Why Being Nice Will Kill You

From a 2008 Journal of Immunotoxicology article:

“Risk of developing certain diseases correlates with human personality.”

Specifically, the authors are matching health with coping styles, active versus passive.

———————————————————————————————–

Summary of four personality types, A-D, plus how each type thinks about food:

Type A: The Angry Motherfucker

  • Driven
  • Fast Paced
  • Assertive and Demanding
  • Sloppy diet, eats whatever is convenient.
  • Food as fuel.

Type B: The Stoner

  • Laid back
  • Prone to procrastination
  • Relaxed
  • Expansive diet, eats whatever tastes good.
  • Food as pleasure

Type C: The Nice One

  • Passive
  • Sensitive
  • Polite
  • Cycle of dieting and overeating
  • Food as addiction (emotional eater)

Type D: The Worrier

  • Distressed
  • Anxious
  • Fearful
  • Frequently tries strict, fad, and crash diets.
  • Food as poison (obsessed about dangers of eating this or that).

Type As are susceptible to coronary disease and heart attacks. Type Bs will die from falling off the roof while drunk and stoned at a party. Type Cs are most likely to contract autoimmune diseases. Type D, being as stressed out as Type As and as depressed as Type Cs, are fucked.

From Psyche Central, on Type C personality:

In recent years, a cluster of personality characteristics has come to be identified as the Type C personality, someone who is at heightened risk for a slew of afflictions, from colds to asthma to cancer. In contrast with the Type A person (who angers easily and has difficulty keeping feelings under wraps) and the Type B person (who has a healthier balance of emotional expressiveness), the Type C person is a suppressor, a stoic, a denier of feelings. He or she has a calm, outwardly rational, and unemotional demeanor, but also a tendency to conform to the wishes of others, a lack of assertiveness, and an inclination toward feelings of helplessness or hopelessness.

Examples: she hates football but pretends to like it to attract more men.  He doesn’t want to work the holidays but always agrees to do so with an insincere smile. She hates her haircut but won’t tell the hairdresser he fucked up because she doesn’t want to risk hurting his feelings. He doesn’t like his food but won’t complain about it until he gets home and unleashes his anger anonymously on yelp. She won’t call her husband the lazy piece of shit he is because she’s conflict adverse.  There’s a lot of quiet stewing going on here.

The above cited description of Type C can be more nuanced.  It’s not that Type C denies feelings (and thoughts), they deny specific feelings and thoughts, which in the American socio-cultural context typically means anger and hate, murder and mutilation.

Canadian physician Gabor Mate…began to notice a pattern: individuals who were unable to express anger, who didn’t seem to recognize the primacy of their own needs, and who were constantly doing for others, appeared to be the ones most susceptible to a slew of ailments, from asthma, rheumatoid arthritis, and lupus to multiple sclerosis and amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. These conditions are all autoimmune disorders. Mate claims that, when an individual engages in a long-term practice of ignoring or suppressing legitimate feelings–when he or she is just plain too nice–the immune system can become compromised and confused, learning to attack the self rather than defend it.

Again, we need more nuance, as above description makes it seem as if nice people are martyrs.  They’re not, some of them are raging narcissists who write purple prose, Albert Camus reminds us in The Fall (aka Confessions of a Nice Guy).  That tension, that dissonance between the inner narcissist and the outer martyr means there’s going to be a lot of ice cream and chocolate to medicate depression. Which is why some personality type researchers have noticed that Type C personality “is [more likely to be] a consumer of a diet high in sugar, high in saturated/trans-fats, and high in processed and refined foods.” They’re emotional eaters because they’re emotionally corrupt. More of Mate’s observations:

Emotional expression, in Mate’s view is absolutely essential because feelings serve to alert the individual to what is dangerous or unwholesome–or, conversely, to what is helpful and nourishing–so that the person can either take protective action against the thread or move toward the beneficial stimulus. If someone never gets angry, this reflects an unhealthy inability or unwillingness to defend personal integrity. Such “boundary confusion” can ultimately become a matter of life and death. If someone just cannot say no, Mate argues, his or her body will end up saying it in the form of illness or disease.

Put simply, nice people are fuck ups.

Like this.

Part II on why we train people to be nice coming soon.  In the meantime, try this: embrace your anger before it embraces you.

Application Questions vs. 9.0

Alive Juice Bar (and Dance Studio) is located in a suburban strip-mall just off of I5 exit 177 in the most socio-economically and ethnically diverse neighborhood in the Puget Sound. Customers range from CEOs to Meth Addicts, from Stepford Wives to Redneck Intellectuals, from Basic Bitches to Punk Rock Soccer Moms, Whigger Drug Dealers to Mormon Gangsters. That’s a wide range of palates to work with and to satisfy.  Alive Juice Bar is a bullshit and repression free-zone.

We want:

Manager/Sous-Chef: Have court-vision and listening range to see and hear what’s going on in entire kitchen. Put simply, know when someone is fucking up and fix the problem.  Pay depends on your negotiation and sales skills. Aims to work to become Head Chef who makes and manages menu.

Assistant: Develop the skills to become Manager/Sous-Chef so you can someday be self-sufficient and maybe, if you want, become CEO of a business like Microsoft or start a company that’ll take down a business like Microsoft.

To apply, answer questions below.   Respond by boldfacing your answer.  Like this:

Which answer do you pick?
a) This one
b) That one
c) Another one

Self-esteem assessment

What’s Plato’s Republic about?
a) Why we’re all dumbasses
b) The meaning of life
c) How to be happy

 

Why are you so lazy?
a) I’m not lazy.
b) I don’t have enough responsibilities.
c) I don’t care about the needs and wants of others.

Why are you so stupid?
a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask enough questions.
b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!

Why are you so smart?
a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.

How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
b) Never. Hire me and you’ll see my awesomeness.
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.

Why are you so lazy?
a) I daydream a lot.
b) I’m not lazy.
c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.

Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question.  This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.

Why are you so emotionally fragile?
a) My parents coddle and make excuses for me
b) I didn’t have enough traumatic experiences during childhood.
c) I’m not fragile, I’m strong and brave!  Smart and hard-working too!!!

 

Communication Skills Assessment

Pick best sentence:
a) Would you mind bringing me some beets when you get a chance?
b)  Get beets now.
c) Hey fucktard, get your ass over there, get some beets and bring it over here.

Salesperson calls, asks “Hi, how are you doing today?” How do you respond?
a) What do you want?
b) I’m fine. How are you today?
c) I feel like shit.  I want to beat the shit out of someone.

Pick best sentence for love-text:
a) Your scintillatingly luminous presence inspires and captivates my yearning heart to take an unsolicited leap of impossible faith into the great unknown of the comfort of your arms.
b) My darling, my heart aches for your presence and to finally be in your arms
c) Let’s cuddle.

Pick best sentence for first sentence of novel:
a) Dreary black skies loomed as the violent waves crashed onto glittering rocks that have never met such punishment.
b) It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets.
c) Fucking hurricane outside knocking down trees.

Technician finally calls you back.  He asks: Hi, how are you doing today?” How do you respond?
a) I’m fine, how are you today?
b) How do I fix this problem?
c) This problem is driving me crazy.  Because of your fucked up system, I can’t get my kids to school on-time, my cat took a dump on my pillow, and my husband is a lazy piece of shit who wants a divorce.

Your partner tells you you’re lazy.  How do you respond?
a) Takes on to know one, asshole.
b) Why am I lazy?
c) You never see all the things I do for you.

