Ghetto Asians, Fancy Results (excerpts from upcoming book)

This is chapter 6 of How to go to school like an Asian

Book version has references. Will add links to references when I get a chance.


It’s first grade and I’m living in a lower-middle class working class neighborhood, 75% Hispanics (some immigrants), 20% Asian (all immigrants), the rest are native White.  I’m placed in the highest reading group, which means I’m reading one grade above grade level.  

For second grade, I was sent to live with relatives in one of the most affluent zip codes in the nation, which at the time was  75% White, 20% Asian, the rest other.  I experienced culture shock, this was my first encounter with the preppy set and they were very different from the boys at my previous school, who would punch themselves in the face, likely as practice for what life will be like when they’d reach middle-school.  

The most notable difference between the two schools I noticed was that I was now placed in the lowest reading group.  This school used the same reading curriculum and sequence as the one my previous school used, so I could compare apples to apples.  That is, the lowest group at my new school read what the highest group at my previous school read.  That was when I realized that there’s a big difference between one school and another.  

Then I got shipped off to high scoring Singapore to finish second grade, where students were at a level comparable to those at my affluent US school.  This is despite (or because of?) Singapore having an average primary school class size of 33, one of the highest among advanced countries.  After comparing my schoolwork to that of my Singaporean cousins, I learned that there wasn’t as much variation in standards and expectations within the Singaporean school system.  What I experienced in the US — going from highest group to the lowest when I changed schools — doesn’t happen in Singapore.  Indeed, from my experience as a student and teacher, I’ve learned that in the US, and even within a school district, standards and expectations vary greatly from one school to another.  It’s no surprise that the quality of students in the US is similarly varied, where the top 1% of US students are at least as good as the top 1% in any other country, but your average US student is way behind the average student in Confucian Asian nations such as Japan.  Put it this way — your average American high school graduate can’t recite the multiplication table or locate France on a map.     

I returned to the US for 3rd grade, this time to a school in a lower-middle class  neighborhood. The school was 50% Asian, 40% Mexican, 10% White.  This is where I received the best education of my life and experienced the most improvement over the school year.  This is where I learned that wealth doesn’t matter, culture does.   

The school was overcrowded, so they divided the school day into two.  The first set went from 8am-noon, followed by free lunch for most.  The second set, the one I was in, from 1-5pm, preceded by free lunch for most.  There were 33 students in my class (that I remember because our patient and overwhelmed teacher explained that if each of us got in line to ask her three questions per day, that’d be 99).   

The teacher would choose one student as the “student of the month.”  All nine chosen over the year were Asian, Vietnamese (ethnically Chinese, I’m guessing, because that’s what nearly all Vietnamese refugees were) to be exact.  And nearly all of them were boys, which is unusual because girls tend to do better than boys from elementary school until 11th grade.  Oh, and the teacher (White female, if you care)  gave an honorable mention at the end of the school year to a Mexican girl.  

It was at this “overcrowded” and “underfunded” school, by American standards, that I received the best education of all my years of schooling.  For instance, at the beginning of the year, we spent 30 minutes writing whatever we wanted.  Did the same at the end of the year.  Then we got to compare what we wrote at the beginning to what we wrote at the end.  I was able to write one sentence in the beginning.  By the end of the school year, I wrote a page and a half and would’ve  kept going if allowed.  

What was it about the Asian kids at this school that compelled them to excel in school?  Neo-Marxists wouldn’t expect them to do this well because:

  • None of them had parents at home much because they were working long hours everyday.  We’d hang out at each other’s houses before or after school without an adult chaperone.  
  • None of them were wealthy.  I wouldn’t call any of them poor, even though nearly all qualified for free lunch.  
  • None received tutoring outside of school.  They couldn’t afford it so they asked the teacher to work with them after school.  This teacher, bless her, obliged, despite not getting paid for the extra work she put in.  

Which suggests that:

  1. Parents don’t need to be around for kids to do well in school.  Perhaps all they need to do is set expectations and leave the kids alone?  
  2. Kids who do well don’t need to be wealthy.  
  3. Class size doesn’t matter as much as Americans think it does.  
  4. School funding doesn’t matter as much as Americans think it does.  

How do I know that this was a good school, or a good class at the very least?  For 4th grade, I transferred to a private school, 80% White, 20% Asian (Mexicans went to Catholic schools). Mostly middle to upper-middle class.  I was a B student in 3rd grade, at my ghetto school, and here I was a straight A student, despite no changes to my work ethic.  Which suggests that my ghetto 3rd grade school had higher standards and was more competitive than my 4th grade middle to upper middle-class private school, where nearly everyone, it seemed, had stay-at-home moms and lived on comfortable incomes.  

From these experiences, I learned that a classroom’s culture matters.  And it’s not just the teacher or the school that creates the culture, the students can make it too.  What made my 3rd grade ghetto experience so exceptional was that my Asian classmates — the ones I hung out with — pushed each other to always do better because there’s always room for improvement.  That, in turn, impelled the teacher to raise the standards for everyone.  It’s the symbiotic relationship between students and the teacher that matters more than funding, parental presence, and class size.  

High School Years

I spent my high school years (9-12th) at a second rate East coast boarding school, The Stony Brook School (SBS).  It was there that I encountered students from the best high schools in the world, public and private.  While SBS was not one of the elite schools, it was good enough to connect me to  those who went to top schools.  For instance, a classmate’s brother was attending Middlesex, and we’d meet up with him and his schoolmates in New York City.  My roommate’s girlfriend studied at Bronx Science and we’d meet her and her friends in NYC.  Here’s what I learned from this experience.  

The most academically advanced students, especially in Math, came from NYC public magnet schools: eg. Stuyvesant, Bronx Science, Hunter College; the athletes, thespians, and writers from the elite private boarding prep schools: eg. Phillips Academy at Exeter, Chaote Rosemary Hall, Miss Porter’s; the spoiled brats from the tony private day schools in NYC: eg. Dalton, Nightingale-Bamford, Riverdale Country Day.  

We’ll see what we can learn from the boarding prep school experience in the next chapter, Anglo Boarding Schools.  For the purposes of this chapter, let’s profile a couple of the top public high schools in the US.  

Top public schools like Stuyvesant were when I was in high school and still are ~70% Asian and most of them are POOR and NOT WELL EDUCATED.  From the Atlantic Monthly, 4 Myths Fueling the Fight Over NYC’s Exclusive High Schools

  • An analysis of 2010 census data by an NYU-based urban-policy think tank found that the city’s [NYC] majority-Asian neighborhoods are more economically depressed than those of most other racial distributions: Their average household income of less than $52,000, for example, was less than that of majority-black neighborhoods. That same report found that fewer than a quarter of the adults (25 years or older) living in the majority-Asian neighborhoods at the time had a bachelor’s degree or higher.

These Asians aren’t Silicon Valley immigrants pulling down 200k salaries (which isn’t a lot in The Valley), these are busboys, nail technicians, and cooks living in one of the most expensive cities in the world, okay?  And it’s from these neighborhoods — wealthy New Yorkers send their kids to private schools — that some of the best high schools in the US draw most of their students.  

