How to Write a Resume (for teens) Part II

Not convinced “Seeking a job so I can get laid” is a legitimate OBJECTIVE to list on a resume?  Alright, so it probably won’t get a 16 year old boy a job at Nordstrom or Starbucks.  But it’ll be much more effective than the trite (copied) bullshit most people write if you’re sending to small businesses that don’t have rigid corporate human resources policies. One customer, a small business owner with 10 employees, picked the “get laid” resume over the “seeking position where I can use my awesome communication skills to provide your customers excellent service” precisely because it’s not trite and it’s honest.  Business owners get a lot of resumes and it’s like nearly everyone is the same, there’s little individuality. And we both agreed that the kid who asks for a job so he can get laid is probably more coachable and would be fun to mentor. This kid is less likely to have delusions of self-grandeur (eg. my awesome commnunication skills).

Sixteen year old boys ought to be focused on getting laid and fed. If a 16 year old boy is reading Kierkegaard instead of watching porn, then there’s something wrong with him.  Trust me on this one, this is a troubled teen who is about to waste a lot of time thinking about the wrong things, this is someone who may never be productive.

And most 16 year olds should NOT be thinking about the poor and needy.  They don’t have the work and life experience to help those in need.  They don’t see reality. I see well meaning teenagers do more harm than good because of their lack of experience and inability to detect bullshit and propaganda. They become self-righteous, obnoxious, and complacent. At this point, they should focus on not becoming a burden to society. It takes a lot more than a small donation or community service to help those in need.

So this kid’s goal in life is to get laid.  And fed.  Pretend you’re this boy. Now ask: “what sort of person do I have to be to get laid?”  List three.

1. Look good
2. Have money for good date
3. Be interesting/good at something

Now ask: how do I make myself look better?  Another list, perhaps:  Exercise/lift weights, eat well, wear flattering clothes.  You just listed some career options. Fitness industry, maybe become a trainer?  Medicine, become a plastic surgeon?  Fashion or food industries?  You’re no longer trying to get a job just to get a job.  You’ve narrowed your search. You have a glint of passion in your eyes.  You have direction.  You now have a reason to spend less time watching porn and eating Doritos.  (But don’t start reading Kierkegaard or anything with “existentialism” in title.  It’ll fuck you up, I guarantee it. Keep watching porn, just less of it because you need to work on getting laid).

How do I make enough money to go on a date?  Figure out how much you need and which jobs will get you what you need.  Figure out what you need to do to make enough money.  Figure out WHAT OTHER PEOPLE EXPECT FROM YOU, WANT FROM YOU and what you want from them.  If you don’t think this way, every job you take will be a dead-end job and life will be sucked out of you fast. You’ll have vacuous, confused, dead eyes.

(If at this point you’re asking why people can’t just love you for you, then the discussion is over, go back to bed).

You now have career aspirations!  Maybe you want a quiet modest life with someone who is simple and only want to work 40 hours a week as a middle-manager.  Maybe you want more excitement and money and you’re willing to work 120 hours a week to become a surgeon or a CEO.  Whatever you choose is fine. It’ll probably take you a few years to figure out what you want out of life.  (I still don’t know what I want out of life).

You’ve noticed that people gravitate toward those who are good at something (they’re not good at) or interesting to talk to (insightful and focused on others).  And being good at something helps one get a job and promoted.  If you’re good at something, you create a need for your services.  Ask yourself what you want to be good at, what you want to be known for.  Don’t think you’re good at anything?  That’s ok, at least you realize you suck.  Most of your peers think they’re great at this and that, which means they won’t grow.  With enough practice and preparation, you’ll grow and become good at something.  So you’re no starting to think about specialization.  Don’t think too much about this at this point.  Just realize that in order to move up, you’ll have to learn a specialty.

