Why We Hate McDonald’s

Would you work for a Fortune 500 company with the following profile:

* Has an African-American CEO
* Honored by Black Enterprise as one of the best companies for diversity at staff and corporate levels
* Provides all expense paid college credit eligible education at its business management school.
* Promotes from within and doesn’t discriminate against those without college degrees when hiring for executive level positions, including CEO.
* Invests in progressive businesses — ie. Chipotle — that raise the standard of fast-food and build green storefronts

Who that? You know the answer, title gives it away:  McDonald’s. If you feel thrown off, then we’re ready to begin.

Why We Hate McDonald’s

Top 5 reasons — qualitatively gathered — in no particular order:

1. They treat their employees like shit.
2. Their food tastes like shit.
3. They put shit in their food.
4. Their food makes people look like shit.
5. They use manipulative advertising to get kids addicted to eating shit.

All of which need to be translated, those are just codes meant to deflect attention. There’s something else going on here.  Not just projection, there’s sublimation, that “mature” defense mechanism, says Freud: when you replace urge to do something that *you* think is socially unacceptable with socially acceptable stand-in. Like Luke becoming an NFL linebacker so he doesn’t end up in jail for beating the shit out of that motherfucker.  Jenna marrying ultra-stylish Jack the hairdresser to keep Dad proud. Sam becoming a proctologist because he was raised Catholic strict.

Top 5 Reasons to Hate McDonald’s, Deconstructed and Debunked

They treat their employees like shit
Pay for non-managerial staff is comparable to what a typical hospital pays its resident MDs; similar to what the university pays its graduate student TAs and RAs ; almost as much as what a community college pays its adjunct professors to teach. (I could go on). Yet people aren’t boycotting their hospitals and schools due to employee pay and career growth opportunities.

In providing career growth opportunities, McDonald’s has most businesses — Alive Juice Bar included — beat: you can be of humble origins and degree-less and still become its CEO, as Charlie Bell (who started working at McDonald’s at 15) had.  Free education for its management trainees. One of few businesses willing to give those with no experience and skills (and the wrong color) a chance.

Their food tastes like shit.
It’s how you frame and present something.  Watch this prank: 

Summary for those who can’t watch it: pranksters pose as chefs of high end restaurant.  They serve samples of their food — McDonald’s fare, actually — at food expo.  Some who sample rave about taste and high quality of food:

The ‘Chicken McNuggets’ were neatly cut up and served by a charming young waiter, complete with tidy uniform. “Rolls around the tongue nicely, if it were wine I’d say it’s fine,” an older and presumably more experienced food critic commented.

“The structure is good, yes. Not too sticky,” said one expert about a McMuffin. Then it was onto the ‘real classics’.

“You can just tell this is a lot more pure,” came another comment from a young lady operating an organic stall.

It’s like those studies that show a painting of, say, a boy pissing on a tree. Take that painting, make two of them, date one at 1500, another at present day and attribute it to someone who doesn’t look like a painter. Most will describe the first as some Renaissance classic.  The latter as ghetto trash.  Which is it?

baroque shit

Renaissance era painting or two boys tugging on each other’s penis. A classic or kiddie porn?


Point is, we’re tools.  We’re not trained to think or to ask questions, we’re trained to respond on cue, like caged rats in an experiment:


Even though organic has nothing to do with freshness, gluten-free isn’t healthier if you’re not celiac, and grass-fed isn’t necessarily tastier, you get the idea.  Our brains exaggerate and mix and match correlations.

They put shit in their food.
A few examples: 
Earthworms (1978)
Mutant Lab Meat (2000)
Cow Eyeballs (2006)
Random Rot Preventing Chemicals (200?)

Blood libel, definition (Wiki): “accusation that Jews kidnapped and murdered children of Christians to use their blood as part of their religious rituals during Jewish holidays.”  The world may change, but human nature remains the same: we’re still mean-spirited and vindictive. About what, we’ll get to later.

Who is more dangerous, the person who created this hoax, or those who believe it?

Who is more dangerous, the person who created this hoax, or those who believe it?

Their food makes people look like shit.
You can do a lot worse at a neighborhood Greek diner or Chinese take-out or Tacqueria, where portion sizes and calorie counts are even more ridiculous.  Or at a fine-dining steakhouse like Metropolitan Grill or El Gaucho — 3,000 calories easy for someone who orders 1 entree, 1 salad, 1 drink, and a desert. Grande Frappucino plus blueberry muffin at Starbucks is 700 nutritionally deficient calories. Not saying McDonald’s Value Meals provide the balanced and diverse nutrition we try to get customers to consistently eat, they don’t. I’m just wondering why McDonald’s gets blamed for the obesity epidemic when they don’t serve anywhere near the most nutritionally appalling meals.

They use manipulative advertising to get kids addicted to eating shit.
Anthony Bourdain describes McDonald’s advertising tactics as “Black Propaganda.” (He exaggerates, but let’s work with it). And so?  Try to think of an (effective) ad that isn’t manipulative, that provides a cold, detached, balanced review of a product’s benefits and a brand’s purpose. Is there a nation that doesn’t use propaganda to control its populace?  Find me a person who isn’t manipulative and I’ll stop charging customers $1 for Better Service.

How to Figure People Out
Asking what someone likes doesn’t reveal much about the person.

