Frequently Asked Questions XVII

General

Is it true the owner tried to stab a customer to death with a carrot?  
Who told you that?

How do people react when they’re charged the $5 Idiot Tax?
Fucking pissed.  

How are you still in business?
D
on’t know.

Why would the owner defend McDonald’s?  link here  
So people take responsibility for their problems instead of blaming convenient scapegoats.

Where did Roxanne G. learn to troll?
She participated in rap battles starting in middle-school.

Who are the greatest trollers of all time?
Socrates is the grand-daddy of Western trollers, known for his epic comebacks. Nietzsche is my favorite, he was Eminem before Eminem. Eminem is another great one.  Schopenhauer wrote a great manual (The Art of Controversy).  Milo Yiannapolous is entertaining but hasn’t reached level of the great ones.

schopenhauer2

Called Hegel a “flat-headed, insipid, nauseating, illiterate charlatan.”

Products

You offer gift cards? 
Yes!

Are you going to sell more cacao? 
Yes, and we’re going to offer more affordable version.  Won’t have the fancy packaging but it’ll cost less.

Where can I get turmeric that’s affordable? 
We sell it for $10/lb. Or go to JD’s Market on 44th and 200th, Lynnwood.  That’s where we get it.

What’ so great about turmeric? 
Reduces inflammation as well as leading anti-inflammation drugs without the side effects.

Do you offer gluten-free gravy?
Yes, it’s a special order.  We make it with cauliflower.   If there’s something you want that’s not on our menu, ask. You’ll be surprised with what we can make.

Health and Obesity

Why does owner think verbal compliments are the gateway to obesity and heroin addiction? 
Vacant compliments are like empty calories: they provide short-term pleasure but long-term pain. When the addicted experience withdrawal symptoms, they’ll use food to make up for insufficient verbal compliments.  When food isn’t enough, they use heroin and other drugs.

Some think it’s polite to give vacant compliments.  It’s not, it’s similar to those who say they’re packing love when they pack a school lunch full of empty calories for their kids.  Or giving candy to a kid to shut him up.  These addictions didn’t start with food and pharmaceutical companies, they started at the earliest stages of life.

creepycandy

Dude giving candy to kids — polite nice guy or creeper?

Society

Does NPR provide balanced news?
As far as American mainstream media goes, it offers the most balanced reporting.  

Does it lean left or right?
NPR promotes conservative personal values and, paradoxically, left-leaning social politics.

What do you mean? 
Typical NPR listener is upper-middle class and they love it when NPR features variations of Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hours rule and Carol Dweck’s grit and resilience philosophy.  Put simply, they value for themselves *hard-work over talent,* never allow themselves and their children to make excuses, and put in 60-80 hour work weeks.  Yet they allow those less fortunate to make excuses (and often make excuses for them) and to think that talent trumps effort, and support policies that infantalize them.

Why do they expect less from the less fortunate?
Modern day noblesse oblige.  Nothing generous or noble about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Reader Reactions to Job Application “Juice Nazi Seeks Head of Secret Police” (11.28.17)

HATE MAIL

“Hi, I just wanted to let you know that your tag line in your craigslist ad is the most deplorable thing i’ve ever seen a business put their name on.
I’ve taken photos of the ad, with the name Alive Juice bar right under the bottom of the photos on your ad, and I will be posting them on social media”

“…what kind of employee do expect to attract with an application that is as crude as yours?”

“I can handle all kinds of bullshit, but that application was offensive. Maybe I don’t want my kid to feel pressure to grow up to have a nine inch cock and girlfriend to ride it. Maybe I want my kid to grow up being emotionally and intellectually well adjusted, maybe even gay. That preferred answer denotes an immense level of heteronormativity and even a budding trend towards misogyny.”

“…this “application” takes methods of communication to a whole other level. How does your business remain open with an application like this being online?”

“…the Asian references are pretty tasteless. But you are forgiven.”

“Is this a real ad? If it is I’m shocked”

“Wow. Just wow.”

(Facebook)
“He’s like an annoying Midwestern morning radio host who doesn’t even get paid anymore, just wants to jack off into the microphone and call it “edgy”.

(Facebook)
“Alive is a racist cult built around the shitty, awkward personality of someone who thinks trolling is a business model.”

LOVE MAIL

“Best damn Blog i ever read and interview I have ever taken. I will happily be your minion and enforce your will on all who oppose you.”

“Omg hahahabbabab!
I read your ad,
I love you!
I love you.”

“I wanted to share how inspiring your post has just been as I continue looking for work, I would answer C to all the questions. Because, why would I ever dull the life around me with idle lack of accountability or good taste (relatively). My shit is as together as it can be working on less than consistent stability or responsible nourishment to my body. I am strong, now at 22 I realize while climbing out of my adolescent intercity self victimization, radical self love and the ability to laugh in place of tears has burned brightly in the fog of codependency, unhealthy expectations, and post traumatic stress disorder. Its much more funny in hindsight I have decided. Either way cheers for the post, I needed this. Ciao!”

What Makes a Good School?

Would you let the government run grocery stores?  What sort of food would be available if the government did that?  Think about that, we’ll get back to it later.

What Makes a Good Teacher?

Why do the best American private high schools rarely hire teachers with education degrees and don’t require them to be certified to teach?

a) Teaching quality doesn’t matter when all the kids are so smart and wealthy
b) So they can exploit teachers by paying them less
c) They know that an Education degree is a bullshit degree and teacher certification means jack shit.

Correct answer is C.  Check out Phillips Academy Exeter’s (one of the best high schools in the world) faculty if you don’t believe me.

If the best private high schools in the US rarely hire those with education degrees and teacher certifications, then why don’t government managed high schools (aka public schools), especially the worst ones, do the same?  Why don’t we emulate the best schools?

Education-Industrial Complex

Incompetent people spend more time preparing excuses for failure than working toward success, that’s why.  The purpose of the education-industrial complex is to maintain the legitimacy of government managed schools, despite its breathtaking failures.  It begins with lame excuses and hiding behind bullshit degrees and certifications that teach teachers to do the OPPOSITE of what teachers at the best schools are doing.  The most common lame excuses:

  • we lack proper funding
  • the students are poor
  • the parents are ignorant
  • we lack proper fucking funding
  • racism
  • sexism

When a project begins with excuses,  it’s guaranteed to fail because nobody’s identity is at stake.  People succeed only when they put everything on the line, when there are no face saving excuses to protect the ego.

Why Education-Industrial Complex Exists

For the same reason the Military-Industrial complex exists.  Military-Industrial complex justifies ridiculous military spending (number one and more than next 8 highest spenders combined despite sharing only two borders) by scaring the shit out of Americans, telling them that without the US military dropping bombs and invading nations around the world nearly every day, Islamic terrorists are going to blow us up, the Russians are going rape our women, and the Chinese will eat our fetuses.  And all it takes is a couple of incidents and the fear is cemented.

fetussoup

Conceptual art piece by Chinese artist.  US congress thought it was cannibalism — Chinese eating fetuses — and called for sanctions and Human Rights investigation. Fucking tools.

