Frequently Asked Questions XVIII


Was Anthony Bourdain murdered?
Don’t know.

Why would anyone want to kill him?
He’s pissed off a lot of people.

Did he commit suicide after finding out that his girlfriend cheated on him? 
She says they had an open relationship.  Not sure he thought the same.

Did Bourdain influence you?
Yes.  Especially his second book, “Medium Raw: A Bloody Valentine to the World of food.”  Used it as a guide to running a restaurant. It showed me how to treat customers and employees.

Do you deliver?
DoorDash delivers for us.

Is there a fee?
Yes, we charge 10 percent on every order and DoorDash charges another fee that we have no control over.

Why is there a mannequin in the bathroom?  
To stare at your penis if you have one.

Why doesn’t the owner respond when I greet him with “Hi, how are you”?
He doesn’t respond to insincere questions or questions that mean something other than what’s asked.

Why does he have to be such a dick.  I’m just trying to be polite and friendly. 
Insincerity and fraudulent living begins with seemingly harmless fraudulent exchanges that pressure people to believe that they have to be happy all the time in order to be normal.

What should I say instead?
“Hello” or “Good Morning” are a few examples. Less is more, less is more…

How about, “Hey, Asshole?”
That works.  As long as it’s sincere.

Dance Studio
There are boxing lessons?
Yes, ask owner and he’ll connect you with instructor.

Why should I take boxing lessons?
Improve mental toughness and your sense of rhythm.

Do I have to be buff or in great shape to take it?
No.  You won’t get hurt, promise. It’ll be fitness heavy if you’re not in good shape.  You won’t get to hit anything or get hit until you’re ready.

Clothing Store
What’s going on with clothing store?
It’s being converted into a book-centric thrift store.  So there’ll still be clothes and maybe other knick knacks.

Cool, what sort of books?
Books that respectable middle-class people are afraid to keep in their homes (so they sneak read elsewhere).  From Milo Yiannapolous to Anais Nin to Georges Bataille to a Traci Lords biography (we have it).

Can I sell books?
Yes, we’ll take most books in exchange for $1 juice bar credit per book.  Certain books we’ll pay more for.

What type of books?
Any genre, we won’t judge.  How we categorize the books will surprise you.



Eight Years Old

We’re eight years old!  Thanks to those who’ve helped us make it this far. We’re grateful for your humor and patience. We’re often not easy to deal with!

View More:

(Left to Right): Moe, Sally, and Muffin say “Thanks for putting up with us.  Especially when Muffin unexpectedly lands in your salad.”

Future Plans
We’ll continue to spread Redneck values that built this nation while lampooning the ridiculous and insipid middle-class manners and sensibilities that are making people fat and/or crazy.

We’ve successfully brought in the “Thug & Redneck” demographic.  Now we’re going after Generation Z customers, who are already, and more than any recent generation, questioning the sanity of the middle-class mindset.  Let them know that students get $1 off drinks. (Those smart enough to drop out of school get $500 gift card).

Juice Bar Location
We’ll likely move the juice bar to another location once the lease is up in 2020.  (24 Fitness will move to another location by then).  Possibilities:

  • Mountlake Terrace Town Center (Diamond Knot and Double D Meats)
  • Downtown Snohomish
  • Anacortes

We’d convert into a hybrid restaurant that’s a juice bar for breakfast and lunch and a (redneck) bistro in the evening.  We may even add a produce and specialty goods section, something similar to the defunct Mana Mills.

Dance Studio
If we move, we’re not taking the dance studio with us.  Unless we end up in Mountlake Terrace town center, then maybe we open another one.

Clothing store.
It’s on the verge of closing and being converted into another workout room to host Body Posing and Boxing classes that’s held in our dance studio. Final decision soon.

Prepared Meals
We’re trying to grow the prepared meals part of the business. We can hit the price point most customers expect, we just need help with account management and sales. Let us know if you’re interested in helping us grow this into a spin-off business.

Our prepared meals contain 5-6 oz of protein, 6 oz. of fiber dense starch, 12 oz. of veggies. Correct portions for most people.

There’s still a lot of work to do.  Let do it!  Agape.

Moe and Sally say “Hi!”


How to Get Kids To Eat Their Veggies and To Love Their Parents

Let’s back up so we can get to the source of the problem.  How do you get someone to fall in love with you?  Pick:

a) Be really really nice to that person.
b) Hire a witch, cast a love spell.
c) Get that person to do things for you.

Option A doesn’t work, it gets you either ignored or used because nice is cheap, it’s ineffective, it’s too easy to pull off, there’s too much of it around.

Option B comes with a lot of side-effects and it can get weird when the spell hits the wrong target so better not.

Option C works, not because “relationship experts” say so, but because it’s the option that requires the most work.  Life isn’t supposed to be easy.

Why Kids Don’t Love Their Parents
People assume their kids love them because they think it’s a law of nature for kids to love their parents.  Not so, according to the Story of Oedipus, that motherfucker murdered his dad and then fucked his mom.  This story endures in public consciousness because it reminds us of the uncomfortable truths we’d prefer to not think about, or to only consider academically. Deep down, and in spite of incessant bromides about self-love as the solution, we know we’re no longer in the Garden of Eden and we’re unsure of what to do about it.

What makes the Story of Oedipus so unsettling and compelling is that while every character in the story knew what was supposed to go down, nobody knew what was happening.  That’s the most terrifying kind of horror. If it had just been a story about some kid throwing a shit fit for getting grounded and killing dad and raping mom in the process, we’d treat it as a sad and tragic spectacle and assume the kid became a sociopath because he was molested by his football coach and his mom was a drunk who called him a “stupid, useless, cunt” one too many times.

Instead, it’s a story about funked up shit happening to good people who try their best as parents.  Oedipus was born to good parents who had to make a difficult decision — abort their only child to save the kingdom and themselves. So they left him for dead in the middle of nowhere.  Oedipus, luckily (or unluckily), was found and saved by someone and then adopted by good parents — king and queen from another kingdom. And he tried to be a good son — when a prophet told him that he’d kill his dad and fuck his mom, he exiled himself, not realizing that he would soon unknowingly encounter his birth dad.

Only encounter with birth dad, they squabble and Oedipus beats the shit out of him, killing him. First prophesy fulfilled and nobody realizes it. Which invites us to ask unsettling questions about ourselves: would I love my parents/children if they weren’t my parents/children? Would I hate them and want to kill them, as Oedipus did? Would my kid love me if she didn’t need me to survive?

