Frequently Asked Questions XVI

Roxanne G.

What’s Roxanne G. writing now?
She’s working on Frankendog: Tails of Horror, Macabre, and Mayhem.

What’s it about?
Hit and run leaves guy and his dog nearly dead in middle of the road.  Dr. Frankenstein (great grandson of original Dr. F) finds them.  Instead of taking them to hospital, he takes them to his basement laboratory to stitch the guy and his dog together to create Frankendog. Horror and mayhem ensue as Frankendog runs away to find and terrorize the teens who left him for dead.

lostdog

Have you seen Frankendog?

Is Roxanne G. a slut?
We don’t know much about her sexual exploits.

Can I have her number?
No.

Food, Free Speech, and Thug Kitchen Cookbooks

You selling Thug Kitchen cookbooks during holiday season?
Yes, all three, including Fast as Fuck and Thug Kitchen Party Grub: For Social Motherfuckers

Is it true Social Justice Warriors threatened to protest Thug Kitchen book signings? 
Yes.

Why would they do that?  It’s just a cookbook!
The White authors were accused of:

  • Performing Internet black-face
  • Cultural appropriation
  • Racial stereotyping

Authors of Thug Kitchen cookbooks. The new faces of racism, according to Social Justice Warriors. And why is her mouth so wide open?

 

Will People Think I’m a Racist if I Buy It?
Why do you care?

Why Did Authors Name Their Cookbook “Thug Kitchen”? 
To break the stereotype of vegans being White and meek (which authors are) so that those who don’t identify as White and meek will try vegan food.

How Should I Eat Pho Without Offending Anyone?
Why do you care?

(We’ll address the Bon Appetit article on eating pho that caused so much outrage in another post).

Business Tactics

Why do you guys troll customers on Yelp?
Marketing tactic and customer filtering system. And it’s entertaining.

Does it work?
Yes, especially at first.  Less effective later because it gets old, unless you come up with new content (which we need to do).

Why does it work?
The controversy increases shares on social media.  NO publicity is the worst publicity.  Here’s an article on how it works by a PR professional who made Tucker Max’s book “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” a NYTimes best-seller: I Helped Create Milo Trolling Playbook….

Is this why the owner tries to be so offensive?
He actually doesn’t try to be offensive. He just describes what he observes as precisely and accurately as possible. Which some find funny, others offensive.  Either way, it draws more readers.

Don’t read this book.  It’s offensive.

General

Why is Alive Juice Bar also known as the Redneck Juice Bar? 
We promote Redneck values that built this great nation. That’s why we tell people to stop sending kids to stupid colleges to get stupid degrees when they can get redneck jobs that are useful and pay 100k a year.  To stop using euphemisms and pretentious speech that blur reality and inflate self-esteem.

We’re also showing solidarity with a group that gets bullied and unfairly blamed for every problem imaginable.

I’m not White.  Can I be a Redneck?
Yes, you can be of any color.  Cutest scene at the Juice Bar: two Asian women, one from Missouri the other from Georgia, arguing about which one of the two is more rednecky.  And one is wearing a business suit.

What are Redneck values?
We’ll publish a Redneck Manifesto soon.

Still looking for a place to open Redneck Bistro?
Yes.

A yelper accused owner of sending her harassing e-mails posing as Donald Trump.  True?
Nah, if he were to he’d pose as Milo.  But he thinks he knows who sent it, if she’s not lying.

Is owner teaching Gangnam Style dance at Ruby Pop Up Dance event Friday 7:30pm Nov. 3rd?  
Yes, but for only 3 minutes.  That’s all the time the Ruby Dance instructor would give him.

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The Alive Juice Bar Diet

Here’s how people are fucking things up in their own fucked up way: having *dessert for breakfast.*

Examples:

*Muffin and coffee
*Sugary cereal w/milk and orange juice
* Donut and coffee
* Pancakes or waffles w/syrup, orange juice, coffee, and bacon

All of the above are desserts.  And that’s what most Americans are having for breakfast.  When you have dessert for breakfast, you become emotionally unstable.  When you’re emotionally unstable, you crave comfort  — from sugar to heroin to alcohol — anything to alleviate the pain and anxiety.  Some person once said:

Rob Faigin and others have postulated that having obscene amounts of sugar and carbohydrate over long periods of time can max out our serotonin machinery, leaving us unhappy, carb-craving, and depressed.

Another person said something similar to above:

Serotonin acts as a neurotransmitter, relaying signals from one area of the brain to another. Researchers believe that an imbalance in serotonin levels can cause depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic anxiety disorder and anger management issues.

And scientists at Bartles and James University fed one group of lab mice salads and another group of lab mice muffins and found that

…the mice who ate salad for a month were able to run on wheel 74 percent longer than the muffin group.  These mice also produced 84 percent more offspring.  They also smiled 58 percent more often, and were 77 percent less likely to strangle another.

Point is, having dessert for breakfast will make you batshit crazy.  So don’t do it.  Yet people will continue to do it — especially if getting up sucks — because it’s like heroin.  It’s a psychological pain killer.

They eat veggies. That’s why they’re happy.

