Seeking Cult Leader

Ever fantasize about being or at least sleeping with Darth(ette) Vadar?  Have you ever been called “cold-hearted” and “demanding?”  Ever wonder how Mao, Stalin, and Pol Pot got their gigs? Or how Ann Wigmore convinced so many people to pay a lot of money for something as useless as wheatgrass? Are people afraid of you so much that they’re afraid of losing you?  Do you admire people like Steve Jobs, Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer, and Bill Gates?  Want to be the next Gordon Ramsay or Marco Pierre White?  If you answered “yes” to all of the above questions, we may have a job for you.

Alive Juice Bar is seeking a Cult Leader.  Must be charismatic. Must have experience scaring the shit out of people on a daily basis.  Experience with organizations like Moonies, Landmark Education, College Pro Painters, Art Institute of Seattle, and Amway not necessary – we’re not trying to extract money out of people.  But must have experience following and reading about great cult leaders (owner follows and reads about Jesus). Formal education not necessary.  Formal management experience a must.  Management style doesn’t matter.  You can be the expletive screaming and fist-pounding type like Steve Jobs or the quiet and scary type like Tim Cook.

As cult leader, the owner of Alive Juice Bar will be your bitch.  He will advise and groom you and teach you about the business.  Keep in mind that he will not work under anyone who can’t scare the shit out of him.  Must be able to scare the shit out of employees and occasionally customers.  However, we don’t scare consumers, who are already terrified of US food and water chain, into buying our products and services.  We don’t sell shit like ionized water or spirulina.  Consumers are scared enough. We’re in the business of helping them control and understand their fears before they spend themselves broke on products and services of controversial value.

Cult leader’s job is to instill enough fear (and optionally, love) in the right people so we can realize vision and improve standards.  Must be prepared to be crucified at any moment and to have no life outside of work (for cult leaders, work is life).  Must be able to remove and crush, if necessary, anyone who gets in the way of the vision.

Respond with resume and cover letter if interested.  If interest is mutual, we’ll send you an application.

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