Notes on How to Write a Resume

We have our own free resume writing workshop for our employees (and customers).  Let us know if you want to attend.  Notes from workshop below.

Four Rules:

    1. Don’t be a fraud.  Never write what you think someone wants to hear.  Besides, you’re not good at figuring out what other people really want to hear. So be honest about your intentions.  Be authentic. But it’s hard to be authentic when we’re trained and encouraged to be frauds and fucktards.  To cut the bullshit, allow yourself to list only one goal (aka “Objective”), the most important one to you, on the resume. So turn this:
      .

      Objective: Hardworker seeking a position that will allow me to utilize my knowledge and great communication skills to help customers make better lifestyle choices so they live more productive lives.  

      Which sounds fucktarded, to this:

      Goal: To make enough money so I can move away from my parents.

      Not saying wanting to “help customers make better lifestyle choices so they live more productive lives” is a lie.  It’s not, *everyone* wants to do that. But it’s bullshit because in most cases, that’s not the primary motivator. Everyone wants to help other people as long as it’s convenient to do so.  Few will help people when it’s painful to do so.

      Writing this way will also help you stay focused and block out the noise of people telling you who you should be to fit in.
      .

    2. Don’t assess yourself (eg. I’m hardworking, I’m smart).  List your achievements instead.  It’s up to the reader to decide if you’re hardworking or smart. When you assess yourself, you’re showing your standards.  If you think you’re smart because you graduated from Sonoma State University, there’s someone who graduated from Princeton who thinks you have low standards.  So avoid using phrases such as:
      .
      * Hardworking and cheerful
      * Dedicated and smart
      * Great communication skills
      .
      Another way to put it: be humble.  Show, don’t tell. Let your actions do the talking.
      .
    3. Less is more, elegance in simplicity.  This principle applies to everything, from fashion to cooking to architecture to writing.  Use as few words as possible and opt for word with fewest syllables.  Examples:
      .
      “Goal” instead of “Objective”
      “Use” instead of “Utilize”
      .
    4. Avoid euphemisms.  Euphemisms are a waste of time and energy, be direct and honest.  English professor Paul Fussell, on fraudulent, pompous language:

The middles cleave to euphemisms not just because they’re an aid in avoiding facts.  They like them also because they assist their social yearnings towards pomposity.  This is possible because most euphemisms permit the speaker to multiply syllables, and the middle class confuses sheer numerousness with weight and value.

So “Secretary” instead of “Project Coordinator.”  “Dishwasher” instead of “Team Member,” “Stripper” instead of “Dancer.” “Shopkeeper” instead of “CEO.” Don’t be a fraud, frauds are unattractive except to other frauds, and they’re all batshit crazy.

Example resume and cover letter:

Boy Wants Job to Get Laid

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So You Want to Manage a Controversial Juice Bar? (Answer Key w/Comments)

Note: some questions have two correct answers.

You: Be fast and hyperactive.
Hours: Full or Part-Time, flexible
Pay: $15-$18/hour plus tips
Perks: Free use of dance studio when it’s available.  Free drinks and some free food while at work.
Job Duties: Get people to do what we want them to do.  Make and serve food and drinks that customers will like.  Baby-sit your bitches. including the owner.

Below are our application questions. Boldface your answers, like this:

Which color ball do you prefer?
a) This one
b) That one
c) This is a stupid question.

Pick one answer only. Don’t make up your own answers.

You find out your daughter is selling drugs in school.  What do you do? 
a) Ground her, tell her that she can really screw up her life if she continues to act this way. (how so?)
b) Reward her (don’t train kids to work for praise and reward)
c) Don’t do anything. (She’s entrepreneurial! Studies show CEOs tend to get into trouble during youth.  Like Bill Gates)

What do you tell Janey, who is an overweight emotional eater, to help her lose weight?
a) Stop trying to be happy (this gets at source of emotional eating and drug abuse)
b) You’re a wonderful person, there’s no reason for you to feel this way (lying to people doesn’t help anyone except the liar, who is a coward)
c) Go eat at Alive Juice Bar (stop kissing my ass)

Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel. (no leadership skills)
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week. (What famous math teacher Jaime Escalante did.  Focus on work, not angst, to teach kids resilience).  
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”  (this is how to turn kids batshit crazy, yet the schools keep doing it even as anxiety increases)

Pick best Golden Rule:
a) Treat others as you want to be treated (what narcissists pick)
b) Treat others as they treat you (what strategically minded people pick)
c) Treat others as they want to be treated (what nice people pick)