Breakfast That Won’t Make You Batshit Crazy

Someone once wrote:

…a new study from scientists in England and Australia finds that simply eating more fruit and vegetables can dramatically improve your level of happiness. The researchers claim the effect is so powerful that people who went from eating zero servings of fruit and vegetables a day to eight servings per day experienced an increase in happiness and satisfaction “equivalent to moving from unemployment to employment.”

So why not have salad and a protein (like an egg) for breakfast?  Here’s a protein shake recipe:

*avocado (as thickener)
* random veggies (broccoli, asparagus, cauliflower, whatever)
* almond or soy milk (any liquid as long as it’s not fruit juice)
* random fruit (if you prefer sweeter version)
* protein powder
* adjust ratios based on taste and texture preferences

That’s a nutritionally complete breakfast.  It has enough fat (from avocado), protein, and a lot of fiber.  And the nutrients to keep you happy and healthy instead of crashing after a couple of hours.  If you don’t like protein powder, pair the salad with an egg or chicken soup — whatever, as long as you’re getting protein.  It’s important to pair the salad with a protein.

She doesn’t eat veggies. And she had a donut for breakfast. That’s why her cat took a shit in her shoes.

The Alive Juice Bar Diet: Start and End With Salad

Meal 1: Salad + Protein.

Meal 2: Whatever you want.

Meal 3: Whatever you want.

Meal 4: Salad (can be merged with Meal 3)

Whatever you want for the Second Meal because I’m betting that you’ll be able to self-regulate if you start your day with a salad.  You won’t be an emotional mess when you eat that second meal so you’ll exercise better judgment and control.  You’ll also feel full faster because you’re not nutritionally depleted and therefore eat less.

Or think of Second Meal as a reward for starting your morning right.

Try it.  If you don’t feel better after a month, we’ll give you a $100 gift card.

They’re eating veggies.

 

 

College is a Scam

In 1517, a monk named Martin Luther announced that the Catholic Church is a scam. Said church was scamming people by telling them that their sins can be atoned if they pay the church enough money.  Year 2017, the scam continues, except now it’s the University (which has its origins in the Church) scamming people by telling them they’ll never live The Dream if they don’t have a college degree.  That they can’t do this and that if they don’t have a degree in this and that.

Scams work because people are scared.  Look to the past to know how scared people are and who the scammers are today. People don’t change.

How the Catholic Church Scammed People

They told everyone that they need the Church to achieve salvation and to live a good life.  That one can’t earn God’s grace on one’s own. The scam worked because it offered an easy way out for those who wanted salvation without taking full responsibility for their fuck ups.  When paying the Church didn’t lead to a good life, people reasoned that it was because they didn’t pay the Church enough money.

How Universities Scam People

Same shit happening today, except it’s the University instead of the Church scamming people.  Here are some parallels:

Church says: You will be punished for your sins if you don’t pay us to atone them.  

University says: You will never live a comfortable middle class life if you don’t have a college degree

Church says: Bad shit happened to you even after you confessed your sins because you didn’t pay us enough

University says: You’re still flipping burgers after your college degree because you need a Masters degree to work in your field of study.  

Church says: One cannot know God except through the Church

University says: One cannot receive an education and become learned except at college

Church says: Only we can interpret the Bible for you.  

University says: Only we can teach you how to do that job and to read that book.  

Church says: You’ll never live a good life or find salvation if you join the Protestant Church (Protestant nations are wealthier than Catholic ones)

University says: You’ll never live a good life if you work redneck jobs like underwater welding (which pays $150,000/year)

Church says: Money you give us will help the poor

University says: Money you give us will educate the poor

Church says: You’re a heretic if you don’t believe us.

University says: You’re stupid if you don’t have a college degree.

The University takes responsibility for educating oneself away from the individual and offers an easy but expensive way for someone to appear intelligent, educated, and cultured without actually being any of those things.  They’ve convinced many people that a college degree *certifies* its recipient as intelligent, educated, and decent, ready for big big things.

Free Community College Movement

It’s on the platform of both Seattle mayoral candidates. Meaning, it’s probably going to happen and eventually they’ll stick the bill to businesses because they think they’re doing businesses a favor by “training” people to be employable.  Yet most schools and courses of study train students to become UNEMPLOYABLE and they have to be retrained by the businesses that hire them.

The only traits you need to do any job is grit and curiosity, and most colleges and courses of study don’t teach that precisely because they take the responsibility for educating and improving oneself away from the individual. College doesn’t educate anyone — it’s a social networking event — only you can educate yourself.

Bondage

Bondage comes in many forms, it doesn’t have to be slavery.

Seattle passed a soda tax, which is a humiliating tax on the poor.  They now want to that tax to fund free community college to the poor.  That’s fucked up: tax the poor and then put them through programs that will ensure they become unemployable and remain poor while dressing it up as White benevolence.  This is the same shit the Church pulled on people 500 years ago: take money from the poor to “help” the poor while fucking them up in fundamental ways.

We can do as Martin Luther did, which is to call bullshit on these stupid college programs that produce a lot of fuck ups and instead develop apprenticeship programs.  Luther translated the Bible into the vernacular so that non-clergy could read and interpret it for themselves, making salvation a personal matter rather than mediated by a bunch of crooks.  We can do the same for people with apprenticeship programs that give people the confidence to educate themselves instead of being told what and how to think. Let’s do it.