“The woman I like is smart, sexy, confident, tomboy by day, sex kitten by night, looks good in either jeans or a dress…” which reveals that this guy is a fucking tool, a dull one at that.  A better way to figure out who someone is — personality and social status — and how they’ll act is to mix it up and ask what they dislike. Here’s a real life example, from an interview with an applicant:

Interviewer: What are your career goals?
Applicant: I hope to work at Woman, Infants, and Children (WIC) food stamps program.  I want to help the poor make better choices with their food stamp money.  I want to help the poor eat better.
Interviewer: What do you think about Roger’s Market?  (Roger’s is an independent grocery store in Mountlake Terrace, primarily serving low income residents.  Lots of food stamps).
Applicant: It’s disgusting, everything about it.  I try to stay away from there.
Interviewer: Then you won’t last 2 weeks working at the WIC.
Applicant: Huh?
Interviewer: You just told me you hate poor people.  If you can’t stand shopping at Roger’s, where those with food stamps shop, then how are you going to work with them on a near daily basis?

Not saying she’s not sincere about her desire to help the poor eat better. Just saying this desire is driven by a conflict within herself she doesn’t understand and doesn’t want to acknowledge because it’s too painful to do so. When we cross-check this interview transcript with applicant resume and Facebook page, what emerges is a standard lower middle-class female who’s one wrong move from becoming White trash.  That’s why she spends money she doesn’t have on microbrews and listens to college radio. That’s why she goes into debt to get a bullshit degree at a bullshit college, to gain some psychological (but ephemeral) distance from the wrong side of the tracks, even at the risk of having the debt force her to stand in line for food stamps.  And it’s precisely that risk — unacknowledged but instinctively recognized — that makes her hate those she’s afraid of becoming. That’s why she expresses — not represses — her hatred by seeking a career that allows her to “help” those she hates, that confirms her identity as not one of them.

Why We Actually Don’t Hate McDonald’s
Hating McDonald’s is like hating your great-grandmother for being a racist.  She’s an icon for lasting this long, so you forgive her faults. McDonald’s is an American icon, and they know it, which is why they’re using sentimental ads to make you less pissed off at them, to remind you of a time when everyone, regardless of social class and race, ate at McDonald’s without guilt.

Thesis: those who hate McDonald’s don’t hate McDonald’s.  They hate McDonald’s customers. They hate the stereotype of those who regularly eat at McDonald’s. They hate poor people, and the ones afraid that they themselves will end up poor probably hate themselves too. Let’s return to the 5 reasons why people hate McDonald’s.

1. They treat their employees like shit.
2. Their food tastes like shit.
3. They put shit in their food.
4. Their food makes people look like shit.
5. They use manipulative advertising to get kids addicted to eating shit.

Above 5 is how we routinely describe the poor.  It’s the poor, the thinking goes, who get paid and treated like shit.  It’s the poor who eat food that tastes like shit; who are pathetic enough to eat food that literally is shit; who are obese; who are stupid enough to be so easily manipulated.

But we’ve been taught that it’s socially unacceptable to shit on the poor. So we displace our hate onto the biggest piece of cultural flotsam we see, the number one fast food company in the world. Calling out the Greek diner or Chinese takeout or the dive bar that serves too much alcohol is too politically problematic — these are hard working immigrants making a living by providing what people want and blaming alcohol will lead to riots.  But blaming a giant corporation for serving what people want *is* socially acceptable, a lot more so than telling your daughter she needs to lose 50 pounds.

It’s easier to blame McDonald’s for making people fat than to blame fat people for making themselves fat, *possibly* from eating at McDonald’s.  It’s more comforting: “It’s not my fault my kids are obese,” rationalizes Mom’s defense mechanism. “If we just get rid of fast food and raised wages, these people wouldn’t act as they do,” the Champagne Socialist who has never lived among non-immigrant American poor surmises. In other words, it’s more comforting to believe that we don’t control our destiny, that virtue and character don’t emerge from that struggle within, it’s simply a matter of public fucking policy.  Fix the policy and we’ll have Heaven on Earth, the thinking goes, as people wait and wait and wait for the government to get it right.

The problem isn’t McDonald’s.   McDonald’s is just providing what some people want and making McDonald’s disappear isn’t going to make a difference — none at all — because people will get what they want and what they deserve, regardless of public policy and intervening laws. The problem is us.  We’re the ones who are suspicious instead of skeptical, gullible instead of judicious, and fearful of our place in a rapidly changing society.

Nietzsche on the Monsters we fight (from Beyond Good and Evil):

“Those who fight Monsters should look to it that they themselves do not become Monsters.  And when you gaze long into the Abyss, the Abyss also gazes into you.”

And the only experience more terrifying than the abyss gazing back into you is when it offers you a Big Mac and Fries, which you then eat alone.




Alive Juice Bar Seeking Hate Mail Contestants

(Posted on craigslist)

Alright Motherhuggers,

The *quality* of the hate mail we get after we post a job ad sucks. Example (real):

“What a fucked up job posting. Who the hell would want to work for you after reading that shit? You can tell by what kind of person you are with the attitude you portray on Craigslist. You don’t have the right to talk like that. I feel sorry for the slaves that have to labor under an asshole.”


Boring. Unacceptable. To improve the quality of hate mail we receive, we’re hosting Alive Juice Bar’s first annual Hate Mail contest. Winner gets $100 gift card. Employees select finalists to be judged by customers. Your name will be redacted, we will protect your privacy so don’t go chickenshit on us, ok? So let’s get this going, Motherfuggers.

Guidelines: we want well-written, we want art. Don’t just tell us what you think about the person who wrote this ad, tell us WHAT YOU’D LIKE TO DO TO HIM, or HAPPEN TO HIM. Dig deep, find your inner rage, reveal your inner freak — we know there’s some Marquis de Sade in you, we can feel it. Example:

“To the sick fuck who wrote this piece of shit ad, I hope you get gang-banged by giant orangutans until your butthole looks like a donut. You deserve to be buried alive in your own shit because even horse shit is too good for you.”