Education-Industrial complex pulls the same shit, convincing people that without mandatory public education there’ll be lawlessness and mass unemployment and the literacy rate would plummet, leaving the US poor and dumb.  All it takes is a couple of incidents of some high school drop outs doing stupid shit to cement the fear, even though most of our Founding Fathers — all highly literate — had little or no *formal* education and Abraham Lincoln — also highly literate — only had one year of school.  It’s also not clear how much of a role public education has had on literacy, as literacy rates were increasing — in response to the changing economy — long before public schools became popular and mandatory. Daniel Lattier on the effectiveness of public education:

Thus, the increase in American literacy cannot be solely chalked up to the creation of a public education system. Indeed, as statistics today show, an education system is no guarantee of literacy. According to a recent study conducted by the U.S. Department of Education, 32 million of American adults are illiterate, 21 percent read below a 5th grade level, and 19 percent of high school graduates are functionally illiterate, which means they can’t read well enough to manage daily living and perform tasks required by many jobs.

Maybe the number of terrorist attacks directed at the US would go down if the US military stopped wantonly harassing and/or invading other nations.  And maybe, just maybe, the literacy rate will improve if the government were to get out the business of funding and managing schools, just as it had before public education became mandatory.

educationindustrial

Children getting indoctrinated

What Makes a Good School?

  • Good schools teach grit and curiosity. Students at such schools are taught to struggle with and solve difficult problems on their own and with others, and to ask questions without fear of reprisal. (See Harkness Table Method used at many of the top schools).
  • Good schools also make competitive sports a required part of the curriculum. Sports teaches grit and accountability, makes the body more graceful, and trains students to hone and trust their instincts.
  • Good schools require participation in performance arts, especially theater arts. Theater prepares student to be comfortable in front of large audience, cultivates the memory, and teaches students to be more aware of how the intonation of their speech and the grace of their gestures affects people.
  • Good schools set higher and higher expectations and expect students to achieve them.
  • Good schools teach students that only they can educate themselves.

What Makes a Bad School?

  • Bad schools are concerned about the emotional health of students, which ironically makes them emotionally frail and crazy.
  • Bad schools tell students how to solve problems instead of letting them solve them on their own.
  • Bad schools reward knowledge instead of curiosity and train students to not trust their instincts.
  • Bad schools allow students to make excuses when they don’t meet standards and encourage students to lower their standards to get better grades.
  • Bad schools teach students that they need school to educate themselves.

What Happens When Government Runs Grocery Stores?

What did you imagine?  I’m guessing those of you who are Lefty-Goosey imagined grocery stores without candy bars and soda and tabloid magazines, with an abundance of fresh and organic fruit and produce, and limited but high quality supply of seafood and meat. Those from the Raunchy Right probably imagined something similar but with fewer options and more empty shelves.

If that’s what you imagined, your vision is probably close to what would happen.  One place that shows us what would happen is at the local government controlled public school cafeterias that follow the Healthy Hungry Free Kids Act Federal nutrition guidelines (2010).  Here’s what they serve for lunch:

 

Not bad, nutritionally — improvement over what had been served — but most kids hated it and didn’t eat most if it. So someone asked:

As more children start to bring lunches from home and forego the nutritious school lunch, we, as school nutrition professionals, ask ourselves, how did we get here? Our government implemented a law, regardless of your opinions on it, designed to provide healthier foods to children during the school day to help build stronger bodies and sharper minds. Now we find that law with seemingly good intentions has somehow backfired on us in some cases. We find ourselves fighting two opposing battles – struggling to meet the new nutritional guidelines while trying to get the students to eat the meals prepared in schools.

Taste comes first, taste comes first, taste ALWAYS comes first for most people when it comes to food. This program failed because government bureaucrats don’t understand the psychological and emotional dimensions of eating the way chefs do because they don’t have to, it’s not their money at stake when something fails.  These people have no idea what they’re up against.

Meals brought from home had a high probability of including sugary drinks like soda, chips, dessert, or even all three. Some parents might say that their child’s meals are packed with love, but in reality, they are packed with a lot more than that. Sack lunches were found to have higher sugar and fat content, along with more calories than a reimbursable meal option sold in the school cafeteria.

And that’s precisely why I spend so much time tearing down the cultural foundations — middle-class manners and delusions — of this kind of behavior. Some of you think middle-class compliments are good for society.  Wrong, a vacant compliment is no different from giving someone soda or heroin: all provide easy pleasure that we don’t deserve and will kill us. Those who crave compliments are going to crave sugar and are one bad step away from becoming heroin addicts.

A local Wyoming official who opted out of the Federal plan:

“A one-size-fits-all program doesn’t work everywhere,” says Decker. “And I also think that food is a little too personal to make a law. You can tell someone they can’t speed, but I don’t you can tell everybody what they have to eat every day.”

So I’m guessing that a government run grocery store will be “healthier” than most privately run ones. But most people won’t like it, will reject it, and it wouldn’t make a profit.

What Happens When You Let Government Run Schools and Make Public Education Mandatory? 
You get tyranny. Like the students who didn’t like the government run cafeteria, you get a bunch of students who don’t want to be at school because they aren’t getting what they want out of it.  Forcing people to do what they don’t want to do is tyranny, even if the intentions are honorable. You can demand a motorist to not drink and drive and to follow traffic rules because that’s what the motorist agreed to to earn the right to drive on government roads.  But we can’t tell people who haven’t done anything wrong that they have to go to education camps that fuck them up any more than we can force people to fight in wars they have no interest fighting.

What Happens If We Get Rid of Public Education? 
Those who want to be educated — including the poor — will still be educated, just as the Founding Fathers were when there weren’t many schools.  Many will become better educated than had they graduated from a shit school because shit schools are like bad hospitals, they make people dumber just as bad hospitals make people sicker.  Resources won’t be wasted on those who don’t want to be educated so society will be wealthier.  The economy will take off because people will begin working earlier instead of wasting time bored in school making themselves unemployable.  And most importantly, many more people will finally be free, instead of scared, to think for themselves.

Child abuse in the USA

 

 

How to Cook Like a Racist

Political indoctrination works like sexual harassment and rape.  How it happens in school:

  1. Bring together a bunch of people, the younger the better because they’re more impressionable and most don’t know what the fuck is going on.
  2. Convince them that they need to get good grades if they want to live a good life.
  3. Tell them what to think.  Assign work.  Ask them, for instance, “Why are fat people fat?”
  4. Grade assignments.  Good grades go only to those who agree with teacher.  Bad grades to those who disagree.  For instance, say teacher believes fat people are fat because of income inequality (as many Sociologists do). Kid who grew up with fat people disagrees because he’s seen them routinely choose Snickers bars instead of the more affordable apple — he gets a C and is told that his experiences are anecdotal and therefore mean jack shit.
  5. Repeat process until nobody trusts their own eyes anymore.
  6. Some who disagree will say “fuck this, I’m out” and are then stigmatized as losers (drop-outs). The rest learn to agree even when they disagree because they now feel worthless and are too scared to do otherwise.

That’s how political indoctrination works in the social sciences and humanities. It’s sick and twisted and there’s a big difference between getting students to understand what they don’t understand versus forcing them to internalize ideology that dulls their instincts and violate their core values.

How Harvey Weinstein sexually harasses and rapes women:

  1. Bring together a bunch of women who want a career in the entertainment industry. Younger the better because they’re more impressionable and most don’t know what the fuck is going on.
  2. Convince them that he alone has the power to make their dreams come true.
  3. Ask them to show him their genitals.  Ask them to touch his genitals.
  4. Those who do as he says are given new social connections, connections they actually could’ve acquired on their own.
  5. Repeat process until they no longer trust in their own ability to make their career happen
  6. Spread false rumors about those who refused to be sexually harassed and raped.