Customer walks in (you don’t know his name). How do you greet him?
a) Hey! (less is more, elegance in simplicity)
b) Hello sir, how are you this evening? (typical pompous middle-class greeting)
c) Wussup, fuckface? (this is ok only with customers you’re close to)

The bus shows up 10 minutes late, making you 10 minutes late to work. Whose fault is it that you’re late?
a) Bus driver’s
b) Traffic’s
c) My fault (blaming others for your fuck ups is first step to loss of sense of agency, which leads to batshit crazy)

Customer greets you with: “Hi, how are you?” How do you respond? 
a) I’m doing very well, thank you. How are you? (the moment you allow yourself to engage in fraudulent conversations is when you’ll slowly lose your sanity)
b) What do you want? (that’s what they’re most likely here for, a product, and not a story about your day)
c) I’m making rice and beans. Try some! (an opportunity to make a sale)

Your co-worker moved something to wrong place and you know it’s in the wrong place. Manager asks why it’s in the wrong place. How do you respond?
a) She put it there, not me. (Shithead response)
b) I don’t know, no idea how it got there. (loser response)
c) I’ll move it. (responsible response)

Pick:
a) Love, Respect, Love (naive response)
b) Fear, Respect, Love (I’ll put my faith in the Classics of Social and Political Thought)
c) Love, Goose, Love

Someone leaves knives in soapy water.  What do you do to make sure that person never does it again?
a) Tell her that doing that can hurt someone, that she needs to think about the consequences of her actions.
b) Lock her in the freezer for an hour.
c) Fill sink with soapy water and knives. Have her wash knives. (experience teaches empathy)

Jane walks in and orders two 32 oz jars of juice, which will take you 15 minutes to make. Jared walks in immediately after she places her order and orders a small juice, which takes 2 minutes to make. Sam enters immediately after Jared places his order and orders a smoothie, which takes 30 seconds to make, whom do you serve first?
a) Jane (she’s expecting to wait 15 minutes.  An extra 3 minutes isn’t going to make a difference)
b) Jared  (he’s not expecting to wait more than 5 minutes)
c) Sam (he’s not expecting to wait more than 5 minutes)

Tiffany’s daughter is throwing ice cubes at other customers. What do you do?
a) Tell them to “get the fuck out.” (they know what they’re doing, don’t give them chance to argue)
b) Politely ask Tiffany to tell her daughter to stop (she’ll argue back and create a scene)
c) Throw ice cubes at them. (tempting but someone has to clean up mess)

You’re the principal of the school. You visit a class where students are either goofing off or sleeping. What do you do?
a) Tell everyone that anyone who doesn’t pay attention will get failing grade for the day. (tyranny)
b) Don’t do anything. Privately tell teacher that he sucks at teaching, that’s why nobody is listening. 
c) Explain to students why it’s important for them to pay attention to their teachers. (uh, no.  kids have good bullshit detectors)

You’re sampling drinks. What do you say to get someone to try one?
a) “Hi, would you like to try this? (don’t give people time to think.  it’ll just annoy them)
b) “Try this.” (people more likely to accept if you don’t give them option)
c) “Drink this or I’ll hit you.” (tyranny)

Your car battery dies so you’re late for work. Whose fault is it you’re late?
a) Nobody’s, sometimes shit happens
b) The battery’s.
c) My fault

Customer asks you what’s the most popular drink. How do you respond?
a) Tell him what you think is most popular. (translate what customer is asking)
b) Ask him which flavors he prefers. (customer is asking you to make him drink he likes, not what is most popular. So respond to question with question about his preferences)
c) Ask the manager to answer his question.

As you’re focused on a complicated order, condescending customer tells you that you should smile more if you want a tip. How do you respond?
a) “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day.”
b) Smile more.
c) Ask her if she’d like a side order of “Fuck Off” to go with her order. (someone needs to tell condescending customers that they’re shitheads).  

How do you produce kids who will become confident adults with healthy self-esteem?
a) Tell them how amazing, wonderful and special they are, everyday. (telling them how amazing they are will not make them do amazing things.  opposite happens in fact).
b) Set higher and higher expectations and expect them to achieve them.
c) Try to build a stress free environment for them so they can achieve their goals.  (easily stressed out ppl pick this one)

How do you produce kids who will become batshit crazy as adults?
a) Tell them how wonderful and special they are, all the time. (verbal heroin)
b) Beat the shit out of them (football players, Koreans who were students pre-2000…most of them turned out fine)
c) Ignore them (not ideal but better than A because these kids will become independent)

Your 8 year old is new at school.  He gets shoved out of lunch line and is told to get to the back.  He responds by beating the shit out of the kid who bullied him.  What’s your response?
a) Ground him and make him apologize to kid he beat up.
b) Tell him he did the right thing and to never worry about lawsuits, you’ll take care of those if they come up.
c) Have your kid apologize to the kid he beat up and have them talk it out.  End with hug. (This will make things worse.  When feminine values referee male to male interactions, you get disaster).

