Frequently Asked Questions Part V

Links to FAQs I, II, III, IV

General
Why don’t you offer smoothies and protein shakes in a smaller size?
It’d shrink our labor pool.  It’s tough enough to find someone who can make a 24 oz drink accurately (no overage).  

But other stores offer different sizes.
They use sorbet or syrup. Meaning, everything they use is easily measured. Or they put up with employees who make like 30 oz. for a 16. oz order.

Why don’t you offer punch cards?
They add nothing of value to the business.  They’re costly and a burden.  Finally, we don’t have a problem with loyalty: people either hate or love us, little in between.  Loyalty cards work best for businesses in the “in between.”

How did owner come up with idea for the store?
Click for answer

Why is your Yelp offer “Free Bad Service?”
Keeps those who don’t like being called a Fuckface away.

Does owner offer cooking lessons?
Yes.

Politics
Do you support a “Fat Tax?”
No

Soda tax?
No.

Gossip
So owner is writing a porn novel.  What’s it about?
A girl trying to get some hot knucklehead to tattoo her name on his penis.  Then she’ll dump him.

And he thinks I’m batshit crazy?
Yep.

Dude, are those real?
Don’t know, haven’t asked and don’t plan to ask.

Do you guys really lock employees in the freezer?
No comment.

Business
Can you help me open a juice bar/restaurant?
Sure!

Who should open a juice bar/restaurant?
Dumbasses who know they’re dumbasses.

Who shouldn’t open a juice bar/restaurant?
Dumbasses who don’t know they’re dumbasses.

Health and Fitness
Is this drink good for me?
Yes, as long you drink no more than one a day.

Why are there so many blog articles about mental heath? Shouldn’t he stick to food, nutrition, and physical health? 
Mental health — attitude, mindset — has significant impact on physical health, and one’s relationship with food.  Getting sick sometimes isn’t just a matter of being exposed to something in the air. It’s often an indicator of how one deals with change, stress, and failure. We’re trying to get to the source of the problem.

Why do you guys ask me “why are you sick?”
We want customers to take responsibility for their sickness, to figure out what they did to make themselves so. Only then will they get sick less often.

Relationships
“So my boyfriend tried to kill me last night…”
No he didn’t, it just *felt* like he tried to kill you and you’re fishing for undeserved sympathy.

Why do you have to be such a dick?
This question doesn’t belong in Relationships section.

Dude, are all women crazy?
No.

Verbal vomit at end of my date.  How do I stop it?
Why stop it? It’s just your instincts kicking in at end of the night, after being repressed for most of the date.  If you really want to stop verbal vomit, ask him why he’s looking at the TV when you catch him doing so instead of bringing it up at the end of the date.  And why the fuck are you having a date at a place with a TV?

So where should we dine for first few dates?
Long answer requires another article (coming soon).  Short answer: modest and quiet (and no TVs).  Like Harvest Vine, Art of the Table, Cafe Presse.  Ultimately, it depends on the individual and situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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