FAQ about Alive Juice Bar 3.0, downtown Everett

Where did Alive move from?
Shoreline, there for nearly 11 years.

Why did Alive move?
Good vibes from downtown Everett and most people here haven’t been infected with the Woke-Zombie disease spreading from Seattle.

Does Owner piss people off for free publicity?
No, but we’ll take the publicity.

Is the owner racist?
Don’t know.

How many times has the owner been in jail?
Why do you ask?

Why would you work for such a Monster?
Stockholm Syndrome

Is everything organic?
Sixty percent of ingredients are organic. Coconuts and pineapples, for instance, are not. Apples, carrots, kale are.

Is everything made fresh?
Almost everything, nothing from frozen.

Are these your recipes?
Yes, all of them.

Is owner a free speech activist?
No, he believes in censorship. But boundaries should always be negotiated.

What do you mean?
He self-censors — he’s 90 percent transparent, and keeps 10 percent of his work to himself and a few others. He’ll release those works when and if he thinks it’s appropriate to do so.

Can I have a peak?
Sure, he’s working on “Oedipus Jones, that Motherfucker.” It’s an updated retelling of the Story of Oedipus Rex. It’s about a Black boy adopted by a White family who, for fun, name him Oedipus. The story begins with Oedipus bullied by schoolmate taunts of “motherfucker.” That’s as much as you need to know.

Do you deliver?
Yes, we offer free delivery for planned meal orders. Otherwise, Doordash is our preferred delivery vendor.

yam, kale, and beet chips

The secret life of a Juice Nazi (an investigative report) ((trigger warning — disturbing images inside))

Hi Everyone,

I spent 3 months posing as a neo-Nazi to infiltrate into the twisted, demented world of the The Juice Nazi. Here’s what I found, after he let me into his perverted secret world. Prepare to be disturbed and if you are, as you should be, I apologize. I know it’s a difficult job, but somebody has to rid the world of racist, fascist, misogynist, homophobic, transphobic, heteronormative, intersectionally inverted scum to make this world a safe space for morally pure revolutionaries like us.

He Abuses His Dog

His dog always looks sad like this.

His dog always looks sad because he abuses it. And not just physically, he doesn’t feed it certified fair labor and racist free dog food. The dog also told me that he’s actually a ferret in a dog’s body, but The Juice Nazi insists on taking him to dog parks that don’t have safe spaces for ferrets stuck in a dog’s body.

He Collects Memorabilia of Mass Murderers

I found this in one of his bathrooms. I think he worships Chairman Mao while he takes a shit. Disgusting.

And then there are posters of Chairman Mao, like the one on the left.

The painting on the above right isn’t Chairman Mao, but it’s nearly as evil: it’s of a Chinese soldier laughing after massacring thousands of woke student protestors. The Juice Nazi revels in death and destruction.

Above is another poster celebrating the life of Chairman “mass murderer” Mao. He has many more that are far more disturbing but I don’t want to overwhelm you by posting pictures of all of them.

He Graduated From One of the Most Racist, Sexist, Homophobic, and Transphobic Universities in the World.

It’s no surprise that The Juice Nazi was educated at Milo Yiannapolous’s “favorite University in the world,” The University of Chicago. This sad excuse of an institution of higher education is one of the few unenlightened schools that doesn’t have safe spaces, offer trigger warnings, and won’t cancel visits by fascists.

Trigger warning: careful when reading parts I underlined.

This school is also known for graduating brainwashed Uncle Tom scholars like Thomas Sowell, who studied under renown anti-Semite Milton Friedman and continues to spew racist and misogynistic language at the Fascist Hoover Institute at Stanford University. I don’t know about you, but I get triggered every time I see a fascist wear a University of Chicago or a Stanford sweatshirt, we’ll work on banning those sweatshirts next. Power to the People!

Another racist book by Uncle Tom.

Racist Books by Anti-Semitic Authors (major trigger warning, really really disturbing images)

This is what I found on his bookshelf, written by renown anti-Semite Art Spiegelman.

I understand if you need to look away. I’m sorry if these images disturb you.

I didn’t want to look inside but I did anyway because I’m a Woke journalist. These books teach fascists how to murder Jews. And it dehumanizes Jews by depicting them as mice, making it seem as if murdering Jews is rodent control! What’s really disturbing is that it won the Pulitzer Prize in 1992, which shows you how fascist and in the dark AmeriKKKa was before the Woke Movement. We would never let that happen in 2021.

Fascist bookshelf by his bed

He has a book about bombs. A racist book about civil rights by self-described self-hating Uncle Tom Sowell. He even has a biography about Steve Bannon, which means he worships fascist Steve Bannon who got Trump elected.

He Does Yoga

The only reason why he does yoga is so he can leer at womyn’s behinds. He’s a pervert. Below is rare footage of the Juice Nazi.