Some are thinking that this is a bad analogy because some people really believe what some teacher wants them to believe.  Sure sure, Annie by 10th grade already had a feeling that she’d be poor for the rest of her life because deep down she knows she’s a lazy shit so was primed to accept lame excuses about her sordid future. That’s why she majored in Sociology.

Annie isn’t any different from Tina, who enjoys the attention she gets when sexually harassed and her ass beaten red while called a “dirty whore” because she still has Daddy issues she picked up in Psychology and Women’s Studies classes. And just because Arlene has rape fantasies doesn’t mean she wants to be raped any more than Vijay the pre-med student wants to spew bullshit about the social construction of medical knowledge that no medical doctor takes seriously, just to get a good grade so he doesn’t ruin his chances of getting into medical school.

Thug Kitchen Cookbooks

Here’s what someone said about the Thug Kitchen cookbooks (which we sell):

These aren’t just recipes peppered with swear words, these white authors are taking their syntactic cues from African-American Vernacular English, then making the choice to add the vulgarity, the ignorance, the allusions to crime and police, the “thug” label, etc.

Another comment:

…what’s racist is white people using that language to personify a “thug” archetype. If you’d ever heard how these authors really speak it’d be clear to you that the voice they use for their recipes is a mockery that has nothing to do with their lived experience.

From another:

Seems that unexamined white privilege making safe and profitable for white folks to appropriate is the main thing enabling this kind of anti-black corporatist violence. As a vegan, if you want to invoke any kind of moral claim about your diet don’t do it while supporting these authors.

Are they racist?

Bon Appetit Pho Controversy

Bon Appetit featured a White chef showing audience how he likes to eat pho.  Here’s what people had to say about that (which got the video removed, sorry can’t show it):

“Columbusing at its finest.” (as in Christopher Columbus)

“PLEASE TRAIN YOUR ONLINE STAFF WRITERS IN CULTURAL/DIVERSITY SENSITIVITY!!!!!!!!!!!

“Yes, technically it’s okay to showcase white chefs who are making cuisine from a different culture, but understand that this is a sensitive topic and act accordingly and respectfully!!!!

“PLEASE I expect more common sense than to title a video with a command ordering people how to eat this foood!!!!!!!!! BE BETTER CULTURAL PRODUCERS.”

How to Cook Like a Racist

We first need to determine if you can cook like a racist.  Use guide below to see where you’re at on the hierarchy of the oppressed.

White -1 point
Fancy Asians (those from nations that have hosted Olympics) 0 points
Jungle Asians (those from nations that host diseases) 1 point
Brown Hispanics 3 points
White Hispanics 1 point
Black 4 points
Light Skinned Black (use brown paper bag test) 3 points
Native American 5 points
Gay 3 points
Transgendered 4 points
Female 1 point
Male -1 point
Poor 2 point (0 points if straight White male)
Obese 2 points (-2 if straight White male)
Muslim 2 points
Jewish 0 points
Christian (including Catholics) -1 point

*Note, Fancy Asians versus Jungle Asians is an Ali Wong joke we’re borrowing.

*No cheating!  Just because you’re a White male who has watched gay porn doesn’t make you qualified to be gay. Need to lick dick at least a dozen times to qualify.

*If you’re ethnically Chinese from any of the jungle Asian nations such as Indonesia and Vietnam, you count as a Fancy Asian.

*Sorry European Jews, you’ve been White since 2003 (according to the Village Voice).

Add up your point total.  Where you stand:

10 plus points: You can’t be racist.  Cook whatever you want.
6-9 points: You can’t be racist except to non-Whites.
1-5 points: You can be racist.
0 points or less: You are a racist.

  • If you scored 0 points or less, you should not be cooking because all of your cooking is racist.  You should be sent to re-education camp.   One year per point.
  • If you scored 1-5 points, you can only cook White people food or food from your ethnic group. Do NOT cultural appropriate from other cultures, unless it’s White culture. You can’t tell other people how to eat this or that.
  • If you scored 6-9 points,  you can cook White food, food from your ethnic group, and food from other ethnic groups as long as you receive written approval from a representative of that ethnic group or they’re cooking it with you.  If you’re White, you can tell non-Whites how to eat White people food but you still can’t tell non-Whites how to eat their food.
  • If you scored 10 and more, you can cook whatever the fuck you want.

Chinese Cultural Revolution and Why People Complain About Stupid Shit

Look to the Great Chinese Proletariat Cultural Revolution ~1966 to ~1976 to see what happens when this kind of political indoctrination goes unchecked.  Unprecedented turbulence and mayhem: schools and factories burned down, family members spied on each other, people were sent to re-education camps solely for being from the wrong class demographic, or for using a politically incorrect word or phrase, and for not adhering to an artistic style and format. For even eating Shanghai dumplings because that’s an example of bourgeoisie cuisine.  Books and ancient art were destroyed because they were of the Old Society. Recipes were nearly forgotten because people were terrified to cook and eat the politically wrong dishes.

What did it achieve?  Nothing, except more poverty, more violence, more anxiety, shitty food, and tremendous loss of historical artifacts and lives.

What does the Chinese Cultural Revolution reveal about people?  That people are by nature petty, vindictive, envious fucktards.  Healthy cultures check human tendencies toward depravity.  Dying cultures give in to such depravity. And being offended is learned vis-a-vis political indoctrination, it is not a natural emotive response. That’s why young children make rude remarks, they don’t see what’s the big deal. It isn’t until they become emotionally broken that they learn to be offended.

And perhaps China has been on the rise precisely because they gradually got rid of the “political correctness” that nearly destroyed them. Today, in China, you can criticize politicians — including the President and Premier — denounce corrupt officials, write songs about Socialism being bad, make funny commercials that would lead to race riots in the US, and cook whatever you want to eat.  There is no language police in China and their citizens don’t get offended by stupid shit. (Only thing you can’t do is question the legitimacy of the Communist Party).  People can’t be productive and innovative when they’re worried about stupid shit like political correctness.

I realize many Americans — unlike the Chinese who don’t care who they offend as long as it’s not their elders (that’s why they’re considered so rude by Americans) — truly don’t like to offend people. It’s a polite society. And that’s the problem, Americans have a tendency to back down (as Bon Appetit did) when criticized for being rude.  Do not back down, people are responsible for their own fucking feelings, they need to adapt to reality not the other way around. British social commentator “The Dangerous Faggot” Milo Yiannapoulos on American “niceness:”

This week I have been accused of causing “pain and divisiveness.” I should hope so. A terminal disease in contemporary American culture is niceness. Appropriateness and earnestness are this country’s cardinal sins. For three decades, conservatives have been scolded, reprimanded, backed into toothless, diluted positions, robbed of their effectiveness and browbeaten out of their zeal by language-policers demanding “civilized discourse.”

Don’t be fooled, they don’t want a civilized discussion.  They only want an excuse (triggered) to scream in your face, like these Yale students versus Resident Master who is trying to explain to them that well educated adults are not easily offended and can handle it when they are.  .

How to Fight Back

From NPR: Is it OK When Chef Becomes Famous Cooking Another Culture’s Food? White chef Rick Bayless has built an impressive career making and talking about Mexican food. On his critics and how he handles the attacks:

Pashman: “There are also other Mexicans and Mexican-Americans who are like, ‘Screw this guy Rick Bayless.’ So how do you feel when you get that kind of reaction to your work?”

