Paradise Frost, Chapter One: Santa is Satan

 

“How many human whores are you going to fuck this year for Christmas?” Mrs. Claus asked with a snicker.

“More than last year and as many as I can, just like every year,” Santa answered with a plain voice.

Today’s Christians mistakenly believe that Satan lives in a fiery place.  He did, at one point, like back when Dante was writing The Inferno. But God likes moving Satan around because he can — Mephistopheles, for instance, wasn’t an agent of Satan as people thought, he WAS Satan from 1500-1750 — and decided to assign him the job of being Santa Clause sometime around 1850, just as the idea of Santa Clause was becoming popular in America.

santasatan

Anagram!

It’s a cruel but appropriate job for Satan.  He had, after all, wanted to be God so that’s what God made him, but in comedic fashion — pot bellied old man wearing a ridiculous outfit living in the coldest place on Earth. Satan as Santa, like God, is aware of every believer’s sins and has to take and make judgments on requests for all sorts of stupid shit that stupid people want.

To ensure Santa does his job of sorting through the constant barrage of sins and pleas, God gives him one perk per year: Christmas Eve delivery.  That’s the only day he gets to leave the North Pole to do what he loves to do — give gifts to the unsuspecting, like the one he gave to Eve —  and he uses this opportunity to bang as many Satan Santa worshipping sluts as he can.

Mrs. Claus, also known as Delilah

And it’s the only day he can escape Mrs. Clause, who is the reincarnation of the biblical Delilah (the one who fucked over Samson).  On all other days, Mrs. Clause does something dastardly to Santa.  Once she fed unaware Santa his favorite Reindeer, whom she cruelly butchered by stabbing it to death with a carrot that was also fed to Santa.  Mrs. Clause posted a video of what happened on his Facebook timeline to let him know what he ate.  Daily she withholds sex from him, opting instead to openly satisfy her carnal urges with elves. It’s no wonder Santa is always horny on Christmas Eve.

Advertisements