Sense of Reality Assessment

Person has substance abuse problem.
a) He needs to learn to love himself more, practice self-love by loving himself and surrounding himself with those who tell him he’s lovable.
b) He needs to work harder at solving his problems.
c) He needs more money to solve the underlying financial problems that are the cause of his addiction.

What happens when school district gives middle-class high school students their own laptops?
a) Playing field is leveled, they perform almost as well as those rich privileged kids at elite private school like Lakeside.
b) They watch porn and play games on laptop while in school, no change in academic performance.
c) They perform worse, laptops make people stupid.

Who is most likely to be batshit crazy?
a) White trash girl who knows she’s White trash.
b) Middle-class suburban girl who thinks she’s high society.
c) Rich kid slumming with the hobos and peasants.

Ten young women on a trip to a faraway land and stopped and robbed.  Five are picked to be raped.  What do you think the 5 NOT PICKED are thinking?
a) Whew, at least I wasn’t raped!
b) I feel terrible for those who were raped.
c) Am I ugly?

What affect does raising teacher wages have on teacher performance?
a) They don’t perform any better or worse, people are creatures of habit
b) They perform better, money is a great motivator
c)  They perform worse, money corrupts.

How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
a)100
b)70
c)40

How many hours a week does Eminem work?
a) 100
b)70
c)40

How many hours a week does 50 Cent work?
a) 100
b) 70
c) 40

What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers.

What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
c)Recording himself banging his hot secretary.

What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince.
b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.

What was 50 Cent doing on a random Saturday night, 2006?
a) Getting fucked up his ass by his trainer, who resembles Justin Bieber
b) Working out, writing songs and negotiating business contracts.
c) Sucking your mom’s big black dick, what the fuck does this have to do with this stupid job?

Random Questions

Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”

What did Walmart founder Sam Walton drive?
a)Beat up pickup truck
b)BMW
c)Hummer

The person who wrote this application:
a) Is an angry motherfucker.
b) Is batshit crazy. This is some fucked up shit.
c) Is trying to be funny. Ha ha. Ha. Right?

Frequently Asked Questions Part X

Links to FAQ I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX

General Shop Questions

 

Snowman

Why is there a snowman in the store?
Salvaged from another store that was closing, don’t know where else to put him.

Does it have a name? 
No

Did owner tell my son that the snowman will bite off his penis?  
Yes

Why the hell did he do that?  He has nightmares now…
To get him to stop doing whatever he was doing. Sorry about the nightmares.

Did it work?  
Yes

How do the ordering guidelines keep costs down?

Our guidelines prevent:

  • human walls that block traffic from forming.
  • people from forgetting their order
  • people who are ready to order from having to wait on those who aren’t ready

 

View More: http://raneyday.pass.us/alive-juice-bar

The guidelines also allow us to make multiple drinks at once, prepare for the next drink, and to continue prep work while customer reviews the menu. Most importantly, our system keeps employees sharp and “on-point.”

Put simply, it saves us and our customers significant time.

But doesn’t doing it this way stress out employees?
Stop projecting your incompetence and emotional fragility onto other people.  Other people are not you, other people can decide for themselves what’s stressful or not.  Finally, you’re pissing them off by not following the guidelines, which is why they’re ignoring you.

Do I have to shout out my order? 
Depends.  If all the blenders are on, yes.  If it’s quiet and someone is near you, normal voice is preferred.

Culture

Are millennials more spoiled and entitled and narcissistic than previous generations?
No, they’re not much different from their parents and grandparents and so forth.  People and cultures don’t change much, the habits and attitudes of one generation are often passed to the next.

You really think they’re not that different?
They’re not that different. It seems like they’re different because the environment has changed.

Subway1

Dance Studio

Is there a dance class schedule?
Link to schedule:  https://yuliyadance.wordpress.com/tentative-winter-dance-schedule-june/

How do I sign up for a class?
Meet instructor to discuss.

Gossip

Is it true when owner was in kindergarten he announced to his schoolmates that Santa doesn’t exist?
That’s a rumor.

Does J Crispy still come into the store? 
Yes.

How does he feel about having a drink named after him? 
Don’t know.

Is it true Alive Juice Bar has quotas on types of customers?
Yes.

Why do you discriminate against customers?
Most of our employees and customers don’t want to deal with people like Stepford Wives.  A few here and there we can tolerate.

step2

What’s wrong with them?
They never follow the ordering guidelines because they think it’s rude to not have a line, they want us to play music from like Amy Grant all fucking day, and everyone around them to smile like all the fucking time. They scare our customers and employees.  They’re annoying. Watch the movie for long answer to question:

How do you keep them out?
Bad service, play music that’ll offend them like this:

Where should they go for juice?
Bellevue.  They’ll enjoy Jujubeets.

Who is moving in next door? 
Cricket Wireless, a discount wireless phone company.

Six Years Old

I’ve been told that the second business like having a second child: the second one is tougher than the first one because you’re now watching over two who are often going in different directions.  We had twins, the clothing store that was planned, and a dance studio that wasn’t.

We *barely* made it to six years. It was close.

It’s taken us nearly a year to figure out how to use the new and much larger space effectively, to maximize efficiency and productivity.  Instead of storing inventory in the back storage (long walk), we now keep it in general public area, some of it as decor.

View More: http://raneyday.pass.us/alive-juice-bar

Apples in attractive buckets add color to decor.  And customers can purchase them as produce.

View More: http://raneyday.pass.us/alive-juice-bar

Customers like seeing the produce we use in our drinks.  Reminds them that we don’t use syrup.

This set-up has significantly reduced costly inventory mistakes and now we sell produce in addition to drinks and prepared foods.   Check out the deals on ginger and turmeric.

We’ve also worked with customers to improve efficiency of operations.  Our ordering guideline allows us to keep costs and wait times down while improving service to those who follow it.

Alive Juice Bar-0026.jpg

Those who don’t follow the guideline will either not be served or charged a dollar.

The guideline will help us adapt to the soon to be $15/hour minimum wage without raising prices.

We’ve also been building our prepared meals business.  Customers have been ordering customized nutritionally balanced and diverse meals to reduce their grocery expenses, to improve their diet, and to save time.

Alive Juice Bar-Juice Bar Final-0043.jpg

Chicken satay meal with 3 veggies, 5 oz of chicken, and brown rice.  Nutritionally balanced and diverse.

The dance studio, which has been losing money, we expect to be profitable by this summer, when summer camps begin.  We now only let those with established followings use the space instead of offering free rent to aspiring dance instructors to build their businesses.  It’s been difficult to find callow instructors patient and resilient enough to build their own business.  Most quit when they learn that their friends aren’t reliable and that it takes time to build a reputation and brand.

Alive Juice Bar-Juice Bar Final-0089.jpg

Bellydance w/Dahlia notes.

Clothing store is nearly ready to be opened full-time.  We’re still working on the three person changing room that’ll be used by the dance studio and clothing store.  We’ve been adding higher quality inventory to the clothing store.

Once the two new businesses are profitable, we’ll work on our next project, a bistro in SnoKing neighborhood that’ll be comparable to the best restaurants in Seattle.  We’re seeking an unusual space with high ceilings, perhaps a garage warehouse.

Selling the three businesses to fund the bistro is an option if we find the right buyer. I’m also keeping in mind that businesses owners have said that if you can handle three businesses, the fourth one and more are easy, just as with children.  The leadership skills, production systems, and work culture are developed enough for unlimited expansion.