How many of us are Oedipus?  How many of us don’t want to kill dad and rape mom, but do so anyway, without realizing it?

How to Teach Kids to Love Their Parents

The Story of Oedipus reminds us that we live in a cruel and lonely world and nothing should be taken for granted. We can’t assume there’s an unbreakable and spiritual love-bond between a parent and a child.  And whatever bond there is is sociological and ephemeral, love requires a lot of work and perseverance.  Check out the confessions section of Scary Mommy if you don’t believe me.

If love is an action and not a feeling, then like most actions, it has to be taught and practiced, it doesn’t just happen. Teaching a kid to love a parent requires the same effort as making friends or getting someone to fall in love with you, it’s the same dynamic.  To make friends, you have to figure out a way to get that person to do something for you so they become emotionally invested in you. Benjamin Franklin, from his autobiography, on how to make friends:

He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.[

Make the person do something for you. Make them invest in you.  Below is an example of how Franklin turned an enemy into a friend:

Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book, and requesting he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days. He sent it immediately, and I return’d it in about a week with another note, expressing strongly my sense of the favour. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.

Take something away from someone if you want to make an enemy.  Give something away for free too often if you want to be used and disrepected. Have someone give you something if you want a friend.  Same dynamic when seeking romantic love,  according to random “romantic relationship expert”:

In fact, when people see you doing stuff for them for free, unsolicited, or uncompensated, their thought is never, “Wow, what a great guy! I should repay him in spades!” but rather, “Oh, that’s nice – it’s nice having nice people around like this who give me stuff. Thanks, nice person!”

Yeah yeah, I know your friend paid you back with food and drink when you helped her move.  That’s why you’re friends. You wouldn’t be friends anymore if she hadn’t reciprocated, right? Because it’d be disrespectful to not reciprocate.  Yet there are parents who keep giving and giving and giving to their kids while getting little or nothing in return; or the nice guy who keeps paying for dates and buying gifts but can’t get a commitment or even a make out session from his crush. Parents will then blame technology and culture for producing entitled, disrespectful and narcissistic kids; the nice guy will blame women for preferring assholes.  Both of which are lame excuses that prevents them from blaming the source of the problem: themselves.

Nice people are liked, but not respected, we learn from history and classical literature and political philosophy.  “Now that’s fucked up,” some of you are thinking, “I won’t play that game.” Fine, but don’t play martyr when disrespected because it’s a lot easier to play Santa than to empower someone to become who she wants to be.  Kobe Bryant, one of the most disliked AND respected NBA players of all-time on what he wished he had done with his money when he made his first millions early in his career:

You will come to understand that you were taking care of them because it made YOU feel good; it made YOU happy to see them smiling and without a care in the world…While you were feeling satisfied with yourself, you were slowly eating away at their own dreams and ambitions. You were adding material things to their lives, but subtracting the most precious gifts of all: independence and growth.

“While you were feeling satisfied with yourself,” because Kobe’s been there, he’s done that. He knows a handout is the quintessential narcissistic douche bag act that’s neither effective nor an act of love precisely because it’s the easy thing to do to gain short-term pleasure at the expense of another person’s dignity and long-term happiness.  Kobe on how he wished he had treated people when he earned his first millions:

When your [NBA] dream comes true…you need to figure out a way to invest in the future of your family and friends. “I said INVEST. I did not say GIVE.

Invest means not giving girlfriend the weekend getaway she wants until she passes a section of the CPA exam she’s been studying for; no blowjobs until husband sets personal sales record for the month; no squeeky toy for dog until she learns a new obstacle course; no catnip until the cat catches that mouse.  This is how people and animals learn to perform at high levels. And that’s why it’s so hard to do so, why it’s easier to give than to invest: investing requires self-denial, patience, respect, and the ability to enter another’s spirit. Giving merely fulfills immediate needs, it’s like giving heroin to someone who is in pain, or candy to a kid so he stops crying.  Kobe on the effectiveness of investing rather than giving:

As time goes on, you will see them grow independently and have their own ambitions and their own lives, and your relationship with all of them will be much better as a result.

So how do we *teach* a kid to love his parents?  To begin with, teach the kid to become *emotionally invested* in the parents.  And it starts early, by drilling habits. Meaning, parents don’t tie a kid’s shoes, kid ties parents’s shoes and shines them.  Parents don’t spend money to entertain kid, kid entertains parents by memorizing and reciting parents’s favorite poems and performing their favorite songs. Parents don’t pay for kid’s pedicure and massage session just because, kid massages her parents feet every day after school to earn that right once a quarter. Parents don’t cook and clean for kid, kid cooks and clean for parent and if the food sucks, send it back, have kid redo it because that’s how it is in the real world.  Parents don’t take kid out to dinner to celebrate first job; kid takes parents out to dinner when he gets his first paycheck to thank them for the opportunity to have a job and for driving him to and from. Parents don’t pay for kid’s grand tour after college graduation, kid saves and saves and saves to send parents on all-expense paid vacation to thank them. Parents don’t buy their kids their first house,  kid buys parent a vacation home before buying their first. That’s how to teach a kid to not send parent to a decrepit rat-infested nursing home when parent turns geriatric.  That’s how to teach a kid that love is an act, not a narcissistic and impressionistic feeling.

“But they won’t do any of the above,” some parents are thinking. Then reject them, just as you should reject an abusive spouse or a friend who stabs you in the back.  Because when a kid takes and takes and takes and never gives only asks for more, that’s abuse, they’re learning how to be abusive and they’re going to be abusers as adults. Why put up with it? Why feed it?  Only people who suffer from Battered Spouse Syndrome put up with that kind of shit.


She knows, because she forgave him after she caught him fucking her sister.


She gives all her money to her daughter. Her daughter routinely calls her a “cunt” and tells her to “shut the fuck up” when asked to do the dishes.