Yoga while surrounded by images of a mass murderer. The green thing is his favorite sex toy.

Here he’s actually sucking his own dick because nobody else wants to suck it. Sucking one’s own dick is a common neo-Nazi practice.

His Facebook Searches and Music Mixes

He spends most of his time online searching for other Nazis to hang out with.

His playlist includes a song by Ministry that includes the following depraved lyrics (trigger warning):

Die! Die! Die! Die!
You said it!
Sedatives supplied become laxatives
My eyes shit out lies
I only kill to know I’m alive
So what? So what?
So what? So what?
Die! Die! Die! Die!

This is what Nazis listen to as they imagine committing genocide.

Formative Years

Was he always this way? Yes, I’m sad to say, he was, and I don’t know if we can reform him, make him woke. Disturbing image below:

He likes getting his dick sucked while he’s taking a shit. It’s common Nazi sexual practice that I found in my research on Nazi sexuality.

His Closet

Typical closed minded heteronormative and transphobic choice of clothing. He’s so gender rigid that he doesn’t have any non-binary underwear, no “she” style panties and skirts. This is an obvious sign of misogyny and transphobia and that he’ll commit murderous acts against anyone who doesn’t fit neatly into his binary world of identities.

Final Thoughts

It’s been exhausting researching this, even more exhausting and deeply troubling to write it. But I hope we now have a better understanding of how the Juice Nazi thinks so we can put a stop to his genocidal plans. Peace out, writing for Antifa Broadcast Channel.

Are Vaccines Safe and Effective? (What We Can Learn from Japan)

According to Freakonomics Radio (Ep. 270, Bad Medicine, Part 3: Death by Diagnosis):

By some estimates, medical error is the third-leading cause of death in the U.S.

One of these estimates, from peer reviewed medical journal Studies in Health Technology and Informatics that’s found on NIH’s Pubmed site, states:

Recent studies of medical errors have estimated errors may account for as many as 251,000 deaths annually in the United States (U.S)., making medical errors the third leading cause of death. 

2017;234:13-17

It gets better:

At the same time less than 10 percent of medical errors are reported.

So they implemented and tested an error reporting system and this is what they found.

This study describes the results of an investigation of the effectiveness of the implementation of the MEDMARX Medication Error Reporting system in 25 hospitals in Pennsylvania. Data were collected on 17,000 errors reported by participating hospitals over a 12-month period. Latent growth curve analysis revealed that reporting of errors by health care providers increased significantly over the four quarters. At the same time, the proportion of corrective actions taken by the hospitals remained relatively constant over the 12 months. 

People and institutions don’t change easily. That’s because — according to nearly every great philosopher (Rousseau excepted) and every enduring religion — people are born as fucktards and narcissism is our Original Sin. Narcissists hate to admit that they’re wrong.

So health care workers make a lot of mistakes. Which is to be expected because the practice AND study of Medicine is as much an Art (eg. Traditional Chinese Medicine relies more on intuition) as it is a Science (whereas Western medicine is evidence based). Medicine isn’t the same as Engineering. Engineering isn’t as complex as human physiology since there’s only one governing body of rules for Physics. In Medicine, one has to account for an individual’s genetic makeup AND personal history which makes proper health management difficult and thus incompetence likely. That’s why rogue General Practitioner Dr. Vernon Coleman argues that it’s better for your health to learn how your own body works than to trust doctors who just look to cookie cutter medical standards (eg. vaccines for all) without regarding you as an individual. (See Dr. Coleman’s book How to Stop Doctors from Killing You).

Add the considerable influence of American pharmaceutical companies to the mix and there’s going to be a lot of confusion and deadly mistakes.

Look at Nutrition Science as a parallel. In 1992, the USDA introduced to Americans the Food Pyramid. It looks like this:

Which led to the popularization of low-fat and high carb diets that may have enabled the obesity epidemic and raise the risk of heart disease by adversely affecting levels of blood lipids, LDL patterns, and HDL and triglycerides. So in 2011, they replaced it with My Plate, it looks like this:

Which is an improvement over the pyramid but still has recommendations that don’t make sense for a lot of people, like dairy for its calcium content (you can get plenty of calcium from cruciferous greens, nuts, and lots of other ingredients). Or the over-emphasis on lean meats, which from my observations, leads people to eat more sugary sauces and thus, more empty calories. Nutritionists don’t have an intuitive understanding of the emotional dimensions of how people eat because they don’t have to, they’re armchair chefs.

This essay isn’t about what the general public should and shouldn’t eat and which vaccines and pills to take and avoid. The point is, government and medical directives are always problematic. Don’t eat cheese and drink milk if you’re lactose intolerant. Listen to the sound of your your stomach and diarrhea, not to someone who doesn’t know you as an individual. Trust your intuition when it comes to your health. Whether or not taking a vaccine is a good option depends on individual circumstances.

