The Alive Juice Bar Diet

Here’s how people are fucking things up in their own fucked up way: having *dessert for breakfast.*

Examples:

*Muffin and coffee
*Sugary cereal w/milk and orange juice
* Donut and coffee
* Pancakes or waffles w/syrup, orange juice, coffee, and bacon

All of the above are desserts.  And that’s what most Americans are having for breakfast.  When you have dessert for breakfast, you become emotionally unstable.  When you’re emotionally unstable, you crave comfort  — from sugar to heroin to alcohol — anything to alleviate the pain and anxiety.  Some person once said:

Rob Faigin and others have postulated that having obscene amounts of sugar and carbohydrate over long periods of time can max out our serotonin machinery, leaving us unhappy, carb-craving, and depressed.

Another person said something similar to above:

Serotonin acts as a neurotransmitter, relaying signals from one area of the brain to another. Researchers believe that an imbalance in serotonin levels can cause depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic anxiety disorder and anger management issues.

And scientists at Bartles and James University fed one group of lab mice salads and another group of lab mice muffins and found that

…the mice who ate salad for a month were able to run on wheel 74 percent longer than the muffin group.  These mice also produced 84 percent more offspring.  They also smiled 58 percent more often, and were 77 percent less likely to strangle another.

Point is, having dessert for breakfast will make you batshit crazy.  So don’t do it.  Yet people will continue to do it — especially if getting up sucks — because it’s like heroin.  It’s a psychological pain killer.

They eat veggies. That’s why they’re happy.

Breakfast That Won’t Make You Batshit Crazy

Someone once wrote:

…a new study from scientists in England and Australia finds that simply eating more fruit and vegetables can dramatically improve your level of happiness. The researchers claim the effect is so powerful that people who went from eating zero servings of fruit and vegetables a day to eight servings per day experienced an increase in happiness and satisfaction “equivalent to moving from unemployment to employment.”

So why not have salad and a protein (like an egg) for breakfast?  Here’s a protein shake recipe:

*avocado (as thickener)
* random veggies (broccoli, asparagus, cauliflower, whatever)
* almond or soy milk (any liquid as long as it’s not fruit juice)
* random fruit (if you prefer sweeter version)
* protein powder
* adjust ratios based on taste and texture preferences

That’s a nutritionally complete breakfast.  It has enough fat (from avocado), protein, and a lot of fiber.  And the nutrients to keep you happy and healthy instead of crashing after a couple of hours.  If you don’t like protein powder, pair the salad with an egg or chicken soup — whatever, as long as you’re getting protein.  It’s important to pair the salad with a protein.

She doesn’t eat veggies. And she had a donut for breakfast. That’s why her cat took a shit in her shoes.

The Alive Juice Bar Diet: Start and End With Salad

Meal 1: Salad + Protein.

Meal 2: Whatever you want.

Meal 3: Whatever you want.

Meal 4: Salad (can be merged with Meal 3)

Whatever you want for the Second Meal because I’m betting that you’ll be able to self-regulate if you start your day with a salad.  You won’t be an emotional mess when you eat that second meal so you’ll exercise better judgment and control.  You’ll also feel full faster because you’re not nutritionally depleted and therefore eat less.

Or think of Second Meal as a reward for starting your morning right.

Try it.  If you don’t feel better after a month, we’ll give you a $100 gift card.

They’re eating veggies.

 

 

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Why We Don’t Carry Wheatgrass (don’t read if offended by racist material)

 

Discussion about why we don’t name any ingredient a “super” anything and really really offensive material about Oprah and White people farther down. First, let’s get this wheatgrass debate settled.

We don’t carry wheatgrass, despite demand for it.  Here’s why:

From random uncredentialed guy writing on Skeptico blog: Wheatgrass is for Cows
Summary: Wheatgrass is for cows, not humans, as humans are unable to digest it as cows do.

But why should we trust some random guy on random blogsite?

From Webmd: Wheatgrass Claims
S
ummary: Review of independent peer reviewed studies of wheatgrass show that there’s little or no evidence of its purported health benefits to those who drink it.

