Foreign Devil’s Guide to Ordering Nasty Shit at Chinese Restaurants

Wonder what Chinese people eat? Curious about how you can get some of it?  Want to try to act Chinese and eat some of the nasty shit?

Three types of Chinese restaurants.

1. Those that cater exclusively to Foreign Devils (that’s probably you and if it isn’t, go back to eating your nasty shit).  They serve food like sweet and sour pork, fried rice, General Tso Chicken, beef and broccoli and fortune cookies. Dishes invented in the US.  Not saying there’s anything wrong with these dishes.  (Though the fortune cookie is bizarre).

2. Those that cater to Foreign Devils and those who speak Ching Chong.  Foreign Devils get English menu; others the Chinese menu.  English menu similar to what you’d find at restaurants that cater exclusively to Foreign Devils, but includes dishes that originate from China. Chinese menu offers nasty shit.

3. Those that cater primarily to Chinese.  Only a Chinese menu.  Serves lots of nasty shit.

What’s the Nasty Shit?  
Some examples:

1. Jellyfish.  Slightly crunchy, sliced into noodles, usually drenched in a sauce. Barbarians who try it mistake it for a vegetable.

2. Beef intestine (tripe).  Also slightly crunchy in texture, sliced into noodles.  Soaked in a mild sauce.

3. Stinky tofu.  Fermented in some really nasty shit, so it stinks. Those who first encounter it may feel as if they’re locked in a 4×4 room with two guys farting nonstop after a been and milk meal.  Be patient, stick with it.  When you acquire taste for it, it’ll smell like your own fart.  Or your own feet. Stinky but oddly pleasurable, enticing.  Addictive.  You’ll want more.

4. Duck tongue. Yes, it’s possible.

5. Chicken feet.  Fun to eat, get it at any place that serves dim sum.  Slow cooked in a sauce, the bones break off easily.  You play with them in your mouth, using your tongue to strip off the meat.  Then spit out the bones.  This is how I learned to kiss before my first kiss.

6. Fish eyeballs.

7. Fish heads.  That’s why we keep the head on.  We plan on eating it.

8. Duck head.  That’s why we keep the head on.  We plan on gnawing on it.

9. Pig’s colon.  Don’t worry, the caca has been washed out.  And even if it hasn’t, it’s thoroughly cooked.  No worries, I promise. Sheesh.

10. Pig uterus.  Why toss it, waste it?  Cook it in some soy sauce, slice it up.  It’s like Chinese calamari.

How to Get the Nasty Shit

First, you’ve got to convince your server that you’re ready for the nasty shit.  If you speak Chinese, they’ll give it to you.  If you don’t, they’ll hesitate, and in some cases, not give you what you order (give you fried rice and orange chicken instead).  Be persistent.  Have what you want written on paper, English is fine in restaurants that serve both Foreign Devils and Chinese.  If you’re in a restaurant that serves mostly Chinese people, use sign language. Make a claw (with hand, not feet)if you want chicken feet.  Point to stomach if you want beef tripe.  Squeeze your nose if you want stinky tofu.  Make fish lips and point to eyes if you want fish eyes.  Do it. Do it. It works. But don’t point at your asshole if you want pig colon. Trust me on this one, too much room for misunderstanding.

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Most of the body parts above are also served throughout Europe, South America, and Africa.  Question arises: if most of the world eats offals and this ingredient and that body part served in this and that way, how did the American palate develop to become so limited? It wasn’t always this way (and has become more adventurous since the 90s).  To explore how the mainstream American palate was developed after WWII is to ask questions about the politics of food and eating and the psychology of nation-building.

Part II on the national development of the American palate coming soon…

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Application Questions 6.0

Two part-time positions.  One for Barista, the other for Barista’s Bitch.