What We Learn from the History of Medicine and Science Reform

First, medical advice is often wrong. During the Spanish pandemic of 1917-1918, doctors told people to smoke cigarettes because they thought it would help prevent infection. How many of you know someone who was prescribed meds (especially for depression and anxiety) and that didn’t turn out well? How did the opioid epidemic begin?

Second, great medical doctors, the ones who challenged the status quo, were at first mocked and dismissed as frauds. Take English physician John Snow, (15 March 1813 – 16 June 1858), a leader in the development of anesthesia and the improvement of medical hygiene. His findings led to advances in sanitation and cleaner water supplies which significantly reduced infection and mortality rates of diseases such as cholera.

There was a cholera outbreak in 1854. Snow was a skeptic of the then-dominant theory that diseases such as cholera and were caused by “bad air”.  Snow did on the ground research that few scientists bother to do — asking residents about their everyday lives — and correctly traced the outbreak to a well contaminated with feces. Still, after the epidemic subsided, government officials rejected Snow’s theory because the public was uncomfortable with the idea that disease can be transmitted from shit to mouth because back then, shit was everywhere.

It wasn’t until 1866 that one of Snow’s chief opponents realized the validity of his diagnosis while investigating another outbreak of cholera and issued immediate orders that unboiled water was not to be drunk.

Joseph Lister (5 April 1827 – 10 February 1912) was roundly honored in later life for his contributions to medicine. But his ideas about the transmission of infection and the use of antiseptics were widely criticized early in his career. In 1869, at the meetings of the British Association at Leeds, Lister’s ideas were mocked; and again, in 1873, the highly regarded and still in publication medical journal, The Lancet, warned the entire medical profession against his theories.

The Truth has always started as “fake news.”

Japan and Vaccines, What We can Learn

Here’s an article you can find on NIH’s Pubmed, A Review of Factors Affecting Vaccine Preventable Disease in Japan, published in peer reviewed journal Hawaii Journal of Publish Health (2014 Dec; 73(12): 376–381). It’s about why Japan is healthier than the US despite not vaccinating its citizens anywhere as much as the US does. Actually no, it’s about how American pharmaceutical companies can better infiltrate into the Japanese healthcare system. Excerpts from the article:

Japan ranks among the world leaders in the health of its citizens. The Japanese have the longest life expectancy and number of years lived in full health.1 Japan is among the leaders in the developed world in low obesity rates and low infant and cardiovascular disease mortality.24 The World Health Organization (WHO) ranked Japan first in overall health goal attainment among 191 countries in its most recent rankings in 2000.5

So Japs are the healthiest in the world. Yet the authors are confused as to why that’s the case because Japs don’t take as many vaccines as their peers do:

In stark contrast to these positive health indicators, Japan is also well known as a country with persistently high rates of vaccine preventable diseases (VPD) such as hepatitis B, measles, rubella, mumps, and varicella.68 The 2012–2013 rubella outbreak in Japan caused about 15,000 cases of rubella and 43 cases of congenital rubella syndrome.9 In June 2013, the US Centers for Disease Control (CDC) released an advisory against travel to Japan for expectant mothers who are not rubella-immune because of the risk of congenital rubella.

How can Japan have such a strong health record despite higher rates of preventable diseases? Unfortunately, the authors are so biased that they don’t consider why the Japanese are the healthiest yet get infected by preventable diseases at significant numbers. The way the authors phrase their questions and conclusions shows that they’re biased toward believing that vaccines are unequivocally good for public health. Anyway, here’s some of the data they collected about Japanese attitudes and government policies toward vaccination:

While no federal vaccination laws exist in the United States, all 50 states require certain vaccinations prior to the entry of children into public schools. However, there is no domestic legislation to enforce vaccination for children entering school in Japan. 

Japan doesn’t force vaccination on its children. On what some Japanese mothers think about vaccines:

In one study 33% of mothers reported an intent to fully vaccinate their children with 50% reporting a desire to vaccinate only for specific vaccines.54 In another study of parents who did not choose voluntary vaccinations, 39% worried about side effects, and 12.9% doubted the vaccine’s positive effects.33 Ten percent were motivated to acquire natural resistance to some voluntary vaccine pathogens…

In Japan, vaccination is a decision made by families, not the government. The authors, however, think Japanese mothers and health care providers are ignorant and need American education about medicine so they can improve public health. More condescending bullshit:

Health professionals may also have misperceptions of vaccines.55 Japanese medical providers do not always have a basic knowledge of vaccines such as the adverse effects, indication of vaccination, interval, or possibility of giving multiple vaccines on the same day.46 A qualitative study of Japanese resident physicians demonstrated low personal vaccination rates for measles and themes of lack of awareness of disease severity and fear of adverse effects

The authors make the conclusion that Japanese physicians are ignorant, that’s why they don’t get vaccinated. Even though earlier in the article, the authors tell you why the Japanese aren’t gung ho about vaccines.