Thanks to those who helped us get this far.  There’s still a lot of work to do.  Let’s do it!

Alive Juice Bar-Juice Bar Final-0065.jpg

Agape.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why We Don’t Carry Wheatgrass (and Other Snake Oils)

Discussion about why we don’t name any ingredient a “super” anything and offensive material about Oprah and White people farther down. First, let’s get this wheatgrass debate settled.

We don’t carry wheatgrass, despite demand for it.  Here’s why:

From random uncredentialed guy writing on Skeptico blog: Wheatgrass is for Cows
Summary: Wheatgrass is for cows, not humans, as humans are unable to digest it as cows do.

But why should we trust some random guy on random blogsite?

From Webmd: Wheatgrass Claims
S
ummary: Review of independent peer reviewed studies of wheatgrass show that there’s little or no evidence of its purported health benefits to those who drink it.

But that’s just another website, the article isn’t peer reviewed,  and we don’t know if author left out studies in his review.  So let’s go with a renown Naturopath who is also an MD.

From Dr. Andrew Weil, MD (from Harvard),  undergrad in Botany (from Harvard); founder of Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine. Currently Clinical Professor of Medicine, a Professor of Public Health, and the Lovell-Jones Professor of Integrative Rheumatology at University of Arizona School of Medicine: Wheatgrass Does Not Deliver
Summary: Wheatgrass is bullshit.  Key quotes:

On benefits of chlorophyll: chlorophyll, the green pigment that gives plants their color, has no nutritional role in the human body, a fact that hasn’t stopped promoters from making extravagant claims for it. Secondly, there’s no evidence to suggest that wheatgrass or chlorophyll are substitutes for 2.2 pounds of vegetables. If you search the medical literature for “wheatgrass,” you find very few entries and none at all suggesting that it has any health benefits for humans.

On cost-effectiveness of wheatgrass versus fruit and veggies: Wheatgrass may provide some vitamins and minerals but not nearly as many as you would get from some common foods that taste much better. For example, according to one calculation, you would get 860 mg of protein from seven 3.5 gm wheatgrass tablets while a half cup of cooked broccoli would give you 2,300 mg. Wheatgrass tablets would give you 1,668 IU of beta carotene, compared to 20,253 IU in a single raw carrot. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Nutritionally speaking, wheatgrass simply doesn’t deliver on the promoters’ promises. I certainly wouldn’t recommend substituting it for any of the fresh vegetables and fruits in your diet. Spend your money on good, organically produced food, not on wheatgrass or other sprouts or grasses marketed as “super-foods.”

From American Cancer Society, which has provided funding to 47 Nobel Lauretes: Review of Wheatgrass
S
ummary: No evidence AND beware of supplements general, as actual amount of ingredient consumer wants varies. Person who made wheatgrass a health fad was a quack and batshit crazy.

The wheatgrass diet was developed by Boston resident Ann Wigmore, who immigrated to the United States from Lithuania. Wigmore believed strongly in the healing power of nature. Wigmore’s notion that fresh wheatgrass had value came from her interpretation of the Bible and observations that dogs and cats eat grass when they feel ill. Wigmore claimed that the wheatgrass diet could cure disease.

In 1982, the Massachusetts Attorney General sued Wigmore for claiming that her program could reduce or eliminate the need for insulin in diabetics. She later retracted her claims. In 1988, the Massachusetts Attorney General sued Wigmore again, this time for claiming that an “energy enzyme soup” she invented could cure AIDS. Wigmore was ordered to stop representing herself as a physician or person licensed to treat disease. Although Wigmore died in 1993, her Creative Health Institute is still active. Wheatgrass is readily available, and her diet is still in use.

So what is it about human nature that allows so many people — the highly intelligent included, even Steve Jobs gets duped — to buy snake-oils like wheatgrass, to believe in bullshit?

Human Nature
If there’s anything to be learned from Cultural Anthropology (and there’s not much), it’s that as social structure evolves — feudalism to capitalism, for instance — social codes and archetypes from one era reappear in another in a different form. Example: Aunt Jemima, year 1900.  She’s loved by white people because she takes good care of them.  Mammy, the house nigger archetype, as Black historians put it. Oprah Winfrey, year 2000.  Same shit, different form.  Look at her audience — mostly middle-class white women. Oprah is their Mammy, telling them which books to read, which diets to follow, which causes to get worked up about. Only difference is that Oprah makes coin because she lives in a more advanced (or different) stage of capitalism than did those who represented Aunt J in minstrel shows a century ago.

Not saying those who don’t like rap (code) necessarily hate Black people.  Not saying those with Free Tibet stickers (code) dislike Chinese people or Asians in general.  Just saying it’s human nature to classify and differentiate, to codify and regulate identities. Telling people it’s socially unacceptable to call a Chinaman (archetype) a Chinaman (code) doesn’t mean people will stop thinking of or treat the Chinaman as a Chinaman, or a Wetback a Wetback, a Dago Wop a Dago Wop.  They’ll just find a more socially acceptable way to express difference.

The codes and archetypes evolve to reflect the aims and needs of the political economy. Slavery (code) in the US didn’t end because enough people *finally* recognized such bondage as immoral. You really think white abolitionists (archetype) gave a shit about “Negroes” anymore than they cared about the “free” Irish immigrants who lived a mile away from them in conditions, according to a University of Chicago economist, even worse than those of Southern slaves? Slavery ended because enough people figured out that it doesn’t work well with industrial capitalism. Slavery became immoral because it was becoming inefficient — less productive than wage labor — and not because the temptation to exploit other people in such a way had waned. Just because material life has gotten better and society more civil doesn’t mean human nature has changed. People are still scared and vain and will seek short-cuts to the Kingdom of Heaven by trying to create Heaven on Earth.  People will forever do some fucked up shit to each other, with most justifying, rationalizing as good and just what they’ve done, from carpet bombing a village to interrogation by torture to massacre. Instead of burning the witch at the stake, now we post compromising photos of that bitch on Instagram.

History and Human Nature
Why is it we can laugh at or be horrified by instances of human depravity and degeneracy throughout history, yet not recognize our own sins and follies? We can laugh at Ponce DeLeon for being a dumbass for searching for the Fountain of Youth (AND believe in this story which likely isn’t true), yet we fall for wheatgrass, spirulina, weight-loss pills, cock enlargement pumps, reverse-aging creams, those metal bracelets that do whatever it is they’re supposed to do, and ionized water?

Medical doctors and scientists would probably blame low scientific literacy as the source of the problem.  Sure sure, most Americans don’t understand the scientific method or how clinical trials work or the difference between correlation and causation or how problematic observational studies are and what can be concluded from a mice study or what “double blind peer review” means.  But I don’t think a person needs to be familiar with any of the above to detect bullshit. We have built-in bullshit detectors.  We just don’t use them.

So why don’t we use our bullshit detectors? What makes it so tempting to hear only what we want to hear, to see only what we want to see in ourselves and others?  When do we become susceptible to believing fantastic promises that appeal to our vanities?