Barista job duties:prep food and drinks with precision and alacrity; change expletive laden music when kids walk in; serve customers; listen — learn about and from — customers; tell customer to fuck off; remind customers to shut bathroom door; figure out what people really want, not what they say and/think they want; recognize patterns of behavior; deal with hung-over and emotional co-workers; berate customer for acting like an asshole; ask questions; draw stuff on windows; download music; clean mess; correct co-worker’s grammar; explain why ionized water is for dumbasses; explain difference between glycemic load and glycemic index so customers stop freaking out about carrot juice; make inappropriate comments that will get you fired everywhere except Microsoft; make co-worker stop acting like a whiny bitch; babysit your Bitch.

Barista’s Bitch job duties: shut-up, observe, learn, emulate, ask questions.  Cry at home.

Application questions below.  Research online for clues.  Be honest.  Be consistent.  Think about reality, what makes sense. To recognize reality, try to get out of your own reality and consider what makes logical sense. This test is modeled after MMPI used by hospitals and law enforcement agencies to assess mental health.  Its purpose is to figure out who is batshit crazy.  Even if you score batshit crazy — nearly all of you will, some because of your lack of experience, others because of your social background — you may still get hired because batshit crazy is, well, normal, common. Our job is to help you grow out of batshit crazy stage of life, to help you develop a stable identity and to recognize reality about yourself and others.

Check yelp to learn more about Alive Juice Bar. (If you apply to restaurants without reading their Yelp reviews, then you don’t deserve to use toilet paper ever again).  If you have a history of working at establishments with poor yelp reviews, you’ll be asked about bad habits you’ve picked up.  Not saying we’re awesome and set the standard.  Our faults are many, and we find them intolerable.  We just want to keep improving rather than devolve into something awful.

Bold face your answer. Pick best answer. Attach resume.

Let’s begin!

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Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”

How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
a)100
b)70
c)40

How many hours a week does the CEO of Yahoo work?
a)100
b)70
c)40

How many hours a week does Eminem work?
a) 100
b)70
c)40

What’s Plato’s Republic about?
a) Why we’re all dumbasses
b)How to be happy
c) The meaning of lfie

Why is your boss so mean to you?
a) Because she’s a bitch.
b)Because I keep fucking up.
c) Because she’s secretly in love with me.  That’s just her way of expressing it.

Why is your boss so nice to you?
a) Because I’m awesome at my job.
b) Because I sucked his dick.
c) Because it’s easier than explaining to me how and why I keep fucking up and fixing the problem.

Efficiency or Creativity?  Choose one.
a)Efficiency
b)Do I have to?  I want to pick both.
c)Creativity

Nice or Kind.  Choose one.
a) Nice
b) Kind
c) I’m confused.  My head is starting to hurt.

Who is overpaid?
a) Microsoft Engineer making $150,000 a year, full benefits, 3 weeks paid vacation,matching 401k.
b) McDonald’s Cook making $10/hour, no benefits, no paid vacation.
c) Police Officer making $75,000 a year, full benefits, 4 weeks paid vacation, lifetime pension after retirement (20 years service).

What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
c)Bangs his hot secretary.

How often do you experience road rage?
a) Once a day
b) Once a week
c) Never

Why are you so mean?
a) I’m impatient, I get annoyed at people easily.
b) I’m not mean, I’m nice, I don’t like hurting other people’s feelings.  Mean people suck.
c) If I’m not mean, I’ll get stepped on.  They’ll crush me.

Why are you so lazy?
a) I’m not lazy.
b) I don’t have enough responsibilities.
c) I have chronic fatigue syndrome.

Why are you so lazy?
a) I get stressed out easily.
b) I’m self-centered and self-absorbed, so I don’t like making sacrifices for others. It’s too much work.
c) I like having fun. I need rest and relaxation.

Why do you work so hard?
a) I have a lot of responsibilities
b) I’m ambitious, I want to do something special
c) I don’t work hard, I’m lazy

Why are your friends boring?
a) They’re not boring. They’re a lot of fun.
b) They never want to try anything new. They talk about and do the same things over and over again. They’re really conventional.
c) I don’t know.

