“Boy Wants Job to Get Laid” Resume

Cody Johnson
2*** 196th pl sw
Lake Forest Park, WA 98155

 

Objective:
Horny 16 year old boy seeking a job so he can get laid.

Skills:
Usual ones — awesome communication skills, Microsoft Word and Power Point, Social Media, Internet research — listed by most of my friends and classmates. Meaning, none.

Work Experience:
None, unless you count:

* Mowing lawns, at rate of 1000 sf per 4 minutes.  Six years experience.
* Walking the dog and picking up his shit.  Every time. Four years experience.
* Babysitting little sister (9 years younger) once a week for past 3 years.  She’s still alive.
* Listening to Grandpa’s war stories once a month for past 12 years.  Feigning interest at the ones he’s told for the 30th time.
* Shoveling snow at rate of 3 inches on 500 sf per 9 minutes.  I like timing myself.
* Selling candy in school for  a year and a half. Stopped after I got caught.
* Selling marijuana in school for half a year. Stopped after my supplier got caught.
* Weeding lawns by hand, at rate of 3 pounds per 10 minutes.  Five years experience.

Education:
I attend Shorecrest High School.  School sucks. I’ve learned nothing there, except that most don’t do their reading; most teachers don’t know what they’re doing; nothing is what it seems; trust no one until their trust is earned.

Hobbies and Clubs:
* Number 4 ranked Illuminati Returns: Death Grip 4 player in the world.  Out of 12,000 plus players.
* Surfing Internet for good porn.
* Eating pizza
* Playing basketball on a shortened hoop.
* Audio-Visual club @Shorecrest high school.  I take care of expensive equipment.
* Thinking about girls
* Pranks
* Snowboarding on intermediate slopes

References
Samantha Fox
I’ve taken care of her lawn for past 3 years.
E-mail available once I determine you’re not dangerous

Kim Il Jong
I’ve taken care of his lawn for past 2 years.
E-mail available once I determine you’re not dangerous

Tucker Max
I sold him weed for half a year.
E-mail available once I determine you’re not dangerous

————————————————————————————————————————————-

Hi,

I want a job so I can improve my chances of getting laid.  I need money for a ride, new clothes, and a gym membership.  I also want a job so I spend less time playing video games.

Aside from a few video games, I’m not sure if I’m good at anything.  So I understand if you’re not interested in hiring me. It’d probably cost you a lot of money to train me.  If you want, I can work for free, or maybe in exchange for gift certificates I can give to my parents for driving me to and from work. You can hire me when you think I’m ready.

I’m open to just about anything.  Cooking and cleaning, scrubbing floors, picking up dog shit, bussing tables, it’s all good.  As long as I get closer to getting laid.

Sincerely,

 

 

Cody


Redneck Wedding Reception Menu

Summary: ~100 guests, including some from Florida and Texas.  Casual dress.  Focus is on conviviality rather than formality.  Food and dancing in the woods.  Assuming 10 vegetarians. Palates range from the “scared-of-anything-unfamiliar to “anything-goes-as-long-as-it’s-dead.”

Communication Goals: Couple want to express themselves as laid back, outdoorsy, and quirky; as proud representatives of the Pacific Northwest.

Menu and Service: Menu reflects couple’s identity as Pacific Northwesterners.  Emphasis on Pacific Northwest ingredients, cuisine and hospitality.  Self-serve table for pre-reception.  Coursed family style for sit-down meal.

Pre-reception hors d’oeuvres

Dungeness crab bruschetta
Avocado bruschetta
Curry marinated “sponge” tofu on cucumber pattie
Laotian style vegetarian spring rolls
Pine-nut and goat-cheese stuffed mushrooms

Sit-Down Meal Menu (In course order)

Kale salad w/miso dressing, peaches
Grilled cedar smoked salmon
Asparagus and chantrelles
Flash grilled whiskey marinated, hickory smoked New York steak
Oregon shrimp salad w/garlic dressing, walnuts and apples
Grilled honey mustard baby back ribs
Cucumber, rice vinaigrette

Desert
Sweet potato pie
“Raw” carrot honey balls

Drinks
Pineapple mint iced tea
Two kegs of beer, one dark, one light.