Bayless: “Well, usually people who have that opinion of me don’t want to have a conversation. Those people that say it are usually very political, and they have a mouthpiece and they just go around saying it. And everybody thinks, ‘Oh, lots of people must believe that.’ And honestly, I don’t think they do. I know that there have been a number of people out there that criticized me only — only — because of my race. Because I’m white, I can’t do anything with Mexican food. But we have to stop and say, ‘Oh wait, is that plain racism then?’ “

Two points Bayless makes: most people (at least for now) don’t give a shit about this cultural appropriation nonsense so don’t worry too much about the accusations. And those who are this ideological do NOT want a discussion.  So don’t try to explain that cultural appropriation has been going on for thousands of years around the world and it’s been a good thing because as far as they’re concerned, a straight White male has no right to appropriate anything.  The Dangerous Faggot agrees:

The progressive Left is dedicated to the annihilation of America and every surviving libertarian and conservative person in it. The Left’s gratuitous vandalism of American institutions and its hostility to the principles that have made this country great cannot be fought with essays in magazines. The Left can only win by forcing us onto the uneven playing field of political correctness. I choose war.

 

How to Get Kids To Eat Their Veggies and To Love Their Parents

Let’s back up so we can get to the source of the problem.  How do you get someone to fall in love with you?  Pick:

a) Be really really nice to that person.
b) Hire a witch, cast a love spell.
c) Get that person to do things for you.

Option A doesn’t work, it gets you either ignored or used because nice is cheap, it’s ineffective, it’s too easy to pull off, there’s too much of it around.

Option B comes with a lot of side-effects and it can get weird when the spell hits the wrong target so better not.

Option C works, not because “relationship experts” say so, but because it’s the option that requires the most work.  Life isn’t supposed to be easy.

Why Kids Don’t Love Their Parents
People assume their kids love them because they think it’s a law of nature for kids to love their parents.  Not so, according to the Story of Oedipus, that motherfucker murdered his dad and then fucked his mom.  This story endures in public consciousness because it reminds us of the uncomfortable truths we’d prefer to not think about, or to only consider academically. Deep down, and in spite of incessant bromides about self-love as the solution, we know we’re no longer in the Garden of Eden and we’re unsure of what to do about it.

What makes the Story of Oedipus so unsettling and compelling is that while every character in the story knew what was supposed to go down, nobody knew what was happening.  That’s the most terrifying kind of horror. If it had just been a story about some kid throwing a shit fit for getting grounded and killing dad and raping mom in the process, we’d treat it as a sad and tragic spectacle and assume the kid became a sociopath because he was molested by his football coach and his mom was a drunk who called him a “stupid, useless, cunt” one too many times.

Instead, it’s a story about funked up shit happening to good people who try their best as parents.  Oedipus was born to good parents who had to make a difficult decision — abort their only child to save the kingdom and themselves. So they left him for dead in the middle of nowhere.  Oedipus, luckily (or unluckily), was found and saved by someone and then adopted by good parents — king and queen from another kingdom. And he tried to be a good son — when a prophet told him that he’d kill his dad and fuck his mom, he exiled himself, not realizing that he would soon unknowingly encounter his birth dad.

Only encounter with birth dad, they squabble and Oedipus beats the shit out of him, killing him. First prophesy fulfilled and nobody realizes it. Which invites us to ask unsettling questions about ourselves: would I love my parents/children if they weren’t my parents/children? Would I hate them and want to kill them, as Oedipus did? Would my kid love me if she didn’t need me to survive?

How many of us are Oedipus?  How many of us don’t want to kill dad and rape mom, but do so anyway, without realizing it?

How to Teach Kids to Love Their Parents

The Story of Oedipus reminds us that we live in a cruel and lonely world and nothing should be taken for granted. We can’t assume there’s an unbreakable and spiritual love-bond between a parent and a child.  And whatever bond there is is sociological and ephemeral, love requires a lot of work and perseverance.  Check out the confessions section of Scary Mommy if you don’t believe me.

If love is an action and not a feeling, then like most actions, it has to be taught and practiced, it doesn’t just happen. Teaching a kid to love a parent requires the same effort as making friends or getting someone to fall in love with you, it’s the same dynamic.  To make friends, you have to figure out a way to get that person to do something for you so they become emotionally invested in you. Benjamin Franklin, from his autobiography, on how to make friends:

He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.[

Make the person do something for you. Make them invest in you.  Below is an example of how Franklin turned an enemy into a friend:

Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book, and requesting he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days. He sent it immediately, and I return’d it in about a week with another note, expressing strongly my sense of the favour. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.

Take something away from someone if you want to make an enemy.  Give something away for free too often if you want to be used and disrepected. Have someone give you something if you want a friend.  Same dynamic when seeking romantic love,  according to random “romantic relationship expert”:

In fact, when people see you doing stuff for them for free, unsolicited, or uncompensated, their thought is never, “Wow, what a great guy! I should repay him in spades!” but rather, “Oh, that’s nice – it’s nice having nice people around like this who give me stuff. Thanks, nice person!”

Yeah yeah, I know your friend paid you back with food and drink when you helped her move.  That’s why you’re friends. You wouldn’t be friends anymore if she hadn’t reciprocated, right? Because it’d be disrespectful to not reciprocate.  Yet there are parents who keep giving and giving and giving to their kids while getting little or nothing in return; or the nice guy who keeps paying for dates and buying gifts but can’t get a commitment or even a make out session from his crush. Parents will then blame technology and culture for producing entitled, disrespectful and narcissistic kids; the nice guy will blame women for preferring assholes.  Both of which are lame excuses that prevents them from blaming the source of the problem: themselves.

Nice people are liked, but not respected, we learn from history and classical literature and political philosophy.  “Now that’s fucked up,” some of you are thinking, “I won’t play that game.” Fine, but don’t play martyr when disrespected because it’s a lot easier to play Santa than to empower someone to become who she wants to be.  Kobe Bryant, one of the most disliked AND respected NBA players of all-time on what he wished he had done with his money when he made his first millions early in his career:

You will come to understand that you were taking care of them because it made YOU feel good; it made YOU happy to see them smiling and without a care in the world…While you were feeling satisfied with yourself, you were slowly eating away at their own dreams and ambitions. You were adding material things to their lives, but subtracting the most precious gifts of all: independence and growth.

“While you were feeling satisfied with yourself,” because Kobe’s been there, he’s done that. He knows a handout is the quintessential narcissistic douche bag act that’s neither effective nor an act of love precisely because it’s the easy thing to do to gain short-term pleasure at the expense of another person’s dignity and long-term happiness.  Kobe on how he wished he had treated people when he earned his first millions:

When your [NBA] dream comes true…you need to figure out a way to invest in the future of your family and friends. “I said INVEST. I did not say GIVE.

Invest means not giving girlfriend the weekend getaway she wants until she passes a section of the CPA exam she’s been studying for; no blowjobs until husband sets personal sales record for the month; no squeeky toy for dog until she learns a new obstacle course; no catnip until the cat catches that mouse.  This is how people and animals learn to perform at high levels. And that’s why it’s so hard to do so, why it’s easier to give than to invest: investing requires self-denial, patience, respect, and the ability to enter another’s spirit. Giving merely fulfills immediate needs, it’s like giving heroin to someone who is in pain, or candy to a kid so he stops crying.  Kobe on the effectiveness of investing rather than giving:

As time goes on, you will see them grow independently and have their own ambitions and their own lives, and your relationship with all of them will be much better as a result.