Most of the rest were and are Jewish, many of them POOR and children of immigrants.  The few Blacks there are almost all children of immigrants.  The average SAT at Stuyvesant, according article updated on May 20, 2019, is 1466 out of 1600.  According to the same article, the top public school in the US, Thomas Jefferson High School in Arlington, Virginia, has an average SAT score of 1515, which is the average SAT at Harvard, MIT, and The University of Chicago.  Roughly 70% of TJ students are Asian, many of them children of immigrants.  

Even the worst students at the top public schools would be valedictorians at most high schools.  This is what the competition to be the best looks like.  If you don’t know the competition, you’ll, according to Sun-Tzu, “succumb in every battle.”  And that’s what’s happening in America. Americans haven’t a clue about Asians, especially the Chinese, while Asians, especially the Chinese, understand Americans better than Americans do themselves.  And the Chinese are horrified by what they see happening in the US.  They do not like Americans.  

That there are so many Asians at top public schools has pissed off a lot of people, especially neo-Marxist liberals.  In a July 2, 2021 Washington Post opinion piece titled: 

  • The purge of Asian American students at Thomas Jefferson High School has begun

The new “holistic” admissions standards implemented by Thomas Jefferson High School, the number one ranked high school in the US in 2021, is meant to increase Black, Brown, and White enrollment.  Here’s what’s happened, according to the piece:

  • “School district officials announced that, as a result of their new admissions system, they slashed the percentage of Asian students admitted to TJ to 54 percent this year from 73 percent last year. The percentage of Blacks and Hispanics increased — as it did for White students.”

So admissions-wise, liberals got what they wanted, which is a school that matches more closely to the racial demographic for Arlington County, which looks like this, according to the latest American Community Survey published by the US Census Bureau:

  • White: 71.49%
  • Asian: 10.26%
  • Black or African American: 9.15%
  • Other race: 4.80%
  • Two or more races: 3.81%
  • Native American: 0.36%
  • Native Hawaiian or Pacific Islander: 0.13%

But it remains to be seen how affirmative action admittees will do in such an environment.  If they don’t do well, flunk out even, will they lower standards to ensure every student passes?  How will lower standards affect the best students?  Can a school continue to be the best with lower standards?   

The Advantage of Being Poor

Americans tell their poor that they’re at a disadvantage in school and in life because they’re poor and can’t afford the tutoring, gadgets, and posh spaces necessary to reach their potential.  Asians tell their poor that it’s the wealthy kids who are at a disadvantage because they’re too soft, too spoiled, and not motivated to do well because their families are already wealthy.  That’s precisely what I was told by an uncle, that it’s my turn to shine because the wealthy kids don’t have it in them to excel because their wealth has turned them into lazy fucks.  “Wealth does not last beyond three generations,” the Chinese saying goes.  

Which narrative inspires poor kids to do well in school and in life, the neo-Marxist one, or the Asian one?  Which story turns kids into heroin addicts?   Which story tempts people to become envious and narcissistic zombies? Which story are you going to tell your kids?  

Intro to “How to go to school like an Asian” (upcoming book)

Note: book version has footnotes. At some point I’ll add reference links to blog version.

Back Book Description

Curious about homeschooling?  Ever fantasized about swapping your kid for an Asian one, even if the Asian is a paraplegic?  Want to be Asian at school so you can win all sorts of awards, build robots named Tiffany, and get rejected by Harvard and Princeton but accepted at CalTech?  Did you write hate mail to Tiger Mom Cunt, Amy Chua?  Then this is the book on education for you!  The notorious Juice Nazi is back and ready to read your hate mail and death threats with his most offensive and triggering book since the banned on Amazon cookbook, How to Cook Like a Racist.  Here he breezily explains why Asians as the model minority isn’t a myth, it’s for real; why Filipinos, Indonesians, Thais, and Malaysians aren’t Asian unless they’re ethnically Chinese.  And why it’s better to commit suicide as a teenager than to become a lifelong heroin addict.  As a bonus, there are 20 exercises — lots of Math, of course — you can do to help you go to school like an Asian.  Ching Chong! 


Asians — not all Asians, I’ll define what I mean by “Asian” later — do better at school than do most other demographic groups (Jews are the exception). Take Asian Americans, they do so well that they’re handicapped when applying to top colleges in the US.

(This is for 1995-2013, maximum score for each section of the SAT i s 800).  

Despite having the highest test scores (and grades, and the most impressive extracurriculars), Asian Americans are accepted at the lowest rate for all racial groups.  

And not just in the US, Asians are similarly discriminated against elsewhere, such as in Malaysia, where there are limits to the number of Chinese in universities.  

Asians are comparatively good at school 

Why is that?  An “anti-racist” Marxist would explain Asian performance in school as the function of their economic wealth and pernicious stereotypes — Asians as model minorities to allegedly justify discrimination against underperforming minorities — that give Asians an unfair advantage at school.  That is, teachers are so racist that they subconsciously treat Asian students in a way (“Suzie Wong must be good at Math”) that gives them, but not Tyrone and Shoquana, an edge, especially in Math.    

Wealth has little to do with Asian performance — low-income Asian Americans score higher on the SATs than do high-income African Americans — and there’s a chapter in this book on how ghetto Asian Americans overcome economic struggles to do relatively well in school.  The argument that some teachers are racially biased, that I agree with and have seen, though I don’t know how to measure its effect on student performance. From Yale University: 

“According to new research by Cydney Dupree, assistant professor of organizational behavior at Yale SOM, white liberals tend to downplay their own verbal competence in exchanges with racial minorities, compared to how other white Americans act in such exchanges.”  

In other words, White liberals — aka “the armies of compassion” — tend to be nicer to Blacks and Browns than to others, such as Asians. What are the consequences of such patronizing behavior?  Is it detrimental to Blacks and Browns? Is it an example of the “soft bigotry of low expectations?”           

Why write this book?  

I started to write this book when the 2020 pandemic shut down Washington state schools.  Parents were freaking out about having to homeschool their kids.  I saw this as an opportunity to correct some of the bad habits learned in school and to make homeschooling less intimidating and an attractive option to parents.  As a business owner — a juice bar, a dance studio, and a clothing store at the start of the writing — seeking competent employees, the bad habits taught in school have been pissing me off since 2010 and has turned me into an anti-school activist. I’m tired of teaching employees to unlearn nearly everything they learned in school.     

Why bring race — Asian, or “White Adjacent” as the Woke put it — into a book about education?  Why not be race neutral during a time when any mention of race triggers lots of people?  Several reasons.  To begin with, this isn’t a book about race, it’s about culture and how different cultures approach education, life in general really.  So by “Asian,” I mean Confucian cultures  — think Japan, the Koreas, China, Vietnam, and not Indonesia, Thailand, Malaysia, and the Philippines (unless  they’re ethnically Chinese).  I’m not writing about how Asians, as defined by the United States government, approach education because of the diversity in lifestyle, mindset, and results among geographically defined Asians. I am writing about how and why a cultural group does as they do educationally. My aim here, at best, is to give readers an opportunity to compare and contrast different approaches to education.   