Part of it is how history is often taught, how we understand it.  “Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it.” Thanks for the reminder, George, but forgetting the past isn’t the reason why history repeats itself. History repeats itself especially when it’s NOT forgotten. Guy sentenced to life in jail for vehicular homicide didn’t forget his three DUIs, he was just being human, a dumbass creature of habit.  And I’m not claiming “progress” hasn’t been made, I’ll take my toilet over whatever Jesus used. I’m saying that thinking of the trajectory of history as “moral progress”  — qualified by “if we study history” — makes us blind to ourselves, our Original Sin. Unable to see ourselves in Pol Pot, Hitler, Henry V, Catherine the Great, Stalin, Caligula, Judas Iscariot, we become arrogant, vain, self-righteous and self-satisfied.  “I would never have owned slaves,” the American Apparel clad college girl tells herself as she reads Howard Zinn’s People’s History. “I would’ve released them, then teach them how to read, to start a glorious revolution.” Twenty years later she’s living in a nearly Black-less neighborhood, and the closest she’s ever come to helping anyone Black has been her purchase of tunes from Aaliyah and a Richard Sherman jersey. How’s that for ironic living?

Superfood as Colonial Narrative
Is there an Anthropologist in the house?  We’re going to need one soon.

(Artistic license taken) “Acai berries for super duper healthy living AND to empower the peasants, save them from greedy capitalists!”  In May 2009, Bloomberg reported that the expanding popularity of açaí in the United States was “depriving Brazilian jungle dwellers of a protein-rich nutrient they’ve relied on for generations.” From Reality Check: “False claims include reversal of diabetes and other chronic illnesses, as well as expanding size of the penis and increasing men’s sexual virility.” Oops, we fucked up.

“Quinoa for super duper healthy living AND to empower the peasants, save them from greedy capitalists!”  From UK Guardian: “Ethical consumers should be aware poor Bolivians can no longer afford their staple grain, due to western demand raising prices.” Oops, we fucked up.

(From Runa website, word for word) Runa is a social enterprise supporting indigenous farmers and reforestation in the Amazon. Runa brews beverages from guayusa, a super-leaf from the Amazon …”  We should know how this “social enterprise” (social fucking enterprise! these fuckers aren’t even subtle about it anymore) is going to end.  But we get duped by the same message over and over again: Fountain of Youth! Bigger Penis! Save the Peasants from Greedy Capitalists! We fall for the same pick up line because it makes us feel good, and because deep down, we don’t give a shit about those jungle dwelling brown motherfuckers, which is why we can conveniently forget — no, ignore — what happened to them last time we tried to help them. We just like to believe we care about them, and that their big big smiles are for real when they take photos with us. It’s as if colonialism never ended. Instead of guns, now the imperialists use superfoods to fuck things up in their own fucked up way.  The colonial narrative, that trifecta of: glory and riches, more pussy, and White burden, continues on in American grocery stores and on dining tables.

Here’s where an Anthropologist may be of help. Instead of studying impact of superfood agriculture on environment and culture, instead of studying the Other, let’s study White people.  By White people, I don’t mean genotype or White individuals.  I mean White people as trope, as inheritors of a colonial legacy. As consumers of *all races* unwilling to recognize the colonial past in their post-colonial present. Let’s get to the source of the problem.

History and Human Nature Part II: Self Interest vs. Vanity

Most schools and media teach history as the story about good people as victims of bad people and that we have moral obligation to help the victims of present and past and punish the bad. Put simply, propaganda. The Aliens watching us from Alpha Centauri don’t see good versus evil, they only see people doing fucked up shit to each other, just as we see animals in the wild do fucked up shit to each other but don’t assign moral value to their actions.  That’s precisely the kind of story Thucydides wrote about in History of the Peloponnesian Wars. It’s a seminal historical text because it’s the first to be so cold, detached, impartial; because it isn’t a story about good and evil, it’s about *human nature* and how we can best protect ourselves from other people. It’s a story about how there are NEITHER victims NOR volunteers.  There are only competing self-interests that sometimes come in conflict with another.

Santayana’s “remember the past so you don’t make the same mistakes,” is an alluring way to read history because it appeals to our vanity. “Those bad bad people are them, and I’m me, who would never do that, I’m better than that” we’re led to think.  Really?  The only reason why the 19 year old girl who worships Ayn Rand (a Fuck You conservative) can declare herself a Communist (combo = psychobitch, guaranteed) without a hint of irony is because she doesn’t have the power to round people up and work them to death at a labor camp. And she’s too chickenshit to do anything more than tell her Facebook friends that that bitch is not her mom. Send her back in time — give her power, make her Catherine the Great — then we’ll see who she really is. There will be blood everywhere.

If Santayana’s version of history takes down the proverbial mirror we need to recognize ourselves in our readings of the past, reading history as the codification of identity and the study of human nature nails it back up for us to see who we really are.  With history as the study of human nature on repeat, every cheat, murderer, dumbass, fool, coward, and psychopath we read about becomes a story about our present condition, a reflection of who we are. It helps us recognize our own follies, our venality and arrogance, our total depravity. It may help us to smell present-day bullshit like this:

Ignored Since the 1950s – Is Spirulina Now a ‘Miracle’ High-Protein Super Food?

Imagine a plant that can nourish your body by providing most of the protein you need to live, help prevent the annoying sniffling and sneezing of allergies, reinforce your immune system, help you control high blood pressure and cholesterol, and help protect you from cancer. Does such a “super food” exist?

Yes. It’s called spirulina.

Which isn’t much different from bullshit from the past, like this:

004_Snake_Oil_Ad

The ingredients may change, but human nature remains.

The Vanity of Vanities
According to Socrates, there are two types of people: dumbasses who know they’re dumbasses, and dumbasses who don’t.  The former ask more questions and make fewer assumptions because of their insecure knowledge. The latter ask few questions and rely on belief, bullshit, and bromides to sustain their vain sense of self. The former go with what sounds right.  The latter with what sounds good.

Vanity is self-interest turned on its side, that desire for a sense of progress and self-esteem rather than actual improvement. Pay up and pop the pill to feel like effort and progress has been made, even though it’d cost less and be more effective to consistently eat diverse and balanced meals and to exercise daily.  Vanity and its dampening affect on our bullshit detectors, not poor science literacy, is what feeds the pseudoscience and anti-science industries. Michael Schulson, on the importance of keeping our vanity in check when thinking about the politics of science (from  Whole Foods: America’s Temple of Pseudoscience):

It’s that whenever we talk about science and society, it helps to keep two rather humbling premises in mind: very few of us are anywhere near rational. And pretty much all of us are hypocrites.

And dumbasses.

SnakeOilGirl2

Why People Hate McDonald’s

Would you work for a Fortune 500 company with the following profile:

* Has an African-American CEO
* Honored by Black Enterprise as one of the best companies for diversity at staff and corporate levels
* Provides all expense paid college credit eligible education at its business management school.
* Promotes from within and doesn’t discriminate against those without college degrees when hiring for executive level positions, including CEO.
* Invests in progressive businesses — ie. Chipotle — that raise the standard of fast-food and build green storefronts

Who that? You know the answer, title gives it away:  McDonald’s. If you feel thrown off, then we’re ready to begin.

Why People Hate McDonald’s

Top 5 reasons — qualitatively gathered — in no particular order:

1. They treat their employees like shit.
2. Their food tastes like shit.
3. They put shit in their food.
4. Their food makes people look like shit.
5. They use manipulative advertising to get kids addicted to eating shit.

All of which need to be translated, those are just codes meant to deflect attention. There’s something else going on here.  Not just projection, there’s sublimation, that “mature” defense mechanism, says Freud: when you replace urge to do something that *you* think is socially unacceptable with socially acceptable stand-in. Like Luke becoming an NFL linebacker so he doesn’t end up in jail for beating the shit out of that motherfucker.  Jenna marrying ultra-stylish Jack the hairdresser to keep Dad proud. Sam becoming a proctologist because he was raised Catholic strict.