So how do we *teach* a kid to love his parents?  To begin with, teach the kid to become *emotionally invested* in the parents.  And it starts early, by drilling habits. Meaning, parents don’t tie a kid’s shoes, kid ties parents’s shoes and shines them.  Parents don’t spend money to entertain kid, kid entertains parents by memorizing and reciting parents’s favorite poems and performing their favorite songs. Parents don’t pay for kid’s pedicure and massage session just because, kid massages her parents feet every day after school to earn that right once a quarter. Parents don’t cook and clean for kid, kid cooks and clean for parent and if the food sucks, send it back, have kid redo it because that’s how it is in the real world.  Parents don’t take kid out to dinner to celebrate first job; kid takes parents out to dinner when he gets his first paycheck to thank them for the opportunity to have a job and for driving him to and from. Parents don’t pay for kid’s grand tour after college graduation, kid saves and saves and saves to send parents on all-expense paid vacation to thank them. Parents don’t buy their kids their first house,  kid buys parent a vacation home before buying their first. That’s how to teach a kid to not send parent to a decrepit rat-infested nursing home when parent turns geriatric.  That’s how to teach a kid that love is an act, not a narcissistic and impressionistic feeling.

“But they won’t do any of the above,” some parents are thinking. Then reject them, just as you should reject an abusive spouse or a friend who stabs you in the back.  Because when a kid takes and takes and takes and never gives only asks for more, that’s abuse, they’re learning how to be abusive and they’re going to be abusers as adults. Why put up with it? Why feed it?  Only people who suffer from Battered Spouse Syndrome put up with that kind of shit.

helovesame

She knows, because she forgave him after she caught him fucking her sister.

batteredwifesyndromecycle

She gives all her money to her daughter. Her daughter routinely calls her a “cunt” and tells her to “shut the fuck up” when asked to do the dishes.

How to Get Kid Who Doesn’t Want to Eat Veggies to Eat Them

Answer is the same as how to get a kid to love parents.  Back to the question asked in the beginning:

How do you get someone to fall in love with you?  (Or, how do you get your kid to love you)? Correct answer in bold:

a) Be really really nice to that person.
b) Hire a witch, cast a love spell.
c) Get that person to do things for you

Which is easier said than done.  It takes a lot of work to get a kid to be emotionally invested in parents’s well being by teaching and training her to take care of her parents the moment she can walk on her own. If she doesn’t get in the habit of doing things for her parents early in her life, she won’t do it when parents are late in their lives. Amy Chua (aka Tiger Cunt to some) knows that so she trains her daughters — even at ages 20 and 23 — to be her bitches.  Here’s a contract she wrote and had them sign when she sensed her daughters were going to take advantage of her generosity:

WHEREAS Amy Chua and Jed Rubenfeld are the owners of Apt. [XXX] at [XXX], and their children are not;

WHEREAS Children owe their parents everything, even in the West, where many have conflicted feelings about this;

NOW THEREFORE

In exchange for Amy and Jed allowing them to stay in their NYC apartment from June 1, 2016 to August 1, 2016, Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld and Louisa Chua-Rubenfeld agree to the following irrevocable duties and conditions:

1. To occupy only the junior bedroom.

2. To greet Jed Rubenfeld & Amy Chua with spontaneous joy and gratitude whenever they visit.

3. To make their (joint) bed every day, and not to fight about who does it.

4. To never, ever use the phrase, “Relax—it’s not a big deal.”

5. To always leave all internal doors in the apartment wide open whenever Jed, Amy or any company whatsoever (including relatives) are in the apartment, with an immaculately made bed in full view and no clothing or other junk on the floor of the bedroom in sight.

6. Whenever any guests visit, to come out of the bedroom immediately in a respectable state, greet the guests with enthusiasm, and sit and converse with the guests in the living room for at least 15 minutes.

7. To always be kind to our trusty Samoyeds Coco and Pushkin, who Sophia and Louisa hereby agree have greater rights to the apartment than Sophia and Louisa do, and to walk them to the dog park at least once a day when they visit, within 30 minutes of being asked to do so by Amy.

8. To fill the refrigerator with fresh OJ from Fairway for Jed on days when he is in town.

9. To keep the pillows in the living room in the right place and PLUMPED and to clean the glass table with Windex whenever it is used.

ADDITIONALLY, Sophia and Louisa agree that the above duties and conditions will not be excused even in the event of illness, hangovers, migraines, work crises or mental breakdowns (whether their own or their friends’).

Sophia and Louisa agree that if they violate any one of these conditions, Amy and Jed will have the right to get the Superintendent or a doorman to restrain them from entering the apartment; and to change the locks.

All of which are reasonable requests since they’re getting free rent in one of the most expensive real estate markets in the world. Tiger Cunt on above contract:

The fact is, we’re never off the hook as parents. Even when your kids are in their 20s, it’s still a constant balancing act. Are we asking too much of them or too little? Are we being strong and holding them to a high standard, or just being too critical? Are we teaching them by example how to live a happy, meaningful, giving life?

More importantly, she’s teaching them how to reciprocate and to not take advantage of other people’s kindness.  She’s teaching them how to be gracious. She’s teaching them how to love. She doesn’t hope for reciprocity and respect, she demands it.

From UK Guardian:

Food researchers at Ohio State University and Cornell University in New York found that children are five times more likely to eat salad when they have grown it themselves.

Children who are *emotionally invested* in the food in front of them are more likely to eat it. They don’t necessarily have to grow it — they can prep or serve it, for instance — they just have to be involved in the work of making a meal happen to become emotionally invested.

kidgrow

Her smile isn’t fake, she wasn’t forced to smile.  She grows and eats her veggies.

Japan_Lunch_161358640906

Third graders in Japan serving food to classmates. Even though they’re not smiling, they’re still happy.  Or maybe they’re not happy about having to drink milk because they’re lactose intolerant, as are most Asians.  Either way, they’re going to eat their veggies.  Unless the Washington Post reporter is lying.  If he is, he’s a dickhead.

How to Get Kids Involved in Making Their Own Meals

But some kids don’t want to be involved in making their own meals. Which brings us back to the source of the problem: kids who’ve never been trained to love their parents (don’t misread that, read it carefully). That’s where it begins.  A lot of people think that pain-in-the-ass kids are the way they are because their parents haven’t loved them enough, haven’t done enough for them.  No, look around, look especially at the middle-class fuck ups, they’re the way they are not because they grew up poor or their parents have neglected them or they weren’t loved enough, but because they’ve never had to do anything for their parents.  They never had to earn their parents’s love.  They never learned to love.

A child who doesn’t know how to love another isn’t going to be able to learn how to love eating veggies.  Such a child is accustomed to receiving love (pleasure) from his parents without having to work for it.  So why would he want to work at improving his palate when he’s been trained to receive pleasure immediately and often, without pain and effort? Getting such a child to eat vegetables is the least of our worries. There’s going to be meth addiction.

Love isn’t the solution, it should be the end result.  By making love the solution, it becomes the problem. Children don’t need more love, they need to learn how to love. Only when they learn to love will they be ready to experience how good a succulent bite of sausage can be when preceded with a crisp bite of lightly sauteed zucchini; and appreciate the effort put into loving them from those who love them the most.

How to Make Black Bean Brownies (Vegan and Gluten-Free)

Our black bean brownies taste better and are healthier than conventional brownies. They’re not healthier because they’re vegan and gluten-free, they’re healthier because using black beans instead of flour makes it more nutritionally fulfilling.  You’ll feel satisfied with one serving instead of binge eating an entire tray.

