What I Tell Your Kids

There are some teenagers who want to work here.  Parents should know what I’ll tell them.

1. I’ll likely tell them to drop out of school, even if they’re in high school.  I *may* encourage them to stay in school if they’re aiming for an Ivy League type college or want to study Math, Physics, Engineering.  But if they tell me that school is boring — and most do — that they’re not learning anything, it’s guaranteed that I’ll tell them to drop out, to stop wasting time and taxpayer money, to start learning about life from the ground up instead of passively listening to asinine social theories and internalizing self-destructive habits and attitudes taught at most high schools and colleges.  If they’re in college studying something like Math, then maybe they should stick with it because at least they’re building discipline and maybe some sort of nascent bullshit detector that’ll help them steer clear of most socks, drugs and rock and roll classes.

I also tell them to drop out because in most cases, whatever methodologies, attitudes, and behaviors they’re learning in school is the opposite of what I’m trying to instill in them.  I’m tired of trying to get employees to unlearn the habits they acquired in school.  If they’re attending a school like Lakeside or a highly competitive IB program, maybe, maybe we can work something out.  Otherwise, the schools are working against me.

2. I’ll then tell them to save up so they can spend a year living as an illegal migrant worker in another country.  Like Afghanistan, Nepal, maybe somewhere in the Amazonian jungle. Anywhere where they have no access to Facebook, parents, and friends and have to work for survival for a year.  If nomadic life isn’t for them, I’ll encourage them to join the armed forces.  If not the armed forces, I’ll encourage them to move as far away from home and friends as possible, to start over.

So if your 16 year old teenager works for me, there’s a chance that he/she will turn into an AWOL high school drop out who rarely keeps in contact with you.  If that’s ok with you,  read on.

3.  Your child will often be reminded that he/she isn’t special.  Unless the kid already knows that, in which case, I work with the kid on developing and refining technical and social skills.  I’ve learned that those who think they’re special also think they deserve special treatment, despite being useless and unteachable at work.  There are studies showing that kids with inflated self-esteem are more likely to turn out as fuck ups.  I can’t have fuck ups working for me.  I’ll only work with those who will become failures, like me.

4. I’ll tell your kid what to drink.  4Lokos, Mike’s Lemonade, Long Island Iced Teas, mixing Red Bull and vodka — not allowed.  I don’t like working with people who don’t know how to drink.  I can’t imagine most of my customers taking someone who drinks Long Island Iced Teas seriously.  Anyway, depending on their personality and what they want to communicate, I usually recommend certain ghetto malt liquors (eg. Old English, 40 oz), scotch (good and bad ones), microbrews, wine that isn’t cloyingly sweet.

5. I’ll tell your kid to stop being polite and obedient.  Employees are reprimanded for being polite and obedient.  I’m not kidding, ask them.  We have policy sheet written about it.  This is a lean and mean operation.  Those who are polite and obedient are too slow and stupid to work here.

Some of your kids really, really want to work for me.  Some parents really really want their kids to work for me.  I’m asking parents to reconsider.  Do you really want your kid to become a high school drop out who rarely talks to you (and is never polite when she does), may have participated in unspeakable activities in some faraway land, is routinely disobedient and is on track to become an alcoholic and a failure?  I’m not trying to be funny.  I’m serious, this is what I’ll try to turn your 16 year old kid into.  This is the only way I can make my business work.

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