How many years SHOULD you spend in jail?
a) 0
b) 1-3
c) more than 3

Why are you so lazy?
a) I daydream a lot.
b) I’m bored.
c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.

What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
c) Getting his dick sucked by two of his dancers.

Why are you so stupid?
a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask questions.
b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!

Why are you so smart?
a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.

Why do you hate poor people?
a) We hate those we’re afraid of becoming. I’m afraid I’ll become or am one of them
b) I don’t hate them. I want to help them by showing them how to become better, someone more like me.
c) They’re lazy and have bad habits that are ruining society. They’re hopeless.

What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
a) Reading Diary of Anais Nin
b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.

How many people do you hate?
a) 0
b) 1-5
c) More than 5

What would you do to someone you hate?
a) Fart on them.
b) Get Dark Ages on them, dungeon style
c) Death by thousand cuts.

OPEN ENDED QUESTION
Person A from age 5 to 25, attends school 6 hours a day, studies 4 hours a day, spends 6 hours of leisure time learning to build and building, with like-minded friends, random things, like a tree house, a bridge, a dog walking robot. A also spends an hour per day daydreaming of building something that will improve world’s standard of living. At age 25, he graduates with a Masters degree in electrical engineering and is offered a salary of $150,000 to work as a product developer for a green tech company. He gets 3 weeks vacation, full benefits. He accepts the position and works 60-80 hours per week, and is expected to be available for phone calls and e-mails during his vacations. He pays Federal Government 30 percent of his earnings.

Person B, from age 5-25, attends school 6 hours a day, studies 1 hour a day, spends 6 hours of leisure time passively watching TV shows and films like Jersey Shore and Twilight, 3 hours a day daydreaming about being wealthy and pampered and adored by everyone. At age 25, he graduates with a degree in Socks, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. Unable to find a job in his field of study, he takes a job as a cashier at McDonald’s, making $10 per hour, 40 hours per week, or $20,000 for the year. He doesn’t have to pay taxes.
Let’s assume one of them is “underpaid.” Which one and why?

Multiple Choice
What did Walmart founder Sam Walton drive?
a)Beat up pickup truck
b)BMW
c)Hummer

Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question, like, 3 times.  This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.

Open Ended Question

Mary hires Peter and Paul to dig two ditches, assigning one to each. Peter finishes in one hour because he used his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper. Paul, using a shovel, finishes his in 8 hours. How much should Mary pay Peter. How much to Paul? Whom should she hire if she wants a third ditch?

How do poor people talk?
a) They brag about themselves, make themselves seem better than they are.
b) They like to talk a lot about their problems.
c) They talk like desperate victims, begging for help.

How many hours did Peter spend developing his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper?
a) 2, genius comes naturally to him
b) 200, he got a lucky break
c) 2000, innovation is hard work

Why are you so lazy?
a) There’s no point in working hard. Life is unfair, it won’t get me anywhere.
b) Most of my friends are lazy. It’s contagious.
c) I’ve never been exposed to those who work hard and long, like 100 hours a week.

The person who wrote this application:
a) Is an angry mother fucker.
b) Is batshit crazy. This is some fucked up shit.
c) Is trying to be funny.  Ha ha.  Ha.  Right?

How Schools Produce Fuck Ups

Imagine two approaches to teaching students: either impart centuries old time tested wisdom and approaches to learning disciplines, as taught by Plato, Aristotle, Rousseau, Da Vinci, Sun-Tzu,  Al-Khwarizmi, and so forth. Or rely on poorly tested pedagogical theories produced by academics from relatively new disciplines (eg. Education) that are based on problematic methodologies.

Most schools choose the latter. The best schools the former.  Here’s what students learn at each (latter = New; former = Classical):

New Philosophy: Be happy. Happiness is ultimate goal of life.
Classical Philosophy: You’re a dumbass, you don’t know jack shit.  Those who don’t realize they’re dumbasses who don’t know jack shit are dangerous, will never grow, and will be miserable (summary of Plato’s Republic and Socratic dialogues, which are foundations of Western philosophy).