We developed this recipe in house. We worked on it until we got the soft texture that makes brownies so comforting to bite into.  See how we make it in video below.

Note: The version we sell at Alive Juice Bar doesn’t contain sugar.  It’s still plenty sweet (unless your palate is fucked up) and tastes a more dark chocolaty.   Enjoy, and don’t hesitate to ask us questions.

 

 

In the next episode, Maria will show you How to Slurp Soup Like a Chinaman  (How to Not Eat Like a Foreign Devil series).  We also offer cooking lessons at your home for your family.

Frequently Asked Questions XV

General

Is it really true that you lock employees in freezer?
Define “lock” and “freezer.”

Dude, where did you get that black eye?
Back alley, behind the store.

Were you attacked by Social Justice Warriors who saw your job ad? (someone really asked this)
No.

Did you read Milo’s book Dangerous?  
Yes.

Is it as offensive as they say it is? 
As offensive as Eminem, Socrates, Nietzsche, Dr. Dre, Quentin Tarantino, Leonard Cohen, Georges Bataille, and a few parts of the Bible.  Less offensive than middle-class architecture and manners.

He was so offensive, they sentenced him to death.

 

Etiquette
Should my children go to etiquette school?
No.

How will they learn good manners?
They won’t at etiquette school. They’ll learn middle-class manners.

What’s wrong with middle-class manners?
Nothing if you don’t mind having a meal with a chopstick up your ass.

What are good manners?
Good manners isn’t a matter of following a set of procedures because appropriate conduct changes culture to culture, household to household: it depends on situation.  Well mannered people are observant, adaptable, and practical, thus able to be at ease in any cultural environment.  Etiquette school is a product of English colonialism and its purpose is to teach the middle-class to look down on those who don’t follow a set of procedures, even when the procedures don’t make sense.

Example?
To justify English colonialisn, a bunch of White Anglo Saxon Pricks taught that civilized people sit in chairs, while uncivilized (and deserving to be colonized) people squat.  Now we know that squatting is healthier than sitting in a chair.  Would you rather be “civilized” or healthy?

English decided to colonize these people because they have bad manners. Like squatting while eating and slurping their noodles.  They also eat with chopsticks instead of shoving them up their asses.

Sugar Tax

What do you think about the recently passed sugar tax?
It’s another one of those condescending taxes meant to humiliate the poor while making liberals feel good about themselves.

What do you think of the new job and education programs the tax will fund?
When you treat people like children they become children.  These programs, like most government programs, will be useless and impossible to get rid of once entrenched in the bureaucracy.

Doesn’t the tax help your business?
No and it creates a dangerous precedent. The debates about which drinks qualify are sure to get nastier and more confusing.

 

These people think they’re refined and sophisticated. Even though every one of them has a chopstick up their ass.

Why We Don’t Carry Wheatgrass (don’t read if offended by racist material)

 

Discussion about why we don’t name any ingredient a “super” anything and really really offensive material about Oprah and White people farther down. First, let’s get this wheatgrass debate settled.

We don’t carry wheatgrass, despite demand for it.  Here’s why:

From random uncredentialed guy writing on Skeptico blog: Wheatgrass is for Cows
Summary: Wheatgrass is for cows, not humans, as humans are unable to digest it as cows do.

But why should we trust some random guy on random blogsite?

From Webmd: Wheatgrass Claims
S
ummary: Review of independent peer reviewed studies of wheatgrass show that there’s little or no evidence of its purported health benefits to those who drink it.

But that’s just another website, the article isn’t peer reviewed,  and we don’t know if author left out studies in his review.  So let’s go with a renown Naturopath who is also an MD.

From Dr. Andrew Weil, MD (from Harvard),  undergrad in Botany (from Harvard); founder of Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine. Currently Clinical Professor of Medicine, a Professor of Public Health, and the Lovell-Jones Professor of Integrative Rheumatology at University of Arizona School of Medicine: Wheatgrass Does Not Deliver
Summary: Wheatgrass is bullshit.  Key quotes:

On benefits of chlorophyll: chlorophyll, the green pigment that gives plants their color, has no nutritional role in the human body, a fact that hasn’t stopped promoters from making extravagant claims for it. Secondly, there’s no evidence to suggest that wheatgrass or chlorophyll are substitutes for 2.2 pounds of vegetables. If you search the medical literature for “wheatgrass,” you find very few entries and none at all suggesting that it has any health benefits for humans.

Nutritionally speaking, wheatgrass simply doesn’t deliver on the promoters’ promises. I certainly wouldn’t recommend substituting it for any of the fresh vegetables and fruits in your diet. Spend your money on good, organically produced food, not on wheatgrass or other sprouts or grasses marketed as “super-foods.”

From American Cancer Society, which has provided funding to 47 Nobel Lauretes: Review of Wheatgrass
S
ummary: No evidence AND beware of supplements general, as actual amount of ingredient consumer wants varies. Person who made wheatgrass a health fad was a quack and batshit crazy.

In 1982, the Massachusetts Attorney General sued Wigmore for claiming that her program could reduce or eliminate the need for insulin in diabetics. She later retracted her claims. In 1988, the Massachusetts Attorney General sued Wigmore again, this time for claiming that an “energy enzyme soup” she invented could cure AIDS. Wigmore was ordered to stop representing herself as a physician or person licensed to treat disease. Although Wigmore died in 1993, her Creative Health Institute is still active. Wheatgrass is readily available, and her diet is still in use.

So what is it about human nature that allows so many people — the highly intelligent included, even Steve Jobs gets duped — to buy snake-oils like wheatgrass, to believe in bullshit?

Human Nature
If there’s anything to be learned from Cultural Anthropology (and there’s not much), it’s that as social structure evolves — feudalism to capitalism, for instance — social codes and archetypes from one era reappear in another in a different form. Example: Aunt Jemima, year 1900.  She’s loved by White people because she takes good care of them.  Mammy, the “house nigger” archetype. Oprah Winfrey, year 2000.  Same shit, different form.  Look at her audience — mostly middle-class White women. Oprah is their Mammy, telling them which books to read, which diets to follow, which causes to get worked up about. Only difference is that Oprah makes coin because she lives in a more advanced (or different) stage of capitalism than did those who represented Aunt J in minstrel shows a century ago.

Not saying those who don’t like rap (code) necessarily hate Black people.  Not saying those with Free Tibet stickers (code) dislike Chinese people or Asians in general.  Just saying it’s human nature to classify and differentiate, to codify and regulate identities. Telling people it’s socially unacceptable to call a Chinaman (archetype) a Chinaman (code) doesn’t mean people will stop thinking of or treat the Chinaman as a Chinaman, or a Wetback a Wetback, a Dago Wop a Dago Wop.  They’ll just find a more socially acceptable way to express difference.

The codes and archetypes evolve to reflect the aims and needs of the political economy. Slavery (code) in the US didn’t end because enough people *finally* recognized such bondage as immoral. You really think white abolitionists (archetype) gave a shit about “Negroes” anymore than they cared about the “free” Irish immigrants who lived a mile away from them in conditions, according to a University of Chicago economist, even worse than those of Southern slaves? Slavery ended because enough people figured out that it doesn’t work well with industrial capitalism. Slavery became immoral because it was becoming inefficient — less productive than wage labor — and not because the temptation to exploit other people in such a way had waned. Just because material life has gotten better and society more civil doesn’t mean human nature has changed. People are still scared and vain and will seek short-cuts to the Kingdom of Heaven by trying to create Heaven on Earth, with disastrous consequences.  People will forever do some fucked up shit to each other, with most justifying, rationalizing as good and just what they’ve done, from carpet bombing a village to interrogation by torture to massacre. Instead of burning the witch at the stake, now we post compromising photos of that bitch on Instagram.