Notes: Fried oysters?  Need to discuss if first draft of Course Order makes sense.

 

 

 


Soy, Men, and Titties

Some guys are refusing soy milk because they’ve heard that consuming soy promotes growth of women style breasts in men. I call bullshit.

Here’s what WebMD has to say about soy: Four Soy Food Myths Exposed

Summary: soy is a good and complete source of protein. It doesn’t cause cancer and it won’t turn men with gender identity anxiety issues into this:

Transgendered

Transgendered

What ZocDoc blog has to say about soy and man boobs: Does Soy “Feminize” Men? Fact Vs. Myth

Summary: Soy does not turn a guy into anything close to a woman unless — maybe — you drink like three quarts of it per day.  Which you probably won’t, even Asians don’t come close to consuming that amount.  Author’s recommendation:

If you’re a man and trying to avoid even small amounts of something that may lead to breast development, that’s probably not the right approach. There are benefits of soy that may make regular consumption worthwhile, such as its role in protecting against prostate cancer. Remember, it’s the dose that makes the poison.

And look at Asian men. There are, like what, half a billion Asians who eat soy everyday. Asians have been eating soy daily for centuries. Say what you want about small dicks and smooth bodies, but when is the last time you saw an Asian guy — lady boy Thai guys don’t count, those are implants — with titties? More proof:

No titties

No titties

He drinks soy milk everyday.  No titties.

He drinks soy milk everyday. No titties.

 

He eats stinky tofu everyday.  For past 10 years.  No titties

He eats stinky tofu everyday. For past 10 years. Still no titties

 

His Mom forced him to eat edamame everyday.  No titties.

His Mom forced him to eat edamame everyday. No titties.

Those are not titties, those are fat man boobs.  He got those from eating too many fries and drinking too much soda.  Not from eating soy.

Those are not titties, those are fat man boobs. He got those from eating too many fries and drinking too much soda and jerking off everyday to Asian porn. Not from eating soy.

 

They say J Crispy Dickhead has titties.  Not sure, hard to tell with shirt on.  J Crispy Dickhead does not eat soy.

They say J Crispy Dickhead has titties. Not sure, hard to tell with shirt on. J Crispy Dickhead does not eat soy.

 


Four Years Old

We’ve made it four years.  Thanks to many for financial and emotional support.  Summary of the last four years:

First year: Improving stamina and patience; learning how to cook; finding customers

Second year: Building discipline; learning how to manage a store; attracting customers

Third year: Developing leadership skills; learning how to create and refine a brand; keeping customers

Fourth year:  Establishing courage; learning how to run a business; culling customers

 

Fifth Year Plans

Improvements

We’ve finally plugged some money leaks by implementing a POS system and a state-of-the-art payroll system, updating the cash register and bookkeeping system, and switching to an LED lighting system. Next purchase will be a walk in refrigeration unit.  That will allow us to reduce labor and driving related costs and free time to pursue other projects.  New leaks will probably emerge, especially those related to human resources, and we’re prepared to handle them with new technology that will dramatically increase labor productivity.

Expansion
No immediate plans for second location.  Will need to improve leadership skills and further refine the brand for another store to open. May explore franchising opportunities and that would require simplification of processes. So if anyone is interested…(you will be vetted, failure isn’t an option at this point).
We’re working on opening a mid-scale thrift store (with some couture items) and will see how Alive Juice Bar can leverage such an operation (and vice versa).

Brand Development
Emphasis will be on culling customer base and targeting audience and applicants until the brand identity and message is clear. We’re still dealing with a lot of wrong assumptions about who we are and what we do (we’re not hippies, not lefties). A clear brand will help save time when hiring and improve customer service (by managing customer expectations).