New History: Bad people do terrible things to good people.  Good people are victims.  Be good and help these victims.
Classical History: People do some fucked up shit to each other.  Figure out ways to protect yourself from other people.  (Thucydides, History of the Peloponnesian Wars).

New Science: Nature is beautiful and thus should be left alone, protected from human intrusions.
Classical Science: Nature is fascinating and unpredictable and thus will do some fucked up shit to people.  Figure out a way to work with nature, to protect yourself from its whims. (Francis Bacon).

New Math: Math is for boring people who are not creative.
Classical Math: Use of numbers is the most precise way to map and describe the world. It’s a language and critical to understanding many fields, including music and art.  (Leonardo Da Vinci).

New Literature: It’s wrong to feel hate, rage, and anger.  Such emotions must be repressed.
Classical Literature: Life is cruel, lonely, and painful.  Deal with it by embracing full spectrum of emotions, including hate, rage, and anger. Use such emotions to motivate oneself, to fight against failure.   (Dylan Thomas, Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night).

New Writing: Good writing uses lots of big words, many adverbs, and strings of long sentences.  Good writing is an expression of one’s feelings.
Classical Writing: Good writing is succinct, concise, and precise.  Good writing is simple and focused on effective communication.  (Common Fucking Sense)

New Social Studies: Make the world a better place by protecting people, especially children, from stress, so they can maximize their potential and create a fair world.
Classical Social Studies: People, especially children, must be exposed to frustration and pain, and learn to embrace a wide range of experiences and emotions in order to prepare them for reality that’s often cruel and unfair. (Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile).

The reason so many schools choose new, untested, theories is because they promise dramatic improvement with less work.  Figuring out what the best schools do right and emulating them is too much work and likely too offensive to too many parents. The best schools are run by leaders who understand the value of and the extraordinary effort it takes to improve on time-tested wisdom.  It takes a lot more than simply being “nice” — easy to do — to a kid to make him capable of learning how to learn, to be sentient, compassionate, and passionate.  That’s why the best schools — public and private — expose their students to pressure packed environments that test their resolve, both in the classroom and on the field. The rest instead complain that students are too overworked, too stressed from this, that, and whatever.

Consider the above distinctions carefully, how they produce different results.  For instance, the kid who thinks nature is merely beautiful is NOT going to become a scientist working to solve problems that arise from climate change because she will NOT have the same sense of urgency as that kid who thinks nature is fascinating and sometimes cruel.  She will more likely become a self-righteous activist. That’s because the “nature is beautiful” narrative feeds one’s narcissism —  “so nature is meant for my enjoyment, my pleasure, and I must defend that which is made for my pleasure.” Nature as “fascinating and cruel” motivates because it understands science as the race against disaster.  Starting to see how a public school like Stuyvesant, full of working class students, can consistently produce world changing scientists from each one of its classes, while ours mostly produce activists?

Alright, so I’m exaggerating — I was trying to get your attention — our schools don’t produce mostly fuck ups.  The point is, they’re mostly producing mediocrities and we have to figure out why that’s the case.  Unless we’re fine with mediocre, which in this rapidly globalizing and competitive world can quickly become the new Fail.  Now that’s fucked up.

Closing Procedures (For Employees Only)

 

1. Clean back stations, sweep back (8pm).

2. Take out trash. Bring trash back if bins are full.  Don’t leave trash outside bins.  If you do (and some are stupid enough to do it twice), you deserve to slip on a banana and have a carrot lodged up your ass.

3. Clean prep stations.

4. Sweep and mop floors. Do not ask customers to do it for you.

5. Turn off rice and beans (9pm).

6. Review credit card tips for errors.

7. Check crock pots (all on warm unless told otherwise)

8. Wipe down tables

9. Break down and wash juicer (20 minutes before close).  You have option to tell customer that juice is no longer available, but encourage him to purchase smoothie or shake instead.