In addition to the pertussis and MMR events, the Japanese government was sued several times in the 1980s and 1990s due to vaccine adverse events.19 Pressure by citizens and medical professionals led to the 1994 modification of the Preventive Immunization Law to make vaccination an individual responsibility instead of a mandatory act.17 Mass vaccination in regional Public Health Centers was replaced by vaccination by private physicians.

Put simply, the Japs found that sometimes the vaccine is more dangerous than the disease it’s supposed to eradicate. So the Japs were slow to introduce new vaccines, which the authors, whom I want to bitch slap for being morons, insist is a bad policy for Japan.

After the discontinuation of MMR and the change in the Preventive Immunization Law, new vaccines were introduced in Japan at much slower rates than in other developed countries. Between 1993 and 2007 there was a “vaccine gap”, and only two new vaccines were brought to the Japanese market (hepatitis A and a combination measles and rubella vaccine).19 In contrast, 17 new vaccines were introduced over the same time frame in the United States.19

Other precautions the Japanese have taken:

When two infants died within 24 hours of receiving DTwP in the winter of 1974–1975, the government suspended licensure of DTwP. Licensure was reinstated two months later with a change in the minimum recommended age from 3 months to 2 years as a precaution.

Which seems like a reasonable response. Whereas when kids die from a vaccine in the US, the parents get paid off to shut the fuck up (or else!) and it’s full speed ahead.

Even though Japan ranks number 1 in the world for health, the authors are arrogant enough to insist that the Japs are mismanaging their health care system and are ignorant about vaccines? The data presented in this article could’ve been used to question how the US mismanages its health care system and use of vaccines. Like what’s more dangerous, the vaccine or the infection, and how many vaccines is too much? How are these not legitimate concerns? The authors blew it, they could’ve asked what Americans can learn from Japan — the healthiest people in the world — about healthcare and vaccines. Instead, it’s yet another narcissistic call on how Americans can help others become more American. More patronizing bullshit (masquerading as cultural fucking sensitivity!):

Finally, Japanese parents may have attitudes towards vaccination that differ from many American parents, and providers should be prepared to address potential barriers to vaccination with cultural sensitivity.

But no “cultural sensitivity” for Americans who share similar concerns about vaccines as many in Japan do, they’re uneducated stupid rednecks who deserve eternity in a Covid infected fake-news Hell.

Are Vaccines Dangerous?

Is there controlled longitudinal safety data comparing vaccinated and unvaccinated groups that proves conclusively that vaccination is not associated with auto immune disorders, cancer, autism, depression, anxiety, chronic gastrointestinal issues, dementia, etc.? Please?

Who is Dr. Anthony Fauci?

According to Nobel Laureate Kary Mullis (1993, Medicine), Dr. Fauci is a fraud.

This video, BTW, is buried deep in Youtube’s and Google’s DO NOT WATCH pile. I found it using Duckduckgo search engine.

For those who can’t watch it:

“What is it about humanity that it wants to go to the all detail to stop and listen. Guys like Fauci get up there and start talking, and he doesn’t know anything really about anything, and I’d say that to his face. Nothing.

The man thinks you can take a blood sample and stick it in an electron microscope and if it’s got a virus in there, you will know it. He doesn’t understand electron microscopy and he doesn’t understand medicine. He should not be in a position like he’s in.

Most of those guys up there on the top are just total administrative people and they don’t know anything about what’s going on with the bottom. You know, those guys have got an agenda, which is not what we would like them to have, being that we pay for them to take care of our health in some way.

They’ve got a personal kind of agenda. They make up their own rules as they go. They change them when they want to and a smugly like Tony Fauci does not mind going on television in front of the people, face out, and lie directly into the camera.

You can’t expect the sheep to really respect the best and the brightest. They don’t know the difference, really. I mean, I like humans, don’t get me wrong. But basically, there is a vast, vast majority of them do not possess the ability to judge who is and who isn’t really a good scientist.”

Postscript

What are you more bothered by, my use of a racial slur or the patronizing language used by the authors that’s passed off as “cultural sensitivity”?

New Location, New Menu for Alive Juice Bar

Construction still going on, aiming for Feb. 1st 2021 opening in downtown Everett. Photos and videos to keep you updated on build-out coming soon.

Some changes, some items remain the same. (There are a few of you interested in how a restaurant is run so this will be educational and descriptive).

Menu philosophy
Less is more and less tastes the best

Menu goals

  • maximize nutritional value per dollar spent by customer
  • simplify inventory management and minimize risk for the business

SALADS

8 oz. Mini Salads, $3, tax included on all menu prices.