Yet perhaps a book on education has to be, and unavoidably will be, a book about race,  Especially in racially charged 2020-21. Here are a few news headlines that’ll give you a sense of the centrality of race in discussions about education and pedagogy:

  • From The Wall Street Journal, April 14th, 2021:  Asian-American Parents Sue New York City Schools Alleging Harassment, Racial Bias — Activists say Education Department’s diversity agenda often overlooks Asian students.
  • New York Times, August 27th, 2021: New York’s Private Schools Tackle White Privilege. It Has Not Been Easy.
  • New York Times, April 29, 2021:  Only 8 Black Students Are Admitted to Stuyvesant High School — Once again, tiny numbers of Black and Latino students received offers to attend New York City’s elite public high schools.
  • USA Today, November 12th, 2020: Federal appeals court upholds Harvard University’s use of affirmative action policies
  • Brookings, December 1st, 2020: SAT math scores mirror and maintain racial inequity
  • NY Post, April 24th, 2021: How parents are fighting critical race theory in NYC public schools

So education in the United States is hotly politicized and entrenched in identity politics. That said, it’s not my aim here to make sense of it and to take a position on school admissions, curriculum, and pedagogy. I will not, however, avoid using common tropes — the legendary work ethic of Confucian Asians, for instance — to talk about American education, however offensive they may be to some.  And I will provide exercises that can be used as a supplement to whatever curriculum the student is learning from.    

Finally, I insert race into this book because I’ve wondered if American educators, particularly the neo-Marxist liberal ones, are racially biased when they assess the quality of a curriculum and education culture.  For instance, liberal American educators cite Finland’s education system as the model for the US to follow, but not Singapore’s, even though they score significantly higher than Finland does, especially in Math.  Why is that?  Why not model — with adjustments to suit social and cultural particularities — after the best in the world, instead of the best Western European nation?  Singapore, after all, seems to be a better and easier model to follow since the US has more in common with them than with Finland.  Consider:

  • Singapore, like the US, was a British colony and is influenced by its British legacy
  • Singapore, like the US,  is a multi-cultural and religiously diverse nation
  • English is the language of business and instruction in Singapore, as it typically is in the US (despite not having an official language)

Whereas Finland is, relative to the US and Singapore, racially and culturally homogenous, Finnish educators don’t have to deal with the same problems — racial tensions and diversity, for instance — American educators have to work with.  

I’m not calling  anyone a racist yet. For now, I think the American liberal’s fetish for all things Scandinavian (Sweden’s anti-lockdown approach to the Covid pandemic excepted) — its political and social systems, lifestyles, education curriculum — has more to do with their ideological and lifestyle preferences than from a fear of the Yellow Peril: Asians as a threat to Western liberal lifestyles. But sometimes I wonder if the American education system is reacting to a perceived threat — the Yellow Peril — rather than doing what’s best for American students.  For instance, American education’s move away from memorization (eg. of multiplication tables, historical names and dates, poems and passages) to promote “creative education and students” coincides with the popularization (during the 1980s) of claims that Asians are high scoring automatons and the Asian education system, which relies heavily on memorization, stifles creativity. Meanwhile I’ve had to train employees to memorize the multiplication table because they don’t know what 7 x 4 is when the cash register breaks down. These aren’t drop-outs either, they’re graduating from high school with like 3.8 gpas, and some are college graduates. And they’re not unusually creative either.

Who the fuck am I to write a book about education?

I didn’t graduate from an elite high school (rejected from Deerfield Academy and St. Paul’s School). I wasn’t a star student at my second tier alma mater, The Stony Brook School.  I did graduate from an elite college — The University of Chicago — but it was much, much easier to get into when I applied, no way they’d let my sorry ass in now. My grades were so bad at U of Chicago that I had to pay big bucks to get my grades high enough at a cash cow Masters program to apply to PhD programs in Cultural Anthropology.  Put simply, I’ve never been the stereotypically high achieving Asian student, I’ve never lived up to expectations, mine or others.  I was the underachieving student who couldn’t consistently produce at the elite level.  

So why should anyone read this book? 

This isn’t a follow-the-leader type of book.  It’s more anthropological, where I write out my observations about how Asians in general and elite students from all demographics approach schooling and education (schooling is not the same as education).  In other words, my primary purpose here isn’t to teach readers how to become superstar students. Rather, it’s to show why some are more likely to become superstar students, while others aren’t. And I’m not saying that one needs to be a superstar student to become a superstar in life.  Jack Ma, CEO of worldwide internet giant Alibaba and worth $50 billion as I’m writing this, was a terrible student, only able to get into one of the least reputable colleges in China. One of my former employers was a similarly bad high school student, and he became one of the leading vascular imaging scientists in the world, despite graduating from a low ranked college in China and getting his PhD from a low ranked program in the US.       

That’s why part of me wants to show what it takes to do well in school, while another side wants students to tell schools to fuck off. This tension — a love and hate of school — is the source of this book’s narrative and polemic.  This is a story about how to do well in school despite school, because there is value in learning how to do well in fucked up environments. Most schools — up to the highest levels (PhD) are fucked up environments, just like anywhere else. Thou-Shalt-Not-Fetishize- Schooling, okay?               

Another consideration: what do you gain from a self-help and ethnographic book written from the perspective of someone who has never been a superstar in school or in life? I don’t know, but it’s an intriguing question and I would like to know.  Let me know via email:  Address me with “Dear Underachiever” in the subject line.  

How am I qualified to write anthropologically about superstar students, the Asian kind in particular? I grew up and went to school with them in three countries — the US (mediocre and racially divergent scores), Singapore (highest scores), and Taiwan (higher than US scores).  Some were poor, some were Crazy Rich Asians, most were somewhere in between. They and I have attended schools ranked from below average to the best in the world.     

And finally, I’ve been a teacher.  I’ve worked as a University of Washington Department of Anthropology graduate teaching assistant in charge of leading discussion sections and grading papers.  I’ve taught test prep at Princeton Review.  I tutored and significantly raised the Iowa test scores of Black 4th graders at a Catholic school in Harlem.  So I’ve worked with a diversity of students from a teacher’s point of view.   

In summary, this ethnography of Asian Confucian values is informed by my experiences as a student, my expectations as a teacher, and what I want from employees as a business owner. 

Is this a how-to-be-Asian book? Not necessarily, the  Confucian way of living life has its disadvantages, and they’ll be discussed throughout the book.  

Summary of Chapters 

The first chapter, You are NEVER enough!, is an  introduction to Confucian values and how Asians understand themselves in relation to these values.  Chapter two, Ghetto Asians, fancy results, explores how Confucian values, not income status, is what pushes Asians to the top of the class.  Chapter three, The soft bigotry of low expectations, is a primer on the mindset you don’t want to have if you want to do well in school.  

