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virginiawoolf

Who is she?  Extra points if you know who she is.

Not actively seeking to hire right now.  Manager position $15-18/hour plus tips. Staff position is $11.50-$14/hour plus tips. Assistant position is $11.50 no tips.

More of a mix of Continental European and American Redneck styles of service than stupid suburban American style. Meaning, don’t waste time and hide incompetence behind fake smiles and vacant small talk. Get shit done right.

Apply if you want to learn how to:

* Hack open a coconut with a badass butcher knife
* Stop whining about stupid shit
* Stop making lame excuses
* Call a customer a Fuck-Face when asked to do so
* Make kale and yam chips
* Give memorable great service
* Give will be remembered on death bed shitty service
* Learn to ask good questions
* Not tolerate middle-class manners and sensibilities
* Stop talking like a pompous fucktard
* Listen and comprehend
* Make juices and smoothies from scratch
*Write a resume and cover letter

Perks: free drinks, some free food. Free dance classes in our dance studio, free use of dance studio during off peak hours. Field trips to cool restaurants so you learn about interesting food. Mostly regular customers. A lot of good looking customers. Interesting customers too because we’ve ejected most of the shitheads.

Below are our application questions. Boldface your answers, like this:

Which color ball do you prefer?
a) This one
b) That one
c) This is a stupid question.

Pick one answer only. Don’t make up your own answers.

Customer walks in (you don’t know his name). How do you greet him?
a) Hey!
b) Hello sir, how are you this evening?
c) Wussup, fuckface?

The bus shows up 10 minutes late, making you 10 minutes late to work. Whose fault is it that you’re late?
a) Bus driver’s
b) Traffic’s
c) My fault

Customer greets you with: “Hi, how are you?” How do you respond? 
a) I’m doing very well. How are you?
b) What do you want?
c) I’m making rice and beans. Try some!

Your co-worker moved something to wrong place and you know it’s in the wrong place. Manager asks why it’s in the wrong place. How do you respond?
a) She put it there, not me.
b) I don’t know, no idea how it got there.
c) I’ll move it.

Owner teaches you to make something one way. Manager teaches you to do it another way. You’re working with the manager, owner is watching. Whose way do you follow?
a) Manager’s
b) Owner’s
c) Do your own thing, show them you’re a superstar!

Jane walks in and orders two 32 oz jars of juice, which will take you 15 minutes to make. Jared walks in immediately after she places her order and orders a small juice, which takes 2 minutes to make. Sam enters immediately after Jared places his order and orders a smoothie, which takes 30 seconds to make, whom do you serve first?
a) Jane
b) Jared
c) Sam

Cassie’s daughter is throwing ice cubes at other customers. What do you do?
a) Tell them to “get the fuck out.”
b) Politely ask Cassie to tell her daughter to stop
c) Throw ice cubes at them.

You’re the principal of the school. You visit a class where students are either goofing off or sleeping. What do you do?
a) Tell everyone that anyone who doesn’t pay attention will get failing grade for the day.
b) Don’t do anything. Privately tell teacher that he sucks at teaching, that’s why nobody is listening.
c) Explain to students why it’s important for them to pay attention to their teachers.

You’re sampling drinks. What do you say to get someone to try one?
a) “Hi, would you like to try this?
b) “Try this.”
c) “Drink this or I’ll hit you.”

You notice someone checking out your ass as you’re making drink. What should you do?
a) Continue as usual
b) Tell him to stop because it’s making you uncomfortable.
c) Wiggle it.

Your car battery dies so you’re late for work. Whose fault is it you’re late?
a) Nobody, sometimes shit happens
b) The battery’s.
c) My fault

Customer asks you what’s the most popular drink. How do you respond?
a) Tell him what you think is most popular.
b) Ask him which flavors he prefers.
c) Ask the manager to answer his question.

