“Boy Wants Job to Get Laid” Resume

Cody Johnson
2*** 196th pl sw
Lake Forest Park, WA 98155

 

Goal:
Horny 16 year old boy seeking a job so he can get laid.

Skills:
Usual ones — awesome communication skills, Microsoft Word and Power Point, Social Media, Internet research — listed by most of my friends and classmates. Meaning, none.

Work Experience:
None, unless you count:

* Mowing lawns, at rate of 1000 sf per 4 minutes.  Six years experience.
* Walking the dog and picking up his shit.  Every time. Four years experience.
* Babysitting little sister (9 years younger) once a week for past 3 years.  She’s still alive.
* Listening to Grandpa’s war stories once a month for past 12 years.  Feigning interest at the ones he’s told for the 30th time.
* Shoveling snow at rate of 3 inches on 500 sf per 9 minutes.  I like timing myself.
* Selling candy in school for  a year and a half. Stopped after I got caught.
* Selling marijuana in school for half a year. Stopped after my supplier got caught.
* Weeding lawns by hand, at rate of 3 pounds per 10 minutes.  Five years experience.

Education:
I attend Shorecrest High School.  School sucks. I’ve learned nothing there, except that most don’t do their reading; most teachers don’t know what they’re doing; nothing is what it seems; trust no one until their trust is earned.

Hobbies and Clubs:
* Number 4 ranked Illuminati Returns: Death Grip 4 player in the world.  Out of 12,000 plus players.
* Surfing Internet for good porn.
* Eating pizza
* Playing basketball on a shortened hoop.
* Audio-Visual club @Shorecrest high school.  I take care of expensive equipment.
* Thinking about girls
* Pranks
* Snowboarding on intermediate slopes

References
Samantha Fox
I’ve taken care of her lawn for past 3 years.
E-mail available once I determine you’re not dangerous

Kim Il Jong
I’ve taken care of his lawn for past 2 years.
E-mail available once I determine you’re not dangerous

Tucker Max
I sold him weed for half a year.
E-mail available once I determine you’re not dangerous

————————————————————————————————————————————-

Hi,

I want a job so I can improve my chances of getting laid.  I need money for a ride, new clothes, and a gym membership.  I also want a job so I spend less time playing video games.

Aside from a few video games, I’m not sure if I’m good at anything.  So I understand if you’re not interested in hiring me. It’d probably cost you a lot of money to train me.  If you want, I can work for free, or maybe in exchange for gift certificates I can give to my parents for driving me to and from work. You can hire me when you think I’m ready.

I’m open to just about anything.  Cooking and cleaning, scrubbing floors, picking up dog shit, bussing tables, it’s all good.  As long as I get closer to getting laid.

Sincerely,

 

 

Cody

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Redneck Wedding Reception Menu

Summary: ~100 guests, including some from Florida and Texas.  Casual dress.  Focus is on conviviality rather than formality.  Food and dancing in the woods.  Assuming 10 vegetarians. Palates range from the “scared-of-anything-unfamiliar to “anything-goes-as-long-as-it’s-dead.”

Communication Goals: Couple want to express themselves as laid back, outdoorsy, and quirky; as proud representatives of the Pacific Northwest.

Menu and Service: Menu reflects couple’s identity as Pacific Northwesterners.  Emphasis on Pacific Northwest ingredients, cuisine and hospitality.  Self-serve table for pre-reception.  Coursed family style for sit-down meal.

Pre-reception hors d’oeuvres

Dungeness crab bruschetta
Avocado bruschetta
Curry marinated “sponge” tofu on cucumber pattie
Laotian style vegetarian spring rolls
Pine-nut and goat-cheese stuffed mushrooms

Sit-Down Meal Menu (In course order)

Kale salad w/miso dressing, peaches
Grilled cedar smoked salmon
Asparagus and chantrelles
Flash grilled whiskey marinated, hickory smoked New York steak
Oregon shrimp salad w/garlic dressing, walnuts and apples
Grilled honey mustard baby back ribs
Cucumber, rice vinaigrette

Desert
Sweet potato pie
“Raw” carrot honey balls

Drinks
Pineapple mint iced tea
Two kegs of beer, one dark, one light.

Notes: Fried oysters?  Need to discuss if first draft of Course Order makes sense.

 

 

 

Soy, Men, and Titties

Some guys are refusing soy milk because they’ve heard that consuming soy promotes growth of women style breasts in men. I call bullshit.

Here’s what WebMD has to say about soy: Four Soy Food Myths Exposed

Summary: soy is a good and complete source of protein. It doesn’t cause cancer and it won’t turn men with gender identity anxiety issues into this:

Transgendered

Transgendered

What ZocDoc blog has to say about soy and man boobs: Does Soy “Feminize” Men? Fact Vs. Myth

Summary: Soy does not turn a guy into anything close to a woman unless — maybe — you drink like three quarts of it per day.  Which you probably won’t, even Asians don’t come close to consuming that amount.  Author’s recommendation:

If you’re a man and trying to avoid even small amounts of something that may lead to breast development, that’s probably not the right approach. There are benefits of soy that may make regular consumption worthwhile, such as its role in protecting against prostate cancer. Remember, it’s the dose that makes the poison.

And look at Asian men. There are, like what, half a billion Asians who eat soy everyday. Asians have been eating soy daily for centuries. Say what you want about small dicks and smooth bodies, but when is the last time you saw an Asian guy — lady boy Thai guys don’t count, those are implants — with titties? More proof:

No titties

No titties

He drinks soy milk everyday.  No titties.

He drinks soy milk everyday. No titties.

 

He eats stinky tofu everyday.  For past 10 years.  No titties

He eats stinky tofu everyday. For past 10 years. Still no titties

 

His Mom forced him to eat edamame everyday.  No titties.

His Mom forced him to eat edamame everyday. No titties.

Those are not titties, those are fat man boobs.  He got those from eating too many fries and drinking too much soda.  Not from eating soy.

Those are not titties, those are fat man boobs. He got those from eating too many fries and drinking too much soda and jerking off everyday to Asian porn. Not from eating soy.

 

They say J Crispy Dickhead has titties.  Not sure, hard to tell with shirt on.  J Crispy Dickhead does not eat soy.

They say J Crispy Dickhead has titties. Not sure, hard to tell with shirt on. J Crispy Dickhead does not eat soy.