How to Write a Resume (for teens) Part II

Not convinced “Seeking a job so I can get laid” is a legitimate OBJECTIVE to list on a resume?  Alright, so it probably won’t get a 16 year old boy a job at Nordstrom or Starbucks.  But it’ll be much more effective than the trite (copied) bullshit most people write if you’re sending to small businesses that don’t have rigid corporate human resources policies. One customer, a small business owner with 10 employees, picked the “get laid” resume over the “seeking position where I can use my awesome communication skills to provide your customers excellent service” precisely because it’s not trite and it’s honest.  Business owners get a lot of resumes and it’s like nearly everyone is the same, there’s little individuality. And we both agreed that the kid who asks for a job so he can get laid is probably more coachable and would be fun to mentor. This kid is less likely to have delusions of self-grandeur (eg. my awesome commnunication skills).

Sixteen year old boys ought to be focused on getting laid and fed. If a 16 year old boy is reading Kierkegaard instead of watching porn, then there’s something wrong with him.  Trust me on this one, this is a troubled teen who is about to waste a lot of time thinking about the wrong things, this is someone who may never be productive.

And most 16 year olds should NOT be thinking about the poor and needy.  They don’t have the work and life experience to help those in need.  They don’t see reality. I see well meaning teenagers do more harm than good because of their lack of experience and inability to detect bullshit and propaganda. They become self-righteous, obnoxious, and complacent. At this point, they should focus on not becoming a burden to society. It takes a lot more than a small donation or community service to help those in need.

So this kid’s goal in life is to get laid.  And fed.  Pretend you’re this boy. Now ask: “what sort of person do I have to be to get laid?”  List three.

1. Look good
2. Have money for good date
3. Be interesting/good at something

Now ask: how do I make myself look better?  Another list, perhaps:  Exercise/lift weights, eat well, wear flattering clothes.  You just listed some career options. Fitness industry, maybe become a trainer?  Medicine, become a plastic surgeon?  Fashion or food industries?  You’re no longer trying to get a job just to get a job.  You’ve narrowed your search. You have a glint of passion in your eyes.  You have direction.  You now have a reason to spend less time watching porn and eating Doritos.  (But don’t start reading Kierkegaard or anything with “existentialism” in title.  It’ll fuck you up, I guarantee it. Keep watching porn, just less of it because you need to work on getting laid).

How do I make enough money to go on a date?  Figure out how much you need and which jobs will get you what you need.  Figure out what you need to do to make enough money.  Figure out WHAT OTHER PEOPLE EXPECT FROM YOU, WANT FROM YOU and what you want from them.  If you don’t think this way, every job you take will be a dead-end job and life will be sucked out of you fast. You’ll have vacuous, confused, dead eyes.

(If at this point you’re asking why people can’t just love you for you, then the discussion is over, go back to bed).

You now have career aspirations!  Maybe you want a quiet modest life with someone who is simple and only want to work 40 hours a week as a middle-manager.  Maybe you want more excitement and money and you’re willing to work 120 hours a week to become a surgeon or a CEO.  Whatever you choose is fine. It’ll probably take you a few years to figure out what you want out of life.  (I still don’t know what I want out of life).

You’ve noticed that people gravitate toward those who are good at something (they’re not good at) or interesting to talk to (insightful and focused on others).  And being good at something helps one get a job and promoted.  If you’re good at something, you create a need for your services.  Ask yourself what you want to be good at, what you want to be known for.  Don’t think you’re good at anything?  That’s ok, at least you realize you suck.  Most of your peers think they’re great at this and that, which means they won’t grow.  With enough practice and preparation, you’ll grow and become good at something.  So you’re no starting to think about specialization.  Don’t think too much about this at this point.  Just realize that in order to move up, you’ll have to learn a specialty.

So here’s what we have for the OBJECTIVE:

Version 1.0: To obtain a position that will help me get laid.  (Send this out and you’ll get responses, I guarantee it).
Version 2.0:  To begin a career in (fill in blank) that will teach me the skills to build the sort of body that will help me get laid.
Version 2.1: Horny and hungry teen seeking a position that will teach me the skills and mindset to begin a career as a (fill in the blank)
Version 2.2: Teen seeking a position that will teach me the skills mindset to begin a career as a (fill in the blank).
Version: 3.0:
Version 4.0:

Write as many versions as possible.  Play around with each version.  Don’t worry about what others think, write whatever you want, whatever comes to mind. Have fun with it, some of you are too serious, too scared of looking bad (you have a fixed mindset). You can revise and custommize to fit better with the business you want to work at.

In Part III of this series, we’ll discuss WORK EXPERIENCE section.

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