  • Chickpea salad: chickpeas, tomato, cucumber, lemon pepper dressing
  • Kale salad: kale, apple, hemp hearts, carrot, seasonal fruit (eg. pomegranates), miso dressing
  • Beat salad: pickled beets, parmesan
Kale Salad

32 oz. Robust Salads, $6, tax included

  • Ginger chicken salad: romaine, cucumber, carrots, almonds, pineapple, seasonal fruit, ginger soy dressing
  • Tofu chicken salad: romaine, carrots, cucumber, almonds, pineapple, seasonal fruit, ginger soy dressing
  • Vietnamese chicken salad: chicken, romaine, cucumber, carrots, almonds, lemon pepper dressing

SNACKS

16 oz. chips, $3

  • Yam,
  • Beet
  • Kale
Chips are made in house.

8 oz. trail mix, $3

Perfect Bars (peanut butter protein bars), $3

Perfect Bars come in three flavors, almond, dark chocolate, and peanut butter.

Lindt 85% cocoa dark chocolate, $3

8 oz. pineapple penises, $3

Your reward for eating your veggies.

Hempler’s, “no nitrates” uncured landjaeger, $2

“Nuts in a sack” – two organic hard boiled eggs, $2

Convenient costco eggs

Ask about fruit platters and 32 oz. jars of juice.

Deserts

Black bean brownie, $3
Vegan and gluten-free, taste and texture just like a dark chocolate brownie.

“Raw” carrot cake, $3
Raw carrot fiber bonded with raw honey, ginger-lemon-almond frosting. And a sprinkle of cinnamon.

“Raw” carrot cake

24 oz. Smoothies, $7

Tropical Northwest
Apple, Pineapple, Banana, Carrot Juice

The Nasty Shit
If you insist on getting what the owner drinks. Additional $1 to fix the drink to your liking if you don’t like it.

Green Margarita
Kale/Collard Greens, Apple, Pineapple, Mango, Banana, Soy Milk

Kale Smoothie
Kale/Collard Greens, Apple, Orange, Banana, Mango, Ginger, Green-tea Carrot Juice

Tropical Breakfast
Orange, Pineapple, Banana, Carrot Juice

Tropical Bugs Bunny
Pineapple, Mango, Banana, Carrot Juice

Sleazy Slavik (is a) Dickhead
Cactus, Orange, Pineapple, Banana, Green Tea

Coconut Juice or Smoothie
Free range young Thai coconut hacked in front of you.

Smoothies

Juices $5.00 for 16 oz., $7.00 for 24 oz.  Served over ice. Ask for “no ice” if you don’t want ice.

Veggie Juice
Kale/Collard, Beet, Celery, Carrot, Lemon, Ginger

Attitude Cleanse
It’s the Veggie Juice with less carrot, more ginger, add cayenne (to your liking) and seasonal veggies of the day. It’s the least sweet of all the juices.

Green Energizer
Kale/Collard Greens, Apple, Celery, Cucumber, Lemon, Ginger

Phreaky Phil Dickhead
Pineapple, Carrot

The Basic Bitch
Carrot, Orange

The ExErcist
Kale/Collard, Beet, Celery Carrots, Apple, Lemon, Ginger

Celery Juice Only
Contains too much salt but if you really want us to make it, we will.

Juices!

Detox Shots
$4.00 for double Turmeric-Ginger. Pineapple penis included.

Hot Drinks
$5.00 for 16 oz (tax included)

Green Awakening
Green tea, raw honey, lots of ginger, lemon

Protein shakes (smoothies with protein added), $7.00 for 24 oz.

Butterfinger
Watermelon, Apple, Banana, Peanut Butter, Carrot Juice

Popeye’s Secret
Kale/Collard Green, Apple, Orange, Banana, Lemon, Mango, Ginger, Green-Tea Carrot Juice

Power Meal
Yam, Apple, Peanut Butter, Soy Milk

The Iditarod
Apple, Pineapple, Banana, Soy Milk

The Supermodel ($8)
Avocado, kale/collard green ginger, lemon, cucumber. No fruit.

Wheatgrass
Jamba Juice sells it, we don’t.   

Acai Bowls
Are stupid. I hate them, I want to buy one so I can throw it at someone.

Add-Ons, #1
Flax Seed
Extra peanut butter
Almonds
Extra Protein
Vegan protein (instead of default whey protein)
Blessing (non-denominational)
Curse (non-denominational)
Good Service (includes smile and lasts 2 minutes)
Bad Service (your choice of being called “Fuckface” or “Monkey Jizz”)
Request to Change Music
Flirting (includes wink)

CALORIE GUIDE

7 inch banana, average girth = 100
1 cup of mixed fruit = 100
2 tbl peanut butter = 200

Typical smoothie without greens = 250-300 calories.  More greens means fewer calories.

