How to Tell a Teacher to Fuck Off (Back to School Series)

Employees attending school are told that there are only two acceptable grades: As and Fs.  What each grade stands for:

A=Average
B=Bitch
C=Crap
D=Dumbass
F=Fuck You, as in: fuck you (to the teacher) for making me learn bullshit, for trying to turn me into a dumbass.

Getting an A requires a modicum of discipline and hard work (unless it’s a bullshit class, which is often the case).  An F requires courage and turning on the bullshit detector.  Neither are easy to attain. As for everything else in between:

B is for Bitch because at most schools, this is what one gets for merely showing up and turning in assignments on time, even if there’s no point to any of it.

C is for Crap because this is the grade one gets when one chronically turns in assignments late.

D is for Dumbass for rarely showing up, turning in just enough assignments to not get franked.

These grades either legitimize a system that produces dumbasses and fuck ups — we’ll pass you even though you didn’t learn anything because you kept your mouth shut about it — or they represent one’s lack of effort when faced with an opportunity to learn something meaningful. Neither are acceptable.

School Sucks

I declared war on local schools when I found out that an employee (good cook) who graduated high school with a 3.7 GPA (honors classes through junior year) could not provide the correct answer to 7 *4, and struggled with 16 + 6 (because some moron decided it’s ok to have students use calculators starting in 5th grade, and the Envision [creative students guaranteed!] math curriculum is confusing and bizarre). And it’s not just arithmetic, there are problems with reading comprehension and logic and pattern recognition. Much time is spent getting employees to unlearn the mindset, attitudes, and habits taught in high school (and sometimes reinforced at home).  Keep in mind that I’m not the only business owner with such experiences and views.  I’m just one of the few expressing it publicly in hopes that collectively, we can do something about this situation. The types and quality of local businesses depend on the quality of its labor pool and the sensibilities of consumers.

What Students Can Do

They can’t vote for school council members or the superintendent.  They have no say in hiring and firing.  No voice on PTA board.  But they can tell an incompetent teacher to fuck off.

Incompetent Teachers

Examples:

  • AP Calc, all students, including A students (half the class) flunk the AP exam.  Teacher should be fired or demoted. Yet parents choose to ignore the discrepancy between the class grades and test results, instead telling their kids that the AP test is flawed — biased, racist, sexist, whatever — that they really are good at Math.  These A students head off to UW, and half of them can’t even place into regular Calculus.  Ones who take Calculus get a 2.5, which is at best a D at institutions that don’t allow grade inflation. Making it tempting for students and their parents to continue to choose the wrong reality.
  • English class, teacher asks students to write personal narratives (aka weekly journals). Teenagers are by definition narcissistic. Personal narratives feed teen narcissism.  “I-I-I-I-I.” It’s like feeding heroin to a heroin addict. The purpose of education is to make people grow up — beat narcissism out of them — and not to allow them to indulge in their fantasies and angst. The only people who should be writing personal narratives are those paid to do so (because they’re actually interesting), toddlers, and those who’ve completed their lives’ work and want to pass their wisdom to family. Teachers should be teaching students how to write evidence based essays with clarity and precision so they learn to stop talking out of their asses and feeling sorry for themselves.
  • Spanish class, teacher spends most of class talking about her problems and her cats. You know how this ends for students and tax payers.

How to Tell a Teacher to Fuck Off

Examples:

  • From Donnie Darko:  Donnie tells teacher to shove her lesson up her…
    Those of you who can’t watch it, here’s summary: teacher trains students to reduce every act to an expression of either “fear” or “love.”  Donnie calls bullshit, explaining that “there are other things that need to be taken into account here, like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can’t just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else.”  Teacher counters with threat of failing grade for the day.
  • Another from Donnie Darko: Donnie calls school sponsored teacher the “Anti-Christ.”
    Summary: speaker preaches gibberish. Invites students to talk about their problems.  One student talks about not knowing what to do with his life.  Another about her weight problems.  A third about getting bullied.  Speaker asks them to embrace “love” as the solution to their problems, rather than take concrete action to solve them.  Donnie takes stage and calls bullshit, telling girl to get off her ass, exercise more, and eat less; bullied boy to “take karate lessons to kick the kid…in the balls.”  Gets dragged off-stage for doing so.
  • From Plato: Athenian teachers treat their students as “passive cups to be filled.”  Socrates calls bullshit — introduces the Socratic method, where students find solution by asking questions, rather than taking in teacher proclamations — and shows everyone why these teachers are dumbasses.  Gets sentenced to death for doing so.