Mission
Mission remains the same: offering a counterpoint to prevailing ideas about “proper” nutrition, food, and service. There’ll be continued increased emphasis on challenging what appears as dominant narratives about life and living — “proper” mindsets, attitudes, and life goals, all of which are tied into our core work on “healthy” living.

Goals
To develop the creativity necessary to have the businesses run on its own (minimal oversight from Monster).  To develop a leadership class capable of making customers reconsider the way they perceive reality and live life.  Put simply, to clarify the link between emotional health and physical well being.

There’s a lot of work ahead.  Agape.


Alive Juice Bar is Hiring Really Really Really Really Nice People

Alright, motherhuggers, since last ad — Alive Juice Bar Hiring Angry People — was flagged within 14 hours of its posting (new record by 10 hours) by, ironically, some really angry foul-mouthed people, we’re going to try a new approach.  Instead of seeking “angry people,” we’re going to try to attract “nice people.”  And no more swearing. This is a civilized operation.

Manager job description: prep food and drinks at one’s own pace; have employees do the same at their own pace; play music from Norah Jones and Diana Krall entire shift; smile at customers; keep smiling at customers as they tell you their order; even bigger smile if you need to ask them to repeat what they ordered because you were so busy smiling, you didn’t listen to what they were saying; shut bathroom door when customer doesn’t; pick up whatever customer throws on the ground instead of in the garbage can; keep smiling; give diabetic customer extra extra extra sugar because that’s what he asks for; maintain smile; hug hung-over and emotional co-workers; ask as nicely as possible (with big big smile) for customer to stop kid from throwing ice cubes at other customers; offer kid ice cream to stop him from throwing things at customers; initiate time-out for group hug when an employee gets stressed during lunch rush; call police when guy makes you or employee uncomfortable; call police when customer asks employee where she got her jeans (and other such sexually inappropriate questions); call police when customer pinches employee ass; ensure employees use proper words when addressing someone of color; make sure employees do not describe customers with racial or ethnic descriptions; initiate group hug at the end of each shift; ask employees how they are feeling at least once an hour; maintain ratio of 200 praises to 1 criticism.

Barista job description: do as manager tells you to do.  Smile more often than does Manager.

Barista’s Assistant job description: Do as Barista tells you to do. Smile at all times.

 

Seeking nice person who:

* Starts every sentence with a compliment
* Can say “hello,” and “thank-you.” in at least 3 foreign languages
* Has never scratched, slapped, or bitten someone during sex
* Doesn’t like it when dogs sniff each other’s butts because that’s dirty
* Considers a neutered dog humping another neutered dog rape
* Addresses customers as “Maam” or “Sir.”
* Spends at least 2 hours a day complimenting people on Facebook
* Never gets angry, regardless of situation
* Smiles all the time
* Sounds like that teacher from South Park when asking for something
* Can listen to R Kelly’s “I Believe I can Fly” all day long without going crazy
* Holds hands behind back while standing
* Holds hands in front while standing
* Never puts hands on hips and rarely uses hand gestures
* Does not honk when car in front is idle at green light
* Drives safely by merging onto highway at 40 miles an hour
* Looks happy
* Looks agreeable
* Looks friendly
* Looks beta
* Looks doe eyed
* Looks naive

Read this is you want to know why some people are angry: http://foodyap.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/what-our-employees-unlearn/

Read this if you want to know why some people are nice: http://www.inc.com/kevin-daum/dont-take-business-advice-from-nice-people.html

 

 


Weekday Routine @Alive Juice Bar

Weekday Routine at Alive Juice Bar

Guidelines for employees.