History and Human Nature
Why is it we can laugh at or be horrified by instances of human depravity and degeneracy throughout history, yet not recognize our own sins and follies? We can laugh at Ponce DeLeon for being a dumbass for searching for the Fountain of Youth (AND believe in this story which likely isn’t true), yet we fall for wheatgrass, spirulina, weight-loss pills, cock enlargement pumps, reverse-aging creams, those metal bracelets that do whatever it is they’re supposed to do, and ionized water?

Medical doctors and scientists would probably blame low scientific literacy as the source of the problem.  Sure sure, most people don’t understand the scientific method or how clinical trials work or the difference between correlation and causation or how problematic observational studies are and what can be concluded from a mice study or what “double blind peer review” means.  But I don’t think a person needs to be familiar with any of the above to detect bullshit. We have built-in bullshit detectors.  We just don’t use them.

So why don’t we use our bullshit detectors? What makes it so tempting to hear only what we want to hear, to see only what we want to see in ourselves and others?  When do we become susceptible to believing fantastic promises that appeal to our vanities?

Part of it is how history is often taught, how we understand it.  “Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it.” Thanks for the reminder, George, but forgetting the past isn’t the reason why history repeats itself. History repeats itself especially when it’s NOT forgotten. Guy sentenced to life in jail for vehicular homicide didn’t forget his three DUIs, he was just being human, a dumbass creature of habit.  And I’m not claiming “progress” hasn’t been made, I’ll take my toilet over whatever Jesus used. I’m saying that thinking of the trajectory of history as “moral progress”  — qualified by “if we study history” — makes us blind to ourselves, our Original Sin. Unable to see ourselves in Pol Pot, Hitler, Henry V, Catherine the Great, Stalin, Caligula, Judas Iscariot, we become arrogant, vain, self-righteous and self-satisfied.  “I would never have owned slaves,” the American Apparel clad college girl tells herself as she reads Howard Zinn’s People’s History. “I would’ve released them, then teach them how to read, to start a glorious revolution.” Twenty years later she’s living in a nearly Black-less neighborhood, and the closest she’s ever come to helping anyone Black has been her purchase of tunes from Aaliyah and a Richard Sherman jersey. How’s that for ironic living?

Superfood as Colonial Narrative
Is there an Anthropologist in the house?  We’re going to need one soon.

(Artistic license taken) “Acai berries for super duper healthy living AND to empower the peasants, save them from greedy capitalists!”  In May 2009, Bloomberg reported that the expanding popularity of açaí in the United States was “depriving Brazilian jungle dwellers of a protein-rich nutrient they’ve relied on for generations.” From Reality Check: “False claims include reversal of diabetes and other chronic illnesses, as well as expanding size of the penis and increasing men’s sexual virility.” Oops, we fucked up.

“Quinoa for super duper healthy living AND to empower the peasants, save them from greedy capitalists!”  From UK Guardian: “Ethical consumers should be aware poor Bolivians can no longer afford their staple grain, due to western demand raising prices.” Oops, we fucked up.

(From Runa website, word for word) Runa is a social enterprise supporting indigenous farmers and reforestation in the Amazon. Runa brews beverages from guayusa, a super-leaf from the Amazon …”  We should know how this “social enterprise” (social fucking enterprise! these fuckers aren’t even subtle about it anymore) is going to end.  But we get duped by the same message over and over again: Fountain of Youth! Bigger Penis! Save the Peasants from Greedy Capitalists! We fall for the same pick up line because it makes us feel good, and because deep down, we don’t give a shit about those jungle dwelling brown motherfuckers, which is why we can conveniently forget — no, ignore — what happened to them last time we tried to help them. We just like to believe we care about them, and that their big big smiles are for real when they take photos with us. It’s as if colonialism never ended. Instead of gold and guns, now the imperialists use superfoods to fuck things up in their own fucked up way.  The colonial narrative, that trifecta of: glory and riches, more pussy, and White burden, continues on in American grocery stores and on dining tables.

Here’s where an Anthropologist may be of help. Instead of studying impact of superfood agriculture on environment and culture, instead of studying the Other, let’s study White people.  By White people, I don’t mean genotype or White individuals.  I mean White people as trope, as inheritors of a colonial legacy. As consumers of *all races* unwilling to recognize the colonial past in their post-colonial present. Let’s get to the source of the problem.

History and Human Nature Part II: Self Interest vs. Vanity

Most schools and media teach history as the story about good people as victims of bad people and that we have moral obligation to help the victims of present and past and punish the bad. Put simply, propaganda. The Aliens watching us from Alpha Centauri don’t see good versus evil, they only see people doing fucked up shit to each other, just as we see animals in the wild do fucked up shit to each other but don’t assign moral value to their actions.  That’s precisely the kind of story Thucydides wrote about in History of the Peloponnesian Wars. It’s a seminal historical text because it’s the first to be so cold, detached, impartial; because it isn’t a story about good and evil, it’s about *human nature* and how we can best protect ourselves from other people. It’s a story about how there are NEITHER victims NOR volunteers.  There are only competing self-interests that sometimes come in conflict with another.

Santayana’s “remember the past so you don’t make the same mistakes,” is an alluring way to read history because it appeals to our vanity. “Those bad bad people are them, and I’m me, who would never do that, I’m better than that” we’re led to think.  Really?  The only reason why the 19 year old girl who worships Ayn Rand (a Fuck You conservative) can declare herself a Communist (combo = psychobitch, guaranteed) without a hint of irony is because she doesn’t have the power to round people up and work them to death at a labor camp. And she’s too chickenshit to do anything more than tell her Facebook friends that that bitch is not her mom. Send her back in time — give her power, make her Catherine the Great — then we’ll see who she really is. There will be blood everywhere.

If Santayana’s version of history takes down the proverbial mirror we need to recognize ourselves in our readings of the past, reading history as the codification of identity and the study of human nature nails it back up for us to see who we really are.  With history as the study of human nature on repeat, every cheat, murderer, dumbass, fool, coward, and psychopath we read about becomes a story about our present condition, a reflection of who we are. It helps us recognize our own follies, our venality and arrogance, our total depravity. It may help us to smell present-day bullshit like this:

Ignored Since the 1950s – Is Spirulina Now a ‘Miracle’ High-Protein Super Food?

Imagine a plant that can nourish your body by providing most of the protein you need to live, help prevent the annoying sniffling and sneezing of allergies, reinforce your immune system, help you control high blood pressure and cholesterol, and help protect you from cancer. Does such a “super food” exist?

Yes. It’s called spirulina.

Which isn’t much different from bullshit from the past, like this:

004_Snake_Oil_Ad

The ingredients may change, but human nature remains.

The Vanity of Vanities
According to Socrates, there are two types of people: dumbasses who know they’re dumbasses, and dumbasses who don’t.  The former ask more questions and make fewer assumptions because of their insecure knowledge. The latter ask few questions and rely on belief, bullshit, and bromides to sustain their vain sense of self. The former go with what sounds right.  The latter with what sounds good.