Bad examples:

  • From Breakfast Club: Five students from different cliques show up for Saturday detention.  Boredom and teen angst inspires rebellion. Narcissism wins!
  • From Dead Poet’s Society: Horny, preppy boys want public school pussy (except for the kid who commits suicide, he wants dick). Renegade teacher suggests to them that the best way to get pussy is to sneak off at night to write poetry.  Emboldened by late night jerk off sessions (writing poetry!), they soon want more pussy and request school administration to admit girls. Lame and juvenile. Find a better reason to tell teachers to fuck off.

Who Gets to Tell Teachers to Fuck Off?

Ha, not everyone. We’re not trying to start a Chinese style Cultural Revolution, where Red Book waving teenage sons and daughters denounced their parents, students sent teachers to labor camps and burned down schools, and apprentices beat their masters to death. The right to tell a teacher to fuck off has to be earned. Otherwise, students think it’s ok to act like those Breakfast Club douchebags.

Donnie Darko earned his right with his “intimidating test scores.”  If you’re going to tell a teacher to fuck off, be sure you have some evidence that you’re smarter than him. However problematic testing may be, it’s the great equalizer that makes incompetent teachers think twice about fucking with the kid with perfect scores.  Which brings us to Socrates.  He earned his right — no test scores to back him up — by realizing that he himself is a dumbass. That made it possible for him to prove that those who thought themselves wise were even bigger dumbasses (see Oracle of Delphi paradox). In other words, only stupid people think they’re smart.  This dictum has been repeated throughout classical literature and has been corroborated by scientific evidence (see Cornell study on why stupid people don’t realize they’re stupid). Those who think they’re smart will never able to spot or admit to their mistakes.  Those who think they’re dumbasses are constantly searching for evidence of their own stupidity.  Which, ironically, is how one learns to listen and ask questions, as Donnie Darko does.

Put simply, only a dumbass who knows he’s a dumbass can tell a teacher to fuck off.  Everyone else, shut the fuck up.

Why It’s Important to Tell Teachers to Fuck Off

Incompetent teachers send the following message to students:  All you have to do to succeed in life is to show up and turn in assignments on time. And make nice, don’t piss anyone off.

I’m not asking teachers to ensure students master Calculus, Physics, or a foreign language.  It’s the means, not the end, that matters. Most well paying jobs require an 8th grade education, at most. One doesn’t need to know the difference between a metaphor and a metonym or how to do a delta-epsilon proof or when King Henry fucked his fifth wife to do most jobs well.  One only needs grit and resilience.  Incompetent teachers do not teach grit and resilience. They teach students it’s ok to just show up to receive awards, instead of learning to struggle for achievement. Work is mostly struggle. Those who can handle struggle and frustration will achieve.  Those who can’t will give up, not only at work but also in life.

Most knowledge gained in school is either wrong or will soon be so.  But the *habits* and *attitudes* learned in high school WILL impact a lifetime, financially and emotionally. The best schools instill habits and attitudes that breed health and success.  The rest are like bad hospitals, cutting off wrong limbs, administering the wrong drugs, and satisfied with simply keeping the patient barely alive, instead of alive and thriving.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


How to Break Rules and Get Away With It

(Real conversation with employee).

“Call him a Fuckface,” I demanded.

“I will not. This is wrong!”

“DO IT.  CALL HIM A FUCKFACE!!!”

I DON’T WANT TO!”  How about I call him monkey turd instead, please”?

“No, he deserves to be called a Fuckface. DO IT!”

After some more back and forth, she relented and called customer “Fuckface.”  Customer left a $5 tip on a $12 bill.