Chapter four takes a look at Anglo boarding schools, and why they’re considered the gold standard of secondary schools.  What can we learn from them about education and why are they so popular with Asians, the Chinese especially?  Chapter five, Grades don’t matter, standards do, explains how one should evaluate a school and a student’s grades and test scores because many Americans are delusional when it comes to evaluating and assessing anything that has to do with themselves.  In chapter six, How to tell a teacher to fuck off, we discuss your options when confronted with an incompetent teacher.  These options are not Confucian at all.  

How to go to school, the title of chapter seven, shows you how to receive an education despite school.  Some of the counsel has nothing to do with Confucian values.  Chapter eight, Are Asians creative?, makes sense of stereotypes of Asians not being creative and explores the limits of the Confucian mindset.  Chapter nine, How to go to school like an Asian, takes you on an educational journey from primary school to post-college from the point of view of successful Asians.  You’ll learn when they start studying for the SATs, when they take it, how they choose where to go to school, which courses and majors they prefer, and so on.  Chapter 10, Academics explained, delineates the main and a few minor subjects taught in school and how you should weigh each in terms of importance so you know how to better focus your study.  

And finally, in the appendix are exercises you can do as a supplement to your school curriculum.  Each exercise includes a section on Math, one on language, and one on an elective subject like Music.  Enjoy!  

Send questions and comments to  Address me in the subject line with: “Dear Underachiever.”  

Intro to “How to Eat Like an Asshole” 2nd Edition

Click this link for second edition sold on

What’s new in the second edition

* Footnotes to most references
* Reformatted for easier reading
* Copyedited

First edition is sold out, second edition will be sold at Alive Juice Bar by September 1st.

Book Description
Do YOU eat like an asshole? How do you know if you eat like an asshole? Do you eat things that make you look like an asshole without realizing it? The Juice Nazi — owner of Alive Juice Bar, located in a Seattle suburb — mercilessly dissects American dining etiquette and American manners in general to reveal cultural idiosyncrasies many don’t notice. This book explains why what’s typically considered as elegant and graceful, as good manners and fine taste, are actually signs of stupidity and depravity. This book will make those who consider themselves part of the American middle-class in manners and morals, squirm.

I work at a juice bar. Juice bars are unlike conventional restaurants because their purpose isn’t solely to entertain the customer, but also to guide them about health and diet matters. I don’t just cook nutritious drinks and meals that taste good to the customer (taste comes first, taste always comes first), I’m expected to nurse sick customers back to health, to prescribe remedies to heal an injury, and to absolve those who’ve committed dietary debauchery. That’s a lot of conflicting roles and needs to balance — I have to be stern and funny, candid and soothing, and my food has to be salubrious yet pleasurable.

My (sometimes clumsy) attempts at balance to make sense of the absurdities of American life is the driving theme throughout the 17 essays in this book. In the eponymous opening chapter, I show how what’s commonly considered as Anglo-American good table manners is actually bullying masquerading as good breeding that makes eating a tortuous rather than pleasurable experience. Chapter 2, Redneck Food is Healthier Than Stupid Middle Class Food, takes aim at stereotypes about Rednecks and redneck cuisine and posits that it’s actually the diet and sensibilities of the American middle-class that’s fucked up. We segue into chapter 3, Stop Buying This Shit, for more detailed examples of stupid, expensive shit people buy in their attempts to live healthier lives.

In chapter 4, Why We Don’t Carry Wheatgrass, the essay in this book I’m most proud of, we move on to supplements of dubious value. This chapter begins with a take-down of Wheatgrass as a tonic and then asks what our attraction to snake-oils reveals about human nature. Chapter 5, How to Eat With Instincts, is about how and why we’ve learned to stop eating with instincts and how we can get them back. In chapter 6, How to Order the Nasty Shit, you learn how to order the Chinese food Chinese people eat. We pivot, in chapter 7, Why We Eat What We Eat, to a history of American cuisine to  understand how and why certain ingredients became nasty to most Americans.

My juice bar is known for “bad service.” We address this reputation in chapter 8, Why People Prefer Bad Service, which turns middle-class American notions of “good service” on its head to reveal an American middle-class culture rife with politeness grandstanding and obsequious bullying. The topsy-turvy questioning of “good manners” continues in chapter 9, Why Being Nice Will Kill You. Here I note the correlation between nice personalities (personality type C) and diets high in sugar and processed food.  Chapter 10 introduces The Alive Juice Bar Diet that’s not quite a diet. See, balancing!

Chapter 11 asks Why People Hate McDonald’s and I guarantee you it’s not what you think, this will surprise the fuck out of you. Chapter 12, Soy, Men, and Titties, tackles rumors about soy messing with people’s estrogen levels, making men grow titties. Chapter 13 is about How to Get Kids to Eat Their Veggies and to Love Their Parents because most of them are doing neither.

The final four chapters are about why people are fucked in the head. We begin with Do You Have Feelings about Feelings, in chapter 14 to figure out why Americans are some of the most emotionally repressed and broken people in the history of the world. Chapter 15, How the Cult of Self-Esteem Produces Fuck Ups, looks at the consequences of the self-esteem movement and how self-esteem is wrongly confused with self-confidence and the correlation between the two is actually inverted. Chapter 16, What the Story of Echo and Narcissus Tells Us About Self-Love, is a moralistic re-reading of a tragedy.  Chapter 17, Why People Don’t Change, is about why it’s so hard to get people to change their diets and other habits.

Though the essays are intentionally ordered and grouped, they can be read independently of each other. Enjoy and comments are appreciated and can be sent to

More books coming soon, including “How to Cook Like a Racist,” where we offer cooking tips and lessons in the context of American racial politics.

FAQ about Alive Juice Bar 3.0, downtown Everett

Where did Alive move from?
Shoreline, there for nearly 11 years.

Why did Alive move?
Good vibes from downtown Everett and most people here haven’t been infected with the Woke-Zombie disease spreading from Seattle.

Does Owner piss people off for free publicity?
No, but we’ll take the publicity.

Is the owner racist?
Don’t know.

How many times has the owner been in jail?
Why do you ask?

Why would you work for such a Monster?
Stockholm Syndrome

Is everything organic?
Sixty percent of ingredients are organic. Coconuts and pineapples, for instance, are not. Apples, carrots, kale are.

Is everything made fresh?
Almost everything, nothing from frozen.

Are these your recipes?
Yes, all of them.

Is owner a free speech activist?
No, he believes in censorship. But boundaries should always be negotiated.

What do you mean?
He self-censors — he’s 90 percent transparent, and keeps 10 percent of his work to himself and a few others. He’ll release those works when and if he thinks it’s appropriate to do so.

Can I have a peak?
Sure, he’s working on “Oedipus Jones, that Motherfucker.” It’s an updated retelling of the Story of Oedipus Rex. It’s about a Black boy adopted by a White family who, for fun, name him Oedipus. The story begins with Oedipus bullied by schoolmate taunts of “motherfucker.” That’s as much as you need to know.