Top 5 Reasons to Hate McDonald’s, Deconstructed and Debunked

They treat their employees like shit
Pay for non-managerial staff is comparable to what a typical hospital pays its resident MDs; similar to what the university pays its graduate student TAs and RAs ; almost as much as what a community college pays its adjunct professors to teach. (I could go on). Yet people aren’t boycotting their hospitals and schools due to employee pay and career growth opportunities.

In providing career growth opportunities, McDonald’s has most businesses — Alive Juice Bar included — beat: you can be of humble origins and degree-less and still become its CEO, as Charlie Bell (who started working at McDonald’s at 15) had.  Free education for its management trainees. One of few businesses willing to give those with no experience and skills (and the wrong color) a chance.

Their food tastes like shit.
It’s how you frame and present something.  Watch this prank: 

Summary for those who can’t watch it: pranksters pose as chefs of high end restaurant.  They serve samples of their food — McDonald’s fare, actually — at food expo.  Some who sample rave about taste and high quality of food:

The ‘Chicken McNuggets’ were neatly cut up and served by a charming young waiter, complete with tidy uniform. “Rolls around the tongue nicely, if it were wine I’d say it’s fine,” an older and presumably more experienced food critic commented.

“The structure is good, yes. Not too sticky,” said one expert about a McMuffin. Then it was onto the ‘real classics’.

“You can just tell this is a lot more pure,” came another comment from a young lady operating an organic stall.

It’s like those studies that show a painting of, say, a boy pissing on a tree. Take that painting, make two of them, date one at 1500, another at present day and attribute it to someone who doesn’t look like a painter. Most will describe the first as some Renaissance classic.  The latter as ghetto trash.  Which is it?

baroque shit

Renaissance era painting or two boys tugging on each other’s penis. A classic or kiddie porn?

 

Point is, we’re tools.  We’re not trained to think or to ask questions, we’re trained to respond on cue, like caged rats in an experiment:

Organic……..Fresh
Gluten-free……Healthy
Grass-fed…….Tasty
Fat-free………Healthy
Wild………..Fresh

Even though organic has nothing to do with freshness, gluten-free isn’t healthier if you’re not celiac, and grass-fed isn’t necessarily tastier, you get the idea.  Our brains exaggerate and mix and match correlations.

They put shit in their food.
A few examples: 
Earthworms (1978)
Mutant Lab Meat (2000)
Cow Eyeballs (2006)
Random Rot Preventing Chemicals (200?)

Blood libel, definition (Wiki): “accusation that Jews kidnapped and murdered children of Christians to use their blood as part of their religious rituals during Jewish holidays.”  The world may change, but human nature remains the same: we’re still mean-spirited and vindictive. About what, we’ll get to later.

Who is more dangerous, the person who created this hoax, or those who believe it?

Who is more dangerous, the person who created this hoax, or those who believe it?

Their food makes people look like shit.
You can do a lot worse at a neighborhood Greek diner or Chinese take-out or Tacqueria, where portion sizes and calorie counts are even more ridiculous.  Or at a fine-dining steakhouse like Metropolitan Grill or El Gaucho — 3,000 calories easy for someone who orders 1 entree, 1 salad, 1 drink, and a desert. Grande Frappucino plus blueberry muffin at Starbucks is 700 nutritionally deficient calories. Not saying McDonald’s Value Meals provide the balanced and diverse nutrition we try to get customers to consistently eat, they don’t. I’m just wondering why McDonald’s gets blamed for the obesity epidemic when they don’t serve anywhere near the most nutritionally appalling meals.

They use manipulative advertising to get kids addicted to eating shit.
Anthony Bourdain describes McDonald’s advertising tactics as “Black Propaganda.” (He exaggerates, but let’s work with it). And so?  Try to think of an (effective) ad that isn’t manipulative, that provides a cold, detached, balanced review of a product’s benefits and a brand’s purpose. Is there a nation that doesn’t use propaganda to control its populace?  Find me a person who isn’t manipulative and I’ll stop charging customers $1 for Better Service.

How to Figure People Out
Asking what someone likes doesn’t reveal much about the person.

“The woman I like is smart, sexy, confident, tomboy by day, sex kitten by night, looks good in either jeans or a dress…” which reveals that this guy is a fucking tool, a dull one at that.  A better way to figure out who someone is — personality and social status — and how they’ll act is to mix it up and ask what they dislike. Here’s a real life example, from an interview with an applicant:

Interviewer: What are your career goals?
Applicant: I hope to work at Woman, Infants, and Children (WIC) food stamps program.  I want to help the poor make better choices with their food stamp money.  I want to help the poor eat better.
Interviewer: What do you think about Roger’s Market?  (Roger’s is an independent grocery store in Mountlake Terrace, primarily serving low income residents.  Lots of food stamps).
Applicant: It’s disgusting, everything about it.  I try to stay away from there.
Interviewer: Then you won’t last 2 weeks working at the WIC.
Applicant: Huh?
Interviewer: You just told me you hate poor people.  If you can’t stand shopping at Roger’s, where those with food stamps shop, then how are you going to work with them on a near daily basis?

Not saying she’s insincere about her desire to help the poor eat better. Just saying this desire is driven by a conflict within herself she doesn’t understand and doesn’t want to acknowledge because it’s too painful to do so. When we cross-check this interview transcript with applicant resume and Facebook page, what emerges is a standard lower middle-class female who’s one wrong move from becoming White trash.  That’s why she spends money she doesn’t have on microbrews and listens to college radio. That’s why she goes into debt to get a bullshit degree at a bullshit college, to gain some psychological (but ephemeral) distance from the wrong side of the tracks, even at the risk of having the debt force her to stand in line for food stamps.  And it’s precisely that risk — unacknowledged but instinctively recognized — that makes her hate those she’s afraid of becoming. That’s why she expresses her repressed hatred by seeking a career that allows her to “help” those she hates, that confirms her identity as not one of them.

Why We Actually Don’t Hate McDonald’s
Hating McDonald’s is like hating your great-grandmother for being a racist.  She’s an icon for lasting this long, so you forgive her faults. McDonald’s is an American icon, and they know it, which is why they’re using sentimental ads to make you less pissed off at them, to remind you of a time when everyone, regardless of social class and race, ate at McDonald’s without guilt.

Thesis: those who hate McDonald’s don’t hate McDonald’s.  They hate McDonald’s customers. They hate the stereotype of those who regularly eat at McDonald’s. They hate poor people, and the ones afraid that they themselves will end up poor probably hate themselves too. Let’s return to the 5 reasons why people hate McDonald’s.

1. They treat their employees like shit.
2. Their food tastes like shit.
3. They put shit in their food.
4. Their food makes people look like shit.
5. They use manipulative advertising to get kids addicted to eating shit.

Above 5 is how we routinely describe the poor.  It’s the poor, the thinking goes, who get paid and treated like shit.  It’s the poor who eat food that tastes like shit; who are pathetic enough to eat food that literally is shit; who are obese; who are stupid enough to be so easily manipulated.

But we’ve been taught that it’s socially unacceptable to shit on the poor. So we displace our hate onto the biggest piece of cultural flotsam we see, the number one fast food company in the world. Calling out the Greek diner or Chinese takeout or the dive bar that serves too much alcohol is too politically problematic — these are hard working immigrants making a living by providing what people want and blaming alcohol will lead to riots.  But blaming a giant corporation for serving what people want *is* socially acceptable, a lot more so than telling your daughter she needs to lose 50 pounds.