Some keywords you might want to use or at least consider to get your creative juices flowing: porcupine, jalapenos, Wonder Woman, chainsaw, pink, King Kong, handcuffs, mini-me, dolphins, charcoal, pirannahs, Justin Bieber, North Korea, Michael Jackson, Hello Kitty.
Now to inspire you, to get you angry enough to turn on the (she)Hulk so you can write some hate mail art: here are a few reasons owner deserves hate mail from you:

Owner is insulting, rude and abusive. Examples:
1) Charging customers $1 to change the music.
2) Telling customer to go to Jamba Juice
3) Calling customers Dumbass for asking for wheatgrass
4) Forcing employee to call customer Fuck-Face. And then charging customer a dollar for the abuse.
5) Charging customer $1 for better service when customer is unhappy with and requests better service
6) Inhumane, slave driving owner who does unspeakable things with jalapenos
7) Telling customers how they fucked up their kids.
8) Calling employees “Stupid, Useless, Cunt.”
9) Demanding improved quality of hate mail sent to him
10) Calling Oprah Winfrey a “House N#$gger”
11) Rants about how White people are fucking things up
12) Random misogynistic musings.
13) Routinely playing misogynistic music like “Me So Horny” and “Taught Her How to Fuck.”
14) Calling his customers batshit crazy.
15) Making customer change the garbage

If you want examples of owner making misogynistic comments, read: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/11/16/frequently-asked-questions-part-v/

Examples of owner calling his employees “stupid, useless, cunt,” read: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2015/01/06/why-we-dont-change/

Owner telling customers how they fucked up their kids: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/03/26/how-the-cult-of-self-esteem-produces-fuck-ups/

Owner calling Oprah a “house n#%#gger”: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/10/22/why-we-dont-carry-wheatgrass/

Owner forcing employee to call customer a Fuck-Face: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/08/31/how-to-break-rules-and-get-away-with-it/

Owner calling customers who ask for wheatgrass dumbasses: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/10/22/why-we-dont-carry-wheatgrass/

Why People Don’t Change

She’s a White trash girl trying to escape her White trash world.  At 21, she’s got one foot out the door: 50k a year plus benefits as head manager of an independently owned retail store, where she’s been working since 13. She saves enough to help her White trash family —  grandma is especially proud of her, her siblings look up to her. She’s saved enough to put 20 percent down on a modest house in a gentrifying not-quite-middle-class neighborhood.  She has her shit together, a lot more so than those panicking college seniors who looked down on her but are now worried if they’ll ever have a job that pays enough after graduation. Not bad for a high school drop out.

A customer — executive at publicly traded company — is impressed with her work ethic, resourcefulness, and thoughtfulness.  Hooks her up with a job as head manager of one of his struggling retail stores, where they’ve gone through three managers over the past year. He tells her she has the force of character to turn the store around, that she’s a perfect fit. Compensation is 80k a year plus bonus plus vacation time and better bennies. Better career growth opportunities, potential for stock options, more sophisticated supply chain and IT infrastructure to work with, and those college educated bitches who made fun of her are now her bitches, making $12/hour. Fuck yeah.

She verbally commits, but can’t sign when it’s time, even though she’s submitted her two weeks and reservations for going away party have been made by her colleagues.  She ultimately stays put with same business at same position and lives out rest of her not-quite-middle-class life in what quickly turns into an upper-middle class neighborhood, leaving her isolated and estranged from her surroundings.

What happened? What made White trash girl prefer the embarrassment of *not trying* over the *possible* embarrassment of failing?

(If you tell me it’s low self-esteem, I swear, I’ll graffiti your house with Hello Kitty stickers and paint your windows black).

“People Never Change, They Just Become More of Who They Really Are”

Marketing experts predicted that the recently promoted 28 year old woman buying the BMW was going to do so when she purchased her VW Jetta 5 years ago.  Grandma didn’t stop being a racist when she stopped using the N word sometime around 1974, she started watching her mouth because she’s a chickenshit conformist. The only reason Johnny stopped doing anal 14 years ago is because his dick doesn’t get hard enough for it anymore and he’d rather not think about that.  The not-quite-middle-class teenager deleted all Facebook references to Jersey Shore only when she figured out that middle-class folks aren’t supposed to admit to watching such shows, and not because she’d learned better taste and how to use her time more wisely.

Above examples illustrate the dictum, “people never change, they just become more of who they really are.”  Most changes are behavioral and not attitudinal (remember this distinction). Behavioral changes occur not because of fundamental change in a person’s character, mindset, and sensibility, but because (pay attention, here comes the thesis) they’re obligated and given the opportunity to change to confirm their sense of self and reality. Change, and the discipline and willpower that makes it possible, is rooted in the act of regulating, sculpting, and imagining identity. That’s why peer pressure works and New Year’s Resolutions don’t.

Real change is change of mindset and attitude, not just behavior.  Behavioral change alone is about maintaining status quo, it’s about being fashionable, keeping up with the times instead of becoming a different person. Those who want to change their lives must change their mindset and attitude.

White Trash Girl Part II

White trash girl started working at 13 because she wanted things other kids had that she couldn’t afford.  She soon makes enough to become responsible for herself, buying not only her own toys, but also her own food and clothes.  A few years later she makes enough to become responsible for her family, picking up some of the rent even when she stopped living with them.  She becomes known as the responsible one, the caretaker, Santa to her siblings, the one who gets shit done — those archetypes combined became her primary identity.  Her family and colleagues confirmed her identity.

One foot out the White trash door, why couldn’t she get the other foot out and make a run for it? The opportunity was there.  The scenarios if she takes the job:

* She fails at her new job, returns to her old job.  Or a similar one making same as she did before. Back to same old same old.
* She succeeds at her new job and eventually gets promoted to district manager, or is given a shot at corporate ladder.