Do you deliver?
Yes, we offer free delivery for planned meal orders. Otherwise, Doordash is our preferred delivery vendor.

yam, kale, and beet chips

The secret life of a Juice Nazi (an investigative report) ((trigger warning — disturbing images inside))

Hi Everyone,

I spent 3 months posing as a neo-Nazi to infiltrate into the twisted, demented world of the The Juice Nazi. Here’s what I found, after he let me into his perverted secret world. Prepare to be disturbed and if you are, as you should be, I apologize. I know it’s a difficult job, but somebody has to rid the world of racist, fascist, misogynist, homophobic, transphobic, heteronormative, intersectionally inverted scum to make this world a safe space for morally pure revolutionaries like us.

He Abuses His Dog

His dog always looks sad like this.

His dog always looks sad because he abuses it. And not just physically, he doesn’t feed it certified fair labor and racist free dog food. The dog also told me that he’s actually a ferret in a dog’s body, but The Juice Nazi insists on taking him to dog parks that don’t have safe spaces for ferrets stuck in a dog’s body.

He Collects Memorabilia of Mass Murderers

I found this in one of his bathrooms. I think he worships Chairman Mao while he takes a shit. Disgusting.

And then there are posters of Chairman Mao, like the one on the left.

The painting on the above right isn’t Chairman Mao, but it’s nearly as evil: it’s of a Chinese soldier laughing after massacring thousands of woke student protestors. The Juice Nazi revels in death and destruction.

Above is another poster celebrating the life of Chairman “mass murderer” Mao. He has many more that are far more disturbing but I don’t want to overwhelm you by posting pictures of all of them.

He Graduated From One of the Most Racist, Sexist, Homophobic, and Transphobic Universities in the World.

It’s no surprise that The Juice Nazi was educated at homophobic, racist, and misogynist Milo Yiannapolous’s “favorite University in the world,” The University of Chicago. This sad excuse of an institution of higher education is one of the few unenlightened schools that doesn’t have safe spaces, offer trigger warnings, and won’t cancel visits by fascists.

Trigger warning: careful when reading parts I underlined.

This school is also known for graduating brainwashed Uncle Tom scholars like Thomas Sowell, who studied under renown anti-Semite Milton Friedman and continues to spew racist and misogynistic language at the Fascist Hoover Institute at Stanford University. I don’t know about you, but I get triggered every time I see a fascist wear a University of Chicago or a Stanford sweatshirt, we’ll work on banning those sweatshirts next. Power to the People!

Another racist book by Uncle Tom.

Racist Books by Anti-Semitic Authors (major trigger warning, really really disturbing images)

This is what I found on his bookshelf, written by renown anti-Semite Art Spiegelman.

I understand if you need to look away. I’m sorry if these images disturb you.

I didn’t want to look inside but I did anyway because I’m a Woke journalist. These books teach fascists how to murder Jews. And it dehumanizes Jews by depicting them as mice, making it seem as if murdering Jews is rodent control! What’s really disturbing is that it won the Pulitzer Prize in 1992, which shows you how fascist and in the dark AmeriKKKa was before the Woke Movement. We would never let that happen in 2021.

Fascist bookshelf by his bed

He has a book about bombs, which means he’s planning to commit acts of domestic terrorism. (I’ve already notified the FBI). A racist book about civil rights by self-described self-hating Uncle Tom Sowell. He even has a biography about Steve Bannon, which means he worships fascist Steve Bannon who got Trump elected.

He Does Yoga

The only reason why he does yoga is so he can leer at womyn’s behinds. He’s a pervert. Below is rare footage of the Juice Nazi.

Yoga while surrounded by images of a mass murderer. The green thing is his favorite sex toy.

Here he’s actually sucking his own dick because nobody else wants to suck it. Sucking one’s own dick is a common neo-Nazi practice.

His Facebook Searches and Music Mixes

He spends most of his time online searching for other Nazis to hang out with.

His playlist includes a song by Ministry that includes the following depraved lyrics (trigger warning):

Die! Die! Die! Die!
You said it!
Sedatives supplied become laxatives
My eyes shit out lies
I only kill to know I’m alive
So what? So what?
So what? So what?
Die! Die! Die! Die!

This is what Nazis listen to as they imagine committing genocide.

Formative Years

Was he always this way? Yes, I’m sad to say, he was, even as a teenager, and I don’t know if we can reform him, make him woke. Disturbing image below:

He likes getting his dick sucked while he’s taking a shit. It’s common Nazi sexual practice that I found in my research on Nazi sexuality.

His Closet

Typical closed minded heteronormative and transphobic choice of clothing. He’s so gender rigid that he doesn’t have any non-binary underwear, no “she” style panties and skirts. This is an obvious sign of misogyny and transphobia and that he’ll commit murderous acts against anyone who doesn’t fit neatly into his binary world of identities.

Final Thoughts

It’s been exhausting researching this, even more exhausting and deeply troubling to write it. But I hope we now have a better understanding of how the Juice Nazi thinks so we can put a stop to his genocidal plans. Peace out, writing for Antifa Broadcast Channel.

Are Vaccines Safe and Effective? (What We Can Learn from Japan)

According to Freakonomics Radio (Ep. 270, Bad Medicine, Part 3: Death by Diagnosis):

By some estimates, medical error is the third-leading cause of death in the U.S.

One of these estimates, from peer reviewed medical journal Studies in Health Technology and Informatics that’s found on NIH’s Pubmed site, states:

Recent studies of medical errors have estimated errors may account for as many as 251,000 deaths annually in the United States (U.S)., making medical errors the third leading cause of death. 


It gets better:

At the same time less than 10 percent of medical errors are reported.

So they implemented and tested an error reporting system and this is what they found.

This study describes the results of an investigation of the effectiveness of the implementation of the MEDMARX Medication Error Reporting system in 25 hospitals in Pennsylvania. Data were collected on 17,000 errors reported by participating hospitals over a 12-month period. Latent growth curve analysis revealed that reporting of errors by health care providers increased significantly over the four quarters. At the same time, the proportion of corrective actions taken by the hospitals remained relatively constant over the 12 months. 

People and institutions don’t change easily. That’s because — according to nearly every great philosopher (Rousseau excepted) and every enduring religion — people are born as fucktards and narcissism is our Original Sin. Narcissists hate to admit that they’re wrong.

So health care workers make a lot of mistakes. Which is to be expected because the practice AND study of Medicine is as much an Art (eg. Traditional Chinese Medicine relies more on intuition) as it is a Science (whereas Western medicine is evidence based). Medicine isn’t the same as Engineering. Engineering isn’t as complex as human physiology since there’s only one governing body of rules for Physics. In Medicine, one has to account for an individual’s genetic makeup AND personal history which makes proper health management difficult and thus incompetence likely. That’s why rogue General Practitioner Dr. Vernon Coleman argues that it’s better for your health to learn how your own body works than to trust doctors who just look to cookie cutter medical standards (eg. vaccines for all) without regarding you as an individual. (See Dr. Coleman’s book How to Stop Doctors from Killing You).

Add the considerable influence of American pharmaceutical companies to the mix and there’s going to be a lot of confusion and deadly mistakes.