Farewell and LONG LIVE!!! (see you in downtown Everett, 2021)

Oct 23rd is our last day at present location. Thanks for the memories. This photo video commemorates an amazing 10 and a half years. We’re taking a vacation and will be back to fight fight FIGHT motherfucking Dragons in 2021!

xoxo

Intro to upcoming book, The Customer is Usually Wrong: how to tell a customer to fuck off

It’s 1909, and a fuckface who owns a department store in London comes up with one of the dumbfuckingest slogans ever to promote his business: “The Customer is Always Right!” For this, I’m sending him to Hell in my upcoming novel: Paradise Frost: Satan as Santa, where he’ll spend eternity getting his dick licked by two pitbulls.

Think of it this way, would you get into a relationship with anyone under the stipulation that the other person is always right? Sure, if you’re a submissive into BDSM, and then only with someone you trust, not any random stranger. Because anyone who wants to be or thinks they’re always right is likely a psychopath.

Then why would a business enter into a Master and Servant relationship with their customers (as their Master)? To do so, after all, is to invite the customer to act like a psychopath whipping around her 10 inch cock for all to worship.

Because there are shortsighted business owners who don’t give a shit about their employees. These business owners let their employees lick Karen’s boots and get fucked up the ass by Karen’s black sized strap-on — sexual harassment, condescension, anything goes to make sure Karen doesn’t call the cops. This type of business owner is irresponsible and demented, sets civilization back by encouraging and normalizing psychopathic behavior and making good service difficult to give and appreciate. You can’t have a conversation with a psychopath, okay?

Once this slogan became popularized into an asinine dictum throughout the Anglo world, especially in the US, it institutionalized a style of service that’s obsequious, onerous, and fake. And mindless middle class Americans (from all income groups) love it because they are psychopaths, look at the mental health and substance abuse data for this demographic if you don’t believe me.

And how in the hell does a business improve itself and maintain its integrity if the “customer is always right?” Steve Jobs ignored focus groups because he knew that customers don’t know what they want when it hasn’t been invented. Besides, people tend to lie when they’re in a contextless environment, as most focus groups are. Sure, everyone tells the Sociofuckingologist they want to be healthy, that doesn’t mean any of them will do anything to improve their health. Psychopaths lie to be liked by others, they’re addicted to affirmation.

If the “customer is always right,” there wouldn’t be an Alive Juice Bar. No Attitude Cleanse, no Kale Smoothies — those aren’t drinks most people, not even 10 percent, want. And it’s not my job to give what the customer wants, if it were I’d be selling heroin and hos instead of peddling fruits and vegetables. My job is to expand people’s palates so they enjoy food more while eating nutritionally balanced meals. My vision is a place where people can explore what’s possible to eat, and not simply indulge in what they want to eat. None of this is possible if the “customer is always right.”

In fact, the customer is usually wrong and any business owner who doesn’t realize this must not be confident about his expertise. If you don’t know what you’re doing, if you’re not an artisan with superior knowledge and skill, then don’t go into business. Every business I patronize I expect the owner to know a lot more than I do about his craft, otherwise I’d do it myself. The business is the master, I’m the apprentice.

That said, this book is a collection of insults, curses, and blessings we’ve given to customers. Some customers paid us — $1 — to insult, curse, and bless them. Others received unsolicited insults and curses not because we want to insult or curse them, but because we want to use their bad reviews of Alive Juice Bar as marketing material to let people know what kind of place we are and who should and shouldn’t patronize it. They’re like rap battles to us.

The book is divided into three parts. Part I, Do You Love Me?, is a collection of love poems we’ve written to customers for $5. (Option available on Doordash). Part II, Insults and Disses, is a collection of exchanges we’ve had between customers on Yelp and Google Reviews. Part III, Curses and Blessings, has some of the $1 curses and blessings customers have purchased.

Comments welcome, can send them to foodyap@gmail.com. Address the subject line with “Hey Asshole.”

NOW AVAILABLE: How to Make the Nasty Shit Taste Good, an Alive Juice Bar cookbook

This cookbook has most of the recipes created at Alive Juice Bar from its inception in 2010 to its closing (and relocation to downtown Everett, WA) in 2020. It’s a farewell present to the customers we’re leaving, a thank you for their patronage.  This cookbook is also a collection of memories to look back on and to show how we’ve evolved over the years.  

The title How to Make the Nasty Shit Taste Good references how most people relate to vegetables as food — they’re “nasty” and to be avoided.  According to the Center for Disease Control’s (CDC) data, just 12.2% of American adults are meeting the standard for fruit, and 9.3% are meeting the standard for vegetables.  (I consider CDC’s “standard” a low bar).  Alive Juice Bar’s mission, then, is to train those who hate eating veggies to *enjoy* eating them.  I say “train” because there’s a psychological element to people’s disdain for eating veggies, and palates can be trained to appreciate a variety of flavors, textures, and combinations.   