Both of which seem a lot better than embarrassing herself to her colleagues and family by turning down a job she’d accepted. But she’s playing on tilt, which is why she can’t think straight, why she’s emotional instead of rational.  All she can think:

 If I fail, that will be evidence that I’m not responsible and competent, and the world will reject me and I’ll lose my identity as the responsible one, the caregiver, I’ll be a loser again, they’ll laugh at me again, everyone will make fun of me again…

At 13, she worked for toys.  At 17, she worked to take care of herself.  At 21, she worked to confirm her identity.  She crumbled at the first perceived threat to her identity.  Happens all the time. Check the socio-economic mobility data for non-immigrant Americans if you don’t believe me.

What Makes People Batshit Crazy
Who is most likely to become batshit crazy?  Pick:
a) White trash who knows she’s White trash.
b) Middle-class who thinks she’s high society
c) Rich kid slumming it with the hobos and peasants.

My picks: b, c, then a.

Who has the highest self-esteem?  Pick:
a) White trash who knows she’s White trash.
b) Middle-class who thinks she’s high society
c) Rich kid slumming it with the hobos and peasants.

My picks: b, c, then a. What am I saying?

Being poor and having low self-esteem doesn’t make one batshit crazy, but not knowing one’s place does. White trash girl who knows she’s White trash not only isn’t batshit crazy, she isn’t offensive because she’s authentic, and that’s why people want to help her, why we like her and root for her.  Middle-class girl who thinks she’s high society will never move up because she can only impress — with her contrived sensibilities — those who can’t help her, and those who can either ignore her or gently laugh at her to put her in her place.  Rich kid slumming is just a confused fuck trying to sort out feelings of guilt, pride, and ennui.

Dissonance between one’s sense of self and “reality” is what makes one batshit crazy.  That’s why the middle-class girl who thinks she’s high society avoids hanging out with rich kid slumming, who doesn’t want to hang out with her anyway.  She’ll only hang out with those who confirm her sense of self, her identity.  And that’s precisely why she’s not going anywhere except to therapy.

Self-Defense Mechanisms 

You know, like rationalization.  Projection.  Denial.  Google them.

The former high school beauty queen can’t figure out why she isn’t getting as much attention from guys (she’s attracted to) as she used to even though she’s gained 30 pounds since graduating from college 5 years ago. “Men around here are sissies, no courage to ask me out” she tells herself and her besties. Then goes to a beauty lounge and takes glamour photos of herself to post on Facebook.  Since she’s a nice girl and has a lot of friends, she gets the responses she needs to confirm her sense of self: ‘like like like like like…’ and comments like: “wow, this is like bringing a gun to a fist fight” from nice guy trying to convince the crowd that he is in fact a nice guy who therefore deserves some pussy; and the ubiquitous “you’re so beautiful” from frenemy fishing for a similar compliment.

Self-defense mechanisms make us do some fucked up shit.  Like purchase accessories, including houses, we can’t afford. Like make bad business decisions that sink life savings. Like get a bullshit degree from a bullshit college, despite warnings about choosing the “wrong major” at the “wrong college.”  And then get another bullshit degree (Masters or JD) from yet another bullshit college when it turns out the first degree is useless.  It’s fucking madness but the madness continues because we filter out the information we don’t want to hear and keep reading the articles that tell us we’re right even when it’s obvious to the Aliens watching us that we’re not.


Ten young women on a trip in some faraway land are stopped and robbed. The robbers choose five to rape. What do you think the five not chosen are thinking and feeling?  You think they’re counting their blessings, “whew, at least I wasn’t raped”? Or is NOT being picked WORSE than being raped?

(long pause)

That’s how powerful self-defense of identity can be. That’s why White trash girl turns irrational and quits life. The possibility that those who confirm her identity will stop doing so is too much for her to handle. She’d rather be miserable than risk losing her identity.  Ironically, she ends up miserable AND loses her identity. The spark that made people want to help her is gone.

White trash girl was robbed the moment she was born.  Fate wouldn’t let her just be born poor, she had to be poor AND White, which is almost as bad as being Asian and the dumbest kid in school — there is no sympathy, there isn’t even affirmative action, she’s free game to be fucked with.  When given a chance to grab the gun and shoot the dicks off the motherfuckers, she chose to do nothing.  Did she do nothing because it wasn’t worth the risk, or because she was hoping they’d pick her to be raped?

Choose a Reality That Will Make You Change    
Cornell University study: stupid people don’t realize they’re stupid.  That’s why they’re stupid. And the smartest don’t realize they’re that smart.  Socrates said the same thing.  Bill Gates said something similar: “Success is a lousy teacher.  It makes smart people think they can’t lose.” Thanks for the confirmation, Cornell University.

Here’s how it works: those who think they’re “brilliant” or at least “not stupid” will rarely recognize their own stupidity.  They will see and hear only that which confirms their identity. “Nah nah nah, I didn’t do that, I didn’t say that, that can’t be me, I’m not that dumb.”  Oh yes you are, we have the e-mail transcript to prove it, the evidence is there, you’re in denial, you’re purposely misreading it. Or we make excuses, blame others: “but it was raining, but it was busy, but the test was unfair, but the teacher is a racist, but but but but.” Which are all short-term fixes that fuck up long-term goals. People grow and change only when there’s failure failure failure AND the CAPACITY to learn from them. We stagnate when we avoid (the possibility of) failure, or worse, deny failure ever happened. Which is the same as denying our Original Sin, our total depravity, thus elevating ourselves to deity. One can do no wrong when one is god, right? So what happens when we have a room full of gods?  You get Greek mythology: madness and batshit crazy. (see How Cult of Self-Esteem Produces Fuck ups).