Look at Nutrition Science as a parallel. In 1992, the USDA introduced to Americans the Food Pyramid. It looks like this:

Which led to the popularization of low-fat and high carb diets that may have enabled the obesity epidemic and raise the risk of heart disease by adversely affecting levels of blood lipids, LDL patterns, and HDL and triglycerides. So in 2011, they replaced it with My Plate, it looks like this:

Which is an improvement over the pyramid but still has recommendations that don’t make sense for a lot of people, like dairy for its calcium content (you can get plenty of calcium from cruciferous greens, nuts, and lots of other ingredients). Or the over-emphasis on lean meats, which from my observations, leads people to eat more sugary sauces and thus, more empty calories. Nutritionists don’t have an intuitive understanding of the emotional dimensions of how people eat because they don’t have to, they’re armchair chefs.

This essay isn’t about what the general public should and shouldn’t eat and which vaccines and pills to take and avoid. The point is, government and medical directives are always problematic. Don’t eat cheese and drink milk if you’re lactose intolerant. Listen to the sound of your your stomach and diarrhea, not to someone who doesn’t know you as an individual. Trust your intuition when it comes to your health. Whether or not taking a vaccine is a good option depends on individual circumstances.

What We Learn from the History of Medicine and Science Reform

First, medical advice is often wrong. During the Spanish pandemic of 1917-1918, doctors told people to smoke cigarettes because they thought it would help prevent infection. How many of you know someone who was prescribed meds (especially for depression and anxiety) and that didn’t turn out well? How did the opioid epidemic begin?

Second, great medical doctors, the ones who challenged the status quo, were at first mocked and dismissed as frauds. Take English physician John Snow, (15 March 1813 – 16 June 1858), a leader in the development of anesthesia and the improvement of medical hygiene. His findings led to advances in sanitation and cleaner water supplies which significantly reduced infection and mortality rates of diseases such as cholera.

There was a cholera outbreak in 1854. Snow was a skeptic of the then-dominant theory that diseases such as cholera and were caused by “bad air”.  Snow did on the ground research that few scientists bother to do — asking residents about their everyday lives — and correctly traced the outbreak to a well contaminated with feces. Still, after the epidemic subsided, government officials rejected Snow’s theory because the public was uncomfortable with the idea that disease can be transmitted from shit to mouth because back then, shit was everywhere.

It wasn’t until 1866 that one of Snow’s chief opponents realized the validity of his diagnosis while investigating another outbreak of cholera and issued immediate orders that unboiled water was not to be drunk.

Joseph Lister (5 April 1827 – 10 February 1912) was roundly honored in later life for his contributions to medicine. But his ideas about the transmission of infection and the use of antiseptics were widely criticized early in his career. In 1869, at the meetings of the British Association at Leeds, Lister’s ideas were mocked; and again, in 1873, the highly regarded and still in publication medical journal, The Lancet, warned the entire medical profession against his theories.

The Truth has always started as “fake news.”

Japan and Vaccines, What We can Learn

Here’s an article you can find on NIH’s Pubmed, A Review of Factors Affecting Vaccine Preventable Disease in Japan, published in peer reviewed journal Hawaii Journal of Publish Health (2014 Dec; 73(12): 376–381). It’s about why Japan is healthier than the US despite not vaccinating its citizens anywhere as much as the US does. Actually no, it’s about how American pharmaceutical companies can better infiltrate into the Japanese healthcare system. Excerpts from the article:

Japan ranks among the world leaders in the health of its citizens. The Japanese have the longest life expectancy and number of years lived in full health.1 Japan is among the leaders in the developed world in low obesity rates and low infant and cardiovascular disease mortality.24 The World Health Organization (WHO) ranked Japan first in overall health goal attainment among 191 countries in its most recent rankings in 2000.5

So Japs are the healthiest in the world. Yet the authors are confused as to why that’s the case because Japs don’t take as many vaccines as their peers do:

In stark contrast to these positive health indicators, Japan is also well known as a country with persistently high rates of vaccine preventable diseases (VPD) such as hepatitis B, measles, rubella, mumps, and varicella.68 The 2012–2013 rubella outbreak in Japan caused about 15,000 cases of rubella and 43 cases of congenital rubella syndrome.9 In June 2013, the US Centers for Disease Control (CDC) released an advisory against travel to Japan for expectant mothers who are not rubella-immune because of the risk of congenital rubella.

How can Japan have such a strong health record despite higher rates of preventable diseases? Unfortunately, the authors are so biased that they don’t consider why the Japanese are the healthiest yet get infected by preventable diseases at significant numbers. The way the authors phrase their questions and conclusions shows that they’re biased toward believing that vaccines are unequivocally good for public health. Anyway, here’s some of the data they collected about Japanese attitudes and government policies toward vaccination:

While no federal vaccination laws exist in the United States, all 50 states require certain vaccinations prior to the entry of children into public schools. However, there is no domestic legislation to enforce vaccination for children entering school in Japan. 

Japan doesn’t force vaccination on its children. On what some Japanese mothers think about vaccines:

In one study 33% of mothers reported an intent to fully vaccinate their children with 50% reporting a desire to vaccinate only for specific vaccines.54 In another study of parents who did not choose voluntary vaccinations, 39% worried about side effects, and 12.9% doubted the vaccine’s positive effects.33 Ten percent were motivated to acquire natural resistance to some voluntary vaccine pathogens…

In Japan, vaccination is a decision made by families, not the government. The authors, however, think Japanese mothers and health care providers are ignorant and need American education about medicine so they can improve public health. More condescending bullshit:

Health professionals may also have misperceptions of vaccines.55 Japanese medical providers do not always have a basic knowledge of vaccines such as the adverse effects, indication of vaccination, interval, or possibility of giving multiple vaccines on the same day.46 A qualitative study of Japanese resident physicians demonstrated low personal vaccination rates for measles and themes of lack of awareness of disease severity and fear of adverse effects

The authors make the conclusion that Japanese physicians are ignorant, that’s why they don’t get vaccinated. Even though earlier in the article, the authors tell you why the Japanese aren’t gung ho about vaccines.

In addition to the pertussis and MMR events, the Japanese government was sued several times in the 1980s and 1990s due to vaccine adverse events.19 Pressure by citizens and medical professionals led to the 1994 modification of the Preventive Immunization Law to make vaccination an individual responsibility instead of a mandatory act.17 Mass vaccination in regional Public Health Centers was replaced by vaccination by private physicians.

Put simply, the Japs found that sometimes the vaccine is more dangerous than the disease it’s supposed to eradicate. So the Japs were slow to introduce new vaccines, which the authors, whom I want to bitch slap for being morons, insist is a bad policy for Japan.

After the discontinuation of MMR and the change in the Preventive Immunization Law, new vaccines were introduced in Japan at much slower rates than in other developed countries. Between 1993 and 2007 there was a “vaccine gap”, and only two new vaccines were brought to the Japanese market (hepatitis A and a combination measles and rubella vaccine).19 In contrast, 17 new vaccines were introduced over the same time frame in the United States.19

Other precautions the Japanese have taken:

When two infants died within 24 hours of receiving DTwP in the winter of 1974–1975, the government suspended licensure of DTwP. Licensure was reinstated two months later with a change in the minimum recommended age from 3 months to 2 years as a precaution.