Breakfast Shift

5.40am-6.00am
Dump ice bin bucket
Fill ice bin 5x
Take out trash
Scrape juice filter
Put together juicers
Open and count register
Turn on warmer oven Rice and beans on
Mop front lobby

Open store 6.00-7.00
Prep mise-en-scene
Start/Finish rice and beans
Yams in warmer oven
Prep soups/rice/beans
Take customer orders (3-5)

7.00-10.00
Finish soups Package/start chips/bread
Prep meals (10)
Check e-mail
Review intentory
Prep for salads/sauces/dressing
Finish soups and rice and beans
Take customer orders (20-30)

10.00-11.00
Second shift arrives @10
Wash dishes
Take customer orders (10-12)

Lunch Shift
11.00-4.00pm
Third shift arrives @11
First shift gets groceries, 11.00-noon
Prep/package whatever needs to be made
Take customer orders (50-70, lunch rush 11am-1pm)
First shift off at 1pm
Second shift off at 4pm

Dinner Shift
4.00-8.00
Fourth shift arrives @4.00
Fifth shift arrives @5.00
Take customer orders (30-50)
Prep and package chips/salads/pie/etc/
Replenish soups/rice and beans

Closing  
8.oo-9.00 Sweep entire store, including back and bar
Wipe down all prep tables except for main; customers tables
Wash dishes, front and back
Take out garbage
Fifth shift leaves @9.00
Take customer orders (6-10)

9.00-10.00
Break down juicer @9.40
Wipe down remaining prep tables
Credit card settlement
Take customers (4-6) until store is closed, and not at listed closing time


Alive Juice Bar is Hiring Angry People

One full-time manager; one assistant manager; one part-time barista’s bitch;

Manager job duties: prep food and drinks with precision and alacrity; change expletive laden music when kids walk in; serve customers; listen — learn about and from — customers; tell customer to fuck off; remind customers to shut bathroom door; figure out what people really want, not what they say and/think they want; recognize patterns of behavior; deal with hung-over and emotional co-workers; berate customer for acting like an asshole; ask questions; draw stuff on windows; download music; clean mess; correct co-worker’s grammar; explain why ionized water is for dumbasses; explain difference between glycemic load and glycemic index so customers stop freaking out about carrot juice; tell customer it’s ok to stare at your ass but be discreet about it; ask customer if he has a small dick; kick customer who grabs your ass; make inappropriate comments that will get you fired everywhere except Microsoft; make co-worker stop acting like a whiny bitch; babysit your Bitch.

Assistant Manager duties: same as Manager’s but needs Manager permission to tell customer to fuck off and to download music.

Barista’s Bitch job duties: shut-up, observe, learn, emulate, ask questions. Cry at home.

Seeking someone who *preferably* (not necessarily):
*Has road rage issues
*Speaks foreign language(s), esp. Russian, Vietnamese, Korean, Ukrainian, Redneck, whatever
*Can swear in foreign language
*Likes hacking things
*Adds hot sauce to everything
*Has kicked someone, hard
*Has been kicked, hard
*Doesn’t have nutrition degree
*Dropped out of high school
*If college, major ing/ed in Math or Science or Philosophy
*Can hit a ball
*Has been humiliated
*Can catch ball
*Looks pissed
*Looks mean
*Looks flirty
*Looks ashamed
*Looks kind
*Looks aggressive
*Looks like a Juice Bar employee/customer

If you don’t research Alive Juice Bar (or any other business you apply to) on Yelp, you deserve to wipe your ass with maple leaves for the rest of your life.

Attach resume. Keep cover letter short, don’t bore us. Just tell us what we need to know.

If you want to apply so you can pursue your hobby, read: http://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/02/06/your-hobby-is-not-your-passion/

If you’re wondering why so many people are fucked up, read: http://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/03/26/how-the-cult-of-self-esteem-produces-fuck-ups/

If you’re wondering how schools produce fuck ups: http://foodyap.wordpress.com/2014/02/17/how-schools-produce-fuck-ups/

If you’re wondering why I prefer high school drop outs: http://foodyap.wordpress.com/2013/11/21/ten-ridiculous-habits-attitudes-and-ideas-most-high-schools-teach-students/

If don’t have a resume and need help writing one: http://foodyap.wordpress.com/2013/05/10/how-to-write-a-resume-for-teens-part-ii/


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