Vanity is self-interest turned on its side, that desire for a sense of progress and self-esteem rather than actual improvement. Pay up and pop the pill to feel like effort and progress has been made, even though it’d cost less and be more effective to consistently eat diverse and balanced meals and to exercise daily.  Vanity and its dampening affect on our bullshit detectors, not poor science literacy, is what feeds the pseudoscience and anti-science industries. Michael Schulson, on the importance of keeping our vanity in check when thinking about the politics of science (from  Whole Foods: America’s Temple of Pseudoscience):

It’s that whenever we talk about science and society, it helps to keep two rather humbling premises in mind: very few of us are anywhere near rational. And pretty much all of us are hypocrites.

And dumbasses.

SnakeOilGirl2

Frequently Asked Questions XVI

Roxanne G.

What’s Roxanne G. writing now?
She’s working on Frankendog: Tails of Horror, Macabre, and Mayhem.

What’s it about?
Hit and run leaves guy and his dog nearly dead in middle of the road.  Dr. Frankenstein (great grandson of original Dr. F) finds them.  Instead of taking them to hospital, he takes them to his basement laboratory to stitch the guy and his dog together to create Frankendog. Horror and mayhem ensue as Frankendog runs away to find and terrorize the teens who left him for dead.

lostdog

Have you seen Frankendog?

Is Roxanne G. a slut?
We don’t know much about her sexual exploits.

Can I have her number?
No.

Food, Free Speech, and Thug Kitchen Cookbooks

You selling Thug Kitchen cookbooks during holiday season?
Yes, all three, including Fast as Fuck and Thug Kitchen Party Grub: For Social Motherfuckers

Is it true Social Justice Warriors threatened to protest Thug Kitchen book signings? 
Yes.

Why would they do that?  It’s just a cookbook!
The White authors were accused of:

  • Performing Internet black-face
  • Cultural appropriation
  • Racial stereotyping

Authors of Thug Kitchen cookbooks. The new faces of racism, according to Social Justice Warriors. And why is her mouth so wide open?

 

Will People Think I’m a Racist if I Buy It?
Why do you care?

Why Did Authors Name Their Cookbook “Thug Kitchen”? 
To break the stereotype of vegans being White and meek (which authors are) so that those who don’t identify as White and meek will try vegan food.

How Should I Eat Pho Without Offending Anyone?
Why do you care?

(We’ll address the Bon Appetit article on eating pho that caused so much outrage in another post).

Business Tactics

Why do you guys troll customers on Yelp?
Marketing tactic and customer filtering system. And it’s entertaining.

Does it work?
Yes, especially at first.  Less effective later because it gets old, unless you come up with new content (which we need to do).

Why does it work?
The controversy increases shares on social media.  NO publicity is the worst publicity.  Here’s an article on how it works by a PR professional who made Tucker Max’s book “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” a NYTimes best-seller: I Helped Create Milo Trolling Playbook….

Is this why the owner tries to be so offensive?
He actually doesn’t try to be offensive. He just describes what he observes as precisely and accurately as possible. Which some find funny, others offensive.  Either way, it draws more readers.

Don’t read this book.  It’s offensive.

General

Why is Alive Juice Bar also known as the Redneck Juice Bar? 
We promote Redneck values that built this great nation. That’s why we tell people to stop sending kids to stupid colleges to get stupid degrees when they can get redneck jobs that are useful and pay 100k a year.  To stop using euphemisms and pretentious speech that blur reality and inflate self-esteem.

We’re also showing solidarity with a group that gets bullied and unfairly blamed for every problem imaginable.

I’m not White.  Can I be a Redneck?
Yes, you can be of any color.  Cutest scene at the Juice Bar: two Asian women, one from Missouri the other from Georgia, arguing about which one of the two is more rednecky.  And one is wearing a business suit.

What are Redneck values?
We’ll publish a Redneck Manifesto soon.

Still looking for a place to open Redneck Bistro?
Yes.

A yelper accused owner of sending her harassing e-mails posing as Donald Trump.  True?
Nah, if he were to he’d pose as Milo.  But he thinks he knows who sent it, if she’s not lying.

Is owner teaching Gangnam Style dance at Ruby Pop Up Dance event Friday 7:30pm Nov. 3rd?  
Yes, but for only 3 minutes.  That’s all the time the Ruby Dance instructor would give him.

The Alive Juice Bar Diet

Here’s how people are fucking things up in their own fucked up way: having *dessert for breakfast.*

Examples:

*Muffin and coffee
*Sugary cereal w/milk and orange juice
* Donut and coffee
* Pancakes or waffles w/syrup, orange juice, coffee, and bacon

All of the above are desserts.  And that’s what most Americans are having for breakfast.  When you have dessert for breakfast, you become emotionally unstable.  When you’re emotionally unstable, you crave comfort  — from sugar to heroin to alcohol — anything to alleviate the pain and anxiety.  Some person once said:

Rob Faigin and others have postulated that having obscene amounts of sugar and carbohydrate over long periods of time can max out our serotonin machinery, leaving us unhappy, carb-craving, and depressed.

Another person said something similar to above:

Serotonin acts as a neurotransmitter, relaying signals from one area of the brain to another. Researchers believe that an imbalance in serotonin levels can cause depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic anxiety disorder and anger management issues.

And scientists at Bartles and James University fed one group of lab mice salads and another group of lab mice muffins and found that

…the mice who ate salad for a month were able to run on wheel 74 percent longer than the muffin group.  These mice also produced 84 percent more offspring.  They also smiled 58 percent more often, and were 77 percent less likely to strangle another.

Point is, having dessert for breakfast will make you batshit crazy.  So don’t do it.  Yet people will continue to do it — especially if getting up sucks — because it’s like heroin.  It’s a psychological pain killer.

They eat veggies. That’s why they’re happy.

Breakfast That Won’t Make You Batshit Crazy

Someone once wrote:

…a new study from scientists in England and Australia finds that simply eating more fruit and vegetables can dramatically improve your level of happiness. The researchers claim the effect is so powerful that people who went from eating zero servings of fruit and vegetables a day to eight servings per day experienced an increase in happiness and satisfaction “equivalent to moving from unemployment to employment.”

So why not have salad and a protein (like an egg) for breakfast?  Here’s a protein shake recipe:

*avocado (as thickener)
* random veggies (broccoli, asparagus, cauliflower, whatever)
* almond or soy milk (any liquid as long as it’s not fruit juice)
* random fruit (if you prefer sweeter version)
* protein powder
* adjust ratios based on taste and texture preferences

That’s a nutritionally complete breakfast.  It has enough fat (from avocado), protein, and a lot of fiber.  And the nutrients to keep you happy and healthy instead of crashing after a couple of hours.  If you don’t like protein powder, pair the salad with an egg or chicken soup — whatever, as long as you’re getting protein.  It’s important to pair the salad with a protein.

She doesn’t eat veggies. And she had a donut for breakfast. That’s why her cat took a shit in her shoes.

The Alive Juice Bar Diet: Start and End With Salad

Meal 1: Salad + Protein.

Meal 2: Whatever you want.

Meal 3: Whatever you want.

Meal 4: Salad (can be merged with Meal 3)

Whatever you want for the Second Meal because I’m betting that you’ll be able to self-regulate if you start your day with a salad.  You won’t be an emotional mess when you eat that second meal so you’ll exercise better judgment and control.  You’ll also feel full faster because you’re not nutritionally depleted and therefore eat less.

Or think of Second Meal as a reward for starting your morning right.

Try it.  If you don’t feel better after a month, we’ll give you a $100 gift card.

They’re eating veggies.