“Boy Wants Job to Get Laid” Resume

Cody Johnson
2*** 196th pl sw
Lake Forest Park, WA 98155

 

Goal:
Horny 16 year old boy seeking a job so he can get laid.

Skills:
Usual ones — awesome communication skills, Microsoft Word and Power Point, Social Media, Internet research — listed by most of my friends and classmates. Meaning, none.

Work Experience:
None, unless you count:

* Mowing lawns, at rate of 1000 sf per 4 minutes.  Six years experience.
* Walking the dog and picking up his shit.  Every time. Four years experience.
* Babysitting little sister (9 years younger) once a week for past 3 years.  She’s still alive.
* Listening to Grandpa’s war stories once a month for past 12 years.  Feigning interest at the ones he’s told for the 30th time.
* Shoveling snow at rate of 3 inches on 500 sf per 9 minutes.  I like timing myself.
* Selling candy in school for  a year and a half. Stopped after I got caught.
* Selling marijuana in school for half a year. Stopped after my supplier got caught.
* Weeding lawns by hand, at rate of 3 pounds per 10 minutes.  Five years experience.

Education:
I attend Shorecrest High School.  School sucks. I’ve learned nothing there, except that most don’t do their reading; most teachers don’t know what they’re doing; nothing is what it seems; trust no one until their trust is earned.

Hobbies and Clubs:
* Number 4 ranked Illuminati Returns: Death Grip 4 player in the world.  Out of 12,000 plus players.
* Surfing Internet for good porn.
* Eating pizza
* Playing basketball on a shortened hoop.
* Audio-Visual club @Shorecrest high school.  I take care of expensive equipment.
* Thinking about girls
* Pranks
* Snowboarding on intermediate slopes

References
Samantha Fox
I’ve taken care of her lawn for past 3 years.
E-mail available once I determine you’re not dangerous

Kim Il Jong
I’ve taken care of his lawn for past 2 years.
E-mail available once I determine you’re not dangerous

Tucker Max
I sold him weed for half a year.
E-mail available once I determine you’re not dangerous

————————————————————————————————————————————-

Hi,

I want a job so I can improve my chances of getting laid.  I need money for a ride, new clothes, and a gym membership.  I also want a job so I spend less time playing video games.

Aside from a few video games, I’m not sure if I’m good at anything.  So I understand if you’re not interested in hiring me. It’d probably cost you a lot of money to train me.  If you want, I can work for free, or maybe in exchange for gift certificates I can give to my parents for driving me to and from work. You can hire me when you think I’m ready.

I’m open to just about anything.  Cooking and cleaning, scrubbing floors, picking up dog shit, bussing tables, it’s all good.  As long as I get closer to getting laid.

Sincerely,

 

 

Cody

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