Socrates again: it’s easy to tell a person who thinks she’s stupid that she’s done something stupid. She’s expecting to do something stupid, so she’s looking for instances of her stupidity that will confirm her sense of self. Which is precisely why she grows and changes and moves up in her career, while Mr. Perfect blames reverse discrimination for not getting promoted.  Once she masters a task, her sense of self demands she find a more difficult challenge, one where she fucks up and looks like a dumbass all over again.

Stupid, Useless, Cunt

If you really want to change — you’re tired of banging your head on the same ceiling — choose a reality that will make you change into the person you want to be. “Manager didn’t screw up on inventory, she was just testing to see if I’d catch the mistakes.” “Girl who rejected me isn’t racist, she simply found me obnoxious and rupulsive.” Test isn’t biased, I just didn’t study hard enough.”  “I’m late not because car battery died, but because I didn’t change it before it died.” “The CEO of Walmart isn’t a lazy and greedy piece of shit who works 30 hours a week, he puts in 100 hour weeks and has done so his entire life.” What I tell employees and those who ask me for advice on opening a restaurant:

You want reality?  How’s this for reality. For a month, make a three egg omelet every morning. Make it in less than a minute.  If you can’t make a perfect omelet in less than a minute, find a mirror.  Now stare into your eyes and call yourself a “stupid, useless cunt.” Three times.  Because that’s what someone is thinking every time you fuck up an order.  And even if that isn’t true, it NEEDS TO BE TRUE, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT’S TRUE. If you don’t, you’ll fail, I guarantee it.  “Stupid useless cunt” is what I call myself every morning.  Makes my piss smell good, helps me piss straight. If you can’t handle treating yourself this way, you’re not going to last a month working here, much less running your own unbranded restaurant.

Choose the reality that’ll make you the person you want to be, and not the reality that makes you feel good, short term. Choose life, not escape.  Happy New Year, 2015!

Frequently Asked Questions Part VI

Links to FAQ I, II, III, IV, V


What the fuck are we listening to?
A fight on a bus that’s driving through San Francisco’s Chinatown.

Aren’t you worried about people not paying off their tabs?
No.  That’s between customer and God. We have enough to worry about.

There’s so much information about health and nutrition, politics of food, agriculture, environment.  Which sources do you rely on?
Variety of conflicting sources, including Voltaire Network;  Russia Today (Russian propaganda in response to US propaganda); China Daily (lots of censorship, but most reliable for facts and accuracy); independent journalists such as Lizzie Phelan.

What’s in the “Really Weird Shit”?
Examples include duck tongue, chicken feet, and pig uterus.  We’re looking into insects like grasshopper.

What’s the point of the “Weird Shit” and “Really Weird Shit”?
Reminds customers what’s possible when it comes to food.  It pushes us to expand our palates and to consider more eco friendly alternatives. Insects instead of beef, for instance, may be next frontier.

 Can I have her number?  

Is my boyfriend cheating on me?

Are you fucking my boyfriend? 

Why am I bored of my boyfriend? 
Because you’re in love with love.

Why is my kid so screwed up?
You told your kid she could be this or that but failed to prepare her to become that or this.

How do I prepare my kid to work at Alive Juice Bar?
To start with, teach them to choose the right reality.


Is owner being sarcastic…
Owner is rarely sarcastic.  He prefers to be blunt than make hostile jokes that aren’t funny.

Did the owner tell  my kid to drop out of school? 

Is it true that an employee chased down, with a knife, someone who stole her tip jar?
There’s some truth to that.

Is it true an employee kicked a customer in the ass, hard? 
Yes, but she was off hours.

Did employee really ask an annoying customer to show her his penis?
It happens.

I’ve heard a former employee still has nightmares about working at Alive Juice Bar.  
Only one?

Is owner trying to open a Vintage clothing store?
Yes, business plan submitted, in negotiations with landlord.



Application vs. 8.0

Alive Juice Bar will not hire anyone who:

* Drinks wheatgrass (bullshit juice)
* Has a degree in nutrition (mostly outdated knowledge)
* Listens to R. Kelly regularly (means hasn’t grown up)
* Talks about trying to be happy (means not happy)
* Tries to be happy (means miserable)
* Thinks he/she’s brilliant (m….uncoachable and can’t grow)
* Thinks he/she’s hard working (low personal standards)
* Thinks he’she has great social and communication skills (provincial)
* Has degree in Child Psychology (certi-fucking-fiably batshit crazy)
* Thinks he/she’s funny (sarcasm isn’t the lowest form of wit, but there’s too much of it)
* Thinks he/she’s self-aware (self-absorbed and delusional)
* Worships Ayn Rand AND is a Socialist (combo = psychobitch)
* Doesn’t like soup (WTF?)

Job duties: prep food and drinks with precision and alacrity; change expletive laden music when kids walk in; serve customers; listen to, learn about and from customers; never say “no” to customer; tell customer to fuck off; remind customers to shut bathroom door; figure out what people really want, not what they say/think they want; recognize patterns of behavior; deal with hung-over and/or emotional co-workers; ask questions; draw stuff on windows; download music; clean mess; correct co-worker’s grammar; explain why ionized water is for dumbasses; explain difference between glycemic load and glycemic index so customers stop freaking out about carrot juice; tell customer it’s ok to stare at your ass but be discreet about it; ask customer if he has a small penis; ask customer if she has a big penis; ask customer to show his penis; ask customer if she wants to bitch slap you with her big penis; make co-worker stop acting like a whiny bitch; babysit your Bitch.