How to Get Kid Who Doesn’t Want to Eat Veggies to Eat Them

Answer is the same as how to get a kid to love parents.  Back to the question asked in the beginning:

How do you get someone to fall in love with you?  (Or, how do you get your kid to love you)? Correct answer in bold:

a) Be really really nice to that person.
b) Hire a witch, cast a love spell.
c) Get that person to do things for you

Which is easier said than done.  It takes a lot of work to get a kid to be emotionally invested in parents’s well being by teaching and training her to take care of her parents the moment she can walk on her own. If she doesn’t get in the habit of doing things for her parents early in her life, she won’t do it when parents are late in their lives. Amy Chua (aka Tiger Cunt to some) knows that so she trains her daughters — even at ages 20 and 23 — to be her bitches.  Here’s a contract she wrote and had them sign when she sensed her daughters were going to take advantage of her generosity:

WHEREAS Amy Chua and Jed Rubenfeld are the owners of Apt. [XXX] at [XXX], and their children are not;

WHEREAS Children owe their parents everything, even in the West, where many have conflicted feelings about this;


In exchange for Amy and Jed allowing them to stay in their NYC apartment from June 1, 2016 to August 1, 2016, Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld and Louisa Chua-Rubenfeld agree to the following irrevocable duties and conditions:

1. To occupy only the junior bedroom.

2. To greet Jed Rubenfeld & Amy Chua with spontaneous joy and gratitude whenever they visit.

3. To make their (joint) bed every day, and not to fight about who does it.

4. To never, ever use the phrase, “Relax—it’s not a big deal.”

5. To always leave all internal doors in the apartment wide open whenever Jed, Amy or any company whatsoever (including relatives) are in the apartment, with an immaculately made bed in full view and no clothing or other junk on the floor of the bedroom in sight.

6. Whenever any guests visit, to come out of the bedroom immediately in a respectable state, greet the guests with enthusiasm, and sit and converse with the guests in the living room for at least 15 minutes.

7. To always be kind to our trusty Samoyeds Coco and Pushkin, who Sophia and Louisa hereby agree have greater rights to the apartment than Sophia and Louisa do, and to walk them to the dog park at least once a day when they visit, within 30 minutes of being asked to do so by Amy.

8. To fill the refrigerator with fresh OJ from Fairway for Jed on days when he is in town.

9. To keep the pillows in the living room in the right place and PLUMPED and to clean the glass table with Windex whenever it is used.

ADDITIONALLY, Sophia and Louisa agree that the above duties and conditions will not be excused even in the event of illness, hangovers, migraines, work crises or mental breakdowns (whether their own or their friends’).

Sophia and Louisa agree that if they violate any one of these conditions, Amy and Jed will have the right to get the Superintendent or a doorman to restrain them from entering the apartment; and to change the locks.

All of which are reasonable requests since they’re getting free rent in one of the most expensive real estate markets in the world. Tiger Cunt on above contract:

The fact is, we’re never off the hook as parents. Even when your kids are in their 20s, it’s still a constant balancing act. Are we asking too much of them or too little? Are we being strong and holding them to a high standard, or just being too critical? Are we teaching them by example how to live a happy, meaningful, giving life?

More importantly, she’s teaching them how to reciprocate and to not take advantage of other people’s kindness.  She’s teaching them how to be gracious. She’s teaching them how to love. She doesn’t hope for reciprocity and respect, she demands it.

From UK Guardian:

Food researchers at Ohio State University and Cornell University in New York found that children are five times more likely to eat salad when they have grown it themselves.

Children who are *emotionally invested* in the food in front of them are more likely to eat it. They don’t necessarily have to grow it — they can prep or serve it, for instance — they just have to be involved in the work of making a meal happen to become emotionally invested.


Her smile isn’t fake, she wasn’t forced to smile.  She grows and eats her veggies.


Third graders in Japan serving food to classmates. Even though they’re not smiling, they’re still happy.  Or maybe they’re not happy about having to drink milk because they’re lactose intolerant, as are most Asians.  Either way, they’re going to eat their veggies.  Unless the Washington Post reporter is lying.  If he is, he’s a dickhead.

How to Get Kids Involved in Making Their Own Meals

But some kids don’t want to be involved in making their own meals. Which brings us back to the source of the problem: kids who’ve never been trained to love their parents (don’t misread that, read it carefully). That’s where it begins.  A lot of people think that pain-in-the-ass kids are the way they are because their parents haven’t loved them enough, haven’t done enough for them.  No, look around, look especially at the middle-class fuck ups, they’re the way they are not because they grew up poor or their parents have neglected them or they weren’t loved enough, but because they’ve never had to do anything for their parents.  They never had to earn their parents’s love.  They never learned to love.

A child who doesn’t know how to love another isn’t going to be able to learn how to love eating veggies.  Such a child is accustomed to receiving love (pleasure) from his parents without having to work for it.  So why would he want to work at improving his palate when he’s been trained to receive pleasure immediately and often, without pain and effort? Getting such a child to eat vegetables is the least of our worries. There’s going to be meth addiction.

Love isn’t the solution, it should be the end result.  By making love the solution, it becomes the problem. Children don’t need more love, they need to learn how to love. Only when they learn to love will they be ready to experience how good a succulent bite of sausage can be when preceded with a crisp bite of lightly sauteed zucchini; and appreciate the effort put into loving them from those who love them the most.

Frequently Asked Questions XVII


Is it true the owner tried to stab a customer to death with a carrot?  
Who told you that?

How do people react when they’re charged the $5 Idiot Tax?
Fucking pissed.  

How are you still in business?
on’t know.

Why would the owner defend McDonald’s?  link here  
So people take responsibility for their problems instead of blaming convenient scapegoats.

Where did Roxanne G. learn to troll?
She participated in rap battles starting in middle-school.

Who are the greatest trollers of all time?
Socrates is the grand-daddy of Western trollers, known for his epic comebacks. Nietzsche is my favorite, he was Eminem before Eminem. Eminem is another great one.  Jesus Christ is up there, the way he dissed the Pharisees is legendary.  Schopenhauer wrote a great manual (The Art of Controversy).  Milo Yiannapolous is entertaining but hasn’t reached level of the great ones.


Called Hegel a “flat-headed, insipid, nauseating, illiterate charlatan.”


You offer gift cards? 

Are you going to sell more cacao? 
Yes, and we’re going to offer more affordable version.  Won’t have the fancy packaging but it’ll cost less.

Where can I get turmeric that’s affordable? 
We sell it for $10/lb. Or go to JD’s Market on 44th and 200th, Lynnwood.  That’s where we get it.

What’ so great about turmeric? 
Reduces inflammation as well as leading anti-inflammation drugs without the side effects.

Do you offer gluten-free gravy?
Yes, it’s a special order.  We make it with cauliflower.   If there’s something you want that’s not on our menu, ask. You’ll be surprised with what we can make.