For those wondering what a Fuckface looks like:

 

????????

 

We’ll get back to the Fuckface incident later.  There’s a point to it.

How to Turn Someone into a Fucked-Up Fuckface

Most schools and much of society teach people to follow rules, rarely how to break them, or to push and test their limits.  Those who don’t know how to break and test rules will either:

a) find it difficult to get ahead because they’ve turned into dumbasses.
b) look like dumbasses while breaking rules.
c) break the wrong rules too many times.
d) think of breaking rules as a guilty pleasure, turning something as mundane as eating chocolate into a subliminally kinky act.

If you’re interested in why schools teach obedience to rules, check out former New York state Teacher of the Year and education activist John Taylor Gatto’s Underground History of American Education, and Against School.  For our purposes here, I’m more interested in the sort of people such an environment produces. Gatto on obedience expected from teachers and students:

Consider the strange possibility that we have been deliberately taught to be irresponsible and to dislike each other for some good purpose. I am not being sarcastic or even cynical. I spent 19 years as a student, and 30 more as a school teacher and in all that time I was seldom asked to be responsible, unless you mistake obedience and responsibility for the same thing, which they certainly are not. Whether student or teacher, I gave reflective obedience to strangers for 49 years. If that isn’t a recipe for irresponsibility then nothing is. In school your payoff comes from giving up your personal responsibility, just doing what you’re told by strangers even if that violates the core principles of your household. There isn’t any way to grow up in school, school won’t let you. As I watched it happen, it takes three years to break a kid, 3 years confined to an environment of emotional neediness, songs, smiles, bright colors, cooperative games, these work much better than angry words and punishment.

Gatto claims that children ARE naturally responsible, that at school their sense of responsibility is beaten out of them — “it takes three years to break a kid.”  Gatto on the type of students such schools produce:

“Constant supplication for attention creates a chemistry whose products are the characteristics of modern school children — whining, treachery, dishonesty, malice, cruelty and similar traits. Ceaseless competition for attention in the dramatic fishbowl of the classroom, I have never seen this dynamic examined in the public press — not in 50 years of reading the public press. Ceaseless competition for attention in the dramatic fishbowl of the classroom, reliably delivers cowardly children, toadies, school stoolies, little people sunk into chronic boredom, little people with no apparent purpose, just like caged rats, pressing a bar for sustenance, who develop eccentric mannerisms on a periodic reinforcement schedule.  Those of you who took rat psychology in college will know what I’m referring to — just like the experience of rat psychology, the bizarre behavior kids display is a function of the reinforcement schedule in the confinement of schooling to a large degree. I’m certain of that. Children like this need extensive management. “

In other words, most schools turn kids into fuck-ups and most of them will look like fuckfaces as adults, impatiently waiting for their next paycheck so they can purchase novelties and experiences — orgasm orgasm orgasm! — that will dull the pain of boredom of everyday life.  Again, boredom isn’t a natural state, it’s learned. Contrast this with Amish education, which *formally* ends in 8th grade. Gatto again:

Look at Johns Hopkins University, not one of my favorite universities, but they’ve been tracking the Amish for a long time. They’ve published several…mind blowing books about what has happened in Amish America. In this century, at the beginning of the century, there were 5000 of these people, now there are 150,000. So the group itself has retained its integrity and grown 30 times. Second, 100% of the Amish, or as close to that as humanly possible, has independent livelihoods, and its divided 50% in small entrepreneurial businesses and 50% in small farms. Now consider the drawbacks these people labor under – the government of Pennsylvania has been their sworn enemy through the century. And, they don’t use telephones, they don’t use computers, they don’t use cars, and they go to the 8th grade only because the Supreme Court cut a deal with them in the 1976. So with all these drawbacks you have a community that with all intents and purposes has no crime at all, that takes care of old and young because it mixes both of those groups together in the life of the community, is amazingly successful, amazingly wealthy, and amazingly unschooled!

The Amish are neither fuck-ups nor fuckfaces.  They don’t need to be micromanaged, they’re self-sufficient, self-reliant, and productive. The Amish community is capitalism as Adam Smith had hoped it’d be in practice, without the corruption, the oligarchic excesses, and the concentrations of capital and power.