If it hasn’t occurred to you to research, like check Yelp reviews (of all businesses you apply to), then you don’t deserve to use toilet paper ever again. Attach resume. Don’t hesitate to ask questions in cover letter. Drop the usual cliches that all your friends use…don’t bore us. And remember, you don’t have to dig deep to dig deep. Shit is in front of you, you’ve just been trained to not see it, to repress it. Don’t try to impress, we’re just a bunch of dumbasses trying to make a living and trying to avoid reading the same shit over and over again.

If you want an example of an original resume and cover letter: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/07/24/boy-wants-job-to-get-laid-resume/

If you’re wondering why Wheatgrass is bullshit juice: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/10/22/why-we-dont-carry-wheatgrass/

If you’re wondering how people turn into a fuck up: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/03/26/how-the-cult-of-self-esteem-produces-fuck-ups/

If you want to quit your well paying job to work at Alive Juice Bar, read: https://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/02/06/your-hobby-is-not-your-passion/

Frequently Asked Questions Part V

Links to FAQs I, II, III, IV

Why don’t you offer smoothies and protein shakes in a smaller size?
It’d shrink our labor pool.  It’s tough enough to find someone who can make a 24 oz drink accurately (no overage).  

But other stores offer different sizes.
They use sorbet or syrup. Meaning, everything they use is easily measured. Or they put up with employees who make like 30 oz. for a 16. oz order.

Why don’t you offer punch cards?
They add nothing of value to the business.  They’re costly and a burden.  Finally, we don’t have a problem with loyalty: people either hate or love us, little in between.  Loyalty cards work best for businesses in the “in between.”

How did owner come up with idea for the store?
Click for answer

Why is your Yelp offer “Free Bad Service?”
Keeps those who don’t like being called a Fuckface away.

Does owner offer cooking lessons?

Do you support a “Fat Tax?”

Soda tax?

So owner is writing a porn novel.  What’s it about?
A girl trying to get some hot knucklehead to tattoo her name on his penis.  Then she’ll dump him.

And he thinks I’m batshit crazy?

Dude, are those real?
Don’t know, haven’t asked and don’t plan to ask.

Do you guys really lock employees in the freezer?
No comment.

Can you help me open a juice bar/restaurant?

Who should open a juice bar/restaurant?
Dumbasses who know they’re dumbasses.

Who shouldn’t open a juice bar/restaurant?
Dumbasses who don’t know they’re dumbasses.

Health and Fitness
Is this drink good for me?
Yes, as long you drink no more than one a day.

Why are there so many blog articles about mental heath? Shouldn’t he stick to food, nutrition, and physical health? 
Mental health — attitude, mindset — has significant impact on physical health, and one’s relationship with food.  Getting sick sometimes isn’t just a matter of being exposed to something in the air. It’s often an indicator of how one deals with change, stress, and failure. We’re trying to get to the source of the problem.

Why do you guys ask me “why are you sick?”
We want customers to take responsibility for their sickness, to figure out what they did to make themselves so. Only then will they get sick less often.

“So my boyfriend tried to kill me last night…”
No he didn’t, it just *felt* like he tried to kill you and you’re fishing for undeserved sympathy.

Why do you have to be such a dick?
This question doesn’t belong in Relationships section.

Dude, are all women crazy?

Verbal vomit at end of my date.  How do I stop it?
Why stop it? It’s just your instincts kicking in at end of the night, after being repressed for most of the date.  If you really want to stop verbal vomit, ask him why he’s looking at the TV when you catch him doing so instead of bringing it up at the end of the date.  And why the fuck are you having a date at a place with a TV?

So where should we dine for first few dates?
Long answer requires another article (coming soon).  Short answer: modest and quiet (and no TVs).  Some of my preferences: Harvest Vine, Art of the Table, Cafe Presse.  Ultimately, it depends on the individual and situation.











Why We Don’t Carry Wheatgrass (and Other Snake Oils)

Discussion about why we don’t name any ingredient a “super” anything and offensive material about Oprah and White people farther down. First, let’s get this wheatgrass debate settled.

We don’t carry wheatgrass, despite demand for it.  Here’s why:

From random uncredentialed guy writing on Skeptico blog: Wheatgrass is for Cows
Summary: Wheatgrass is for cows, not humans, as humans are unable to digest it as cows do.

But why should we trust some random guy on random blogsite?

From Webmd: Wheatgrass Claims
ummary: Review of independent peer reviewed studies of wheatgrass show that there’s little or no evidence of its purported health benefits to those who drink it.

But that’s just another website, the article isn’t peer reviewed,  and we don’t know if author left out studies in his review.  So let’s go with a renown Naturopath who is also an MD.

From Dr. Andrew Weil, MD (from Harvard),  undergrad in Botany (from Harvard); founder of Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine. Currently Clinical Professor of Medicine, a Professor of Public Health, and the Lovell-Jones Professor of Integrative Rheumatology at University of Arizona School of Medicine: Wheatgrass Does Not Deliver
Summary: Wheatgrass is bullshit.  Key quotes:

On benefits of chlorophyll: chlorophyll, the green pigment that gives plants their color, has no nutritional role in the human body, a fact that hasn’t stopped promoters from making extravagant claims for it. Secondly, there’s no evidence to suggest that wheatgrass or chlorophyll are substitutes for 2.2 pounds of vegetables. If you search the medical literature for “wheatgrass,” you find very few entries and none at all suggesting that it has any health benefits for humans.

On cost-effectiveness of wheatgrass versus fruit and veggies: Wheatgrass may provide some vitamins and minerals but not nearly as many as you would get from some common foods that taste much better. For example, according to one calculation, you would get 860 mg of protein from seven 3.5 gm wheatgrass tablets while a half cup of cooked broccoli would give you 2,300 mg. Wheatgrass tablets would give you 1,668 IU of beta carotene, compared to 20,253 IU in a single raw carrot. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Nutritionally speaking, wheatgrass simply doesn’t deliver on the promoters’ promises. I certainly wouldn’t recommend substituting it for any of the fresh vegetables and fruits in your diet. Spend your money on good, organically produced food, not on wheatgrass or other sprouts or grasses marketed as “super-foods.”