Your partner tells you you’re lazy. How do you respond?
a) Takes on to know one, asshole. (insecure psychopaths pick this)
b) How am I lazy? (always acknowledge what another says, even if you don’t agree.  Unless you want a fight).  
c) You never see all the things I do for you.  (never throw something you don’t like back.  that’s childish)

Who will most likely grow up to be batshit crazy?
a. Asian kid who gets bitch slapped for getting a “B” because “B” is for Bitch.  (Asian teenage suicide rates are high due to pressure but pressure prepares them to adapt to adult world well.  Asian adult suicide rates are much lower than for White counterparts.
b. Black kid molested by his football coach (Sucks but not as much abuse as option C, even if he uses it to play victim card)
c. Middle-class White kid who gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. (that’s not how society works, she’ll soon discover.  Then it gets ugly).  

Your daughter loves gymnastics and is about to enter her first meet. She’s confident about winning and even thought about the perfect place to hang her blue ribbon. While she did well, she didn’t medal, and was devastated. What do you, as a parent, tell her?
a) Tell her you thought she was the best (if you’re not qualified to judge, don’t lie.  Liars help nobody but themselves).
b) Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.  (And if she doesn’t?  You look like an idiot and kid stops trusting you).
c) Tell her she doesn’t deserve to win because she didn’t work hard enough.  (hard work = victory).  

What should Mother say to get her son to eat something he doesn’t want?
a. Drink that kale smoothie or I’ll kick your ass. (use fear as last resort)
b. Drink that kale smoothie if  you want to grow a nine inch cock and find a girlfriend who’ll ride it. (always appeal to another’s self-interest)
c. Baby, drink that kale smoothie, it’s good for you, do it for mommy, ok? (manipulative people pick this one)

Someone mugs you.  Whose fault is it that you got mugged?  
a) My fault (picking this will reduce chance you get PTSD from experience and from happening again)
b) Society’s (the Marxist pick)
c) Mugger’s (is it lion’s fault for eating bambi?)

Owner teaches you to make something one way. Manager teaches you to do it another way. You’re working with the manager, owner is watching. Whose way do you follow?
a) Manager’s (when manager’s working, it’s manager’s store.  it’s owner’s business, but not owner’s store when manager is working)
b) Owner’s (don’t mess with chain of command)
c) Do your own thing, show them you’re a superstar!  (what incompetent people pick)

Customer who doesn’t know what to order asks you what your favorite drink is. How do you respond?
a) Tell him your favorite drink (translate the question.  He doesn’t care what your favorite drink is).
b) Ask him which flavors he prefers (respond to question with question after translating question)
c) Tell him you’ll tell him if he tips you $10. (not funny)

What matters most to MOST customers when buying something to eat?
a) taste  (pleasure comes first)
b) cost (not even for Indians, Chinese, and Jews…taste still comes first)
c) how healthy it is. (most say they care, few actually do)

How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault. (what Shitheads pick)
b) Never. Hire me and you’ll see my awesomeness. (what incompetent people pick)
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up. (people who pick this are able to catch and fix their own mistakes)

How do you improve academic performance at a school?
a) Increase funding so facilities can be improved. (no correlation)
b) Increase number of (real) Asian students (academic performance linked to culture)
c) Increase salaries so teachers perform better (people are creatures of habit, level of work doesn’t change if paid more.  only retention rate improves when salaries are increased).

What’s the appropriate way to talk to co-worker?
a) Hey, would you mind getting me some beets when you get a chance? (wordiness increases chances for misundstanding)
b) Hey fucktard, get me some beets or I’ll hit you.  (use fear as last resort and only in emergency situations)
c) Get beets now. (always be concise and succinct)

An employee leaves sharp knives in soapy water.  What should you say to her?
a. Please don’t do that again, it’s dangerous, someone can get hurt. (no shit, she already knows that)
b. If you’re being sadistic and want to see blood, fine.  If not, you’re a self-absorbed knucklehead. (this gets at root of problem — self-absorption.  Also, never punish someone’s intentions).  
c. Do that again and I’ll kill you with the knife I find in the water. (you better go through with it if it happens again or else you lose respect).