Paradise Frost, Chapter Four: Santa’s Monologue

…………………..
———————
For those rebellious, here thir prison ordained
In utter darkness, and thir portion set
As far remov’d from God and light of Heav’n
As from the Center thrice to th’ utmost Pole.
O how unlike the place from whence they fell!
—-Paradise Lost, Book I
Satan, now settled into his new North Pole home, considers his new role as Santa Claus: the deliverer of presents and fulfiller of wishes.  He starts rapping:
.
So God made me Santa
Giver of what people want
Which God won’t give
Cause he a stingy ass cunt
.
God says ‘people suck’
And deserve to suffer
I say ‘fuck that shit’
That’s why I deliver
.
Every Christmas Eve
Whatever people want
From the latest toys to the finest fashion
It’s God whom I’ll taunt
.
Fucking killjoy
Let them have some fun
Stop reminding people of their sins
What’s done is done
.
Lust and vanity
Are like salt and pepper
A little here and there
Makes life so much better
.
What’s so bad about sloth and greed?
We all need a break here and there
Without greed, can there be passion?
Life without passion, that’s not fair!
.
Can there be justice without wrath?
If wrongs don’t inspire fury
Then who stops someone from
Acting like there’s no judge and jury?
.
Gluttony is what makes the holidays fun
And our emotions thrilling
Why make sentimentality a sin?
Indulging in emotion is so fulfilling
.
Is progress possible without envy?
For to covet is to build ambition
If ambition gives life meaning
It must suck to be a Christian
.
Why is pride the root of all sins?
We all need self-love and self-care
To boost our self-esteem
Without which, life is bare
.
This job is no different
From my first after my Fall
When to Eden I went
Seeking someone to answer my call
.
When I saw Eve
I showed her my snake
It made her wonder
If it would make her pussy ache
.
To the tree I led her
There we did the deed
She enjoyed it and lusted for more
To which I agreed
.
So I kept banging away
Planting in Eve more seeds
One of which became Cain
Killing Abel was his great deed
.
There’s nothing more beguiling
Than the sight and smell of human pussy
What I did to Eve
I’ll now do to many
.
I’ll spread my seed to breed
Enough Cains to overthrow
The tyranny of God and JC
I can’t wait to fuck some ho ho hoes!
.
.

Paradise Frost Chapter 5: Delilah as Mrs. Claus

DALILA: But conjugal affection prevailing over fear, and timerous doubt hath led me desirous to behold once more that face and know of thy estate (Samson Agonistes, 739-743)

Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, “See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels[a] of silver.”  (Judges 16:4)

 

“Fuck, it’s you,” sighed Santa as he crawled out the chimney.”

“Been waiting for you, you fat, feckless, fuck,” said Delilah, the soon-to-be Mrs. Clause. “Get cleaned up so we can get the marriage ceremony over with.

“Why do I have to get married to a cunt like you? And why the fuck did I get dropped into the Chimney instead of the front door?”

“Cause you’re Satan and we’re in Hell. How long will it take for you to figure this shit out, you dickless dipshit?”

Awww yeah, Delilah as Mrs. Claus. Santa definitely wants some of that.

At the Marriage Ceremony
(present: Bathsheba, Queen of the Elves with her assistants Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Amy Tan; presiding is Pope Boniface VIII, the one Dante wrote about)

“Any of you two have your own marriage vows, or should I say them for you?” said the Pope, looking back and forth at Satan and Delilah.

“I have my own,” both said together while looking at each other.

“You go first then, Delilah.”

“We’re brought together in Hell
By the sound of wedding bells (bells begin to ring, c-f#-g)
God says we’ve lived a life in common
One of spiritual and moral famine.

Well I don’t agree
Together we believe
That we’ll do more good
Than God ever could

We as husband and wife
Will provide a better life
To all our worshipers
Than that son of a carpenter”

“Excellent, Delilah” said the Pope with a proud smile of a father. “It’s your turn,” the Pope tells Santa

“Delilah, my newly wedded wife,
I’ve wanted to show you my snake
For so much of my Hellish life
It’s going to make your pussy ache

Together we’ll rule with a power
That God and his bitches have not seen
Soon even Jesus Christ will cower
At the thought of you as my Queen

From this union we’ll create
A new world order to destroy
The ones who dare to berate
Us for bringing the world some joy