But that’s just another website, the article isn’t peer reviewed,  and we don’t know if author left out studies in his review.  So let’s go with a renown Naturopath who is also an MD.

From Dr. Andrew Weil, MD (from Harvard),  undergrad in Botany (from Harvard); founder of Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine. Currently Clinical Professor of Medicine, a Professor of Public Health, and the Lovell-Jones Professor of Integrative Rheumatology at University of Arizona School of Medicine: Wheatgrass Does Not Deliver
Summary: Wheatgrass is bullshit.  Key quotes:

On benefits of chlorophyll: chlorophyll, the green pigment that gives plants their color, has no nutritional role in the human body, a fact that hasn’t stopped promoters from making extravagant claims for it. Secondly, there’s no evidence to suggest that wheatgrass or chlorophyll are substitutes for 2.2 pounds of vegetables. If you search the medical literature for “wheatgrass,” you find very few entries and none at all suggesting that it has any health benefits for humans.

On cost-effectiveness of wheatgrass versus fruit and veggies: Wheatgrass may provide some vitamins and minerals but…as many as you would get from some common foods that taste…better. For example…you would get 860 mg of protein from seven 3.5 gm wheatgrass tablets while a half cup of cooked broccoli would give you 2,300 mg. Wheatgrass tablets would give you 1,668 IU of beta carotene, compared to 20,253 IU in a single raw carrot. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Nutritionally speaking, wheatgrass simply doesn’t deliver on the promoters’ promises. I certainly wouldn’t recommend substituting it for any of the fresh vegetables and fruits in your diet. Spend your money on good, organically produced food, not on wheatgrass or other sprouts or grasses marketed as “super-foods.”

From American Cancer Society, which has provided funding to 47 Nobel Lauretes: Review of Wheatgrass
S
ummary: No evidence AND beware of supplements general, as actual amount of ingredient consumer wants varies. Person who made wheatgrass a health fad was a quack and batshit crazy.

The wheatgrass diet was developed by Boston resident Ann Wigmore, who immigrated to the United States from Lithuania. Wigmore believed strongly in the healing power of nature. Wigmore’s notion that fresh wheatgrass had value came from her interpretation of the Bible and observations that dogs and cats eat grass when they feel ill. Wigmore claimed that the wheatgrass diet could cure disease.

In 1982, the Massachusetts Attorney General sued Wigmore for claiming that her program could reduce or eliminate the need for insulin in diabetics. She later retracted her claims. In 1988, the Massachusetts Attorney General sued Wigmore again, this time for claiming that an “energy enzyme soup” she invented could cure AIDS. Wigmore was ordered to stop representing herself as a physician or person licensed to treat disease. Although Wigmore died in 1993, her Creative Health Institute is still active. Wheatgrass is readily available, and her diet is still in use.

So what is it about human nature that allows so many people — the highly intelligent included, even Steve Jobs gets duped — to buy snake-oils like wheatgrass, to believe in bullshit?

Human Nature
If there’s anything to be learned from Cultural Anthropology (and there’s not much), it’s that as social structure evolves — feudalism to capitalism, for instance — social codes and archetypes from one era reappear in another in a different form. Example: Aunt Jemima, year 1900.  She’s loved by White people because she takes good care of them.  Mammy, the “house nigger” archetype. Oprah Winfrey, year 2000.  Same shit, different form.  Look at her audience — mostly middle-class White women. Oprah is their Mammy, telling them which books to read, which diets to follow, which causes to get worked up about. Only difference is that Oprah makes coin because she lives in a more advanced (or different) stage of capitalism than did those who represented Aunt J in minstrel shows a century ago.

Not saying those who don’t like rap (code) necessarily hate Black people.  Not saying those with Free Tibet stickers (code) dislike Chinese people or Asians in general.  Just saying it’s human nature to classify and differentiate, to codify and regulate identities. Telling people it’s socially unacceptable to call a Chinaman (archetype) a Chinaman (code) doesn’t mean people will stop thinking of or treat the Chinaman as a Chinaman, or a Wetback a Wetback, a Dago Wop a Dago Wop.  They’ll just find a more socially acceptable way to express difference.