It’s easier to blame McDonald’s for making people fat than to blame fat people for making themselves fat, *possibly* from eating at McDonald’s.  It’s more comforting: “It’s not my fault my kids are obese,” rationalizes Mom’s defense mechanism. “If we just get rid of fast food and raise wages, these people wouldn’t act as they do,” the Champagne Socialist who has never lived among non-immigrant American poor surmises. In other words, it’s more comforting to believe that we don’t control our destiny, that virtue and character don’t emerge from that struggle within, it’s simply a matter of public fucking policy.  Fix the policy and we’ll have Heaven on Earth, the thinking goes, as people wait and wait and wait for the government to get it right.

The problem isn’t McDonald’s.   McDonald’s is just providing what some people want and making McDonald’s disappear isn’t going to make a difference — none at all — because people will get what they want and what they deserve, regardless of public policy and intervening laws. The problem is us.  We’re the ones who are suspicious instead of skeptical, gullible instead of judicious, and fearful of our place in a rapidly changing society.

Nietzsche on the Monsters we fight (from Beyond Good and Evil):

“Those who fight Monsters should look to it that they themselves do not become Monsters.  And when you gaze long into the Abyss, the Abyss also gazes into you.”

And the only experience more terrifying than the abyss gazing back into you is when it offers you a Big Mac and Fries, which you then eat alone.

 

 

 

Alive Juice Bar Training Manual, Part II: How to Recognize Bullshit

Link to Part I, on Working With Human Nature

 

I. Bullshit is Everywhere
From Time magazine, 2014:

 

5 Things You Should Know About the Tiananmen Square Massacre

Chinese troops violently retook the square in Beijing where pro-democracy protesters had set up camp for weeks.The Tiananmen Square massacre left an unknown number dead, with some estimates in the thousands, and smothered a democratic movement. But after a quarter-century—and a thorough attempt by the Chinese government to conceal the events that unfolded that June—our collective memory is sometimes limited to not much more than an image of a man defiantly standing in front of a tank.

Imagine the massacre, what it looked like.

Now watch this video of “tank man”:

Watch the entire fucking thing you lazy piece of shit, especially if you were born before 1980. I’ll make this worth the two and a half minutes of your time, this will blow your mind.

What did you see?  Pick:

a. Brave Chinaman standing up for democracy and human rights
b. Lunatic Chinaman doing some crazy shit.

Now what did the tank do?  What the fuck did the tank do?

a. Crushed the Chinaman.
b. Tried to go around the Chinaman.

Is your bullshit detector on?  What did you see?  What did you read? Does everything make sense or do you sense dissonance between what you saw and what you read?

I saw a battalion of tanks show remarkable restraint.  Tank didn’t even react when Chinaman climbed on top of it. Now stand on the top of a police car in the US and see what happens to you.

Now read this, from Wikileaks:

“He watched the military enter the square and did not observe any mass firing of weapons into the crowds, although sporadic gunfire was heard. He said that most of the troops which entered the square were actually armed only with anti-riot gear – truncheons and wooden clubs; they were backed up by armed soldiers,” a cable from July 1989 said.

So who is full of shit, the Chinese government or Time magazine? Time fucking magazine, that’s who and this isn’t the only bullshit that gets tossed at us. Now ask yourself why nearly all Americans who followed news of this incident believed it even when there isn’t one video or photo showing systematic killing of students in the Square?  (There are only videos of riots in parts of the city, which all parties agree happened).  What makes people susceptible to believing bullshit?

(Click here if you’re interested in what really happened)

Good managers can spot bullshit.  And there’s a lot of bullshit out there — most of it is bullshit — people’s delusions about themselves and others count as bullshit too. Spot bullshit by relying more on a person’s actions and the results of their actions, less on what a person says. Words are meaningless until backed by action and results.

II. Why People are Full of Shit

You can learn a lot about a person by noting what type of bullshit he believes in. A few years back there was a report on the news about a pitbulls killing a boxer at a Seattle dog park. Description of pitbulls’ owners, from Mountlake Terrace News:

The couple is described as a heavily tattoo (sic) man in his 20’s and a female 5’6 190 lbs late in her 20’s with three pit bulls.

(Identified as White in another description).

In other words, whiggers.  Yes yes, it makes sense, so much sense…

Except it didn’t to those who paid attention to the improbability of some of the details of the report. Which you’re not likely to do if you secretly hate whiggers and anything associated with them (like niggers). At any rate, it turned out to be a hoax, a bullshit report that led to hysteria and two weeks worth of copycat bullshit reports of pitbulls throughout Puget Sound region mauling this dog and that dog while their whigger owners stood there laughing.

Point is, people will believe that which confirms their reality.  And not believe that which challenges their identity.  That’s why there’s so much bullshit, why people lie to themselves and to others.

Good managers are adept at recognizing and managing employee and customer realities and identities. The self-described “nice girl” will find it difficult to recognize her inconsiderate behavior and if she does, will excuse it or blame others.  The guy who thinks he’s funny won’t notice that nobody is laughing at his jokes.  The customer who thinks he’s being polite when he doesn’t tell employee that there’s something wrong with a product won’t realize that he’s a cowardly narcissist who is hurting the business by not letting anyone know.

III. How to Detect Bullshit 

Deflection instead of taking responsibility.  If you point out to employee that he did something wrong and he responds with: “Oh I usually do it right I just messed up that one time,” he’s full of shit and will make that same mistake again.

Anyone who is wordy is full of shit.  They’re like students answering short essay questions.  The ones who know the answer get to the point and give the correct answer with precision and alacrity. Those who don’t know guess this and that in hopes of getting partial credit.  Never trust someone who rambles, who can’t stick to a topic.

Anyone who uses a lot of jargon is full of shit.  Jargon is meant to intimidate and confuse so you don’t call them out on their bullshit.

Those who name-drop are full of shit. Also used to intimidate.

Changing the topic means there’s bullshit.

Blaming others and making excuses means there’s bullshit. This one happens all the time.

Gift giving can be a sign of bullshit to come or to cover/make up for.  Dad buys daughter new car because he feels guilty about divorcing her mom.  Girl gives super nice but too nice boyfriend really good blowjob before breaking up with him the next day. Giving a compliment to fish for a compliment.  Telling spouse you love her after losing a month’s worth of salary at the casino.

Those who fish for compliments, who are addicted to praise and affirmation, are full of shit.  To feed their addiction, they give bullshit compliments to other people in hopes of favor returned.  Which creates a fake world of meaningless words.

We’ll keep adding to this list.  In the meantime, train yourself to spot signs of bullshit and how to translate what someone is really saying by focusing on their actions.

Examples:

“Happy Birthday, Love you Dad!”
Translation: “I love you because I seek your affirmation that I’m a good daughter. But I don’t love you enough to plan how I’m going to take care of you when turn geriatric. Your affirmation isn’t worth that much trouble.”

Note: Love is an action, not a feeling.  Love is communicated through words when there’s little or no action.

“Honey, I got your dry cleaning!”
Translation: “Take me to this show and dinner and then play with my pussy for long time when we get home. I earned it.”

Note: Fishing for acknowledgement is one of the lowest forms of emotional manipulation. It suggests score keeping, which is impossible to maintain if one wants a healthy relaltionship.