Health and Obesity

Why does owner think verbal compliments are the gateway to obesity and heroin addiction? 
Vacant gratuitous compliments are like empty calories: they provide short-term pleasure but long-term pain. When the addicted experience withdrawal symptoms, they’ll use food to make up for insufficient verbal compliments.  When food isn’t enough, they use heroin and other drugs.

Some think it’s polite to give vacant gratuitous compliments.  It’s not, it’s similar to those who say they’re packing love when they pack a school lunch full of empty calories for their kids.  Or giving candy to a kid to shut him up.  These addictions didn’t start with food and pharmaceutical companies, they started at the earliest stages of life.


Dude giving candy to kids — polite nice guy or creeper?


Does NPR provide balanced news?
As far as American mainstream media goes, it offers the most balanced reporting.  

Does it lean left or right?
NPR promotes conservative personal values and, paradoxically, left-leaning social politics.

What do you mean? 
Typical NPR listener is upper-middle class and they love it when NPR features variations of Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hours rule and Carol Dweck’s grit and resilience philosophy.  Put simply, they value for themselves *hard-work over talent,* never allow themselves and their children to make excuses, and put in 60-80 hour work weeks.  Yet they allow those less fortunate to make excuses (and often make excuses for them) and to think that talent trumps effort, and support policies that infantalize them.

Why do they expect less from the less fortunate?
Modern day noblesse oblige.  Nothing generous or noble about it.











Answers to “Seeking Darth(ette) Vader to Join the Dark Side” application questions.

Note: some questions have multiple correct answers.

We’ll keep this up for a few days.  Thanks to those who applied.


The Jedi code is stupid.  The Dark Side is the right side.  We will teach you the ways of the Dark Side. The Sith code:

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.

Job Description: Enforce our will on all who oppose us.  Keep proto-fascists out of Death Star.  Do whatever it takes to grow and defend the Empire.

Job Perks: free juice, some free food. Free use of dance studio when it’s not being used.

Below are our application questions. Your answers will show us if you’re ready to join the Dark Side and what you need to learn to harness the Dark Force.  Boldface your answers, like this:

Which color ball do you prefer?
a) This one
b) That one
c) This is a stupid question.

Send with resume to


Whom does Chewbacca want to bang?
a) Princess Leia
b) C3PO
c) Darth Vader

Who has the biggest penis?
a) Yoda
b) Darth Vader
c) Chewbaccca

Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”

Pick best Golden Rule:
a) Treat others as you want to be treated
b) Treat others as they treat you
c) Trick or treat!

Customer walks in (you don’t know his name). How do you greet him?
a) Hey!
b) Hello sir, how are you this evening?
c) Wussup, fuckface?

The bus shows up 10 minutes late, making you 10 minutes late to work. Whose fault is it that you’re late?
a) Bus driver’s
b) Traffic’s
c) My fault

Customer greets you with: “Hi, how are you?” How do you respond? 
a) I’m doing very well. How are you?
b) What do you want?
c) I’m making rice and beans. Try some!

Your co-worker moved something to wrong place and you know it’s in the wrong place. Manager asks why it’s in the wrong place. How do you respond?
a) She put it there, not me.
b) I don’t know, no idea how it got there.
c) I’ll move it.

a) Love, Respect, Love
b) Fear, Respect, Love
c) Love, Goose, Love

Do you believe in self-love?
a) No, only those who are chronically unhappy and deeply troubled believe and need that shit.
b) Yes, in this time of hate, we all need to love ourselves more so we can love others more.
c) No, that’s not allowed in Death Star, which I’ve sworn to protect.

Why are you so smart?
a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.

How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
b) Never.
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.

Why are you so lazy?
a) I daydream a lot.
b) I’m not lazy.
c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.

Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
c) I’ve got to be if I’m filling this out.

What’s Plato’s Republic about?
a) Why we’re all dumbasses
b) The meaning of life
c) How to be happy

How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?

How many hours a week does Eminem work?
a) 100

How many hours a week does 50 Cent work?
a) 100
b) 70
c) 40

How many hours a week does Taylor Swift work?
a) 100
What is Taylor Swift most likely doing right now?
a) Shaving off tied up Luke Skywalker’s pubic hair with his light saber while singing Blank Space
b) Singing Teardrops on My Guitar while having sex with Anakin Skywalker as a tied up Padme watches
c) Doing take after take for her next video

What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers.

What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
c)Pretending he’s Jabba the Hut while banging his secretary dressed as Princess Leia

What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince.
b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes like they’re ewoks.
c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.

What was 50 Cent doing on a random Saturday night, 2006?
a) Getting fucked up his ass by his trainer, who resembles Han Solo
b) Working out, writing songs and negotiating business contracts.
c) Sucking your mom’s big black dick, what the fuck does this have to do with the Dark Side?

Someone leaves knives in soapy water.  What do you do to make sure that person never does it again?
a) Tell her that doing that can hurt someone, that she needs to think about the consequences of her actions.
b) Lock her in the freezer for an hour.
c) Fill sink with soapy water and knives. Have her wash knives.

Jane walks in and orders two 32 oz jars of juice, which will take you 15 minutes to make. Jared walks in immediately after she places her order and orders a small juice, which takes 2 minutes to make. Sam enters immediately after Jared places his order and orders a smoothie, which takes 30 seconds to make, whom do you serve first?
a) Jane
b) Jared
c) Sam

Tiffany’s daughter is throwing ice cubes at other customers. What do you do?
a) Tell them to “get the fuck out.”
b) Politely ask Tiffany to tell her daughter to stop
c) Throw ice cubes at them.

You’re the principal of the school. You visit a class where students are either goofing off or sleeping. What do you do?
a) Tell everyone that anyone who doesn’t pay attention will get failing grade for the day.
b) Don’t do anything. Privately tell teacher that he sucks at teaching, that’s why nobody is listening.
c) Explain to students why it’s important for them to pay attention to their teachers.

You’re sampling drinks. What do you say to get someone to try one?
a) “Hi, would you like to try this?
b) “Try this.”
c) “Drink this or I’ll hit you.”

Your car battery dies so you’re late for work. Whose fault is it you’re late?
a) Nobody’s, sometimes shit happens
b) The battery’s.
c) My fault

Customer asks you what’s the most popular drink. How do you respond?
a) Tell him what you think is most popular.
b) Ask him which flavors he prefers.
c) Ask the manager to answer his question.