The codes and archetypes evolve to reflect the aims and needs of the political economy. Slavery (code) in the US didn’t end because enough people *finally* recognized such bondage as immoral. You really think white abolitionists (archetype) gave a shit about “Negroes” anymore than they cared about the “free” Irish immigrants who lived a mile away from them in conditions, according to a University of Chicago economist, even worse than those of Southern slaves? Slavery ended because enough people figured out that it doesn’t work well with industrial capitalism. Slavery became immoral because it was becoming inefficient — less productive than wage labor — and not because the temptation to exploit other people in such a way had waned. Just because material life has gotten better and society more civil doesn’t mean human nature has changed. People are still scared and vain and will seek short-cuts to the Kingdom of Heaven by trying to create Heaven on Earth, with disastrous consequences.  People will forever do some fucked up shit to each other, with most justifying, rationalizing as good and just what they’ve done, from carpet bombing a village to interrogation by torture to massacre. Instead of burning the witch at the stake, now we post compromising photos of that bitch on Instagram.

History and Human Nature
Why is it we can laugh at or be horrified by instances of human depravity and degeneracy throughout history, yet not recognize our own sins and follies? We can laugh at Ponce DeLeon for being a dumbass for searching for the Fountain of Youth (AND believe in this story which likely isn’t true), yet we fall for wheatgrass, spirulina, weight-loss pills, cock enlargement pumps, reverse-aging creams, those metal bracelets that do whatever it is they’re supposed to do, and ionized water?

Medical doctors and scientists would probably blame low scientific literacy as the source of the problem.  Sure sure, most Americans don’t understand the scientific method or how clinical trials work or the difference between correlation and causation or how problematic observational studies are and what can be concluded from a mice study or what “double blind peer review” means.  But I don’t think a person needs to be familiar with any of the above to detect bullshit. We have built-in bullshit detectors.  We just don’t use them.

So why don’t we use our bullshit detectors? What makes it so tempting to hear only what we want to hear, to see only what we want to see in ourselves and others?  When do we become susceptible to believing fantastic promises that appeal to our vanities?

Part of it is how history is often taught, how we understand it.  “Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it.” Thanks for the reminder, George, but forgetting the past isn’t the reason why history repeats itself. History repeats itself especially when it’s NOT forgotten. Guy sentenced to life in jail for vehicular homicide didn’t forget his three DUIs, he was just being human, a dumbass creature of habit.  And I’m not claiming “progress” hasn’t been made, I’ll take my toilet over whatever Jesus used. I’m saying that thinking of the trajectory of history as “moral progress”  — qualified by “if we study history” — makes us blind to ourselves, our Original Sin. Unable to see ourselves in Pol Pot, Hitler, Henry V, Catherine the Great, Stalin, Caligula, Judas Iscariot, we become arrogant, vain, self-righteous and self-satisfied.  “I would never have owned slaves,” the American Apparel clad college girl tells herself as she reads Howard Zinn’s People’s History. “I would’ve released them, then teach them how to read, to start a glorious revolution.” Twenty years later she’s living in a nearly Black-less neighborhood, and the closest she’s ever come to helping anyone Black has been her purchase of tunes from Aaliyah and a Richard Sherman jersey. How’s that for ironic living?

Superfood as Colonial Narrative
Is there an Anthropologist in the house?  We’re going to need one soon.

(Artistic license taken) “Acai berries for super duper healthy living AND to empower the peasants, save them from greedy capitalists!”  In May 2009, Bloomberg reported that the expanding popularity of açaí in the United States was “depriving Brazilian jungle dwellers of a protein-rich nutrient they’ve relied on for generations.” From Reality Check: “False claims include reversal of diabetes and other chronic illnesses, as well as expanding size of the penis and increasing men’s sexual virility.” Oops, we fucked up.