From American Cancer Society, which has provided funding to 47 Nobel Lauretes: Review of Wheatgrass
ummary: No evidence AND beware of supplements general, as actual amount of ingredient consumer wants varies. Person who made wheatgrass a health fad was a quack and batshit crazy.

The wheatgrass diet was developed by Boston resident Ann Wigmore, who immigrated to the United States from Lithuania. Wigmore believed strongly in the healing power of nature. Wigmore’s notion that fresh wheatgrass had value came from her interpretation of the Bible and observations that dogs and cats eat grass when they feel ill. Wigmore claimed that the wheatgrass diet could cure disease.

In 1982, the Massachusetts Attorney General sued Wigmore for claiming that her program could reduce or eliminate the need for insulin in diabetics. She later retracted her claims. In 1988, the Massachusetts Attorney General sued Wigmore again, this time for claiming that an “energy enzyme soup” she invented could cure AIDS. Wigmore was ordered to stop representing herself as a physician or person licensed to treat disease. Although Wigmore died in 1993, her Creative Health Institute is still active. Wheatgrass is readily available, and her diet is still in use.

So what is it about human nature that allows so many people — the highly intelligent included, even Steve Jobs gets duped — to buy snake-oils like wheatgrass, to believe in bullshit?

Human Nature
If there’s anything to be learned from Cultural Anthropology (and there’s not much), it’s that as social structure evolves — feudalism to capitalism, for instance — social codes and archetypes from one era reappear in another in a different form. Example: Aunt Jemima, year 1900.  She’s loved by white people because she takes good care of them.  Mammy, the house nigger archetype, as Black historians put it. Oprah Winfrey, year 2000.  Same shit, different form.  Look at her audience — mostly middle-class white women. Oprah is their Mammy, telling them which books to read, which diets to follow, which causes to get worked up about. Only difference is that Oprah makes coin because she lives in a more advanced (or different) stage of capitalism than did those who represented Aunt J in minstrel shows a century ago.

Not saying those who don’t like rap (code) necessarily hate Black people.  Not saying those with Free Tibet stickers (code) dislike Chinese people or Asians in general.  Just saying it’s human nature to classify and differentiate, to codify and regulate identities. Telling people it’s socially unacceptable to call a Chinaman (archetype) a Chinaman (code) doesn’t mean people will stop thinking of or treat the Chinaman as a Chinaman, or a Wetback a Wetback, a Dago Wop a Dago Wop.  They’ll just find a more socially acceptable way to express difference.

The codes and archetypes evolve to reflect the aims and needs of the political economy. Slavery (code) in the US didn’t end because enough people *finally* recognized such bondage as immoral. You really think white abolitionists (archetype) gave a shit about “Negroes” anymore than they cared about the “free” Irish immigrants who lived a mile away from them in conditions, according to a University of Chicago economist, even worse than those of Southern slaves? Slavery ended because enough people figured out that it doesn’t work well with industrial capitalism. Slavery became immoral because it was becoming inefficient — less productive than wage labor — and not because the temptation to exploit other people in such a way had waned. Just because material life has gotten better and society more civil doesn’t mean human nature has changed. People are still scared and vain and will seek short-cuts to the Kingdom of Heaven by trying to create Heaven on Earth.  People will forever do some fucked up shit to each other, with most justifying, rationalizing as good and just what they’ve done, from carpet bombing a village to interrogation by torture to massacre. Instead of burning the witch at the stake, now we post compromising photos of that bitch on Instagram.

History and Human Nature
Why is it we can laugh at or be horrified by instances of human depravity and degeneracy throughout history, yet not recognize our own sins and follies? We can laugh at Ponce DeLeon for being a dumbass for searching for the Fountain of Youth (AND believe in this story which likely isn’t true), yet we fall for wheatgrass, spirulina, weight-loss pills, cock enlargement pumps, reverse-aging creams, those metal bracelets that do whatever it is they’re supposed to do, and ionized water?

Medical doctors and scientists would probably blame low scientific literacy as the source of the problem.  Sure sure, most Americans don’t understand the scientific method or how clinical trials work or the difference between correlation and causation or how problematic observational studies are and what can be concluded from a mice study or what “double blind peer review” means.  But I don’t think a person needs to be familiar with any of the above to detect bullshit. We have built-in bullshit detectors.  We just don’t use them.

So why don’t we use our bullshit detectors? What makes it so tempting to hear only what we want to hear, to see only what we want to see in ourselves and others?  When do we become susceptible to believing fantastic promises that appeal to our vanities?

Part of it is how history is often taught, how we understand it.  “Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it.” Thanks for the reminder, George, but forgetting the past isn’t the reason why history repeats itself. History repeats itself especially when it’s NOT forgotten. Guy sentenced to life in jail for vehicular homicide didn’t forget his three DUIs, he was just being human, a dumbass creature of habit.  And I’m not claiming “progress” hasn’t been made, I’ll take my toilet over whatever Jesus used. I’m saying that thinking of the trajectory of history as “moral progress”  — qualified by “if we study history” — makes us blind to ourselves, our Original Sin. Unable to see ourselves in Pol Pot, Hitler, Henry V, Catherine the Great, Stalin, Caligula, Judas Iscariot, we become arrogant, vain, self-righteous and self-satisfied.  “I would never have owned slaves,” the American Apparel clad college girl tells herself as she reads Howard Zinn’s People’s History. “I would’ve released them, then teach them how to read, to start a glorious revolution.” Twenty years later she’s living in a nearly Black-less neighborhood, and the closest she’s ever come to helping anyone Black has been her purchase of tunes from Aaliyah and a Richard Sherman jersey. How’s that for ironic living?