As you’re focused on a complicated order, condescending customer tells you that you should smile more if you want a tip. How do you respond?
a) “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day.”
b) Smile more.
c) Ask her if she’d like a side order of “Fuck Off” to go with her order.

How do you produce kids who will become confident adults with healthy self-esteem?
a) Tell them how amazing, wonderful and special they are.
b) Set higher and higher expectations and expect them to achieve them.
c) Try to build a stress free environment for them so they can achieve their goals.

How do you produce kids who will become batshit crazy as adults?
a) Tell them how wonderful and special they are, all the time.
b) Beat the shit out of them
c) Ignore them

Your 8 year old is new at school.  He gets shoved out of lunch line and is told to get to the back.  He responds by beating the shit out of the kid who bullied him.  What’s your response?
a) Ground him and make him apologize to kid he beat up.
b) Tell him he did the right thing and to never worry about lawsuits, you’ll take care of those if they come up.
c) Have your kid apologize to the kid he beat up and have them talk it out.  End with hug.

Your partner tells you you’re lazy. How do you respond?
a) Takes on to know one, asshole.
b) How am I lazy?
c) You never see all the things I do for you.

Who will most likely grow up to be batshit crazy?
a. Asian kid who gets bitch slapped for getting a “B” because “B” is for Bitch.
b. Black kid molested by his football coach
c. Middle-class White kid who gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

Your daughter loves gymnastics and is about to enter her first meet. She’s confident about winning and even thought about the perfect place to hang her blue ribbon. While she did well, she didn’t medal, and was devastated. What do you, as a parent, tell her?
a) Tell her you thought she was the best
b) Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.
c) Tell her she doesn’t deserve to win because she didn’t work hard enough.

What should Mother say to get her son to eat something he doesn’t want?
a. Drink that kale smoothie or I’ll kick your ass.
b. Drink that kale smoothie if  you want to grow a nine inch cock and find a girlfriend who’ll ride it.
c. Baby, drink that kale smoothie, it’s good for you, do it for mommy, ok?

Someone mugs you.  Whose fault is it that you got mugged?  
a) My fault
b) Society’s
c) Mugger’s

What Makes a Good School?

Would you let the government run grocery stores?  What sort of food would be available if the government did that?  Think about that, we’ll get back to it later.

What Makes a Good Teacher?

Why do the best American private high schools rarely hire teachers with education degrees and don’t require them to be certified to teach?

a) Teaching quality doesn’t matter when all the kids are so smart and wealthy
b) So they can exploit teachers by paying them less
c) They know that an Education degree is a bullshit degree and teacher certification means jack shit.

Correct answer is C.  Check out Phillips Academy Exeter’s (one of the best high schools in the world) faculty if you don’t believe me.

If the best private high schools in the US rarely hire those with education degrees and teacher certifications, then why don’t government managed high schools (aka public schools), especially the worst ones, do the same?  Why don’t we emulate the best schools?

Education-Industrial Complex

Incompetent people spend more time preparing excuses for failure than working toward success, that’s why.  The purpose of the education-industrial complex is to maintain the legitimacy of government managed schools, despite its breathtaking failures.  It begins with lame excuses and hiding behind bullshit degrees and certifications that teach teachers to do the OPPOSITE of what teachers at the best schools are doing.  The most common lame excuses:

  • we lack proper funding
  • the students are poor
  • the parents are ignorant
  • we lack proper fucking funding
  • racism
  • sexism

When a project begins with excuses,  it’s guaranteed to fail because nobody’s identity is at stake.  People succeed only when they put everything on the line, when there are no face saving excuses to protect the ego.

Why Education-Industrial Complex Exists

For the same reason the Military-Industrial complex exists.  Military-Industrial complex justifies ridiculous military spending (number one and more than next 8 highest spenders combined despite sharing only two borders) by scaring the shit out of Americans, telling them that without the US military dropping bombs and invading nations around the world nearly every day, Islamic terrorists are going to blow us up, the Russians are going rape our women, and the Chinese will eat our fetuses.  And all it takes is a couple of incidents and the fear is cemented.


Conceptual art piece by Chinese artist.  US congress thought it was cannibalism — Chinese eating fetuses — and called for sanctions and Human Rights investigation. Fucking tools.

Education-Industrial complex pulls the same shit, convincing people that without mandatory public education there’ll be lawlessness and mass unemployment and the literacy rate would plummet, leaving the US poor and dumb.  All it takes is a couple of incidents of some high school drop outs doing stupid shit to cement the fear, even though most of our Founding Fathers — all highly literate — had little or no *formal* education and Abraham Lincoln — also highly literate — only had one year of school.  It’s also not clear how much of a role public education has had on literacy, as literacy rates were increasing — in response to the changing economy — long before public schools became popular and mandatory. Daniel Lattier on the effectiveness of public education:

Thus, the increase in American literacy cannot be solely chalked up to the creation of a public education system. Indeed, as statistics today show, an education system is no guarantee of literacy. According to a recent study conducted by the U.S. Department of Education, 32 million of American adults are illiterate, 21 percent read below a 5th grade level, and 19 percent of high school graduates are functionally illiterate, which means they can’t read well enough to manage daily living and perform tasks required by many jobs.

Maybe the number of terrorist attacks directed at the US would go down if the US military stopped wantonly harassing and/or invading other nations.  And maybe, just maybe, the literacy rate will improve if the government were to get out the business of funding and managing schools, just as it had before public education became mandatory.


Children getting indoctrinated

What Makes a Good School?

  • Good schools teach grit and curiosity. Students at such schools are taught to struggle with and solve difficult problems on their own and with others, and to ask questions without fear of reprisal. (See Harkness Table Method used at many of the top schools).
  • Good schools also make competitive sports a required part of the curriculum. Sports teaches grit and accountability, makes the body more graceful, and trains students to hone and trust their instincts.
  • Good schools require participation in performance arts, especially theater arts. Theater prepares student to be comfortable in front of large audience, cultivates the memory, and teaches students to be more aware of how the intonation of their speech and the grace of their gestures affects people.
  • Good schools set higher and higher expectations and expect students to achieve them.
  • Good schools teach students that only they can educate themselves.

What Makes a Bad School?