10. Put rice and beans in fridge.

11. Tip out. Clock out.

12. Change sign, lock front door, turn off sign.  In that order.  (muscle memory).  In other words, don’t close store until you’re done with clean-up, even if that means staying open past closing time.  Customers can still pick up food, and you can still make smoothies and shakes.

13.  Turn off music.

14. Make sure oven is off.

15. Turn off lights.

16. Exit back.  Slam door shut.  Get your ear trained to hear that sound.  (Back door has been left ajar).

Note on customers who are still in store: invite them to stay after you leave.  Ask them to leave out back.  Tell them if they d0n’t shut door properly, I’ll terrorize them.  Remind them to leave money for whatever food they take.

Don’t hesitate to rock out during last hour.

 

Your Hobby is Not Your Passion

Applicants tell me that they’d work “100 hours a week” if they were passionate about their work.  Many also tell me that they can’t figure out why they lose passion in every interest they pick up.  In other words, they’re asking me why they’re aimless and depressed.

“Give them time, they just need to find their passion,” offers the well meaning parent.  Cliche aside, sure sure, but how does one find passion?  People seem to think it’s about sampling as many different interests until there’s that  — woo woo! — perfect spark, perfect match.  Serenfuckingdipity. Those who lack passion simply didn’t get a chance to sample enough activities, declares PTA mom who voted to give all students their own laptop. Solution: provide more activities, more electives until every one of these little darlings finds his/her passion.

Won’t work because passion is first and foremost an act, not a feeling.  If you think it’s a feeling that drives action, then you have it ass backwards.  It starts as an action — mostly painful and frustrating — that gradually, slowly, leads to rare euphoric feeling (achievement), to feeling passionate about something.  Anything, not just the usual writer-rockstar-journalist-event-planner-jock fantasy.  Could be picking up dog shit, or scamming people with three card monty, or pimpin’ midget hoes. There’s no hierarchy of activities, one can LEARN to be passionate about anything.

Think of it this way, what’s the difference between infatuation and love?  Infatuation is instant, it’s the moment she thinks she’s met her ideal man.  Let’s see: tall (not too) dark (the right kind of dark) and handsome; six figure salary (low six figure so she can maintain her leftie politics without being called a champagne socialist); awww yeah, a nice, Zulu-sized dick (without it coming from Zulu-land). “It was meant to be,” she coos.  Yeah. Until he demands anal sex from her daily and she develops bowel problems. Zulu dick not so fun now, eh?

Above illustrates what many experience when choosing a calling.  The reason why so many lose passion for something — quit — is because they can’t handle pain and frustration, failure.  They’re infatuated with this and that career. They can’t take it up the ass because they idealize the life of whatever it is they want to be.  They never think about the process of becoming a surgeon; or a rock star; or a porn star; or President of USA. To develop passion, one must learn to take it up the ass.

Take the kid who wants to be a rock-star.  He practices and practices.  Sends demos to studios.  Only rejections.  Dejected, he quits. Another kid keeps going, practices more after each rejection. Keeps going until he gets his first contract.  It’s disingenuous to say that for the former, it just wasn’t meant to be while for the latter, he simply has passion for music.  No, the former couldn’t handle failure and his feelings of frustration. The latter did. He invested more and more in spite of mounting rejections.

Yeah yeah, there’s more to it, we’ll discuss later.  For now, let’s complete the analogy. What do you do to make someone fall in love with you?  Jiggling your tits will, at best, get you infatuation, and at worst, have you branded a slut.  Seduction means not only making someone notice and want you, but to also work for your affections.  And the deeper the investment, the more in love with you he’ll be. That’s why adage tells women to not spread legs too early, to make the guy wait work work wait for it. You slowly pull him in, show him a bit more of the prize each time he does something right. Push him away when he fucks up. Manipulative? Sure, if you say so.  But the other option is a guy who quickly grows bored of you. Or worse, a guy who doesn’t grow bored with you because he’s boring.  Love is earned, rarely given, because love is frustrating work.