So here’s what we have for the OBJECTIVE:

Version 1.0: To obtain a position that will help me get laid.  (Send this out and you’ll get responses, I guarantee it).
Version 2.0:  To begin a career in (fill in blank) that will teach me the skills to build the sort of body that will help me get laid.
Version 2.1: Horny and hungry teen seeking a position that will teach me the skills and mindset to begin a career as a (fill in the blank)
Version 2.2: Teen seeking a position that will teach me the skills mindset to begin a career as a (fill in the blank).
Version: 3.0:
Version 4.0:

Write as many versions as possible.  Play around with each version.  Don’t worry about what others think, write whatever you want, whatever comes to mind. Have fun with it, some of you are too serious, too scared of looking bad (you have a fixed mindset). You can revise and custommize to fit better with the business you want to work at.

In Part III of this series, we’ll discuss WORK EXPERIENCE section.

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Cheat Sheet for Applicants

Been trying to figure out why nearly all applicants have trouble with research skills portion of job application. Someone explained his thought process while answering application questions. If his approach to problem solving and research is representative of much of working class America — I suspect it is — we are, as a nation, fucked. I’m beginning to understand why so many people can’t pass mental health tests such as the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) that are used by law enforcement agencies and hospitals.  Batshit crazy is the new norm.

This questionnaire is similar to MMPI.  Here’s an explanation of how MMPI works (not mine):

There is an untaught subject called “test psychology”. It requires you to answer questions posed with the same or similar situation, but described differently. The people that devise this kind of test deliberately ask the same basic question but using different phraseology. The primary object is to determine your consistency in responding. Unfortunately when different words are used in the second or (subsequent) question it may be interpreted by some test takers differently than that of the first. The best you can do is to read the question exactly as written and not try to guess what the question really meant. One of the reason these tests are so long is the repetition of the same basic question, sometimes in different parts of the test I believe that another reason (especially on police exams) is to determine your ability to remember earlier parts of a conversation and relate a more immediate discussion to the already provided information. If you succeed in your goal of becoming a police officer you will quickly learn that many individuals (suspects) when giving a verbal statement (especially when under stress) frequently contradict themselves. A sharp cop can pick this up and use it to further gather the facts.

Put simply, our questionnaire is a bullshit detector.  Not saying everyone who doesn’t pass it is a liar.  Studies have shown that the most incompetent tend to overrate their abilities, while the most competent underrate theirs.  (American students are notorious for overrating their academic performance).    Just saying that there’s a lot of self-deception (the result of the self-esteem movement where everyone is a winner, everyone is special).

More hints:

1. CEO and Eminem work hour questions.  I’m not asking for your opinion on how Walmart operates or if you agree with Marissa Mayer’s policies or enjoy listening to Eminem.  Nor am I asking if you  they’re paid fairly.  I don’t know if they are and it’s none of my business how much the owners of a company want to pay their CEO and other employees.  Don’t allow yourself to get distracted. Don’t allow bias to affect your thinking. Keep it simple, stay FOCUSED on the question, don’t let your mind wander off topic!

2. What am I trying to find out about you?  What sort of worldview makes one “work hard?”  Or be bitter and envious?  How does one’s perception of reality affect one’s attitude and mindset, one’s work ethic?

3. Distractions. The questionnaire is full of distractions.  Like Eminem getting his dick sucked.  Again, stay FOCUSED.  There are a lot of distractions in life.  How successful you’ll be partially depends on how focused you are on a task.

4. Question your assumptions.  DON’T PROJECT.  Just because you’d do this or that if you had a million dollars or fame doesn’t mean everyone else would do the same.  Most TV shows and movies DON’T represent reality accurately.  Your friends are not representative of every segment of society.  The other side of the fence looks very different once you’re there.

5. Review your answers.  Check for consistency.  Again, the same questions are asked over and over again, just worded differently.

If in the end, you don’t see the point of the questionnaire, think it’s irrelevant, then we’re not a match.  If you get it, and it keeps you up at night, let’s talk.