“Quinoa for super duper healthy living AND to empower the peasants, save them from greedy capitalists!”  From UK Guardian: “Ethical consumers should be aware poor Bolivians can no longer afford their staple grain, due to western demand raising prices.” Oops, we fucked up.

(From Runa website, word for word) Runa is a social enterprise supporting indigenous farmers and reforestation in the Amazon. Runa brews beverages from guayusa, a super-leaf from the Amazon …”  We should know how this “social enterprise” (social fucking enterprise! these fuckers aren’t even subtle about it anymore) is going to end.  But we get duped by the same message over and over again: Fountain of Youth! Bigger Penis! Save the Peasants from Greedy Capitalists! We fall for the same pick up line because it makes us feel good, and because deep down, we don’t give a shit about those jungle dwelling brown motherfuckers, which is why we can conveniently forget — no, ignore — what happened to them last time we tried to help them. We just like to believe we care about them, and that their big big smiles are for real when they take photos with us. It’s as if colonialism never ended. Instead of guns, now the imperialists use superfoods to fuck things up in their own fucked up way.  The colonial narrative, that trifecta of: glory and riches, more pussy, and White burden, continues on in American grocery stores and on dining tables.

Here’s where an Anthropologist may be of help. Instead of studying impact of superfood agriculture on environment and culture, instead of studying the Other, let’s study White people.  By White people, I don’t mean genotype or White individuals.  I mean White people as trope, as inheritors of a colonial legacy. As consumers of *all races* unwilling to recognize the colonial past in their post-colonial present. Let’s get to the source of the problem.

History and Human Nature Part II: Self Interest vs. Vanity

Most schools and media teach history as the story about good people as victims of bad people and that we have moral obligation to help the victims of present and past and punish the bad. Put simply, propaganda. The Aliens watching us from Alpha Centauri don’t see good versus evil, they only see people doing fucked up shit to each other, just as we see animals in the wild do fucked up shit to each other but don’t assign moral value to their actions.  That’s precisely the kind of story Thucydides wrote about in History of the Peloponnesian Wars. It’s a seminal historical text because it’s the first to be so cold, detached, impartial; because it isn’t a story about good and evil, it’s about *human nature* and how we can best protect ourselves from other people. It’s a story about how there are NEITHER victims NOR volunteers.  There are only competing self-interests that sometimes come in conflict with another.

Santayana’s “remember the past so you don’t make the same mistakes,” is an alluring way to read history because it appeals to our vanity. “Those bad bad people are them, and I’m me, who would never do that, I’m better than that” we’re led to think.  Really?  The only reason why the 19 year old girl who worships Ayn Rand (a Fuck You conservative) can declare herself a Communist (combo = psychobitch, guaranteed) without a hint of irony is because she doesn’t have the power to round people up and work them to death at a labor camp. And she’s too chickenshit to do anything more than tell her Facebook friends that that bitch is not her mom. Send her back in time — give her power, make her Catherine the Great — then we’ll see who she really is. There will be blood everywhere.

If Santayana’s version of history takes down the proverbial mirror we need to recognize ourselves in our readings of the past, reading history as the codification of identity and the study of human nature nails it back up for us to see who we really are.  With history as the study of human nature on repeat, every cheat, murderer, dumbass, fool, coward, and psychopath we read about becomes a story about our present condition, a reflection of who we are. It helps us recognize our own follies, our venality and arrogance, our total depravity. It may help us to smell present-day bullshit like this:

Ignored Since the 1950s – Is Spirulina Now a ‘Miracle’ High-Protein Super Food?

Imagine a plant that can nourish your body by providing most of the protein you need to live, help prevent the annoying sniffling and sneezing of allergies, reinforce your immune system, help you control high blood pressure and cholesterol, and help protect you from cancer. Does such a “super food” exist?

Yes. It’s called spirulina.

Which isn’t much different from bullshit from the past, like this:

004_Snake_Oil_Ad

The ingredients may change, but human nature remains.