How Amish Break Rules

Those who think that the Amish are slavish rule followers and brainwashed screwballs probably also think Dead Poet’s Society is a highbrow film about stifled creativity finally unleashed. “Rip it out, rip it out!” we’re exhorted by “the Captain.” Then meet up in a cave to write poetry that channels someone’s metaphoric cock into some naifs hands, hopefully leading to some action with some real, public school pussy. The narcissist watching Dead Poet’s of course projects, identifies with the “courageous rule breaking boys.”  But that’s a ploy, a trick to get the audience to think they’re in on some juicy highbrow acts of courage, acts of love, when all the boys are doing is what they have always been doing: jerking off.  Instead of using their hands, they use contrived, sentimental — narcissistic — poetry; instead of a blow up doll or a watermelon, they have that girl from the other side of the tracks. It’s the same shit, different form.  It’s a movie about how boys “break rules” by hiding their porno mags and jerk off sessions from scoundrel faculty, except the porn is dressed up as poetry and the jerk off sessions don’t include pizza to be eaten by the new kid, so enough people will find the film highbrow enough, inspirational enough to win bullshit awards that confirm some fucked up prejudices.  No wonder Robin Williams named Dead Poet’s his most embarrassing film.

Dead Poet’s isn’t unusual, similar formula is used over and over again to secure enough character identification to make a film profitable, perhaps memorable within public consciousness. Like Good Will Hunting, same shit, except they flip the script.  Instead of preppy boys, now we’re supposed to be down with the bros.  Or Twilight, where girl next door is sandwiched between high society vampires and low society beasts. Daddy doesn’t approve of either, and that’s precisely why it’s every middle-class white girl’s fantasy.

Point is, while we’re told by pop culture — music, film, books, Oprah!, even CNN — to break the rules, we’re trained to follow them, however inane they may be. Which results in some fucked up confused people. “I am Good Will Hunting,” fantasizes the kid with intellectual pretentions and no chance of going anywhere with his degrees in Anthropology, English Literature, and Women’s Studies. “I am Robin Williams,” imagines the teacher who jerks off to kiddie porn and asks students to write personal narratives. Fantasy and narcissism is what we’re left with when there’s no guidance, only glib exhortations.

Amish society doesn’t preach obedience. They are, after all, the ones with the courage to tell the government to fuck off.  They teach their members to think about how to handle temptations as sentient INDIVIDUALS, and not as preposterous film characters. That’s why Amish guidelines (not rules) are purposely UNWRITTEN and Amish governance is so decentralized that each church can make its own rules (based on guidelines). That’s why Amish teens are given the opportunity to explore the “outside” world — booze, smokes, jewelry, Oprah, make-up, whatever it is they could not have — and then asked to make a decision. Those who return are baptized, their convictions finally deep enough for the experience. They’re asked to break the rules to understand them. Godspeed to those few who leave.

The Rule Breakers

Anderson Cooper, despite his Yale degree and his blue blood lineage (Vanderbilt), had to forge his first press pass because nobody wanted to hire and sponsor him. Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak figured out a way to get free long distance. Bill Gates rigged computer system to give himself free computer time and his preferred class schedule.  John F. Kennedy blew up toilets while in high school. They didn’t break the rules for guilty pleasure, or as narcissistic announcement of the self. There’s a greater goal, a higher purpose. Anderson wanted a chance and made one for himself. The Steves wanted to know if they can take on big corporations. Bill needed more computer time to figure out what he can do with them.  JFK, eh, he probably was being being a narcissistic douchebag, but experience must have been useful while he handled the Cuban Missile Crisis.

How to Call Someone a Fuckface and Get Away With It

Most of our applicants are either good or bad at faking obedience, or simply obedient.  (There’s a lot of repression going around).  Neither are acceptable in our work culture.  It’ll zap the life out of them, they’ll turn into the caged rats Gatto describes above, if they’re not already there. They need to be reprogrammed. They need to stop thinking of themselves as the main characters of some sappy action film.