As you’re focused on a complicated order, condescending customer tells you that you should smile more if you want a tip. How do you respond?
a) “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day.”
b) Smile more.
c) Ask her if she’d like a side order of “Fuck Off” to go with her order.

Customer who doesn’t know what to order asks you what your favorite drink is. How do you respond?
a) Tell him your favorite drink
b) Ask him which flavors he prefers
c) Tell him you’ll tell him if he tips you $10.

What matters most to MOST customers when buying something to eat?
a) taste
b) cost
c) how healthy it is.

What’s the appropriate way to talk to co-worker?
a) Hey, would you mind getting me some beets when you get a chance?
b) Hey fucktard, get me some beets or I’ll hit you.
c) Get beets now.

How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
b) Never. Hire me and you’ll see my awesomeness.
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.

Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) I’m not stupid.
c) I’m too lazy to ask enough questions.

How do you produce kids who will become confident adults with healthy self-esteem?
a) Tell them how amazing, wonderful and special they are.
b) Set higher and higher expectations and expect them to achieve them.
c) Try to build a stress free environment for them so they can achieve their goals.

How do you produce kids who will become batshit crazy as adults?
a) Tell them how wonderful and special they are, all the time.
b) Beat the shit out of them
c) Ignore them

How do you improve academic performance at a school?
a) Increase funding so facilities can be improved.
b) Increase number of (real) Asian students
c) Increase salaries so teachers perform better

Your partner tells you you’re lazy. How do you respond?
a) Takes on to know one, asshole.
b) How am I lazy?
c) You never see all the things I do for you.

An employee leaves sharp knives in soapy water.  What should you say to her?
a. Please don’t do that again, it’s dangerous, someone can get hurt.
b. If you’re being sadistic and want to see blood, fine.  If not, you’re a self-absorbed knucklehead.
c. Do that again and I’ll kill you with the knife I find in the water.

Technician finally calls you back. He asks: Hi, how are you doing today?” How do you respond?
a) I’m fine, how are you today?
b) How do I fix this problem?
c) This problem is driving me crazy. Because of your fucked up system, I can’t get to school on-time, my cat took a dump on my pillow, and I hate my parents and my life!

Who will most likely grow up to be batshit crazy?
a. Asian kid who gets bitch slapped for getting a “B” because “B” is for Bitch.
b. Black kid molested by his football coach
c. Middle-class White kid who gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

Someone leaves knives in soapy water. What do you do to make sure that person never does it again?
a) Tell her that doing that can hurt someone, that she needs to think about the consequences of her actions.
b) Lock her in the freezer for an hour.
c) Fill sink with soapy water and knives. Have her wash knives.

Your 8 year old is new at school. He gets shoved out of lunch line and is told to get to the back. He responds by beating the shit out of the kid who bullied him. What’s your response?
a) Ground him and make him apologize to kid he beat up.
b) Tell him he did the right thing and to never worry about lawsuits, you’ll take care of those if they come up.
c) Have your kid apologize to the kid he beat up and have them talk it out. End with hug.
.
Your daughter loves gymnastics and is about to enter her first meet. She’s confident about winning and even thought about the perfect place to hang her blue ribbon. While she did well, she didn’t medal, and was devastated. What do you, as a parent, tell her?
a) Tell her you thought she was the best
b) Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.
c) Tell her she doesn’t deserve to win because she didn’t work hard enough.

What should Mother say to get her son to eat something he doesn’t want?
a. Drink that kale smoothie or I’ll kick your ass.
b. Drink that kale smoothie if  you want to grow a nine inch cock and find a girlfriend who’ll ride it.
c. Baby, drink that kale smoothie, it’s good for you, do it for mommy, ok?

Who is most likely batshit crazy?
a. Tiffany
b.Olga
c.Phuc-Dat

Who is most likely suicidal?
a. Carmela, she’s a prostitute
b. Jimmy, he’s a social justice activist
c. Tyrone, he’s in jail

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