The Vanity of Vanities
According to Socrates, there are two types of people: dumbasses who know they’re dumbasses, and dumbasses who don’t.  The former ask more questions and make fewer assumptions because of their insecure knowledge. The latter ask few questions and rely on belief, bullshit, and bromides to sustain their vain sense of self. The former go with what sounds right.  The latter with what sounds good.

Vanity is self-interest turned on its side, that desire for a sense of progress and self-esteem rather than actual improvement. Pay up and pop the pill to feel like effort and progress has been made, even though it’d cost less and be more effective to consistently eat diverse and balanced meals and to exercise daily.  Vanity and its dampening affect on our bullshit detectors, not poor science literacy, is what feeds the pseudoscience and anti-science industries. Michael Schulson, on the importance of keeping our vanity in check when thinking about the politics of science (from  Whole Foods: America’s Temple of Pseudoscience):

It’s that whenever we talk about science and society, it helps to keep two rather humbling premises in mind: very few of us are anywhere near rational. And pretty much all of us are hypocrites.

And dumbasses.

SnakeOilGirl2

Frequently Asked Questions XVI

Roxanne G.

What’s Roxanne G. writing now?
She’s working on Frankendog: Tails of Horror, Macabre, and Mayhem.

What’s it about?
Hit and run leaves guy and his dog nearly dead in middle of the road.  Dr. Frankenstein (great grandson of original Dr. F) finds them.  Instead of taking them to hospital, he takes them to his basement laboratory to stitch the guy and his dog together to create Frankendog. Horror and mayhem ensue as Frankendog runs away to find and terrorize the teens who left him for dead.

lostdog

Have you seen Frankendog?

Is Roxanne G. a slut?
We don’t know much about her sexual exploits.

Can I have her number?
No.

Food, Free Speech, and Thug Kitchen Cookbooks

You selling Thug Kitchen cookbooks during holiday season?
Yes, all three, including Fast as Fuck and Thug Kitchen Party Grub: For Social Motherfuckers

Is it true Social Justice Warriors threatened to protest Thug Kitchen book signings? 
Yes.

Why would they do that?  It’s just a cookbook!
The White authors were accused of:

  • Performing Internet black-face
  • Cultural appropriation
  • Racial stereotyping

Authors of Thug Kitchen cookbooks. The new faces of racism, according to Social Justice Warriors. And why is her mouth so wide open?

 

Will People Think I’m a Racist if I Buy It?
Why do you care?

Why Did Authors Name Their Cookbook “Thug Kitchen”? 
To break the stereotype of vegans being White and meek (which authors are) so that those who don’t identify as White and meek will try vegan food.

How Should I Eat Pho Without Offending Anyone?
Why do you care?

(We’ll address the Bon Appetit article on eating pho that caused so much outrage in another post).

Business Tactics

Why do you guys troll customers on Yelp?
Marketing tactic and customer filtering system. And it’s entertaining.

Does it work?
Yes, especially at first.  Less effective later because it gets old, unless you come up with new content (which we need to do).

Why does it work?
The controversy increases shares on social media.  NO publicity is the worst publicity.  Here’s an article on how it works by a PR professional who made Tucker Max’s book “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” a NYTimes best-seller: I Helped Create Milo Trolling Playbook….

Is this why the owner tries to be so offensive?
He actually doesn’t try to be offensive. He just describes what he observes as precisely and accurately as possible. Which some find funny, others offensive.  Either way, it draws more readers.

Don’t read this book.  It’s offensive.

General

Why is Alive Juice Bar also known as the Redneck Juice Bar? 
We promote Redneck values that built this great nation. That’s why we tell people to stop sending kids to stupid colleges to get stupid degrees when they can get redneck jobs that are useful and pay 100k a year.  To stop using euphemisms and pretentious speech that blur reality and inflate self-esteem.

We’re also showing solidarity with a group that gets bullied and unfairly blamed for every problem imaginable.

I’m not White.  Can I be a Redneck?
Yes, you can be of any color.  Cutest scene at the Juice Bar: two Asian women, one from Missouri the other from Georgia, arguing about which one of the two is more rednecky.  And one is wearing a business suit.

What are Redneck values?
We’ll publish a Redneck Manifesto soon.