  • Bad schools are concerned about the emotional health of students, which ironically makes them emotionally frail and crazy.
  • Bad schools tell students how to solve problems instead of letting them solve them on their own.
  • Bad schools reward knowledge instead of curiosity and train students to not trust their instincts.
  • Bad schools allow students to make excuses when they don’t meet standards and encourage students to lower their standards to get better grades.
  • Bad schools teach students that they need school to educate themselves.

What Happens When Government Runs Grocery Stores?

What did you imagine?  I’m guessing those of you who are Lefty-Goosey imagined grocery stores without candy bars and soda and tabloid magazines, with an abundance of fresh and organic fruit and produce, and limited but high quality supply of seafood and meat. Those from the Raunchy Right probably imagined something similar but with fewer options and more empty shelves.

If that’s what you imagined, your vision is probably close to what would happen.  One place that shows us what would happen is at the local government controlled public school cafeterias that follow the Healthy Hungry Free Kids Act Federal nutrition guidelines (2010).  Here’s what they serve for lunch:


Not bad, nutritionally — improvement over what had been served — but most kids hated it and didn’t eat most if it. So someone asked:

As more children start to bring lunches from home and forego the nutritious school lunch, we, as school nutrition professionals, ask ourselves, how did we get here? Our government implemented a law, regardless of your opinions on it, designed to provide healthier foods to children during the school day to help build stronger bodies and sharper minds. Now we find that law with seemingly good intentions has somehow backfired on us in some cases. We find ourselves fighting two opposing battles – struggling to meet the new nutritional guidelines while trying to get the students to eat the meals prepared in schools.

Taste comes first, taste comes first, taste ALWAYS comes first for most people when it comes to food. This program failed because government bureaucrats don’t understand the psychological and emotional dimensions of eating the way chefs do because they don’t have to, it’s not their money at stake when something fails.  These people have no idea what they’re up against.

Meals brought from home had a high probability of including sugary drinks like soda, chips, dessert, or even all three. Some parents might say that their child’s meals are packed with love, but in reality, they are packed with a lot more than that. Sack lunches were found to have higher sugar and fat content, along with more calories than a reimbursable meal option sold in the school cafeteria.

And that’s precisely why I spend so much time tearing down the cultural foundations — middle-class manners and delusions — of this kind of behavior. Some of you think middle-class (gratuitous) compliments are good for society.  Wrong, a vacant compliment is no different from giving someone soda or heroin: all provide easy pleasure that we don’t deserve and will kill us. Those who crave compliments are going to crave sugar and are one bad step away from becoming heroin addicts.

A local Wyoming official who opted out of the Federal plan:

“A one-size-fits-all program doesn’t work everywhere,” says Decker. “And I also think that food is a little too personal to make a law. You can tell someone they can’t speed, but I don’t you can tell everybody what they have to eat every day.”

So I’m guessing that a government run grocery store will be “healthier” than most privately run ones. But most people won’t like it, will reject it, and it wouldn’t make a profit.

What Happens When You Let Government Run Schools and Make Public Education Mandatory? 
You get tyranny. Like the students who didn’t like the government run cafeteria, you get a bunch of students who don’t want to be at school because they aren’t getting what they want out of it.  Forcing people to do what they don’t want to do is tyranny, even if the intentions are honorable. You can demand a motorist to not drink and drive and to follow traffic rules because that’s what the motorist agreed to to earn the right to drive on government roads.  But we can’t tell people who haven’t done anything wrong that they have to go to education camps that fuck them up any more than we can force people to fight in wars they have no interest fighting.

What Happens If We Get Rid of Public Education? 
Those who want to be educated — including the poor — will still be educated, just as the Founding Fathers were when there weren’t many schools.  Many will become better educated than had they graduated from a shit school because shit schools are like bad hospitals, they make people dumber just as bad hospitals make people sicker.  Resources won’t be wasted on those who don’t want to be educated so society will be wealthier.  The economy will take off because people will begin working earlier instead of wasting time bored in school making themselves unemployable.  And most importantly, many more people will finally be free, instead of scared, to think for themselves.

Child abuse in the USA



How to Cook Like a Racist

Political indoctrination works like sexual harassment and rape.  How it happens in school:

  1. Bring together a bunch of people, the younger the better because they’re more impressionable and most don’t know what the fuck is going on.
  2. Convince them that they need to get good grades if they want to live a good life.
  3. Tell them what to think.  Assign work.  Ask them, for instance, “Why are fat people fat?”
  4. Grade assignments.  Good grades go only to those who agree with teacher.  Bad grades to those who disagree.  For instance, say teacher believes fat people are fat because of income inequality (as many Sociologists do). Kid who grew up with fat people disagrees because he’s seen them routinely choose Snickers bars instead of the more affordable apple — he gets a C and is told that his experiences are anecdotal and therefore mean jack shit.
  5. Repeat process until nobody trusts their own eyes anymore.
  6. Some who disagree will say “fuck this, I’m out” and are then stigmatized as losers (drop-outs). The rest learn to agree even when they disagree because they now feel worthless and are too scared to do otherwise.

That’s how political indoctrination works in the social sciences and humanities. It’s sick and twisted and there’s a big difference between getting students to understand what they don’t understand versus forcing them to internalize ideology that dulls their instincts and violate their core values.

How Harvey Weinstein sexually harasses and rapes women:

  1. Bring together a bunch of women who want a career in the entertainment industry. Younger the better because they’re more impressionable and most don’t know what the fuck is going on.
  2. Convince them that he alone has the power to make their dreams come true.
  3. Ask them to show him their genitals.  Ask them to touch his genitals.
  4. Those who do as he says are given new social connections, connections they actually could’ve acquired on their own.
  5. Repeat process until they no longer trust in their own ability to make their career happen
  6. Spread false rumors about those who refused to be sexually harassed and raped.

Some are thinking that this is a bad analogy because some people really believe what some teacher wants them to believe.  Sure sure, Annie by 10th grade already had a feeling that she’d be poor for the rest of her life because deep down she knows she’s a lazy shit so was primed to accept lame excuses about her sordid future. That’s why she majored in Sociology.

Annie isn’t any different from Tina, who enjoys the attention she gets when sexually harassed and her ass beaten red while called a “dirty whore” because she still has Daddy issues she picked up in Psychology and Women’s Studies classes. And just because Arlene has rape fantasies doesn’t mean she wants to be raped any more than Vijay the pre-med student wants to spew bullshit about the social construction of medical knowledge that no medical doctor takes seriously, just to get a good grade so he doesn’t ruin his chances of getting into medical school.