That said, use this cookbook judiciously.  Don’t assume that every recipe in here is going to be liked by everyone, or even by most people.  This cookbook isn’t a collection of the most popular hits — Alive Juice Bar has never tried to be popular — it’s an exploration of what’s possible for each of us to cook and eat.  I don’t expect everyone to like our Kale Smoothie, and I expect most to not like the Nasty Shit (what I drink every morning).        

Use the recipes as guides, not as hard rules.  Don’t hesitate to make adjustments according to your taste and dietary needs.  Add more apple and less kale if you prefer a sweeter drink.  And vice versa.  

Those interested in the psychological and political dimensions of cooking and eating should read the companion to this cookbook, How to Cook Like a Racist, available on Amazon, Kindle, and at Alive Juice Bar.  

We’ll also be publishing a third cookbook, which will have recipes from our upcoming restaurant The Soup Nazi Kitchen, hopefully by the end of 2020.  That cookbook will provide a much more in depth exploration of how we make our soups than does this one.  There’ll be 40 soup recipes in that one, whereas this one has four.  

Love and hate letters and comments welcomed.  Send to foodyap@gmail.com.  

Bon Appetit and Cheers,

Love Poem to My Customers

Three weeks left, we close Shoreline location Oct. 23rd. Reopen in downtown Everett, aiming for Jan. 1st, along with new baby, The Soup Nazi Kitchen. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram for updates. In the meantime, we’ll celebrate 10 and a half years. Then we’ll prepare for the future. xoxo

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Surreal and euphoric, this time has been
Audacious beginnings, we near the end
Rarefied and risque, that’s who we are
Impish and ironic, it’s worked thus far
Nimble and shrewd, we’ll continue to be
Adroit as we move on, for all the see

Innocuous, we’ve never and are not

Lewd and lascivious, that’s been our style
Opprobrium we welcome, makes us smile
View us with disdain, hate us with slow rage
Everything the critics say, we’ll upstage

Yonder we now go, I’ll miss ya’ll so much
Obstreperous, I vow, we’ll always be
Until next time, promise to stay in touch

Answers to application questions

This is how sane, highly functional people think about themselves and others. Ask: who is more likely to live life as one of the working poor with all sorts of mental health problems, the person who thinks the CEO of Walmart works 40 hours a week, or the one who thinks he works 100 hours a week?

Your son is sick. What do you do?
a) stay home with him to dote on him until he gets better
b) let him die, he’s going to be a meth addict anyway
c) have him get better in the spare room in the basement, throw out his favorite toy

Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”

Why are unhappy people chronically unhappy?
a) They think they should be happy all the time
b) They’re stressed out all the time
c) They’re poor

You move to another city and your child enrolls in a new school. He was a B and C student at his previous school, he’s now a straight A student. What do you do?
a. Congratulate him for being so smart and working so hard.
b. Tell him that this school must have low standards and put him in another school.
c. Tell him teachers at previous school were idiots, this is a much better school.

The bus shows up 10 minutes late, making you 10 minutes late to work. Whose fault is it that you’re late?
a) Bus driver’s
b) Traffic’s
c) My fault

Customer walks in (you don’t know his name). How do you greet him?
a) Hey!
b) Hello sir, how are you this evening?
c) Wussup, fuckface?

Customer greets you with: “Hi, how are you?” How do you respond?
a) I’m doing very well, thank you. How are you?
b) What do you want?
c) I’m making rice and beans. Try some!

Your co-worker moved something to wrong place and you know it’s in the wrong place. Manager asks why it’s in the wrong place. How do you respond?
a) She put it there, not me.
b) I don’t know, no idea how it got there.
c) I’ll move it.

Owner teaches you to make something one way. Manager teaches you to do it another way. You’re working with the manager, owner is watching. Whose way do you follow?
a) Manager’s
b) Owner’s
c) Do your own thing, show them you’re a superstar!

Jane walks in and orders two 32 oz jars of juice, which will take you 15 minutes to make. Jared walks in immediately after she places her order and orders a small juice, which takes 2 minutes to make. Sam enters immediately after Jared places his order and orders a smoothie, which takes 30 seconds to make, whom do you serve first?
a) Jane
b) Jared
c) Sam

You’re the principal of the school. You visit a class where students are either goofing off or sleeping. What do you do?
a) Tell everyone that anyone who doesn’t pay attention will get failing grade for the day.
b) Don’t do anything. Privately tell teacher that he sucks at teaching, that’s why nobody is listening.
c) Explain to students why it’s important for them to pay attention to their teachers.

How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
a)100
b)70
c)40

How many hours a week does Taylor Swift work?
a) 100
b)70
c)40

Your car battery dies so you’re late for work. Whose fault is it you’re late?
a) Nobody’s, sometimes shit happens
b) The battery’s.
c) My fault

Customer asks you what’s the most popular drink. How do you respond?
a) Tell him what you think is most popular.
b) Ask him which flavors he prefers.
c) Ask the manager to answer his question.