Next in Part III, we’ll consider scenarios on how to best work with customers and employees.

 

 

Manager Training Manual – Part I, On Human Nature

Summary: Manual for Alive Juice Bar managers.    

I. Imitate the best. Treat employees and customers as they treat(ed) theirs.
a. Examples: Marco Pierre White; Charlie Trotter; Thomas Keller; David Chang

b. The best (from all fields) study and work with human nature.  They’re realists about themselves and other people.

II. Recognize human nature.
a. People don’t change, even if they want to change. Personality is set by ~ age 6; habits by ~ 18; character by ~30. Growing wiser isn’t the same as changing.

b. People can change temporarily.  They revert back to their true (baseline) selves when overwhelmed or when they think they can get away with it.

c. People will deceive themselves and others to protect their identity.

d. People will rage against those who challenge their identity

e. Despite the self-deception, deep down people know who they really are, their proper place in society, and what’s really going on within and around them.

III. Work with human nature
a. Don’t try to change a person’s sense of self. Never try to beat self-deception. Let it be, work with it.

b. When trying to change behavior, focus on one or two at a time, and make it stick with repetition.  Don’t overwhelm someone by pointing out all mistakes.  Change is painful work.

c. Telling and showing someone how to do something and watching them do it correctly once isn’t enough.  Mastery and change requires repetition.  Drill the person — repetition —  you’re training. Create a habit so they don’t have to think about what they’re doing. Don’t give someone the option to take short-cuts, to be lazy.

d. People revert back to their true state when overwhelmed by the difficulties of life. Prevent reversion by slowly increasing amount of stress one can handle.  Tolerance for stress is a muscle that can grow stronger with training.

e. Once someone reverts back to their baseline state, they have to be retrained, just as with addicts.

f. People are more likely to do what you want them to do if they think it benefits them.

IV Manage Human Nature
a. People are contagious.  We’ll keep one emotionally disturbed knucklehead around. Any more and everyone gets infected.

b. People are contagious.  Note the company an employee spends most time with.  Wrong crowd means it’s time to get rid of her.

c. People are contagious.  Push employees to make progress in their lives, to strive for new achievements.  It’ll energize the crew and customers.

d. Mindset and attitude are more important than technical skills.  People don’t change, you can’t change someone’s mindset and attitude, you can’t make someone coachable.  But it’s easy to teach someone who is coachable new technical skills.  That’s why Charlie Trotter hired those without restaurant experience.

e. Trust your guts, never your heart.  Your gut is the subconscious processing reality, often into uncomfortable truths about yourself and others. Your heart tells you what you want to hear, which is rarely the truth.

f. Use fear to manage employees and customers.  If there’s no fear, there’s no respect.  If there’s no respect, there’s no love.

Quiz:
1. What should Mother say to get her son to eat something he doesn’t want?
a. Drink that kale smoothie or I’ll kick your ass.
b. Drink that kale smoothie if  you want to grow a nine inch cock and find a girlfriend who’ll ride it.
c. Baby, drink that kale smoothie, it’s good for you, do it for mommy, ok?

2. Daughter wants a car.  How should she ask her parents?
a. I got straight As, I deserve a car.
b. Mom, buy me a car or I’m telling Dad you’ve been fucking Uncle Burt.
c. If you buy me a car, I’ll drive you home when you get wasted, like you do every weekend.  It’ll cost less than a DUI lawyer and increased insurance rate.

3. A woman most consider beautiful thinks of herself as ugly.  Which comment makes her feel best?
a. You’re not ugly, you’re gorgeous.
b. You need to lose some weight.
c. Anyone who thinks you’re ugly is a fool.

4. Which 6 year old is most likely to become a serial killer?  
a. The one who gets bitch slapped for getting a B
b. The one who tortures animals for fun.
c. The boy who is forced to dress like a girl by his sisters.

5. Which teenager is most likely to become CEO of a publicly traded company?
a. The drug dealer who also prints counterfeit money and routinely breaks into cars to take on joy ride.
b. The A student and winner of “Best Citizen Award” who goes on to major in Computer Science at MIT
c. The All-State athlete who goes on to star at D-1 level.

6. How do you motivate someone who is self-driven?
a. Be encouraging, tell her how awesome she is.
b. Be supportive, ask him if there’s anything you can do to help.
c. Go drill sergeant on him, tell him to stop acting like a stupid, lazy, cunt.

7. How do you get someone who is lazy and has high self-esteem to fix a mistake?
a. Feed her bullshit sandwich — compliment followed by criticism followed by a compliment.
b. Go drill sergeant on him, tell him to stop acting like a stupid, lazy, cunt.
c. Be encouraging, tell her how awesome she is.

8. An employee leaves sharp knives in soapy water.  What should you say to her?
a. Please don’t do that again, it’s dangerous, someone can get hurt.
b. If you’re being sadistic and want to see blood, fine.  If not, you’re a self-absorbed knucklehead.
c. Do that again and I’ll kill you with the knife I find in the water.

Answers:
1. b (Always appeal to another’s self-interest)
2. c (Always appeal to another’s self-interest)
3. b (People enjoy hearing that which confirms their sense of self)
4. b (Habits don’t change)
5. a (CEOs are conscientious rule breakers and problem solvers; habits don’t change)
6. c (Many highly motivated people feel inadequate; confirms sense of self)
7. a (Those with inflated self-esteem are easily hurt and need much affirmation to prevent depression and anxiety)
8. b (We don’t punish someone for being intentional, even if intention is sadism; we punish self-absorbed and inconsiderate behavior).

Next section will be on How to Detect Bullshit.

Suggested Readings:
48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
The 50th Law by Robert Greene and 50 Cent
The Prince by Nicolo Machiavelli
The Republic by Plato

 

Application Questions vs 6.1

(Posted on Craigslist)

Job duties: Get shit done without annoying co-workers and most customers.

Job requirements: Be coachable.

Style of Service: Attentive rather than polite. We anticipate customer needs, get inside their heads.

Preferred: Can speak foreign language. Can cook and serve for a 100 person wedding.

To apply, take our psychological assessment test.

Most of you will flunk this test. That’s ok, we just want to see where you’re at in life and maybe we’ll try to work with it. If you’re not delusional, great, maybe you can manage and someday own the business. In any case, have fun with the test.  Don’t think too hard, don’t hesitate to use the internet to research, and boldface your answers, like this:

Why am I taking this test?
a) I’m sadistic
b) I’m wasted
c) I’m batshit crazy

Pay is $10-$14 plus tips ($5-$7/hour).  Perks: free juice and dance classes (we have a dance studio).

Multiple Choice Questions

Which is not a Basic Bitch degree?
a) Environmental Science
b) Psychology
c) Physics

What’s Plato’s Republic about?
a) Why we’re all dumbasses
b) The meaning of life
c) How to be happy

Why are so many poor Americans fat?
a) They’re lazy and have bad habits.
b) They don’t have access to or money to buy healthy food
c) They don’t have the education to know what’s best for them.

How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
a)100
b)70
c)40

How many hours a week does Eminem work?
a) 100
b)70
c)40

How many hours a week does 50 Cent work?
a) 100
b) 70
c) 40

What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers.

What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
c)Recording himself banging his hot secretary

Why are you so lazy?
a) I’m not lazy.
b) I don’t have enough responsibilities.
c) I have chronic fatigue syndrome.

Why are you so stupid?
a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask questions.
b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!

