minutes late to work.  Whose fault is it that you’re late?
    a) Bus driver’s
    b) Traffic’s
    c) Yours
  3. Customer greets you with: “Hi, how are you?”  How do you respond?  
    a) I’m doing very well.  How are you?
    b) What do you want?
    c) I’m making rice and beans.  Want to try some?
  4. Your co-worker moved something to wrong place and you know it’s in the wrong place.  Manager asks why it’s in the wrong place.  How do you respond?
    a) She put it there, not me.
    b) I don’t know, no idea how it got there.
    c) I’ll move it.
  5. Owner teaches you to make something one way.  Manager teaches you to do it another way. You’re working with the manager, owner is watching.  Whose way do you follow?  
    a) Manager’s
    b) Owner’s
    c) Do your own thing, show them you’re a superstar!
  6. Jane walks in and orders two 32 oz jars of juice, which will take you 15 minutes to make.  Jared walks in immediately after she places her order and orders a small juice, which takes 2 minutes to make.  Sam enters immediately after Jared places his order and orders a smoothie, which takes 30 seconds to make, whom do you serve first?
    a) Jane
    b) Jared
    c) Sam
  7. Cassie’s daughter is throwing ice cubes at other customers.  What do you do?
    a) Tell them to “get the fuck out.”
    b) Politely ask Cassie to tell her daughter to stop
    c) Throw ice cubes at them.
  8. You’re the principal of the school.  You visit a class where students are either goofing off or sleeping.  What do you do?
    a) Tell everyone who doesn’t pay will get failing grade for the day.
    b) Don’t do anything.  Privately tell teacher that he sucks at teaching, that’s why nobody is listening.
    c) Explain to students why it’s important for them to pay attention to their teachers.
  9. You’re sampling drinks.  How do you say to get someone to try one?
    a) “Hi, would you like to try this?
    b) “Try this.”
    c) “Drink this or I’ll hit you.”
  10. You notice someone checking out your ass as you’re making drink.  What should you do?
    a) Continue as usual
    b) Tell him to stop because it’s making you uncomfortable.
    c) Wiggle it.
  11. Your car battery dies so you’re late for work.  Whose fault is it you’re late?
    a) Nobody, sometimes shit happens
    b) The battery’s.
    c) Yours
  12. Customer asks you what’s the most popular drink.  How do you respond?
    a) Tell him what you think is most popular.
    b) Ask him which flavors he prefers.
    c) Ask the manager to answer his question.
  13. As you’re focused on a complicated order, condescending customer tells you that you should smile more if you want a tip.  How do you respond?
    a) “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day.”
    b) Smile more.
    c) Ask her if she’d like a side order of “Fuck Off” to go with her order.
  14. Customer who doesn’t know what to order asks you what your favorite drink is.  How do you respond?
    a) Tell him your favorite drink
    b) Ask him which flavors he prefers
    c) Tell him you’ll tell him if he tips you $10.
  15. What matters most to MOST customers when buying something to eat?
    a) taste
    b) cost
    c) how healthy it is.
  16. What’s the appropriate way to talk to co-worker?
    a) Hey, would you mind getting me some beets when you get a chance?
    b) Get me some beets or you’re fired.
    c) Get beets now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Frequently Asked Questions Part XI

Links to FAQ X

General

Who is Gary Johnson?
Libertarian candidate for president, polling it at around 10 percent. Check him out if you want another option. Link

Wouldn’t supporting him be a wasted vote?  
If his support reaches 15 percent, he’ll be invited to the National Debates.  He’ll win the election if he wins the debates.

Why hasn’t there been a second Alive Juice Bar Hate Mail Contest?
We want to host a second one but craigslist no longer allows for html links on their ad pages. Those links are crucial to the marketing success of the contest.  Link to first contest

What’s the point of the Hate Mail Contest? 
Marketing tool to attract relevant customers.

How many submissions did you get? 
A dozen or so.  Customers voted for finalists.  Employees selected winner.

Food

What’s in the Redneck Meal?
Today it’s redneck pulled pork w/brown rice and beans, kale, onion, and sweet peppers.

That doesn’t sound very rednecky, does it?
So what do Black people eat then?

Do you put monkey jizz in your drinks?
No, that’s a rumor started by pedophile Phil.  In any case, we don’t know where to get any.

Are you really going to serve crickets?
Yes, we’ll start with cricket cookies.  Next culinary frontier will be insects as protein.  Much more environmentally friendly than beef.

I hear there’s going to be a kid’s menu.  What’s up with that?
We’re working with an 11 year old on it.  She wants a G version of the menu so we obliged. It’s a way to make Alive Juice Bar more family friendly without sacrificing its edginess.

Any items on Kid’s menu not found on Adult version?
Maybe, we’ll see.  For now, we’re working on drink names that are meaningful to pre-teens.

Is it true Alive Juice Bar robust salads, chips, brownies, and chicken meals are sold at Wired Chicks Espresso?  
Yes, they’re located on Bothell-Everett Highway, next to Lake Forest Park Town Center.  Look for the Chevron station.

Customers

J Crispy says that he tried to pay off his tab but you wouldn’t let him.  What’s up with that?
He did, a year after we named a drink after him.  But owner already paid off his tab.  Meaning, we purchased the rights to use his name.

Wait, J Crispy is a real person?
Yes.  Check him out here: J Crispy

Does he really still come in?
Yes.  We give him good service too.  He’s a good kid, we like him.  He’s grown up a lot.

So why is a drink still named after him? 
Because customers enjoy saying “J Crispy Dickhead.”  It’s the best way to get customers to try a cactus smoothie.

Other
Is the porn novel about woman trying to get guy to tattoo her name on his penis and then dumping him done yet?  

No. Didn’t like first draft — too pretentious, too serious, tried too hard to be deep — so started over.  It’s more lighthearted and silly now.  New voice.  In middle stages.

Can I read it?
Yes, and comments welcome.

Where’s the link?
Ask in person.

Who is Roxanne G?
She used to handle customer relations.  Now she’s undercover. Great gal, tell her that if you see her.