Still looking for a place to open Redneck Bistro?
Yes.

A yelper accused owner of sending her harassing e-mails posing as Donald Trump.  True?
Nah, if he were to he’d pose as Milo.  But he thinks he knows who sent it, if she’s not lying.

Is owner teaching Gangnam Style dance at Ruby Pop Up Dance event Friday 7:30pm Nov. 3rd?  
Yes, but for only 3 minutes.  That’s all the time the Ruby Dance instructor would give him.

College is a Scam

In 1517, a monk named Martin Luther announced that the Catholic Church is a scam. Said church was scamming people by telling them that their sins can be atoned if they pay the church enough money.  Year 2017, the scam continues, except now it’s the University (which has its origins in the Church) scamming people by telling them they’ll never live The Dream if they don’t have a college degree.  That they can’t do this and that if they don’t have a degree in this and that.

Scams work because people are scared.  Look to the past to know how scared people are and who the scammers are today. People don’t change.

How the Catholic Church Scammed People

They told everyone that they need the Church to achieve salvation and to live a good life.  That one can’t earn God’s grace on one’s own. The scam worked because it offered an easy way out for those who wanted salvation without taking full responsibility for their fuck ups.  When paying the Church didn’t lead to a good life, people reasoned that it was because they didn’t pay the Church enough money.

How Universities Scam People

Same shit happening today, except it’s the University instead of the Church scamming people.  Here are some parallels:

Church says: You will be punished for your sins if you don’t pay us to atone them.  

University says: You will never live a comfortable middle class life if you don’t have a college degree

Church says: Bad shit happened to you even after you confessed your sins because you didn’t pay us enough

University says: You’re still flipping burgers after your college degree because you need a Masters degree to work in your field of study.  

Church says: One cannot know God except through the Church

University says: One cannot receive an education and become learned except at college

Church says: Only we can interpret the Bible for you.  

University says: Only we can teach you how to do that job and to read that book.  

Church says: You’ll never live a good life or find salvation if you join the Protestant Church (Protestant nations are wealthier than Catholic ones)

University says: You’ll never live a good life if you work redneck jobs like underwater welding (which pays $150,000/year)

Church says: Money you give us will help the poor

University says: Money you give us will educate the poor

Church says: You’re a heretic if you don’t believe us.

University says: You’re stupid if you don’t have a college degree.

The University takes responsibility for educating oneself away from the individual and offers an easy but expensive way for someone to appear intelligent, educated, and cultured without actually being any of those things.  They’ve convinced many people that a college degree *certifies* its recipient as intelligent, educated, and decent, ready for big big things.

Free Community College Movement

It’s on the platform of both Seattle mayoral candidates. Meaning, it’s probably going to happen and eventually they’ll stick the bill to businesses because they think they’re doing businesses a favor by “training” people to be employable.  Yet most schools and courses of study train students to become UNEMPLOYABLE and they have to be retrained by the businesses that hire them.

The only traits you need to do any job is grit and curiosity, and most colleges and courses of study don’t teach that precisely because they take the responsibility for educating and improving oneself away from the individual. College doesn’t educate anyone — it’s a social networking event — only you can educate yourself.

Bondage

Bondage comes in many forms, it doesn’t have to be slavery.

Seattle passed a soda tax, which is a humiliating tax on the poor.  They now want to that tax to fund free community college to the poor.  That’s fucked up: tax the poor and then put them through programs that will ensure they become unemployable and remain poor while dressing it up as White benevolence.  This is the same shit the Church pulled on people 500 years ago: take money from the poor to “help” the poor while fucking them up in fundamental ways.

We can do as Martin Luther did, which is to call bullshit on these stupid college programs that produce a lot of fuck ups and instead develop apprenticeship programs.  Luther translated the Bible into the vernacular so that non-clergy could read and interpret it for themselves, making salvation a personal matter rather than mediated by a bunch of crooks.  We can do the same for people with apprenticeship programs that give people the confidence to educate themselves instead of being told what and how to think. Let’s do it.