Thug Kitchen Cookbooks

Here’s what someone said about the Thug Kitchen cookbooks (which we sell):

These aren’t just recipes peppered with swear words, these white authors are taking their syntactic cues from African-American Vernacular English, then making the choice to add the vulgarity, the ignorance, the allusions to crime and police, the “thug” label, etc.

Another comment:

…what’s racist is white people using that language to personify a “thug” archetype. If you’d ever heard how these authors really speak it’d be clear to you that the voice they use for their recipes is a mockery that has nothing to do with their lived experience.

From another:

Seems that unexamined white privilege making safe and profitable for white folks to appropriate is the main thing enabling this kind of anti-black corporatist violence. As a vegan, if you want to invoke any kind of moral claim about your diet don’t do it while supporting these authors.

Are they racist?

Bon Appetit Pho Controversy

Bon Appetit featured a White chef showing audience how he likes to eat pho.  Here’s what people had to say about that (which got the video removed, sorry can’t show it):

“Columbusing at its finest.” (as in Christopher Columbus)


“Yes, technically it’s okay to showcase white chefs who are making cuisine from a different culture, but understand that this is a sensitive topic and act accordingly and respectfully!!!!

“PLEASE I expect more common sense than to title a video with a command ordering people how to eat this foood!!!!!!!!! BE BETTER CULTURAL PRODUCERS.”

How to Cook Like a Racist

We first need to determine if you can cook like a racist.  Use guide below to see where you’re at on the hierarchy of the oppressed.

White -1 point
Fancy Asians (those from nations that have hosted Olympics) 0 points
Jungle Asians (those from nations that host diseases) 1 point
Brown Hispanics 3 points
White Hispanics 1 point
Black 4 points
Light Skinned Black (use brown paper bag test) 3 points
Native American 5 points
Gay 3 points
Transgendered 4 points
Female 1 point
Male -1 point
Poor 2 point (0 points if straight White male)
Obese 2 points (-2 if straight White male)
Muslim 2 points
Jewish 0 points
Christian (including Catholics) -1 point

*Note, Fancy Asians versus Jungle Asians is an Ali Wong joke we’re borrowing.

*No cheating!  Just because you’re a White male who has watched gay porn doesn’t make you qualified to be gay. Need to lick dick at least a dozen times to qualify.

*If you’re ethnically Chinese from any of the jungle Asian nations such as Indonesia and Vietnam, you count as a Fancy Asian.

*Sorry European Jews, you’ve been White since 2003 (according to the Village Voice).

Add up your point total.  Where you stand:

10 plus points: You can’t be racist.  Cook whatever you want.
6-9 points: You can’t be racist except to non-Whites.
1-5 points: You can be racist.
0 points or less: You are a racist.

  • If you scored 0 points or less, you should not be cooking because all of your cooking is racist.  You should be sent to re-education camp.   One year per point.
  • If you scored 1-5 points, you can only cook White people food or food from your ethnic group. Do NOT cultural appropriate from other cultures, unless it’s White culture. You can’t tell other people how to eat this or that.
  • If you scored 6-9 points,  you can cook White food, food from your ethnic group, and food from other ethnic groups as long as you receive written approval from a representative of that ethnic group or they’re cooking it with you.  If you’re White, you can tell non-Whites how to eat White people food but you still can’t tell non-Whites how to eat their food.
  • If you scored 10 and more, you can cook whatever the fuck you want.

Chinese Cultural Revolution and Why People Complain About Stupid Shit

Look to the Great Chinese Proletariat Cultural Revolution ~1966 to ~1976 to see what happens when this kind of political indoctrination goes unchecked.  Unprecedented turbulence and mayhem: schools and factories burned down, family members spied on each other, people were sent to re-education camps solely for being from the wrong class demographic, or for using a politically incorrect word or phrase, and for not adhering to an artistic style and format. For even eating Shanghai dumplings because that’s an example of bourgeoisie cuisine.  Books and ancient art were destroyed because they were of the Old Society. Recipes were nearly forgotten because people were terrified to cook and eat the politically wrong dishes.

What did it achieve?  Nothing, except more poverty, more violence, more anxiety, shitty food, and tremendous loss of historical artifacts and lives.

What does the Chinese Cultural Revolution reveal about people?  That people are by nature petty, vindictive, envious fucktards.  Healthy cultures check human tendencies toward depravity.  Dying cultures give in to such depravity. And being offended is learned vis-a-vis political indoctrination, it is not a natural emotive response. That’s why young children make rude remarks, they don’t see what’s the big deal. It isn’t until they become emotionally broken that they learn to be offended.

And perhaps China has been on the rise precisely because they gradually got rid of the “political correctness” that nearly destroyed them. Today, in China, you can criticize politicians — including the President and Premier — denounce corrupt officials, write songs about Socialism being bad, make funny commercials that would lead to race riots in the US, and cook whatever you want to eat.  There is no language police in China and their citizens don’t get offended by stupid shit. (Only thing you can’t do is question the legitimacy of the Communist Party).  People can’t be productive and innovative when they’re worried about stupid shit like political correctness.

I realize many Americans — unlike the Chinese who don’t care who they offend as long as it’s not their elders (that’s why they’re considered so rude by Americans) — truly don’t like to offend people. It’s a polite society. And that’s the problem, Americans have a tendency to back down (as Bon Appetit did) when criticized for being rude.  Do not back down, people are responsible for their own fucking feelings, they need to adapt to reality not the other way around. British social commentator “The Dangerous Faggot” Milo Yiannapoulos on American “niceness:”

This week I have been accused of causing “pain and divisiveness.” I should hope so. A terminal disease in contemporary American culture is niceness. Appropriateness and earnestness are this country’s cardinal sins. For three decades, conservatives have been scolded, reprimanded, backed into toothless, diluted positions, robbed of their effectiveness and browbeaten out of their zeal by language-policers demanding “civilized discourse.”

Don’t be fooled, they don’t want a civilized discussion.  They only want an excuse (triggered) to scream in your face, like these Yale students versus Resident Master who is trying to explain to them that well educated adults are not easily offended and can handle it when they are.  .