The point is, passion, like love, requires work.  This work involves mostly lows — rejection and failure — and few highs.  The more pain and frustration one experiences, the better the high.  The inability to handle rejection and failure — likely due to sense of entitlement and poor impulse control — prevents one from developing passion.  I’ll ask an applicant, over e-mail:

Hey, thanks for your response.  Can you make your responses more readable?  Think about how your audience is experiencing your response.  Also reconsider your answers for questions 4-9.  Do an internet search.  Finally, aim to be consistent.  Resubmit at your leisure.

Two-thirds respond with a tantrum.  Most of the rest respond by trying to do as I ask, treating each task as an annoying hurdle than as a learning experience, dropping out after getting frustrated with being asked to reconsider this and that.  Rarely, someone figures out that the interview begins the moment I e-mail them and that they’re being tested on how well they handle failure, how they talk about their failures, and their willingness to learn from their failures.  I’m testing their capacity for passion.

Why Your Hobby Is Not Your Passion
So you like cooking and serving your friends.  Or you can play a video game 16  hours  straight.  You’re starting to think that cooking is your passion.  You wonder why a game is so fun but life isn’t.

The reason you think cooking is your passion, is pleasurable, is because people compliment you on it.  It’s fun because your ego is getting massaged.  Cooking is not your passion precisely because it’s your hobby.  Don’t confuse the feeling you get from affirmation of the ego (happiness) with passion. Passion rarely feels good. Cooking, for most, isn’t so fun when Gordon Ramsay asks you why you’re a stupid cunt for frying an egg in boiling oil. If it is fun having a maniac scream in your face about fuck ups your friends and family either won’t mention to you or don’t notice, then maybe your hobby is your passion.

Video games are fun because they’re manipulative.  They use push-pull tactics great seducers use to lure their love “victims.”  They make you struggle, and you’re rewarded if you work hard enough, solve enough problems.  So why can’t this work ethic, this passion to solve problems, be easily carried over to real life?  Because real life is REAL, where the consequences of not killing all the Satanic looking giant penguins is REAL death and destruction of humanity. Where a wrong decision means REAL nuclear holocaust. Where serving a bad dish to a REAL prominent reviewer sinks your REAL business. Where “redo” and “restart” aren’t options. The pressure is REAL. Most hobbies are NOT REAL.  They merely provide ESCAPE from REALity.

How to Train Passion into Child
Say a child wants piano lessons. Make him accomplish something to earn the right to take piano lessons. Don’t just give it to him. Make him earn it.  He’ll be more likely to stick with it if he has to work at getting a shot at it. And when he begins to experience difficulty, DON’T LET HIM QUIT! Don’t make the lame excuse of “it’s just not his passion,” or the equally asinine “it’s just not his forte.”  Don’t create someone who will never become passionate about anything.  The activity is irrelevant, passion is expressed through one’s ability to handle failure and pressure.

Meaning and Fulfillment
Working long and hard isn’t enough to make someone passionate about something.  The act has to be meaningful.  Acts that are meaningful are those that help other people become better.  Any activity can be meaningful. The three card monty scam artist can be passionate about scamming people because he believes he’s helping dumbasses figure out how naive and stupid they really are.  A beer maker can be passionate about his work because he thinks he’s helping people to relax and have a good time with friends.  A football player can be passionate about getting brain cells knocked out of him because he wants the feeling of winning a championship and bringing a city together like never before.

The cook who seeks approval and affirmation instead of, say, redefining proper portion sizes to help people control weight is going to hate her job because work, at the highest level at least, is mostly rejection (most people don’t like being told they eat too much), little affirmation.  The kid who wants to be a rock star so he can get laid whenever he wants will never become the rock star working to resolve a geopolitical conflict that has cost many lives.  Put simply, passion is the act of serving other people. Passion is Sisyphean rage against the inevitable, that “rage, rage against the dying of the light.”