To beat obedience out of new employees, we have them practice doing what they’ve been told to never do.  AND get rewarded for doing so (big tips). Totally Pavlovian. We offer Bad Service for $1.  “Includes a finger and customer choice of being called a Fuckface, Monkey Dick, or Gorilla Jizz.” Most can’t pull it off at first, or do so with hilarious results. That’s a good sign, as many of those who can do so see it as an opportunity to express narcissistic rage.

The point of this rite of passage ISN’T to create sassy bitchy employees. The point is to get employees to think about the wants and needs of the customer in a way they never have before (like, who would ever order Bad Service? Well, people do, so there, stop projecting); to become comfortable with being uncomfortable; to recognize that rules  are meant to maintain artificial order at the expense of individual responsibility and dignity; to test and break the rules so they can finally see the point of them and perhaps, one day, change them for the better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


“Boy Wants Job to Get Laid” Resume

Cody Johnson
2*** 196th pl sw
Lake Forest Park, WA 98155

 

Objective:
Horny 16 year old boy seeking a job so he can get laid.

Skills:
Usual ones — awesome communication skills, Microsoft Word and Power Point, Social Media, Internet research — listed by most of my friends and classmates. Meaning, none.

Work Experience:
None, unless you count:

* Mowing lawns, at rate of 1000 sf per 4 minutes.  Six years experience.
* Walking the dog and picking up his shit.  Every time. Four years experience.
* Babysitting little sister (9 years younger) once a week for past 3 years.  She’s still alive.
* Listening to Grandpa’s war stories once a month for past 12 years.  Feigning interest at the ones he’s told for the 30th time.
* Shoveling snow at rate of 3 inches on 500 sf per 9 minutes.  I like timing myself.
* Selling candy in school for  a year and a half. Stopped after I got caught.
* Selling marijuana in school for half a year. Stopped after my supplier got caught.
* Weeding lawns by hand, at rate of 3 pounds per 10 minutes.  Five years experience.

Education:
I attend Shorecrest High School.  School sucks. I’ve learned nothing there, except that most don’t do their reading; most teachers don’t know what they’re doing; nothing is what it seems; trust no one until their trust is earned.

Hobbies and Clubs:
* Number 4 ranked Illuminati Returns: Death Grip 4 player in the world.  Out of 12,000 plus players.
* Surfing Internet for good porn.
* Eating pizza
* Playing basketball on a shortened hoop.
* Audio-Visual club @Shorecrest high school.  I take care of expensive equipment.
* Thinking about girls
* Pranks
* Snowboarding on intermediate slopes

References
Samantha Fox
I’ve taken care of her lawn for past 3 years.
E-mail available once I determine you’re not dangerous

Kim Il Jong
I’ve taken care of his lawn for past 2 years.
E-mail available once I determine you’re not dangerous

Tucker Max
I sold him weed for half a year.
E-mail available once I determine you’re not dangerous

————————————————————————————————————————————-

Hi,

I want a job so I can improve my chances of getting laid.  I need money for a ride, new clothes, and a gym membership.  I also want a job so I spend less time playing video games.

Aside from a few video games, I’m not sure if I’m good at anything.  So I understand if you’re not interested in hiring me. It’d probably cost you a lot of money to train me.  If you want, I can work for free, or maybe in exchange for gift certificates I can give to my parents for driving me to and from work. You can hire me when you think I’m ready.

I’m open to just about anything.  Cooking and cleaning, scrubbing floors, picking up dog shit, bussing tables, it’s all good.  As long as I get closer to getting laid.

Sincerely,

 

 

Cody


Redneck Wedding Reception Menu

Summary: ~100 guests, including some from Florida and Texas.  Casual dress.  Focus is on conviviality rather than formality.  Food and dancing in the woods.  Assuming 10 vegetarians. Palates range from the “scared-of-anything-unfamiliar to “anything-goes-as-long-as-it’s-dead.”

Communication Goals: Couple want to express themselves as laid back, outdoorsy, and quirky; as proud representatives of the Pacific Northwest.