How to Fight Back

From NPR: Is it OK When Chef Becomes Famous Cooking Another Culture’s Food? White chef Rick Bayless has built an impressive career making and talking about Mexican food. On his critics and how he handles the attacks:

Pashman: “There are also other Mexicans and Mexican-Americans who are like, ‘Screw this guy Rick Bayless.’ So how do you feel when you get that kind of reaction to your work?”

Bayless: “Well, usually people who have that opinion of me don’t want to have a conversation. Those people that say it are usually very political, and they have a mouthpiece and they just go around saying it. And everybody thinks, ‘Oh, lots of people must believe that.’ And honestly, I don’t think they do. I know that there have been a number of people out there that criticized me only — only — because of my race. Because I’m white, I can’t do anything with Mexican food. But we have to stop and say, ‘Oh wait, is that plain racism then?’ “

Two points Bayless makes: most people (at least for now) don’t give a shit about this cultural appropriation nonsense so don’t worry too much about the accusations. And those who are this ideological do NOT want a discussion.  So don’t try to explain that cultural appropriation has been going on for thousands of years around the world and it’s been a good thing because as far as they’re concerned, a straight White male has no right to appropriate anything.  The Dangerous Faggot agrees:

The progressive Left is dedicated to the annihilation of America and every surviving libertarian and conservative person in it. The Left’s gratuitous vandalism of American institutions and its hostility to the principles that have made this country great cannot be fought with essays in magazines. The Left can only win by forcing us onto the uneven playing field of political correctness. I choose war.


Reader Reactions to Job Application “Juice Nazi Seeks Head of Secret Police” (11.28.17)

Application Here


“Hi, I just wanted to let you know that your tag line in your craigslist ad is the most deplorable thing i’ve ever seen a business put their name on.
I’ve taken photos of the ad, with the name Alive Juice bar right under the bottom of the photos on your ad, and I will be posting them on social media”

“…what kind of employee do expect to attract with an application that is as crude as yours?”

“I can handle all kinds of bullshit, but that application was offensive. Maybe I don’t want my kid to feel pressure to grow up to have a nine inch cock and girlfriend to ride it. Maybe I want my kid to grow up being emotionally and intellectually well adjusted, maybe even gay. That preferred answer denotes an immense level of heteronormativity and even a budding trend towards misogyny.”

“…this “application” takes methods of communication to a whole other level. How does your business remain open with an application like this being online?”

“…the Asian references are pretty tasteless. But you are forgiven.”

“Is this a real ad? If it is I’m shocked”

“Wow. Just wow.”

“He’s like an annoying Midwestern morning radio host who doesn’t even get paid anymore, just wants to jack off into the microphone and call it “edgy”.

“Alive is a racist cult built around the shitty, awkward personality of someone who thinks trolling is a business model.”


“Best damn Blog i ever read and interview I have ever taken. I will happily be your minion and enforce your will on all who oppose you.”

“Omg hahahabbabab!
I read your ad,
I love you!
I love you.”

“I wanted to share how inspiring your post has just been as I continue looking for work, I would answer C to all the questions. Because, why would I ever dull the life around me with idle lack of accountability or good taste (relatively). My shit is as together as it can be working on less than consistent stability or responsible nourishment to my body. I am strong, now at 22 I realize while climbing out of my adolescent intercity self victimization, radical self love and the ability to laugh in place of tears has burned brightly in the fog of codependency, unhealthy expectations, and post traumatic stress disorder. Its much more funny in hindsight I have decided. Either way cheers for the post, I needed this. Ciao!”

How to Make Black Bean Brownies (Vegan and Gluten-Free)

Our black bean brownies taste better and are healthier than conventional brownies. They’re not healthier because they’re vegan and gluten-free, they’re healthier because using black beans instead of flour makes it more nutritionally fulfilling.  You’ll feel satisfied with one serving instead of binge eating an entire tray.

We developed this recipe in house. We worked on it until we got the soft texture that makes brownies so comforting to bite into.  See how we make it in video below.

Note: The version we sell at Alive Juice Bar doesn’t contain sugar.  It’s still plenty sweet (unless your palate is fucked up) and tastes a more dark chocolaty.   Enjoy, and don’t hesitate to ask us questions.



In the next episode, Maria will show you How to Slurp Soup Like a Chinaman  (How to Not Eat Like a Foreign Devil series).  We also offer cooking lessons at your home for your family.

Frequently Asked Questions XV


Is it really true that you lock employees in freezer?
Define “lock” and “freezer.”

Dude, where did you get that black eye?
Back alley, behind the store.

Were you attacked by Social Justice Warriors who saw your job ad? (someone really asked this)

Did you read Milo’s book Dangerous?  

Is it as offensive as they say it is? 
As offensive as Eminem, Socrates, Nietzsche, Dr. Dre, Quentin Tarantino, Leonard Cohen, Georges Bataille, and a few parts of the Bible.  Less offensive than middle-class architecture and manners.

He was so offensive, they sentenced him to death.


Should my children go to etiquette school?

How will they learn good manners?
They won’t at etiquette school. They’ll learn middle-class manners.

What’s wrong with middle-class manners?
Nothing if you don’t mind having a meal with a chopstick up your ass.

What are good manners?
Good manners isn’t a matter of following a set of procedures because appropriate conduct changes culture to culture, household to household: it depends on situation.  Well mannered people are observant, adaptable, and practical, thus able to be at ease in any cultural environment.  Etiquette school is a product of English colonialism and its purpose is to teach the middle-class to look down on those who don’t follow a set of procedures, even when the procedures don’t make sense.

To justify English colonialisn, a bunch of White Anglo Saxon Pricks taught that civilized people sit in chairs, while uncivilized (and deserving to be colonized) people squat.  Now we know that squatting is healthier than sitting in a chair.  Would you rather be “civilized” or healthy?

English decided to colonize these people because they have bad manners. Like squatting while eating and slurping their noodles.  They also eat with chopsticks instead of shoving them up their asses.

Sugar Tax

What do you think about the recently passed sugar tax?
It’s another one of those condescending taxes meant to humiliate the poor while making liberals feel good about themselves.

What do you think of the new job and education programs the tax will fund?
When you treat people like children they become children.  These programs, like most government programs, will be useless and impossible to get rid of once entrenched in the bureaucracy.

Doesn’t the tax help your business?
No and it creates a dangerous precedent. The debates about which drinks qualify are sure to get nastier and more confusing.


These people think they’re refined and sophisticated. Even though every one of them has a chopstick up their ass.