Superfood as Colonial Narrative
Is there an Anthropologist in the house?  We’re going to need one soon.

(Artistic license taken) “Acai berries for super duper healthy living AND to empower the peasants, save them from greedy capitalists!”  In May 2009, Bloomberg reported that the expanding popularity of açaí in the United States was “depriving Brazilian jungle dwellers of a protein-rich nutrient they’ve relied on for generations.” From Reality Check: “False claims include reversal of diabetes and other chronic illnesses, as well as expanding size of the penis and increasing men’s sexual virility.” Oops, we fucked up.

“Quinoa for super duper healthy living AND to empower the peasants, save them from greedy capitalists!”  From UK Guardian: “Ethical consumers should be aware poor Bolivians can no longer afford their staple grain, due to western demand raising prices.” Oops, we fucked up.

(From Runa website, word for word) Runa is a social enterprise supporting indigenous farmers and reforestation in the Amazon. Runa brews beverages from guayusa, a super-leaf from the Amazon …”  We should know how this “social enterprise” (social fucking enterprise! these fuckers aren’t even subtle about it anymore) is going to end.  But we get duped by the same message over and over again: Fountain of Youth! Bigger Penis! Save the Peasants from Greedy Capitalists! We fall for the same pick up line because it makes us feel good, and because deep down, we don’t give a shit about those jungle dwelling brown motherfuckers, which is why we can conveniently forget — no, ignore — what happened to them last time we tried to help them. We just like to believe we care about them, and that their big big smiles are for real when they take photos with us. It’s as if colonialism never ended. Instead of guns, now the imperialists use superfoods to fuck things up in their own fucked up way.  The colonial narrative, that trifecta of: glory and riches, more pussy, and White burden, continues on in American grocery stores and on dining tables.

Here’s where an Anthropologist may be of help. Instead of studying impact of superfood agriculture on environment and culture, instead of studying the Other, let’s study White people.  By White people, I don’t mean genotype or White individuals.  I mean White people as trope, as inheritors of a colonial legacy. As consumers of *all races* unwilling to recognize the colonial past in their post-colonial present. Let’s get to the source of the problem.

History and Human Nature Part II: Self Interest vs. Vanity

Most schools and media teach history as the story about good people as victims of bad people and that we have moral obligation to help the victims of present and past and punish the bad. Put simply, propaganda. The Aliens watching us from Alpha Centauri don’t see good versus evil, they only see people doing fucked up shit to each other, just as we see animals in the wild do fucked up shit to each other but don’t assign moral value to their actions.  That’s precisely the kind of story Thucydides wrote about in History of the Peloponnesian Wars. It’s a seminal historical text because it’s the first to be so cold, detached, impartial; because it isn’t a story about good and evil, it’s about *human nature* and how we can best protect ourselves from other people. It’s a story about how there are NO victims OR volunteers.  There are only competing self-interests that sometimes come in conflict with another.

Santayana’s “remember the past so you don’t make the same mistakes,” is an alluring way to read history because it appeals to our vanity. “Those bad bad people are them, and I’m me, who would never do that, I’m better than that” we’re led to think.  Really?  The only reason why the 19 year old girl who worships Ayn Rand (a Fuck You conservative) can declare herself a Communist (combo = psychobitch, guaranteed) without a hint of irony is because she doesn’t have the power to round people up and work them to death at a labor camp. And she’s too chickenshit to do anything more than tell her Facebook friends that that bitch is not her mom. Send her back in time — give her power, make her Catherine the Great — then we’ll see who she really is. There will be blood everywhere.

If Santayana’s version of history takes down the proverbial mirror we need to recognize ourselves in our readings of the past, reading history as the codification of identity and the study of human nature nails it back up for us to see who we really are.  With history as the study of human nature on repeat, every cheat, murderer, dumbass, fool, coward, and psychopath we read about becomes a story about our present condition, a reflection of who we are. It helps us recognize our own follies, our venality and arrogance. It may help us to smell present-day bullshit like this:

Ignored Since the 1950s – Is Spirulina Now a ‘Miracle’ High-Protein Super Food?

Imagine a plant that can nourish your body by providing most of the protein you need to live, help prevent the annoying sniffling and sneezing of allergies, reinforce your immune system, help you control high blood pressure and cholesterol, and help protect you from cancer. Does such a “super food” exist?

Yes. It’s called spirulina.

Which isn’t much different from bullshit from the past, like this:


The ingredients may change, but human nature remains.

The Vanity of Vanities
According to Socrates, there are two types of people: dumbasses who know they’re dumbasses, and dumbasses who don’t.  The former ask more questions and make fewer assumptions because of their insecure knowledge. The latter ask few questions and rely on belief, bullshit, and bromides to sustain their vain sense of self. The former go with what sounds right.  The latter with what sounds good.

Vanity is self-interest turned on its side, that desire for a sense of progress and self-esteem rather than actual improvement. Pay up and pop the pill to feel like effort and progress has been made, even though it’d cost less and be more effective to consistently eat diverse and balanced meals and to exercise daily.  Vanity and its dampening affect on our bullshit detectors, not poor science literacy, is what feeds the pseudoscience and anti-science industries. Michael Schulson, on the importance of keeping our vanity in check when thinking about the politics of science (from  Whole Foods: America’s Temple of Pseudoscience):

It’s that whenever we talk about science and society, it helps to keep two rather humbling premises in mind: very few of us are anywhere near rational. And pretty much all of us are hypocrites.

And dumbasses.



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