Why are you so smart?
a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.

What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince.
b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.

What affect does raising teacher wages have on teacher performance?
a) They don’t perform any better or worse, people are creatures of habit
b) They perform better, money is a great motivator
c)  They perform worse, money corrupts.

What was 50 Cent doing on a random Saturday night, 2006?
a) Getting fucked up his ass by his trainer, who resembles Justin Bieber
b) Working out, writing songs and negotiating business contracts.
c) Sucking your mom’s big dick, what the fuck does this have to do with this stupid job?

What’s the best way to improve employee performance?
a) Increase their pay, show them the $$$
b) Be nicer to them, less stress = more success
c) Scare the shit out of them, people get smart when it’s sink or swim.

Why are you so lazy?
a) I don’t have many responsibilities
b) I’m not lazy, I give it my best every day.
c) It’s too hard to think about the wants and needs of others.

What would you most likely pay money to watch?
a) Rabbit humping a growling cat
b) Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite
c) Guy sucking his own dick.

How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s because of someone else.
b) Never. Hire me and you’ll see my awesomeness.
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.

Why are you so silly?
a) I’m wasted
b) I like acting silly.
c) I’m not silly, you’re the one who is silly.

What percentage of businesses fail within 5 years?
a) 50 percent
b) 20 percent
c) 2 percent

Are business owners entitled to a living wage?
a) Yes, everyone is entitled to a living wage.
b) No, it’s business owner’s fault she sucks at work and life
c) No, but we should set up programs to help business owners succeed.

Why are you so lazy?
a) I daydream a lot.
b) I’m bored.
c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.

Which is not a Basic Bitch major?
a) Communications
b) Marketing
c) Computer Science

How do you get someone to change?
a) Love
b) People don’t change
c) Fear

 

OPEN ENDED QUESTION
Person A from age 5 to 25, attends school 6 hours a day, studies 4 hours a day, spends 6 hours of leisure time learning to build and building, with like-minded friends, random things, like a tree house, a bridge, a dog walking robot. A also spends an hour per day daydreaming of building something that will improve world’s standard of living. At age 25, he graduates with a Masters degree in electrical engineering and is offered a salary of $150,000 to work as a product developer for a green tech company. He gets 3 weeks vacation, full benefits. He accepts the position and works 60-80 hours per week, and is expected to be available for phone calls and e-mails during his vacations. He pays Federal Government 30 percent of his earnings.

Person B, from age 5-25, attends school 6 hours a day, studies 1 hour a day, spends 6 hours of leisure time passively watching TV shows and films like Jersey Shore and Twilight, 3 hours a day daydreaming about being wealthy and pampered and adored by everyone. At age 25, he graduates with a degree in Basic Bitch and a minor in Socks, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. Unable to find a job in his field of study, he takes a job as a cashier at McDonald’s, making $12 per hour, 40 hours per week, or $24,000 a year. He doesn’t have to pay taxes.

Let’s assume one of them is “underpaid.” Which one and why? (One sentence, keep it short).

Multiple Choice

Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”

What did Walmart founder Sam Walton drive?
a)Beat up pickup truck
b)BMW
c)Hummer

How do you respond when your partner tells you you’re lazy?
a) I’m not lazy, I do this this and that for you, you never notice!
b) Why am I lazy?
c) You’re the one who is lazy, asshole.

Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question, like, 3 times.  This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.

Open Ended Question

Mary hires Peter and Paul to dig two ditches, assigning one to each. Peter finishes in one hour because he used his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper. Paul, using a shovel, finishes his in 8 hours. How much should Mary pay Peter. How much to Paul? Whom should she hire if she wants a third ditch? (One sentence, keep it short).

Multiple Choice

How many hours did Peter spend developing his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper?
a) 2, genius comes naturally to him
b) 200, he got a lucky break
c) 2000, innovation is hard work

Why are you so lazy?
a) There’s no point in working hard. Life is unfair, it won’t get me anywhere.
b) Most of my friends are lazy. It’s contagious.
c) I’ve never been exposed to those who work hard and long, like 100 hours a week.

Who is overpaid?
a) Microsoft Engineer making $150,000 a year, full benefits, 3 weeks paid vacation,matching 401k.
b) McDonald’s Cook making $13/hour, no benefits, no paid vacation.
c) Police Officer making $75,000 a year, full benefits, 4 weeks paid vacation, lifetime pension after retirement (20 years service).

The person who wrote this application:
a) Is an angry motherfucker.
b) Is batshit crazy. This is some fucked up shit.
c) Is trying to be funny.  Ha ha.  Ha.  Right?

 

Frequently Asked Questions Part IX

On Juice and Juice Fasts

Should I go on a juice fast?
No.

Wait, this is a juice bar, why not?
You need fat, protein, and fiber in your diet.  You need fat to absorb vitamins such as A, D, E, and K; protein so your organs function properly and you don’t lose so much muscle mass that you hurt yourself while carrying the groceries; fiber so you can take a good poop.

Then what’s juice good for?
Convenience.  Fresh juice is energy and nutrient dense. Two oz = one serving.  So our large veggie juice = 6-7 servings. Anyone who says juice will save the world is either a liar or a moron.

Do I still have to eat veggies if I drink juice?
Yes, you need the fiber.

Does owner believe in naturopathic approaches to wellness?
Yes, he adheres most closely with Dr. Andrew Weil’s holistic approach to health and medicine. Note that Dr. Weil is a practicing medical doctor and a naturopathic doctor.  Meaning, his approach is still grounded in scientific rigor.  Which is why he **warns** us about the fantastic promises of elixirs such as wheatgrass and ionized water.

Can you make juice from a recipe I bring in?
Yes, only if you bring in the produce.

What’s that you’re making?
Tepache, an alcoholic Mexican drink made by using yeast in pineapple rind to ferment pineapple juice.  We discovered it by accident.

Is it for sale?  
No.

Kids

My kid is a pain in the ass.  What should I do?  
Toss him out, starve that little fucker.

You really think he’d survive even a week on his own? 
Dunno. If he doesn’t, just make or buy another one to replace him.

Did you tell my kid to toilet paper the neighbor’s house?  
Yes.

Why did you do that? 
She’s nine.  She can still get away with it.

What sort of parent would be crazy enough to let their kid work for you?
The sort who makes their kid place her own order.

What’s it to you if I place my kid’s order for her?  
It’s to the owner’s benefit that you not fuck up the labor pool.

General

Why doesn’t the owner allow customers to compliment employees?
An honest evaluation is always welcome, positive or negative.  For instance: “This is good, thanks.” Or, “This tastes like shit, fix it.” Compliments are not ok, eg. : “You make the best drinks, better than anyone else.”  A callow employee will interpret that as: “I am the greatest, everyone should suck my dick.”  Only a mature employee will recognize that nearly all employees hear that compliment because taste is subjective; that such a compliment doesn’t mean much.

Flattery is the sound of the devil’s laughter and has ruined many people.  You end up with employees who grow complacent — like the spouse who takes the other for granted — they stop trying and start taking short cuts. When confronted with their mistakes, they cite the customers who have complimented them, rather than fix the problem that they refuse to recognize.

How can I tell an employee I appreciate their work?
Tell the owner about the employee.  Let him control the flow of compliments, he has a better sense of how much affirmation each employee needs without turning into narcissistic douchebags addicted to narcissistic supply. He’ll release the compliment when it’s appropriate, when he knows it won’t ruin them.

 

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