Menu and Service: Menu reflects couple’s identity as Pacific Northwesterners.  Emphasis on Pacific Northwest ingredients, cuisine and hospitality.  Self-serve table for pre-reception.  Coursed family style for sit-down meal.

Pre-reception hors d’oeuvres

Dungeness crab bruschetta
Avocado bruschetta
Curry marinated “sponge” tofu on cucumber pattie
Laotian style vegetarian spring rolls
Pine-nut and goat-cheese stuffed mushrooms

Sit-Down Meal Menu (In course order)

Kale salad w/miso dressing, peaches
Grilled cedar smoked salmon
Asparagus and chantrelles
Flash grilled whiskey marinated, hickory smoked New York steak
Oregon shrimp salad w/garlic dressing, walnuts and apples
Grilled honey mustard baby back ribs
Cucumber, rice vinaigrette

Desert
Sweet potato pie
“Raw” carrot honey balls

Drinks
Pineapple mint iced tea
Two kegs of beer, one dark, one light.

Notes: Fried oysters?  Need to discuss if first draft of Course Order makes sense.

 

 

 


Soy, Men, and Titties

Some guys are refusing soy milk because they’ve heard that consuming soy promotes growth of women style breasts in men. I call bullshit.

Here’s what WebMD has to say about soy: Four Soy Food Myths Exposed

Summary: soy is a good and complete source of protein. It doesn’t cause cancer and it won’t turn men with gender identity anxiety issues into this:

Transgendered

Transgendered

What ZocDoc blog has to say about soy and man boobs: Does Soy “Feminize” Men? Fact Vs. Myth

Summary: Soy does not turn a guy into anything close to a woman unless — maybe — you drink like three quarts of it per day.  Which you probably won’t, even Asians don’t come close to consuming that amount.  Author’s recommendation:

If you’re a man and trying to avoid even small amounts of something that may lead to breast development, that’s probably not the right approach. There are benefits of soy that may make regular consumption worthwhile, such as its role in protecting against prostate cancer. Remember, it’s the dose that makes the poison.

And look at Asian men. There are, like what, half a billion Asians who eat soy everyday. Asians have been eating soy daily for centuries. Say what you want about small dicks and smooth bodies, but when is the last time you saw an Asian guy — lady boy Thai guys don’t count, those are implants — with titties? More proof:

No titties

No titties

He drinks soy milk everyday.  No titties.

He drinks soy milk everyday. No titties.

 

He eats stinky tofu everyday.  For past 10 years.  No titties

He eats stinky tofu everyday. For past 10 years. Still no titties

 

His Mom forced him to eat edamame everyday.  No titties.

His Mom forced him to eat edamame everyday. No titties.

Those are not titties, those are fat man boobs.  He got those from eating too many fries and drinking too much soda.  Not from eating soy.

Those are not titties, those are fat man boobs. He got those from eating too many fries and drinking too much soda and jerking off everyday to Asian porn. Not from eating soy.

 

They say J Crispy Dickhead has titties.  Not sure, hard to tell with shirt on.  J Crispy Dickhead does not eat soy.

They say J Crispy Dickhead has titties. Not sure, hard to tell with shirt on. J Crispy Dickhead does not eat soy.

 


Four Years Old

We’ve made it four years.  Thanks to many for financial and emotional support.  Summary of the last four years:

First year: Improving stamina and patience; learning how to cook; finding customers

Second year: Building discipline; learning how to manage a store; attracting customers

Third year: Developing leadership skills; learning how to create and refine a brand; keeping customers

Fourth year:  Establishing courage; learning how to run a business; culling customers

 

Fifth Year Plans

Improvements

We’ve finally plugged some money leaks by implementing a POS system and a state-of-the-art payroll system, updating the cash register and bookkeeping system, and switching to an LED lighting system. Next purchase will be a walk in refrigeration unit.  That will allow us to reduce labor and driving related costs and free time to pursue other projects.  New leaks will probably emerge, especially those related to human resources, and we’re prepared to handle them with new technology that will dramatically increase labor productivity.