Which seems like a reasonable response. Whereas when kids die from a vaccine in the US, the parents get paid off to shut the fuck up (or else!) and it’s full speed ahead.

Even though Japan ranks number 1 in the world for health, the authors are arrogant enough to insist that the Japs are mismanaging their health care system and are ignorant about vaccines? The data presented in this article could’ve been used to question how the US mismanages its health care system and use of vaccines. Like what’s more dangerous, the vaccine or the infection, and how many vaccines is too much? How are these not legitimate concerns? The authors blew it, they could’ve asked what Americans can learn from Japan — the healthiest people in the world — about healthcare and vaccines. Instead, it’s yet another narcissistic call on how Americans can help others become more American. More patronizing bullshit (masquerading as cultural fucking sensitivity!):

Finally, Japanese parents may have attitudes towards vaccination that differ from many American parents, and providers should be prepared to address potential barriers to vaccination with cultural sensitivity.

But no “cultural sensitivity” for Americans who share similar concerns about vaccines as many in Japan do, they’re uneducated stupid rednecks who deserve eternity in a Covid infected fake-news Hell.

Are Vaccines Dangerous?

Is there controlled longitudinal safety data comparing vaccinated and unvaccinated groups that proves conclusively that vaccination is not associated with auto immune disorders, cancer, autism, depression, anxiety, chronic gastrointestinal issues, dementia, etc.? Please?

Who is Dr. Anthony Fauci?

According to Nobel Laureate Kary Mullis (1993, Medicine), Dr. Fauci is a fraud.

This video, BTW, is buried deep in Youtube’s and Google’s DO NOT WATCH pile. I found it using Duckduckgo search engine.

For those who can’t watch it:

“What is it about humanity that it wants to go to the all detail to stop and listen. Guys like Fauci get up there and start talking, and he doesn’t know anything really about anything, and I’d say that to his face. Nothing.

The man thinks you can take a blood sample and stick it in an electron microscope and if it’s got a virus in there, you will know it. He doesn’t understand electron microscopy and he doesn’t understand medicine. He should not be in a position like he’s in.

Most of those guys up there on the top are just total administrative people and they don’t know anything about what’s going on with the bottom. You know, those guys have got an agenda, which is not what we would like them to have, being that we pay for them to take care of our health in some way.

They’ve got a personal kind of agenda. They make up their own rules as they go. They change them when they want to and a smugly like Tony Fauci does not mind going on television in front of the people, face out, and lie directly into the camera.

You can’t expect the sheep to really respect the best and the brightest. They don’t know the difference, really. I mean, I like humans, don’t get me wrong. But basically, there is a vast, vast majority of them do not possess the ability to judge who is and who isn’t really a good scientist.”


What are you more bothered by, my use of a racial slur or the patronizing language used by the authors that’s passed off as “cultural sensitivity”?

New Location, New Menu for Alive Juice Bar

Construction still going on, aiming for Feb. 1st 2021 opening in downtown Everett. Photos and videos to keep you updated on build-out coming soon.

Some changes, some items remain the same. (There are a few of you interested in how a restaurant is run so this will be educational and descriptive).

Menu philosophy
Less is more and less tastes the best

Menu goals

  • maximize nutritional value per dollar spent by customer
  • simplify inventory management and minimize risk for the business


8 oz. Mini Salads, $3, tax included on all menu prices.

  • Chickpea salad: chickpeas, tomato, cucumber, lemon pepper dressing
  • Kale salad: kale, apple, hemp hearts, carrot, seasonal fruit (eg. pomegranates), miso dressing
  • Beat salad: pickled beets, parmesan
Kale Salad

32 oz. Robust Salads, $6, tax included

  • Ginger chicken salad: romaine, cucumber, carrots, almonds, pineapple, seasonal fruit, ginger soy dressing
  • Tofu chicken salad: romaine, carrots, cucumber, almonds, pineapple, seasonal fruit, ginger soy dressing
  • Vietnamese chicken salad: chicken, romaine, cucumber, carrots, almonds, lemon pepper dressing


16 oz. chips, $3

  • Yam,
  • Beet
  • Kale
Chips are made in house.

8 oz. trail mix, $3

Perfect Bars (peanut butter protein bars), $3

Perfect Bars come in three flavors, almond, dark chocolate, and peanut butter.

Lindt 85% cocoa dark chocolate, $3

8 oz. pineapple penises, $3

Your reward for eating your veggies.

Hempler’s, “no nitrates” uncured landjaeger, $2

“Nuts in a sack” – two organic hard boiled eggs, $2

Convenient costco eggs

Ask about fruit platters and 32 oz. jars of juice.


Black bean brownie, $3
Vegan and gluten-free, taste and texture just like a dark chocolate brownie.

“Raw” carrot cake, $3
Raw carrot fiber bonded with raw honey, ginger-lemon-almond frosting. And a sprinkle of cinnamon.

“Raw” carrot cake

24 oz. Smoothies, $7

Tropical Northwest
Apple, Pineapple, Banana, Carrot Juice

The Nasty Shit
If you insist on getting what the owner drinks. Additional $1 to fix the drink to your liking if you don’t like it.

Green Margarita
Kale/Collard Greens, Apple, Pineapple, Mango, Banana, Soy Milk

Kale Smoothie
Kale/Collard Greens, Apple, Orange, Banana, Mango, Ginger, Green-tea Carrot Juice

Tropical Breakfast
Orange, Pineapple, Banana, Carrot Juice

Tropical Bugs Bunny
Pineapple, Mango, Banana, Carrot Juice

Sleazy Slavik (is a) Dickhead
Cactus, Orange, Pineapple, Banana, Green Tea

Coconut Juice or Smoothie
Free range young Thai coconut hacked in front of you.


Juices $5.00 for 16 oz., $7.00 for 24 oz.  Served over ice. Ask for “no ice” if you don’t want ice.

Veggie Juice
Kale/Collard, Beet, Celery, Carrot, Lemon, Ginger

Attitude Cleanse
It’s the Veggie Juice with less carrot, more ginger, add cayenne (to your liking) and seasonal veggies of the day. It’s the least sweet of all the juices.

Green Energizer
Kale/Collard Greens, Apple, Celery, Cucumber, Lemon, Ginger

Phreaky Phil Dickhead
Pineapple, Carrot

The Basic Bitch
Carrot, Orange

The ExErcist
Kale/Collard, Beet, Celery Carrots, Apple, Lemon, Ginger

Celery Juice Only
Contains too much salt but if you really want us to make it, we will.


Detox Shots
$4.00 for double Turmeric-Ginger. Pineapple penis included.

Hot Drinks
$5.00 for 16 oz (tax included)

Green Awakening
Green tea, raw honey, lots of ginger, lemon

Protein shakes (smoothies with protein added), $7.00 for 24 oz.