As you’re focused on a complicated order, condescending customer tells you that you should smile more if you want a tip. How do you respond?
a) “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day.”
b) Smile more.
c) Ask her if she’d like a side order of “Fuck Off” to go with her order.

How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
b) Never. Hire me and you’ll see my awesomeness.
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.

What happens when school district gives middle-class high school students their own laptops?
a) Playing field is leveled, they perform almost as well as those rich privileged kids at elite private school like Lakeside.
b) They use it to watch movies and play games, no change in academic performance.
c) They perform worse, laptops make people stupid.

Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) I’m not stupid.
c) I’m too lazy to ask enough questions.

How do you produce kids who will become confident adults with healthy self-esteem?
a) Tell them how amazing, wonderful and special they are.
b) Set higher and higher expectations and expect them to achieve them.
c) Try to build a stress free environment for them so they can achieve their goals.

How do you improve overall academic performance at a school?
a) Increase funding so facilities can be improved.
b) Increase number of Asian (from Confucian cultures only) students
c) Increase salaries so teachers perform better

Your partner tells you you’re lazy. How do you respond?
a) Takes on to know one, asshole.
b) How am I lazy?
c) You never see all the things I do for you.

Who will most likely grow up to be batshit crazy?
a. Asian kid who gets bitch slapped for getting a “B” because “B” is for Bitch.
b. Black kid molested by his football coach
c. Middle-class White kid who gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

Someone leaves knives in soapy water. What do you do to make sure that person never does it again?
a) Tell her that doing that can hurt someone, that she needs to think about the consequences of her actions.
b) Lock her in the freezer for an hour.
c) Fill sink with soapy water and knives. Have her wash knives.

Your 8 year old is new at school. He gets shoved out of lunch line and is told to get to the back. He responds by beating the shit out of the kid who bullied him. What’s your response?
a) Ground him and make him apologize to kid he beat up.
b) Tell him he did the right thing and to never worry about lawsuits, you’ll take care of those if they come up.
c) Have your kid apologize to the kid he beat up and have them talk it out. End with hug.
.
Your daughter loves gymnastics and is about to enter her first meet. She’s confident about winning and even thought about the perfect place to hang her blue ribbon. While she did well, she didn’t medal, and was devastated. What do you, as a parent, tell her?
a) Tell her you thought she was the best
b) Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.
c) Tell her she doesn’t deserve to win because she didn’t work hard enough.

What should Mother say to get her son to eat something he doesn’t want?
a. Drink that kale smoothie or I’ll kick your ass.
b. Drink that kale smoothie if you want to grow a nine inch cock and find a girlfriend who’ll ride it.
c. Baby, drink that kale smoothie, it’s good for you, do it for mommy, ok?

Who is most likely batshit crazy?
a. Tiffany
b.Olga
c.Phuc-Dat Bich (real name)

Who is most likely suicidal?
a. Carmela, she’s a prostitute
b. Jimmy, he’s a social justice activist
c. Tyrone, he’s in jail

The Soup *Blank* Kitchen FAQs

Why did you take off the “word” Nazi?
The sign was putting neighbors in danger — there was a drive by shooting and graffiti last night — and we don’t need police officers getting hurt if a mob shows up. I feel bad about inconveniencing people and grateful that my neighbors are so patient with me. (Oh the perils of letting Andrew be Andrew).

What’s the new name going to be?
I don’t know? A customer had an excellent suggestion: Alive Soups. Leaning toward that, as it differentiates and links brands. Still tempted to experiment with, just to see how differently people would react:

  • Soup Lenin Kitchen
  • Soup Mao Kitchen
  • Soup British Kitchen
  • Soup Korean Kitchen

Would there be double standards? Probably. I mean, I consider the Brits the most murderous and racist empire — colonialism was justified by racism — of the past two centuries. How problematic would Korean xenophobia be? Point is, if we go by a single standard, there wouldn’t be many words left to choose from. Every regime has blood on its hands, every person has sinned, and all words can be interpreted as diabolical.

Why didn’t you stick with the original name and debate the triggered?
People rarely want to debate, it’s usually a waste of time.

Do you get triggered by words and images?
I don’t know. I watched a BBC piece on China the other day and their coverage, which I found unfair, and it made me angry and frustrated. So I feel emotions. But is that the same as being triggered? I’m not sure what triggered means.

Is the censorship going to get worse?
I don’t think so, trends run in cycles. And Bill Mayer, a liberal, is starting to push back at the cancel culture movement.

Will the controversy generate more business?
Everyone in Everett knows who I am now but don’t know if it’ll generate more or less business.

Was it worth it?
I don’t know.