Expansion
No immediate plans for second location.  Will need to improve leadership skills and further refine the brand for another store to open. May explore franchising opportunities and that would require simplification of processes. So if anyone is interested…(you will be vetted, failure isn’t an option at this point).
We’re working on opening a mid-scale thrift store (with some couture items) and will see how Alive Juice Bar can leverage such an operation (and vice versa).

Brand Development
Emphasis will be on culling customer base and targeting audience and applicants until the brand identity and message is clear. We’re still dealing with a lot of wrong assumptions about who we are and what we do (we’re not hippies, not lefties). A clear brand will help save time when hiring and improve customer service (by managing customer expectations).

Mission
Mission remains the same: offering a counterpoint to prevailing ideas about “proper” nutrition, food, and service. There’ll be continued increased emphasis on challenging what appears as dominant narratives about life and living — “proper” mindsets, attitudes, and life goals, all of which are tied into our core work on “healthy” living.

Goals
To develop the creativity necessary to have the businesses run on its own (minimal oversight from Monster).  To develop a leadership class capable of making customers reconsider the way they perceive reality and live life.  Put simply, to clarify the link between emotional health and physical well being.

There’s a lot of work ahead.  Agape.


Alive Juice Bar is Hiring Really Really Really Really Nice People

Alright, motherhuggers, since last ad — Alive Juice Bar Hiring Angry People — was flagged within 14 hours of its posting (new record by 10 hours) by, ironically, some really angry foul-mouthed people, we’re going to try a new approach.  Instead of seeking “angry people,” we’re going to try to attract “nice people.”  And no more swearing. This is a civilized operation.

Manager job description: prep food and drinks at one’s own pace; have employees do the same at their own pace; play music from Norah Jones and Diana Krall entire shift; smile at customers; keep smiling at customers as they tell you their order; even bigger smile if you need to ask them to repeat what they ordered because you were so busy smiling, you didn’t listen to what they were saying; shut bathroom door when customer doesn’t; pick up whatever customer throws on the ground instead of in the garbage can; keep smiling; give diabetic customer extra extra extra sugar because that’s what he asks for; maintain smile; hug hung-over and emotional co-workers; ask as nicely as possible (with big big smile) for customer to stop kid from throwing ice cubes at other customers; offer kid ice cream to stop him from throwing things at customers; initiate time-out for group hug when an employee gets stressed during lunch rush; call police when guy makes you or employee uncomfortable; call police when customer asks employee where she got her jeans (and other such sexually inappropriate questions); call police when customer pinches employee ass; ensure employees use proper words when addressing someone of color; make sure employees do not describe customers with racial or ethnic descriptions; initiate group hug at the end of each shift; ask employees how they are feeling at least once an hour; maintain ratio of 200 praises to 1 criticism.

Barista job description: do as manager tells you to do.  Smile more often than does Manager.

Barista’s Assistant job description: Do as Barista tells you to do. Smile at all times.

 

Seeking nice person who:

* Starts every sentence with a compliment
* Can say “hello,” and “thank-you.” in at least 3 foreign languages
* Has never scratched, slapped, or bitten someone during sex
* Doesn’t like it when dogs sniff each other’s butts because that’s dirty
* Considers a neutered dog humping another neutered dog rape
* Addresses customers as “Maam” or “Sir.”
* Spends at least 2 hours a day complimenting people on Facebook
* Never gets angry, regardless of situation
* Smiles all the time
* Sounds like that teacher from South Park when asking for something
* Can listen to R Kelly’s “I Believe I can Fly” all day long without going crazy
* Holds hands behind back while standing
* Holds hands in front while standing
* Never puts hands on hips and rarely uses hand gestures
* Does not honk when car in front is idle at green light
* Drives safely by merging onto highway at 40 miles an hour
* Looks happy
* Looks agreeable
* Looks friendly
* Looks beta
* Looks doe eyed
* Looks naive

Read this is you want to know why some people are angry: http://foodyap.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/what-our-employees-unlearn/

Read this if you want to know why some people are nice: http://www.inc.com/kevin-daum/dont-take-business-advice-from-nice-people.html

 

 


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