Watermelon, Apple, Banana, Peanut Butter, Carrot Juice

Popeye’s Secret
Kale/Collard Green, Apple, Orange, Banana, Lemon, Mango, Ginger, Green-Tea Carrot Juice

Power Meal
Yam, Apple, Peanut Butter, Soy Milk

The Iditarod
Apple, Pineapple, Banana, Soy Milk

The Supermodel ($8)
Avocado, kale/collard green ginger, lemon, cucumber. No fruit.

Jamba Juice sells it, we don’t.   

Acai Bowls
Are stupid. I hate them, I want to buy one so I can throw it at someone.

Add-Ons, #1
Flax Seed
Extra peanut butter
Extra Protein
Vegan protein (instead of default whey protein)
Blessing (non-denominational)
Curse (non-denominational)
Good Service (includes smile and lasts 2 minutes)
Bad Service (your choice of being called “Fuckface” or “Monkey Jizz”)
Request to Change Music
Flirting (includes wink)


7 inch banana, average girth = 100
1 cup of mixed fruit = 100
2 tbl peanut butter = 200

Typical smoothie without greens = 250-300 calories.  More greens means fewer calories.

Farewell and LONG LIVE!!! (see you in downtown Everett, 2021)

Oct 23rd is our last day at present location. Thanks for the memories. This photo video commemorates an amazing 10 and a half years. We’re taking a vacation and will be back to fight fight FIGHT motherfucking Dragons in 2021!


Intro to upcoming book, The Customer is Usually Wrong: how to tell a customer to fuck off

It’s 1909, and a fuckface who owns a department store in London comes up with one of the dumbfuckingest slogans ever to promote his business: “The Customer is Always Right!” For this, I’m sending him to Hell in my upcoming novel: Paradise Frost: Satan as Santa, where he’ll spend eternity getting his dick licked by two pitbulls.

Think of it this way, would you get into a relationship with anyone under the stipulation that the other person is always right? Sure, if you’re a submissive into BDSM, and then only with someone you trust, not any random stranger. Because anyone who wants to be or thinks they’re always right is likely a psychopath.

Then why would a business enter into a Master and Servant relationship with their customers (as their Master)? To do so, after all, is to invite the customer to act like a psychopath whipping around her 10 inch cock for all to worship.

Because there are shortsighted business owners who don’t give a shit about their employees. These business owners let their employees lick Karen’s boots and get fucked up the ass by Karen’s black sized strap-on — sexual harassment, condescension, anything goes to make sure Karen doesn’t call the cops. This type of business owner is irresponsible and demented, sets civilization back by encouraging and normalizing psychopathic behavior and making good service difficult to give and appreciate. You can’t have a conversation with a psychopath, okay?

Once this slogan became popularized into an asinine dictum throughout the Anglo world, especially in the US, it institutionalized a style of service that’s obsequious, onerous, and fake. And mindless middle class Americans (from all income groups) love it because they are psychopaths, look at the mental health and substance abuse data for this demographic if you don’t believe me.

And how in the hell does a business improve itself and maintain its integrity if the “customer is always right?” Steve Jobs ignored focus groups because he knew that customers don’t know what they want when it hasn’t been invented. Besides, people tend to lie when they’re in a contextless environment, as most focus groups are. Sure, everyone tells the Sociofuckingologist they want to be healthy, that doesn’t mean any of them will do anything to improve their health. Psychopaths lie to be liked by others, they’re addicted to affirmation.

If the “customer is always right,” there wouldn’t be an Alive Juice Bar. No Attitude Cleanse, no Kale Smoothies — those aren’t drinks most people, not even 10 percent, want. And it’s not my job to give what the customer wants, if it were I’d be selling heroin and hos instead of peddling fruits and vegetables. My job is to expand people’s palates so they enjoy food more while eating nutritionally balanced meals. My vision is a place where people can explore what’s possible to eat, and not simply indulge in what they want to eat. None of this is possible if the “customer is always right.”

In fact, the customer is usually wrong and any business owner who doesn’t realize this must not be confident about his expertise. If you don’t know what you’re doing, if you’re not an artisan with superior knowledge and skill, then don’t go into business. Every business I patronize I expect the owner to know a lot more than I do about his craft, otherwise I’d do it myself. The business is the master, I’m the apprentice.

That said, this book is a collection of insults, curses, and blessings we’ve given to customers. Some customers paid us — $1 — to insult, curse, and bless them. Others received unsolicited insults and curses not because we want to insult or curse them, but because we want to use their bad reviews of Alive Juice Bar as marketing material to let people know what kind of place we are and who should and shouldn’t patronize it. They’re like rap battles to us.

The book is divided into three parts. Part I, Do You Love Me?, is a collection of love poems we’ve written to customers for $5. (Option available on Doordash). Part II, Insults and Disses, is a collection of exchanges we’ve had between customers on Yelp and Google Reviews. Part III, Curses and Blessings, has some of the $1 curses and blessings customers have purchased.

Comments welcome, can send them to Address the subject line with “Hey Asshole.”

NOW AVAILABLE: How to Make the Nasty Shit Taste Good, an Alive Juice Bar cookbook

This cookbook has most of the recipes created at Alive Juice Bar from its inception in 2010 to its closing (and relocation to downtown Everett, WA) in 2020. It’s a farewell present to the customers we’re leaving, a thank you for their patronage.  This cookbook is also a collection of memories to look back on and to show how we’ve evolved over the years.  

The title How to Make the Nasty Shit Taste Good references how most people relate to vegetables as food — they’re “nasty” and to be avoided.  According to the Center for Disease Control’s (CDC) data, just 12.2% of American adults are meeting the standard for fruit, and 9.3% are meeting the standard for vegetables.  (I consider CDC’s “standard” a low bar).  Alive Juice Bar’s mission, then, is to train those who hate eating veggies to *enjoy* eating them.  I say “train” because there’s a psychological element to people’s disdain for eating veggies, and palates can be trained to appreciate a variety of flavors, textures, and combinations.   

That said, use this cookbook judiciously.  Don’t assume that every recipe in here is going to be liked by everyone, or even by most people.  This cookbook isn’t a collection of the most popular hits — Alive Juice Bar has never tried to be popular — it’s an exploration of what’s possible for each of us to cook and eat.  I don’t expect everyone to like our Kale Smoothie, and I expect most to not like the Nasty Shit (what I drink every morning).        

Use the recipes as guides, not as hard rules.  Don’t hesitate to make adjustments according to your taste and dietary needs.  Add more apple and less kale if you prefer a sweeter drink.  And vice versa.  

Those interested in the psychological and political dimensions of cooking and eating should read the companion to this cookbook, How to Cook Like a Racist, available on Amazon, Kindle, and at Alive Juice Bar.  

We’ll also be publishing a third cookbook, which will have recipes from our upcoming restaurant The Soup Nazi Kitchen, hopefully by the end of 2020.  That cookbook will provide a much more in depth exploration of how we make our soups than does this one.  There’ll be 40 soup recipes in that one, whereas this one has four.  

Love and hate letters and comments welcomed.  Send to  

Bon Appetit and Cheers,